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In shock

Singlesister

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Hello mums and dads, I am currently in a world that doesn't seem very real. I am in my first trimester myself and partner were so excited, until last week when he decided our planned pregnancy was too soon (we were so lucky to catch first month of ttc) that living together was something he couldn't do. 6 weeks pregnant and he tells me via TEXT all of the above and that he is not ready for baby, he's not excited, he's not happy and not looking forward to this. To some degree I felt a twinge of respect for his honesty in telling me these emotions but when I tell him that I release him from the commitments he has made to our unborn child. I have no fear of raising a child by myself as I know I can and the other option personally is not an option as I want and love this child! (not even classed as a baby yet and he's gone). So after I state he's released and not to contact myself again, he reinstates the fact he did also say baby will be ours and he will love and support it, that baby is also his and I can not with hold baby from him. He is making a solid statement of not wanting our child but at the same time he is claiming he wants to have equality in raising them. If their was no question of just being my rejection I would accept and put aside as that is nothing to do with my blueberry (baby) but he clearly states he doesn't want baby, baby is a burden to him. I am so scared his rejection once involved in baby's life will scar them that I wish he had either A; just rejected me or B; Agreed to walk away and let me deal with this disaster any advice or words of wisdom would be so appreciated. I am trying not to stress I have told him he is making me ever so stressed and not to contact me. At least he has left me be for now, how long I do not know; a month, two, after baby born?! I have no intention of making contact myself my health is more important right now
 
It may have just been a rash, knee jerk reaction to the baby news. I'm not defending the things he said as he is a grown man and needs to be accountable, but instead of just wiping him I would give it some time to sink in and try to talk to him. Sometimes men need reassurance too.

It is a big responsibility and maybe in his head he liked the idea of having a baby but didn't realise it could happen so quickly. It is just as much his baby so he does have rights if he is a good father. I try to look at the reasons why people do things and look at it from their perspective. Please don't think I am taking his side or excusing his actions. Just trying to look at both sides of it.

All the best xx
 
Good for you for putting yourself and blueberry first. It's difficult to say what he will do and just how much in baby's life he will be a part of. For now I say just take care of yourself and blueberry and take life as it comes. Perhaps once the initial shock wares off he'll come more around to being present for your baby, or maybe he'll back away and you don't have to deal with it.
 
From personal experience it can be a shock. We tried and tried for 4 years to have a baby, and after bloods and scans were done to verify a viable pregnancy my first thought was: oh shit, what did I do? Am I ready for this? Am I going to be a good mom? I will be responsible for another life for the rest of mine! She was very much wanted, but it was all so new for me to get past the first scan and there actually be a baby in the right place. It was surreal.
Maybe he's going through something like that. As pp said maybe things will sink in and he'll be back, or maybe he'll realize he really doesn't want to be a dad. It sounds to me with the going back and forth that he's just unsure of himself.

And yes, you and Blueberry are more important than his figuring things out right now. Focus on you and your baby and deal with him when the time comes.
 
I agree with the other ladies. It could just be a knee jerk reaction. All of a sudden he went from being relatively "free" to having the prospect of moving in and a new baby looming over him and for some men that is very scary.

Sadly, only time will tell and it is up to you how long you give him.

It could also be that he is actually a real idiot who rushed in without being sure because it felt good at the time and now he is faced with the stark reality (probably months sooner than he expected) and he just wants out, that selfish and simple.

It could go either way, but for now I would give him the benefit of the doubt and give him some time (as much as you feel is reasonable without him taking advantage of your willingness to wait a while) just keep your feelings guarded while he is behaving this way, as you are aware, the baby is the important one here not him.
 
Bless you, I'm sorry this has happened to you. It sounds as if - and this is good news in your case, if he's really leaving - you wanted a baby more than you wanted a baby with him. I think the best thig you can do is just leave it, as you said don't contact him. A lot can happen in 7/8 more months and things should be much clearer by the time you're nearer the birth. This is better off all coming out now rather than two weeks before baby comes. Best of luck
 
Thank you all so much, I think it is the shock of it not knowing what the outcome of this is going to be. Is his scared and acting out his fears of becoming a father to another child or is he really rejecting our baby. I'm so confused it's all I think about. He was the one who instigated this desire for a child of our own. I feel like I couldn't have known him at all, I feel like I can not trust anyone right now or possibly again. Feel so broken inside. We've had ups and downs like all couples but from the first date I knew he was the one, I love his children as if they were my own flesh. To be broken apart because of a joyous thing that he wanted so badly in our lives has taken a massive toll. I feel like a zombie yet the pain is so real. My son who is almost ten years old misses my ex partners son (they behaved as brothers and asked many a time if they could be) you see it is not a silly mistake, it is not just him and I, it was planned as a family. It's all of us, he did have issues in the past with becoming a joint family and rightly so, These things shouldn't be jumped on but talked about and planned but as you can see he turned it around and saw how much he loved us all and wanted us to be one combined family. Yet further still I am told he is back with his Ex partner, seen together laughing And socialising. I'm truely devastated.
 
That's terrible, but it will all be ok. It may be that he needs to get his head round this. And if he can't then you will still be ok!
 
I'm sorry. I'm going this alone as well after TTC for a year+ strained our relationship. I don't know what your thoughts on child support are, but if you ever plan on going after it you really need to be careful about what you say to him in writing. And if you cut him out, he can use that against you in both child support and custody hearings.

As for his flip flop, maybe sit him down and tell him he needs to get on the train or get off. Some days I wake up flipping out thinking I'm insane and ruined two lives but others I cannot wait for my baby. It's totally normal. Adjusting to pregnancy is not easy for mom or dad. Some people handle it better. I personally don't have time for wish washy so I include SO on things (advice from my lawyer) but we shut the relationship door.

Either way, you will be ok. How is your family? I lean on mine really hard and it has been my saving grace.
 
Hi hon I'm not sure I should call you dobby �� You seem to have things under control! I too can not be dealing with all this wishy washy attitude. It is either you want this child and to be in its life or you do not and you walk away. We passed each other today, it was awful he didn't acknowledge me, completely blanked my existence. I have tried calling him and I tried going to his house to talk after he Text me the surprise news and nothing. It looks as though I am getting my answer loud and clear and am starting to think his claim of wanting to be dad was to save face thinking I would withhold child from him. I can't do that it is his child too, I know this and I respect good fathers but he is showing every day that his mind is on staying away and getting on with his own life. Why can't he be a man and talk face to face about this! His actions seem more cowardly than scared to me now.
 
You are so sweet. I definitely do not have things figured out, but you know a lot of two parent households go into it not having everything figured out. As a single mom, you have to rely on your supports. I know my kid will be missing a dad figure, so I sat my stepdad and brothers down and was like look we have two choices: harp on the absence of his dad or you four can step up as his male role models. I'm definitely going for child support though. My mortgage is 75% of my paycheck and daycare here is $1800/month. I just lucked out my stepdad is a family law attorney and is going to handle everything for free.
 
Thank you all so much, I think it is the shock of it not knowing what the outcome of this is going to be. Is his scared and acting out his fears of becoming a father to another child or is he really rejecting our baby. I'm so confused it's all I think about. He was the one who instigated this desire for a child of our own. I feel like I couldn't have known him at all, I feel like I can not trust anyone right now or possibly again. Feel so broken inside. We've had ups and downs like all couples but from the first date I knew he was the one, I love his children as if they were my own flesh. To be broken apart because of a joyous thing that he wanted so badly in our lives has taken a massive toll. I feel like a zombie yet the pain is so real. My son who is almost ten years old misses my ex partners son (they behaved as brothers and asked many a time if they could be) you see it is not a silly mistake, it is not just him and I, it was planned as a family. It's all of us, he did have issues in the past with becoming a joint family and rightly so, These things shouldn't be jumped on but talked about and planned but as you can see he turned it around and saw how much he loved us all and wanted us to be one combined family. Yet further still I am told he is back with his Ex partner, seen together laughing And socialising. I'm truely devastated.

Big hugs singlesister. Everything always finds a way of working out as it should and hindsight is a wonderful thing. Right now you have hormones swirling all over the place so it's hard to think straight. Just take each day as it comes and look after yourself and baby. The rest will fall into place xx
 

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