Infertility PTSD thinking of trying for #2

[LadyLovenox]

Not even sure where this post belongs. Figured I'd put it here bc ppl using assisted conception can relate to the struggle. I had to do four fresh rounds of ivf and an FET to have my son. On my ivf rounds, I had 8, 14, 15, and 17 eggs collected. I always had 2-3 top quality blasts, but that was it. I was 29 at the time of ivf. They blamed egg quality bc they said more should make it to blast, and didn't. I talked to the director of embryology, however who said he didn't see a problem with my egg quality and that 2-3 blasts is pretty typical, so who knows. Anyway, nothing ever stuck...Not even a chemical pregnancy. They did several uterine biopsies and always found inflammation. They kept saying that shouldn't affect implantation, so they would put my blasts in every cycle and they would not stick. Finally, my Dr read a study on uterine inflammation and how it causes implantation failure, so I was treated for the inflammation. They did a repeat biopsy to make sure the inflammation was gone (which it was), and on the very next round of ivf, 2 stuck and I was pregnant w twins! Unfortunately I lost one at 8 weeks, but still had my beautiful baby boy!! He will be one next month, and I am ready to try for #2. Dh feels that the inflammation was prob our only problem and wants to try on our own for at least 6 months before infertility treatments. I hope and pray that was our only problem, but I'm so used to the worst case scenario happening that it's very very hard for me to stay positive or believe anything would ever happen easily for us. I was in a very very deep depression while ttc #1, and I am afraid of going back to that place. I'm still bitter about all we had to go through, and I'm not sure how to get past that. Im just scared and already feel the anxiety flooding back, as I think about opk's, negative hpt's, etc. I don't really have a question or anything, just wondering if anyone can relate

 

[Pinkie3]

Hi I didn't want to read and run.

Firstly, I am sorry it was such a tough journey to conceive your son but many congratulations on staying so strong and bringing him into the world.

As for your cycles, they sound great to me. The number of blasts you got is really good. To give you a comparison... I have recently used donor eggs, I used two donors who were both young, proven and highly fertile, they both produce me 12 eggs and each time I got 3 blasts. My clinic perform a lot of donor egg cycles and say this is the average number for them and they were really pleased with what we got.

I agree with your DH that inflammatory was more than likely your issue, I am surprised your clinic transferred before treating you for this. The main reasons for implantation failure (that have been scientifically proven) are egg/embryo quality, blood clotting (thrombopilia) and the environment. Your clearly had a hostile environment that was preventing the embryos to implant.

I completely understand while you are feeling so anxious, after 5 years I have finally got pregnant but still terrified and not sure if I could ever go through this again. Luckily we have two frozen embryos that I will use but after that I will be done. The whole journey has completely overtaken my life and I need to start trying to find myself again. The one bit of advice I would offer is to speak to someone, I had counselling last year as like you I was not in a good place, it was the best thing I done. Don't get me wrong it doesn't take away the pain but it helps you come to terms with what is happening and gives you tips and guidance on how to cope. I highly recommend it and it's definitely something to think about before you start on this TTC journey again.

 

[Vonn]

I saw the title of the thread and had to comment. I am part of a donor conception support group (because I am using donor eggs) run by a therapist, and she uses the term "reproductive trauma." I think it is right on and that's what popped into my mind when I saw PTSD. It is real, as you well know. I agree with everything Pinkie said above. A therapist would be a great help to you, esp one that deals with infertility, though if that's not possible, any type of counselor would likely provide you with excellent support. I went to one for the first time at age 40 for a specific issue & have continued to go every so often when this stuff gets to be too much. I always leave thinking, "I had never thought about it like that before!" There should be no stigma about seeking help for something that causes as much stress as cancer. Good luck to you!

 

[LadyLovenox]

Thank you both so much for your kind words and encouragement!!! Dh and I were talking about me starting some counseling sessions, and I do agree it would be beneficial. What we deal with through our infertility journeys is so minimized by society and people think once you have a baby, all of the trauma you went through is easily healed, and thats just not the case. I also have terrible irrational fears and am a complete germophobe with my son because Im so aftaid of losing him now that I finally got him. I cannot imagine how I'll be, as he gets older and rough and tumble. Yikes! Best wishes to both of you through the remainder of your journeys and the healing after!! I am not opposed to donor eggs for baby #2 if we need them, but ds cost 33 thousand dollars out of pocket, and we just dont have the money to pay for donor eggs right now!

 

[LadyLovenox]

Also, Pinkie...Thank you so so much for sharing your donor egg numbers, that honestly eased my mind soooo much, and made me feel like my cycles werent all doom and gloom like my RE made me feel.