Is my midwife rubbish?

[BabyJayne]

I kind of agree and disagree...

But...we are not invalids incapable of doing anything for ourselves. We know where the phone is to call the doctor if we think we are depressed or worried about something. We have access to all information on SMP, Maternity leave at our fingertips on here...type it in to google and all the info you need is there,

Yes we need support, and yes, sometimes that support is not adequate if your mw is poor, but I think we sometimes expect too much. Your booking in appt and 16 week appts are basic appointments. You will be sick of seeing your MW in the later stages and will probably wish she would leave you alone!

I am having a crappy day at work, so apologies if this is a bit tetchy...but come on...we do not need everything spoonfeeding to us.

Again...sorry if I am moany and tetchy....work grrrrrr!

 

[EternalRose]

I kind of agree and disagree...

But...we are not invalids incapable of doing anything for ourselves. We know where the phone is to call the doctor if we think we are depressed or worried about something. We have access to all information on SMP, Maternity leave at our fingertips on here...type it in to google and all the info you need is there,

Yes we need support, and yes, sometimes that support is not adequate if your mw is poor, but I think we sometimes expect too much. Your booking in appt and 16 week appts are basic appointments. You will be sick of seeing your MW in the later stages and will probably wish she would leave you alone!

I am having a crappy day at work, so apologies if this is a bit tetchy...but come on...we do not need everything spoonfeeding to us.

Again...sorry if I am moany and tetchy....work grrrrrr!

I completely agree with the finding things out for ourselves part, but in an ideal world we would all do that but when your experiencing anxiety and stress its not as always black & white as that. Thats why in this case you need good midwifery support, so things can be picked up on; when your feeling down its so easy to just brush it under the carpet and hope it will go away ( I know because I have been there and something so "easy" like calling the doctor becomes a mountain task). Also Id hardly call the first appointment, basic " she has to do a medical history, urine tests and bloods thats the best time to find out about someone current situation. ( Psycho/Social ) My first midwife was brilliant, she gave me all the info I needed on what benefits I was entitled too and printed off forms for vouchers that I can get for free fruit and veg. The " 16 " week appointment is where they are meant to listen for the babies heartbeat, and again " ask the mother if she is ok? " YOU might have only needed basic care, but its not the same for everyone Im afraid hun. Also, someone mentioned in a previous post on this thread that it seems like most midwives dont seem to care unless your past 20-24 weeks if that is true, then it is so wrong on many levels!

Lastly, Hugs to you hun if your feeling moany today we all get days like that

 

[BabyJayne]

I know what you're saying Eternal Rose...and I agree in many ways. It's just sometimes people expect everything to be handed to them on a plate, when it doesn't need to be. I'm not saying that is the case for the OP...but it is for many on here.

There is a lot to be said for being proactive. I think if you can voice problems on here, then you can hopefully voice them to a doctor. I know it can be easy to say if you are lucky enough to not feel like some people do, or have the problems, but there are lots of things we can do for ourselves without bothering the MW.

My MW hasn't been great if I am honest. My 16 week appt was over in ten mins...BP, hear baby, take more blood, bye bye.

The midwife appts at booking in and 16 weeks really are basic ones. Basic health info, initial tests and booking in for scans. Any further care, if required, is usually done under hospital supervision and not by MWs.

Thanks for the hugs too Eternal Rose...my DH is in for a rough night. I just feel really angry and moany and I don't know why!!

Maybe I should ask my MW...

 

[Mrs.Steer]

Thanks for all your responses. I get the overall feeling that my midwife I guess is just ok.
My depression and anxiety is multi-faceted and probably too complex to just list on here (I guess otherwise it would be more easily solved if it was) and I suppose with the hormones is just that little more exaggerated.

But for a bit of background, we came back from honeymoon in August, I started a new job in September, then one car got written off and the other one broke down. My husband got made redundant a week before I found out I was pregnant in October. The pregnancy wasn't particularly planned. In the meantime, our oven breaks, our toilet breaks, my dad gets made redundant and we are struggling by sharing a car since September. i then find out I don't qualify for maternity pay from my employer and face the possibility of having to go back to work after the baby is 8 weeks old.

Meanwhile I am struggling with just being pregnant, not being able to drink or smoke and getting bigger and feeling exhausted all the time. I am unable to tell my best friend if I can now be bridesmaid at her wedding next October in Greece because of baby/money. And the possbility of not being able to come and go as I please anymore once the baby gets here makes me petrified of the responsibility that lies ahead and the extra person to provide for on not a lot of money.

I think that summarizes some of the background to my emotional state that has lead to constant crying and hysteria, time off work and generally feeling blue. I know people are in a lot worse situations but I always imagined that I would be more set-up for family life when the time came than I actually am right now. I am a bit of a perfectionist/control freak by nature.

I do agree that we need to be proactive in getting the support we need but I thought that actually telling the MW at both check ups about my mood and emotional state even when not asked was achieving that. Her response was "I do feel for you and I am sorry I can't help you more". I didn't feel it was my place to say "well can you? what about a referral to someone else etc.?" That I think would be telling her how to do her job. Which is why I started the OP for opinions on what to do and not to moan about not being handed things on a plate.

I think partly my problem is that I am very good at coming across as together and with it when inside I am breaking down. Maybe my words don't match my actions or something I don't know. Anyway my next course of action will be either:-

1) call my midwife now and ask her for more help with my mood
2) wait until the 20 week scan and ask the hospital midwives for help then
3) go to my GP - which could have varying success dependent on what GP I see
4) Carry on putting up with how I am until bit by bit my life gets more sorted and I get more used to the idea of being pregnant/ being a mother

I hope that these choices are proactive enough. I just thought I'd use a forum where I could ask other people in the same situation for their advice first. That's what I thought forums like this were for.

thanks for all your advice so far and its been useful hearing how differently things get done across the UK.

 

[td1309]

I think however basic your appointment with the midwife she should always assess your general mental and physical state. When people are depressed/ anxious they don't always recognise it themselves and so don't even know to ask for help. Especially when pregnant it is hard for the expectant mother to know what emotions are just part and parcel of pregnancy and when they are actually experiencing depression which is not so normal. This is why it is so important that midwives take the time to ask the relevant questions in order to get to the bottom of this and most importantly that they know what to do when it is established that you need help.

I think you did really well just to recognise you are suffering and to voice your concerns to your midwife. I think that alarm bells should ring in a midwife's head when a patient says they are feeling unusually low or stressed.

My booking in appointment took and hour and a half, was bang on time, and the midwife sat and listened. I feel that whilst it is the early stages of pregnancy it can be the most emotional for alot of mothers and therefore at this stage if anything your mental wellbeing should be priority.

I would say that when you are feeling anxious at the very least you need to be seeing professionals you feel confident with and able to open up to. Call your midwife centre or gp and ask to be referred to a different midwife (they probably won't even realise when you go for your appointment that you've asked to change as they see so many women). As for your anxieties I would go and speak to your gp. Again, if you don't get a doctor you are comfortable with or you feel they're unhelpful - go and see a different one until you get what you need.

Remember we pay for the nhs - it is a service. We are not at the mercy of the gps and midwives we get referred to and we have the right to demand a certain level of professionalism like you would any other service you pay for. Stay strong xxxx

 

[KamKol]

Thanks for all your responses. I get the overall feeling that my midwife I guess is just ok.
My depression and anxiety is multi-faceted and probably too complex to just list on here (I guess otherwise it would be more easily solved if it was) and I suppose with the hormones is just that little more exaggerated.

But for a bit of background, we came back from honeymoon in August, I started a new job in September, then one car got written off and the other one broke down. My husband got made redundant a week before I found out I was pregnant in October. The pregnancy wasn't particularly planned. In the meantime, our oven breaks, our toilet breaks, my dad gets made redundant and we are struggling by sharing a car since September. i then find out I don't qualify for maternity pay from my employer and face the possibility of having to go back to work after the baby is 8 weeks old.

Meanwhile I am struggling with just being pregnant, not being able to drink or smoke and getting bigger and feeling exhausted all the time. I am unable to tell my best friend if I can now be bridesmaid at her wedding next October in Greece because of baby/money. And the possbility of not being able to come and go as I please anymore once the baby gets here makes me petrified of the responsibility that lies ahead and the extra person to provide for on not a lot of money.

I think that summarizes some of the background to my emotional state that has lead to constant crying and hysteria, time off work and generally feeling blue. I know people are in a lot worse situations but I always imagined that I would be more set-up for family life when the time came than I actually am right now. I am a bit of a perfectionist/control freak by nature.

I do agree that we need to be proactive in getting the support we need but I thought that actually telling the MW at both check ups about my mood and emotional state even when not asked was achieving that. Her response was "I do feel for you and I am sorry I can't help you more". I didn't feel it was my place to say "well can you? what about a referral to someone else etc.?" That I think would be telling her how to do her job. Which is why I started the OP for opinions on what to do and not to moan about not being handed things on a plate.

I think partly my problem is that I am very good at coming across as together and with it when inside I am breaking down. Maybe my words don't match my actions or something I don't know. Anyway my next course of action will be either:-

1) call my midwife now and ask her for more help with my mood
2) wait until the 20 week scan and ask the hospital midwives for help then
3) go to my GP - which could have varying success dependent on what GP I see
4) Carry on putting up with how I am until bit by bit my life gets more sorted and I get more used to the idea of being pregnant/ being a mother

I hope that these choices are proactive enough. I just thought I'd use a forum where I could ask other people in the same situation for their advice first. That's what I thought forums like this were for.

thanks for all your advice so far and its been useful hearing how differently things get done across the UK.

You don't need to be told what to do hun, I hope you make the decision that suits you best. x