Is there anything I can say to my sister about my niece?

[iiTTCii]

There are a few weeks between mine and my sisters daughters but are both completely different. I don't know if its parenting or it's just my nieces personality and she's too young to be told differently.

My niece is always hitting my LO, dragging her about, pulling her hair, scratching and biting her. It's got to a point where my LO cries when she sees her and runs in the opposite direction (my niece can't walk yet so my LO has the advantage at the moment). My niece has bit me a few times, once a few weeks ago where it left a big bruise on my jaw line. My sister is constantly full of bruises and bite marks from where my niece has hit her. My niece also bites her own arms, leaving bruises.

We went to a toddler class today and it was a nightmare. At every opportunity my niece was dragging kids down by their clothes, pulling their hair, hitting them. She managed to bite a little boys foot and then a little girl on the arm.
I really don't know what to say. I know all children play up but it just seems to happen a lot. My LO has never bitten anyone, hit anyone or pulled hair.

Is her behaviour normal? I don't know what to say or suggest and I don't want to come across as 'I'm the perfect parent.. This is how you do things'.

 

[catty]

My son went through this phase, he would pull hair and pull other toddlers down ( never bitten though) It was a phase and stressed me out.
TBH if she is anything like me she will know its happening and might be embarrassed that she doesn't know how to handle it.
I would always give Lucas in trouble though and if he hurt babies he did get a tap on the hand as sometimes he was quite dangerous.
I really dont know what you could say as depends on your relationship, me and my sister argue so if i mentioned something like that we would probably fall out.
Sorry not much help!!

 

[CandyDay]

How does she discipline when she behaves like this? Does she tell her no? When they are out and she bites and hurts people do they leave? Does she do nothing when it happens?

https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/discipline/improper-behavior/toddler-hitting1/?page=4

 

[JessyG]

My lo is the same age and bites me....only me though and I assume its teething related. She does hit something and pull my hair (usually trying to get my hair clip out). We don't encourage that behaviour and I know I would appreciate someone telling me what I already know.

In fairness I have never had the issue with her doing it to other people or children just me so I just say no hitting and put her down. It might be a. Age thing but it may also be a personality thing. I know my ohs neice is a bruiser and always has been. I think as long as your sister is remover her from the situation or distracting her eg not just letting her go around hitting other kids I wouldn't say anything unless you have any suggestions which may help.

 

[JessyG]

Sorry, wouldn't appreciate!

 

[SarahBear]

I think parenting can influence it to some degree, but I think at that age, it's really a matter of something the child is going through. It could be sensory issues, it could just be how the child expresses herself. The parents can do their best to do what I call "damage control," but other than that it's a bit of a waiting game. Your child might not bite and hit, but don't be surprised if she does later down the road. Violet wasn't a big biter or hitter, but she certainly went through a phase of hitting a lot. She also went through a phase at the same time of constantly trying to attack the cat. It's just something toddlers go through to varying degrees. Unfortunately it's a bit extreme for your niece.

 

[minties]

I would honestly be quite aghast. That seems pretty extreme.

 

[whatwillbex]

Hi, its not a parenting as such as parents dont teach those behaviours more of a temprament thing. My dd went through a phase like this. She is good as gold jst got carried away and over excited, lack of understanding and age. If i were you i would just give her a hug. She most likely feels rubbish as its happening to her own niece worse than a random child as you cant apologies and walk away after. Maybe just be there when they are playing ready to intervene to prevent your dd being hurt? If your sister is aware she will probably be ready aswell. Such a tough phase hope it passes quickly for all of you.

How old is she?

 

[MummyMana]

Imogen bites hits kicks scratches pulls hair... But only on me... She also hurts herself. Never another child or adult, I am the punch bag, and I tell you it is bloody hard.

I don't even know what I'd do if someone decided to point it out to me. Maybe ask her if there's anything you can do to help? She'sprobably so run ddown by it all if you start the conversation that way you can see if she is getting her assessed for anything, she might not even realise it's an option... It took forever for us to get an assessment referral, and still the assessment hasn't come through

I hope she manages to get everything sorted

 

[iiTTCii]

My sister just apologies to the other child/mum when it happens and takes my niece away. She's doesn't shout at her or anything, just kind of laughs it off saying 'she's a little madam'. I don't know if she shouts at her at home but is too embarrassed to in front of others. I wanted to tell my niece 'no' today, but I thought it's not my place too and I'd be pretty annoyed if someone did that to my child.

 

[SarahBear]

My sister just apologies to the other child/mum when it happens and takes my niece away. She's doesn't shout at her or anything, just kind of laughs it off saying 'she's a little madam'. I don't know if she shouts at her at home but is too embarrassed to in front of others. I wanted to tell my niece 'no' today, but I thought it's not my place too and I'd be pretty annoyed if someone did that to my child.

Shouting isn't really a solution either, but laughing is just going to encourage it. This is what I mean by parenting having some influence. She's encouraging it rather than discouraging it when she laughs at it.

 

[hattiehippo]

Personally I would step in when your child is being hurt and say no in a firm voice or remove your LO from reach. I would also put her down away from me if she hurt me. This worked really well with my DS at the same age - he had a big phase of hitting or trying to bite me but fortunately not other children.

I would completely agree shouting or telling her off are pretty pointless at 14 months and it's nothing to do with how she's been brought up. But if your sister continues to just laugh it off it can give your niece the message that the behaviour is fine for her to do, whereas a firm no or moving her away should eventually get through that its not something that other people like her doing.

 

[SarahBear]

Personally I would step in when your child is being hurt and say no in a firm voice or remove your LO from reach. I would also put her down away from me if she hurt me. This worked really well with my DS at the same age - he had a big phase of hitting or trying to bite me but fortunately not other children.

I would completely agree shouting or telling her off are pretty pointless at 14 months and it's nothing to do with how she's been brought up. But if your sister continues to just laugh it off it can give your niece the message that the behaviour is fine for her to do, whereas a firm no or moving her away should eventually get through that its not something that other people like her doing.

completely agree

 

[Amy2701]

My niece has always been a bit rough with my daughter too. There's 9 months between them though so my niece is considerably bigger than my daughter. She hits her a lot, and has done since my daughter was old enough to move around and reach toys that my niece might want at the same time.
My sister also has a very relaxed approach to it. I tell my niece off though. I'm close to my sister and feel comfortable enough to discipline her children (in an acceptable manner) if they're in my company and not behaving. My sister has admitted she is embarrassed by the hitting and doesn't really know how to deal with it (although I have to say my niece seems to only act this way towards my daughter, she doesn't hit strange children nor have there been any problems at nursery).

I always remember my mum saying to me "protect your child. If Lily sees that you're sitting back and letting her get hurt just because you're scared to tell another child off then she's going to think it's acceptable". I've actually left my sisters house before because my niece pushed my daughter into a clotheshorse and just missed injuring her eyeball by inches. There's never been any hard feelings or arguments between me and my sister.

 

[jd83]

My sister just apologies to the other child/mum when it happens and takes my niece away. She's doesn't shout at her or anything, just kind of laughs it off saying 'she's a little madam'. I don't know if she shouts at her at home but is too embarrassed to in front of others. I wanted to tell my niece 'no' today, but I thought it's not my place too and I'd be pretty annoyed if someone did that to my child.

Shouting isn't really a solution either, but laughing is just going to encourage it. This is what I mean by parenting having some influence. She's encouraging it rather than discouraging it when she laughs at it.

Completely agree. A lot of that type behavior at that age is due to the age, and phases they go through, not that they "learned" it from a parenting style. But absolutely, how you react to it DOES influence whether they accelerate doing it even more. If she's laughing it off, not really trying to discourage it, then her daughter isn't getting any type of message that its not acceptable behavior. They are fully capable of learning it's not okay at that age. Yes, they will still have plenty of lapses as they go through their emotional moments and aren't thinking, but being consistent with discouraging it DOES pay off.

Honestly, I don't know that saying anything to her will do much good, as I'm sure she's obviously aware of how her child is behaving. But I would definitely step in and say "no" when needed if her child was hurting mine, and I felt it wasn't being addressed.

 

[CandyDay]

laughing about it is making it worse. That encourages the behaviour. I would nicely mention to her that she probably shouldn't laugh about it. Also if your niece is in your home and hurting your LO then I don't think you should have a problem with telling her no. And if you are at their house then when it happens remove your daughter temporarily from the situation and then try again. Or maybe you just need to be right with them when they play together and if your niece gets aggressive immediately move your LO out of harms way. If it doesn't improve I would go home. Then perhaps she would learn that you will not tolerate it and she will stop. I would not be repeatedly putting my child in a place where they continue to get hurt. Your LO needs to know that you will protect her from harm. I know its hard to do when its your own sister and your niece but you have to do what is best for you and your LO.

 

[justmeinlove]

Definitely say no, if a parent didn't like me stopping their child hurting my lo, they are Totally welcome to come and say that to me ....

 

[justmeinlove]

Honestly I don't know where this not disciplining other children thing has come from. We're the adults. It's our job.

 

[kirstybumx3]

This sounds similar to what was going on with Rio and my niece (SIL daughter) at around the same age. Rio was always so laid back and gentle and shared, my niece on the other hand was very spiteful and would smack and pull on clothes.
In our case I don't think it was the parenting as such, me and SIL parent completely differently but I wouldn't say she did anything wrong. She never really told her off, or even moved her away, which is something I would've done, but she always apologised about Her behaviour and seemed genuinely upset about it. Never laughed!
(Part of the not telling off is her husband I know, he basically tells SIL what to do and he says no telling off as she doesn't know different, but I won't go into that)

Anyway fast forward a few months and while I'm sat here typing this Rio is sat jumping on my head, he is now the unruly crazy child (although he does still share and doesn't hit anyone) and my niece is the opposite to how she used to be and will happily sit in one place quietly and play with a toy (still doesn't share, but if she is never tought these skills, well?)

I think it may just be an age thing at the minute but I don't think your sister should laugh about it. And depending on how close you are, you could mention it. I'd mention it to my sister but we are a very close family. Could u just maybe ask how she's feeling about her behaviour in a general conversation and see where it goes. X

 

[JessyG]

I agree with others I would say no to another child....i have had to tell my ohs 4 year old niece off more times than I can remember.

Plus I would and have removed B from a situation like that. It wasn't family but other kids at soft play were quite unruly. I have no issue telling off another child if my child is being hurt.

If she is laughing it could well just be a nervous thing. I know we try really hard not to laugh at some of Bellas little tantrums but my oh has an awful nervous laugh and does it at THE most inappropriate times.