Is this the same? Am I being unfair?

[billie1007]

I have confided with a friend about trying for two years - currently 6 days late with BFN and she said to me 'I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way each month'. As she has also been trying for a long time for her third.

I felt like saying 'No you don't. It isn't the same, I have no children.' but of course I didn't. I know she is only trying to help but to me it isn't the same. How can it be the same? How can we be just as heartbroken each month when our period comes?

Or am I being unfair? I know she was trying to be kind but I just feel so awful this month that it made me cross inside. I am being horrid today!


Argh xx

 

[Hays :)]

like you say she obviously didnt mean it to be harsh, but yeh you cant compare when she has already been blessed with kids, when you havent.

Dont worry chick, im like that the majority of the time too!

xx

 

[pinkfee]

Hi Billie1007

I don't know, a friend of mine has two children but she's been ttc for 6 years now for her third and I think she fully understands how I feel. (like you i've been trying 2 years) Obviously there is a difference but in a way how can we miss what we don't have and how it must be equally frustrating to know that you were able to do it before and now you can't

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that your being unfair and its always far better to let the gremlins out then keep then locked away! but I think try to give her a bit of grace, as i'm sure its just as hard for her in her own way.

Hope you do get your BFP and its just being shy




P.s. because before I really spoke to her about it, about how she was feeling I did think the same as you.

 

[readyformore]

Well, I've been on both sides. I don't expect most women without children to understand secondary infertility though. And honestly, I feel like I have been attacked a lot on this board for expressing my frustration at not being able to conceive again. I hesitated even to answer your question. But, since I have been through both primary and secondary infertility, I felt that I had a better perspective than most and could answer your question.

I had primary infertility with my first. We were unexplained. I was only 24 and I didn't know of a single person that had ttc longer than than 6 months. I had friends that started ttc when I had been ttc for 10 months. They got pregnant and then delivered a baby before I was even pregnant. It was heartbreaking. I really felt that I was never going to be a mom. It was one of the most devastating times of my life. I really was considering which country I wanted to adopt from.
I finally got pregnant after 4 IUIs with clomid. He's turning 9 next month!

I had 2 spontaneous pregnancies after him.

Then, I decided to ttc #4 (I love kids and babies and just didn't feel done with my family size). Now, I've been diagnosed with secondary infertility.

The feelings are very similar. I don't have the worry of never being pregnant, or nursing a baby, or seeing what a baby would look like that my DH and I had made. Those were fears I had while ltttc #1. I knew that I would get to rock my child to sleep, and send him to school b/c I would have adopted. I know that's not right for everyone, but I would have done it.

But, when you have children and go through infertility, it's still a sad, empty, loss. 1 child cannot replace another. Just like one pet, or even one person cannot replace another. I am thrilled beyond belief with my 3 children (considering I thought I would never have any, that's saying a lot), but it is heartbreaking to go through infertility. It really doesn't matter how many children you have.

I can say that when I try to get support about my inability to conceive a 4th, I hear a lot of "at least you have 3". And while there is a point to that, it still really hurts. I want this baby. I am trying very hard to even get pregnant and nothing is working. I am depressed each month when my period comes. This is very similar if not the same as ltttc #1. I was actually surprised at my feelings, to be honest. I want this baby as much as I wanted my first, and I think that is hard for women without children to understand. A 4th baby is just as much desired as my first. Maybe, if it wasn't so important to me, it wouldn't be as difficult. Maybe each women feels different? I'm not sure. I only know how I feel.

If I don't have another baby, I will grieve. It will be a sense of loss. I will not just walk away. Just like my first.

 

[Jennifer01]

I have a 17 yr old from an ex. I have been ttc and ntnp for around 4.5 years. It's awful. My oh has no kids, and with my first I didn't have the resources, money, smarts, and oh to parent the way I would have liked. So in a way I feel like I have primary infertility, even though technically I'm secondary. My child (who is almost an adult) told me the other day she gave up on having a sibling long ago-even though I have never discussed ttc with her. It made me feel terrible. I guess what I'm saying is infertility SUCKS no matter what, and we are all feeling the same.

 

[sugarpuff]

I had primary infertility and now have secondary infertility and primary is definitely the worse ! This time round I'm fairly philosophical and just feel so lucky to have my wonderful daughter that if I don't manage to conceive again it won't be the end of the world. First time round was just devastating though

 

[emz-amy]

here is my view ... i have a dd who is 5 and is so desperate for a lil bro or sis (she took 3 years to concieve) because i dont want her growing up being a only ( lonely child) i decided to ttc 2 and i knew it was gona be a struggle but i was prepared to put myself thru it again i cant understand if u have 2 or more kids and u know its gona be a struggle ttc again why bother? ( sorry its just my view) ttc takes over all diff emotions and can cause all sorts of probs ( thats wot i think) So my question is why bother having more kids if u have 2 kids who have got each other to grow up with? if i concieve again then thats it i def couldnt put myself thru it again i would be grateful im prob gona get jumped on big time but thats just my view

 

[readyformore]

here is my view ... i have a dd who is 5 and is so desperate for a lil bro or sis (she took 3 years to concieve) because i dont want her growing up being a only ( lonely child) i decided to ttc 2 and i knew it was gona be a struggle but i was prepared to put myself thru it again i cant understand if u have 2 or more kids and u know its gona be a struggle ttc again why bother? ( sorry its just my view) ttc takes over all diff emotions and can cause all sorts of probs ( thats wot i think) So my question is why bother having more kids if u have 2 kids who have got each other to grow up with? if i concieve again then thats it i def couldnt put myself thru it again i would be grateful im prob gona get jumped on big time but thats just my view

Don't you think that they are worth the struggle?

I do.

 

[emz-amy]

it depends really lol with me every single month af shows i go into meltdown and my dd really feeds off me as to how i feel

 

[SpicyWolf]

I don't think they are the same. At all.

A person who has received the absolutely amazing gift of being able to conceive a child cannot say that the desire to have *another* is exactly the same as the pain of not knowing if you will ever have one. They can certainly understand your pain - especially if they struggled with primary infertility, but it is NOT the same.

However, with that said, I do think that they are similar. They both cause heartache, grief, pain and doubt. And they both are frustrating in that our bodies are not doing what they are meant to do.

They a similar but not the same. A person who has been infinitesimally blessed to have a baby cannot in good faith say that the pain of a person who may never be so blessed is the same as wanting yet another on top of what they already have.

 

[readyformore]

Yeah, it's pretty much pointless to have this conversation.

It just goes round and round. It's hard to see someone else's point of view if you've never been there.

I did forget to mention Billie, that I don't think you are horrid at all. It's normal to feel the way that you do. I'm sure that I felt that way at one point too. I'm just on the other side now so I have a different perspective.

It really doens't matter what number baby, infertility sucks.

 

[Sophe]

I don't have any kids, if I ever do have one I know i will be LTTC number two and that scares me.

 

[readyformore]

I don't have any kids, if I ever do have one I know i will be LTTC number two and that scares me.

Oh, Sophe, that's not always true.

I promise you that whatever struggle you go through, it will be worth it. (I hope that didn't sound too corny, lol).

 

[zanDark]

I honestly don't think there's a fair or unfair opinion in situations like these I understand that it can be just as difficult for women with secondary infertility, but it still annoys me to death when my SIL complains that it took her nearly a year to conceive her second baby even tho it took her one month to conceive her first. I started TTC months before she conceived her second and she's now 8 months old lol

I think it's one of those situations that you can't fully understand if you haven't been in the other persons position...we all hurt I guess, but maybe we just hurt differently All of us who have never been pregnant keep thinking "what if I can't...what if it never happens?" and I think the ladies with secondary infertility are frustrated because they don't know why their bodies won't cooperate this time around.

I always try to keep in mind that infertility is frustrating and hurtful for everyone, regardless if they already have children or not...but I do admit to thinking negatively at times since I don't have a baby to cuddle when I'm feeling sad that the only time I've ever seen a faint bfp was after my trigger shot lol

 

[urchin]

I would never say it is a lesser pain (ltttc #2) but it is definitely a different pain.

The pain of ltttc your first child includes all of the pain and fear of never being a mother. When you have a child or children you ARE a mother, so that awful dread is no longer there.

I would never trivialise the pain of someone struggling with secondary infertility, but their pain is not my pain.

 

[rosebud_01_99]

The pain of ltttc your first child includes all of the pain and fear of never being a mother. When you have a child or children you ARE a mother, so that awful dread is no longer there.

urchin you have put that so well, that is exactly the only difference between primary and secondary, other than that fact i imagine all the frustrations are similar.

rosebud

 

[cooch]

I had primary infertility and now have secondary infertility and primary is definitely the worse ! This time round I'm fairly philosophical and just feel so lucky to have my wonderful daughter that if I don't manage to conceive again it won't be the end of the world. First time round was just devastating though

Thank you for this post. It is the prospect of being 'barren' and childless that is soo difficult to take and I hasten to add does send me loopy (and I'm sure some others ).

If I were lucky enough to be granted one child I would be soo delighted and thankful. I would however, want a sibling. But if I were having difficulty, and I can only comment for myself, there is no way I would feel quite as bad as how the feeling of never having one feels.

I wish everyone to get their desired and loved children.

 

[Septie]

I just had my second, and am hoping to add to our family once we are ready (am BF). I may well have problems next time, as I am an older mom, and I will be devastated if we can't have other. The monthly AF is probably equally frustrating no matter how many kids you have. BUT: I already have 2 wonderful, healthy children of my own that my OH and I created. I don't see how LTTC#3 can equal the pain and worry of LTTC#1. The fear of never having your own child must be utterly utterly devastating - being a parent has been the most wonderful experience of my life. And I feel sooo bad for all those who have been LTTC#1 Best wishes in getting a BFP!!!