Issues around TTC after M/C

[poshpaws]

Hi All,

Apologies in advance if this goes on a bit...

Me and my OH have been together for 2 and a half years now (married for 9 months). I was not ever in a position to try for a baby before and when we started trying just over a year ago I was convinced I would never be able to have a baby (I was 38, am now 39). Imagine my delight when I got pregnant in June (just 5 months after starting to try!). But then, I miscarried at about 9/10 weeks. We were both keen to start trying again as soon as we could, but I then had to have some treatment on abnormal cervical cells so we weren't able to start trying again until Ocober of last year. I know it's only been another 5 months and it isn't that long, but I don't seem to be able to shake off this feeling of failure. Failure for miscarrying in the first place and now failure everytime I get my period.

Sex beforehand was very enjoyable and satisfying and we would often have sex several times a week, sometimes every day and more than once in a day!

It has got to the point where I now seem to associate sex with failure (sex= trying for a baby=failure when it doesn't happen and failure for miscarrying) and this is affecting my sex drive. I guess there are issues from my miscarriage that are affecting this. I have tried to talk to my OH about this and he has been great. But however much he tells me I'm not a failure, I can't seem to shake the feeling. Is it time to seek professional help? Do I just need to be a bit more patient? I keep telling myself to chill out and it will happen when the time is right, but it doesn't seem to make any difference.

We are still having sex, but I have little interest in it at the moment...

Has anyone else gone through something similar? Any tips on how I can get over the barriers in my head that seem to be there all the time...?

I really believe I have no chance of conceiving again with my head in this state and the viscious cycle seems to just carry on and get worse each month.

Any advice you can give would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[Lolly W]

I can relate to what you're saying but the only advice I can give is just to give it time. Yes, I know, more time!

It's difficult enough to maintain a healthy sex life when you're ttc as it can become less than spontaneous. If you throw a failed pregnancy (or in my case two) into the equasion, it can really take the pleasure out of it for a while.

Keep talking to your other half and things will get better I promise.

 

[hb1]

Hey Poshpaws

Sorry you're feeling so down on yourself - you really need to not beat yourself up about this - easier said than done and I really don't know the answer but you are not a failure.

You could ask your dr to do hormone tests - I think that since you've essentially been ttc for a year with no viable pg to show for it and given your mc then you may get some help. Here's a link for info re hormone tests and what they show :

https://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/hormonelevels.html

The tests all coming back normal would alleviate your worries and if they did reveal something then you could address it - it may be something quite easy to solve - either way positive action is always good for the soul

I do think you need a little "you" time and let your oh know how you are feeling so he can provide the support you need.

hx

 

[rach83]

Hi Poshpaws, im sorry for your loss and how you;re feeling at the moment. People think a few weeks after the miscarriage that you're over the worst but in fact there's so many more issues in our heads we have to deal with when it comes to trying again. I had 2 mmc last year and have been trying for 2 months since the last mmc just before xmas (perfect timing or what!). What i've found is really good for me is to have lots of little things to look forward to, we've booked a few little wknds away, days out etc - though i'll admit im still countin the days to ovu / AF.... Easy for people to say the less you think about it the more likely it is to happen - even more so after you;ve experienced a loss. Wishing you lots of luck xx

 

[Charliemarina]

hey hunny im so sorry for ur losses and how ur feeling now please accept this HUGE

ok so im 26 and have been trying for 15 months now and had 3 back to back MC's, i know the barrier ur talking about and i find sex is now not so "fun" but more like whats the point its not gonna work and the feeling of failure like u say, do take some time out huns for yourself to heal properly all us girls are here if u need to vent cry or jump with joy, good luck hunny hope u feel better soon chick xxxx

 

[kanga]

Hi Poshpaws, sorry you're feeling negative at the moment.

A practical suggestion for getting over the barriers in your head would be CBT. You can get a book (Manage your Mind, Gillian Butler is the world best seller on this) or alternatively ask your doctor to put you for the 1-1 therapy. Its a way of re-training your negative thoughts that create a cycle. The negative cycle for you would be
(sex= trying for a baby=failure when it doesn't happen and failure for miscarrying=sex again)

I'm losng interest in sex too. Its just a function at the moment, a means to an end. When I got pregnant the last time it became really great and 'free' so I'm hoping for that again!