It breaks my heart when people say

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by TaraLynn, Nov 19, 2011.

  1. TaraLynn

    TaraLynn mama to Kiernan & 1 angel

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    "Enjoy your baby boy that you do have"

    Don't get me wrong, I could never put into words how grateful I am for my little baby boy. I was told after 4 years of trying I would never get pregnant. He truly is my little miracle and I thank God for him every day.

    But it breaks my heart that some act like it's "less" of a loss because I already have one baby. My angel baby was still my baby, even if only for a short time. And it makes me so sad to hear stuff like this because it makes me feel like they are brushing it off as not a big deal.

    Sorry, just needed to vent. One too many people have made this comment and I am so tired of hearing it. Have you gotten this before? How have you replied?
     
  2. Andypanda6570

    Andypanda6570 3 Boys and an Angel Ava

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    People like that have NO comprehension of a loss of this magnitude. I used to get crazy until I realized I used to be one of those people, you can't imagine this pain until you go through it. I lost Ava at 20 weeks, how do i get over that?
    Of course you are grateful for your little one but how can you be ok for what you lost? They don't mean to be but they are idiots, smile, ignore them and pray to God they never feel our pain.
    So deeply sorry for your loss, if you need to talk about anything I am here, always..XOXO ANDREA :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
     
  3. shinona

    shinona Well-Known Member

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    I completely understand where you are coming from. It used to make me really cross when someone would say this to me too. Just because I am so lucky to have a beautiful boy already doesn't make it hurt any less that I lost another baby. DH said it to me once or twice - he was only ever trying to get me to be positive and cheer me up - I know that. I think I just replied that of course I was grateful for ds and loved him to pieces but it didn't mean I wasn't devastated that another baby had been taken away as I loved that baby too even though I never saw it or even knew if it was a boy or a girl.

    :hugs:
     
  4. TaraLynn

    TaraLynn mama to Kiernan & 1 angel

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    Oh Andypanda! 20 weeks? I am so so sorry! :cry: You don't get over it. There is no way too. I guess we just take the short happiness we enjoyed with our little angels and move forward. We don't forget them and we move forward. Eventually.

    I am so happy to have all the support on here, I honestly dont know what I would do without it. Thank you for your kind words.
     
  5. TaraLynn

    TaraLynn mama to Kiernan & 1 angel

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    Shinona, I am sorry for your loss as well. I think it is just so different for us women. Our bodies change almost instantly and the baby becomes part of us so we are attached right from the get go. It just hurts my heart to know some people don't get that... I hate that anyone should ever have to go through this.
     
  6. amotherslove

    amotherslove MamaToLilyLucyAndLila<3

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    i get the "you can have other children" line.. since i don';t have kids. i just tell them flat out that it doesn't replace the one i lost. or if theyve got kids i ask them which child theyd kill.. i'm a bit nasty when people are stupid and insensitive though.
     
  7. TaraLynn

    TaraLynn mama to Kiernan & 1 angel

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    Well it serves them right. I havent said it myself but I have thought exactly the same thing, which child of yours would you give up? =/ I also despise the "well at least you know you can get pregnant". Ok, sorry, vent over!
     
  8. blueskai

    blueskai

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    Yeah I get frustrated at the "you have plenty of time to try again", I think it's a terrible thing for someone to say, as if your loss totally didn't matter.
    people can be so ignorant sometimes.

    xo
     
  9. yelyah

    yelyah Member

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    "It wasn't meant to be..."
    what part of this sentence do people think makes you feel any better....this is the one i hate
    someone at work actually said " it's probably for the best" i am in a stable relationship with my own house, secure job why would a miscarriage be the best thing for me...so that i now don't have to inconvenience you with maternity leave!
    sorry rant over

    sorry to everyone going thru this it it truely the worst time of my life xxx
     
  10. shinona

    shinona Well-Known Member

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    I know this one if so hard to hear too but as time has gone by for me I have come to accept that there was probably something not right with my little one or things didn't develop as they should have. To me, Mother Nature took matters into her own hands. I know that it doesn't make you feel any better though.

    xx
     
  11. mumwannabe

    mumwannabe Well-Known Member

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    I had this from a midwife!!!! :growlmad:
    She was so matter-of-fact about it all. I know they see these things all the time, but they should also realise how much it hurts the individual concerned (they "see" it enough!!) - the midwife didn't respond to my tears straight away but eventually asked if it was planned, and if it was our first etc, handed me a tissue... but by then, the damage was done!

    Am sorry to all you ladies experiencing losses, it is very hard but at least we have each other for support ;)
     
  12. momofone08

    momofone08 Mommy of 3!

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    I'm so sorry for your loss. I was told the exact same thing. Be happy for your little girl. I LOVE and ADORE my baby girl, however I LOVE my little angel!!!! I just don't understand why people are so insensitive.
     
  13. Hellylou

    Hellylou Mum to 3 and 1 Angel

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    I'm sorry for your loss. :hugs:I get this a lot too - "you have 2 lovely children, be happy with that", as if I somehow shouldn't be so sad at losing my little boy at 16 weeks because I already have children. It's such a skewed logic, it's infuriating.

    The other one that winds me up is "everything happens for a reason"...no it doesn't! There was nothing wrong with my baby, he was completely fine, my waters broke and there is no explanation. If there was a reason for this happening that somehow fits into the grand scheme of things I would love to know what it is!

    You just have to deflect these comments as they come. It's frustrating, but unfortunately people just don't realise what they are doing by saying it. If only they could just say nothing except "I am so sorry". Life would be so much easier.
     
  14. TaraLynn

    TaraLynn mama to Kiernan & 1 angel

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    I couldnt have said it better, just say sorry and give me a hug. Thats all I want, that alone speaks VOLUMES. just leave it at that!

    I am sorry for all of your losses as well girls. I am sorry we are all here in this forum, but I am so thankful to each of you for all of your kind words and understanding. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!
     
  15. poebuffalo

    poebuffalo Active Member

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    I've never had a child. But I have to say.. it breaks my heart when people say, "Well it wasn't your first child. It was just a fetus. Just wait for your hormones to level out."


    So in a sense it's kind of the same.. One day I will have a first born. But he will not be my first child. Instead of two, there will be one. And I'll never know what he was like.
     
  16. TaraLynn

    TaraLynn mama to Kiernan & 1 angel

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  17. LetsDoIt

    LetsDoIt Well-Known Member

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    Hun I am so sorry. I know people dont understand and its so unfair to hear shit like that!! Hugs
     

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