Its the uncertainty thats the killer.....

Discussion in 'Long Term Trying To Conceive' started by Charlie19, Aug 28, 2009.

  1. Charlie19

    Charlie19 Well-Known Member

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    Hi all

    had my HSG this month so had everything crossed that something would happen but....no surprises you can set grenwich mean time by my cycle !!!:haha:

    My thing is (well observation really) is that I am really het up from day 26-28 and the second :witch: arrives I feel fine again my usual self. I mean i am depressive/ obsessive about the whole LTTC thing and AF arrives and return to my usual chilled self, Does anyone else get this?

    I know most of you guys are gutted and cry etc but I feel strangly relieved like I feel better from knowing ?????Obviously massively disappointed but feel more able to control my feelings, i suppose i feel less able to hide my feelings between day 26-28. does this sound familiar??

    Well time to pull up socks and bring on day 5 so i can start trying again !! more tests this month, scan and GP appointment then roll on OCtober for the FS appointment No2 .

    You guys know what happens at appontment No 2?? All tests for me come back ok so far and DH has has slighty low motility .....


    18 months down.....1 to go ???

    who knows !!!!
     
  2. reallyready

    reallyready Well-Known Member

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    Charlie - I totally agree with you. I hate the waiting of the last few days and who doesn't, but it makes me nutty (clearly I am spending today's work day writing on every post on here!) :rofl:

    Once I know what I'm dealing with when AF arrives I hit an internal reset.
    I actually cry more and have more emotional turmoil around ovulation time I'm guessing due to the increase in estrogen.

    This is my last cycle of clomid with OBGYN, I'm getting booted to an FS next and am guessing I won't get an appt until October. Quite frankly, after a BFN is seen, I just want AF to arrive so I can move on.

    The uncertainty frecks with my mind. I seriously, especially this cycle, have imagined I'm pregnant cause I've had symptoms I never had before. So now that the BFN clearly states otherwise, I'm like bring it ON AF!
    xxx
     
  3. Blue12

    Blue12 icsi miracle xo

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    Ladies I have gone through this too. I do feel better when af actually comes and have nervous emotional energy at ov time and right before af.

    Since finding out about both tubes blocked - both maybe being removed - pcos - and ivf being the only option - I feel "flat" emotionally - it is not physically possible now (or never actually was) so not sure how im going to feel at these times anymore.

    Right now I am feeling a bit emotional from the news still - delivered the day before af appeared - but also emotional - that I am now holding onto the very end of a rope - the thought that after ivf (if is doesn't work) there is nothing else for me but adoption. It is not that DH and I are against adoption, it is that I thought I was far away from needing ivf and that there would be many more steps before ivf, like months of clomid, maybe a few iui's, and then and only then would ivf come into the picture. Now instead ive been told we are going straight to ivf and that is our only option - that is a hard one to get my head around - AND IT IS THE UNCERTAINTY THAT IS THE KILLER - regarding ivf right now for me right now.
     
  4. missmarls

    missmarls Well-Known Member

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    I do the same kind of thing...I have an emotional meltdown every time my temp drops and I start spotting, but once AF is gone I'm filled with renewed hope. I don't know why I still do that to myself, after 2 years I know it's ridiculous to be so optimistic....at least I finally have a FS appt in two weeks!
     
  5. Blue12

    Blue12 icsi miracle xo

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    I think it is good that we are still optimistic.
     
  6. reallyready

    reallyready Well-Known Member

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    Hi Blue,
    I had not read the full extent of your story until this post. And I felt so struck with empathy with you that you have had a course of action in mind and someone just pulled the rug out from under you on it. It's really natural for any of us I think to go through the steps of preparation: OK first we'll try natural, then clomid, then IUI, then injections, then whatever else they have if anything, and then at the final stage if our insurance will cover it, we'll try IVF and THEN if that doesn't work we'll discuss adoption. Mixed in with this we'll consult acupuncture, herbs, diet and nutrition. So please go easy on your reaction space right now because it is a lot of information rushed at you and to take in that your course is no longer what you'd envisioned. It's a new path they've just laid out for you and DH.

    Regarding the moods at different times during the cycles: I've been reading the estrogen surge around O and just before AF affects my emotional state to the point where I will process information with more emotion on those days than on other days during my cycle when estrogen is a smaller portion in my hormonal cocktail. It doesn't mean the feelings aren't valid but that at those times they are more on the surface and more readily accessible, bubbling up and thank god or I might bottle up everything without ever releasing.

    Anyway given that theory, maybe you are still going to have the same surges present even with the knowledge that your tubes are currently blocked. I am thinking you are ovulating and you are having your period still, correct? Are you able to get a second, third and fourth opinion before getting tubes removed? Are there options you and DH are willing to look into outside of the scientific Western medicine route?

    One beautiful thing I read recently in a book titled "Woman" by Natalie Angier is that when one tube is "tied down" with endometrial adhesions the other tube will reach both ovaries; actually reach OVER to the ovary on the other side to take over for the immovable tube. Well, I found this fascinating! That even when things are not functioning well, our body will accommodate the changes, will find its way. That our bodies WANT to reproduce. For me, this was a shift in thought. That even in being "infertile" somehow and in ways I have no understanding of, my body is still trying to reproduce.

    Keep your chin up, Blue. Please keep us posted on your process. We're all routing for you. And you may feel like you are holding the end of a rope, but remember to look down and see there is a net under you.

    xoxoxo :hugs:
     
  7. Blue12

    Blue12 icsi miracle xo

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    You are so wonderful reallyready and thank you so much for caring. LOL I like how you said there is a net there.

    Luckily I do ovulate on my own and I have a very regular period. Unfortunately my tube/tubes are not just blocked. One is blocked and infected so bad that it has been damaged beyond repair and the fluid in it kills eggs and embryos. The other one is blocked and might be infected, they are not certain about the infection just from the hsg test. Right now I am waiting to meet and consult with the surgeon - which is kind of like getting a second opinion, so I will see how that goes.

    That is a very interesting perspective reallyready - that our bodies want to reproduce - when it feels so infertile. I did hear about that one tube coming over and taking the egg from the other ovary, that is incredible. It would be wonderful if my one tube was able to be unblocked, but I am not even going to hope for it, cause the doctor said it is not possible to fix.

    :hugs2: to all!!!
     

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