IVF, my husband's pride is going to destroy us

[TinyLynne]

Hi. I haven't posted on the assisted conception board yet, as I haven't started. DH was found to have a Balanced Translocation after 4 chemical losses. We decided to continue naturally, and had loss #5. I am ready to move to IVF with PGD to stop these senseless losses and the suffering. I have done a lot of research, and started a savings account. But anytime I try to share my findings with DH, he ignores them. He told me in counseling that he didn't like the idea of IVF, because it 'wasn't us'. I finally broke down last night, and he kept telling me that he doesn't want to... And I'm devastated. He is killing our marriage. His pride is destroying us. He is letting me suffer, and we have a way around it, and he won't take it.

Did any of you ladies have trouble convincing your DH to agree to IVF? What made him more comfortable with it?

I'm at a loss, I was hoping his wife's happiness and sanity was enough for him to let go of his silly pride, but it doesn't seem to be and I don't know what to do.

 

[wannabmum]

Hi hun firstly so sorry your going threw this sorry dont have much advice but didnt want to read and run, perhaps he has just not come to term with diagnosis as yet and mix self denial & blaming himself, when did you discover this was the issue? xx

 

[TinyLynne]

A couple of months ago. And I'm sure that's what the problem is, but he needs to get over it before it is too late. I got over it and just want to move forward, and he is holding me back.

 

[Gkmk]

Hi hope your husband realises soon how lucky we all are to be in a generation where IVF with PGD is available. It would be a risk to have a natural conception without a PGD. I completely support your decision with IVF and think natural conception is risking the baby chromosome make up. May be he needs more time and statistics which show the reality of having a baby naturally without any chromosomal problems

 

[Gkmk]

Some people just need more time. I am sure more than an year would be difficult to wait. Your husband might be ok in another 6 months. My husband wanted us to move to IVF as we have unexplained infertility. But it took me 1 year to come to terms with IVF. Even a month before i moved to IVF I cried "why me". From my childhood, I used to always go for herbal medicines and it was a big blow to my lifestyle to take so many synthetic medicines. However, I knew having a baby is more important than my views on synthetic medicines and all I needed was time and unsuccessful attempts at pregnancy to come to terms with IVF

 

[1nceUponATime]

I'm sorry your DH is so against IVF. Perhaps he is just not at the same place as you are right now...He might not realize the seriousness of what is happening.. Maybe you could find a way to explain to him in a way he understands, or maybe he just needs some time to come to grips with reality. Or maybe you could find someone that has been through IVF to talk to him, maybe another male figure that has been the partner in a similar situation can talk some sense into him? Good luck!

 

[rachy28]

Im sure he'll come round to the idea. Its a relatively new diagnosis for you both so it will take time to get used to.

The problem with men is they dont like admitting they're wrong, im not saying that in the sense that its his fault, just that he knows you get pregnant....Therefore he's clearly not the issue iykwim???

My dh has severe antisperm antibodies, its almost impossible for us to achieve natural conception but because he has lots of sperm, he thinks he's super fertile when infact he has immune infertility.

Ive just completed my first pgd cycle for genetic screening of Cardiomyopathy. Its an autosomal dominant disease meaning 50/50 chance of passing on my defective gene. As you can see from my signature, we actually only have 1 healthy embryo from 5 blastocysts. My dh has been amazing and to be honest, you do all the hard work involved in ivf, he just has to squirt in a petri dish! From what I understand with BT is that odds of a healthy pregnancy are greatly reduced. There is a Facebook Group called IVF with PGD Support Group, its totally private so you can speak freely without worrying your friends may see it. There are lots of us there doing pgd and many for BT like yourself. Pop over and check it out xx

 

[KatO79]

So sorry to hear that

Would it help if an RE talks to him and gives him the facts? Maybe he needs a professional to tell him that IVF is the way to go. Maybe also try a therapist and get some counseling?

Also I don't think you should compare you having "gotten over it" so quickly to him taking more time. People have different ways of coping with bad news and the time it takes to deal with things emotionally. His feelings are just as valid as your own! Don't make him feel wrong for needing more time to deal with the situation. Try and be understanding. Pushing for him to get over it as quickly as you did can't lead to anything good, it'll put an extra strain on your marriage. Suggest maybe going to a therapist so you can deal with this situation together and find out what he needs to cope with this and what help is needed to help him understand it. Maybe also get some individual counseling as well so the therapist can help you each individually as well? He's going through a grief period right now. Don't bulldoze over him and his feelings, you'll only make him dig his heels in and make it worse.

 

[Moma Ali]

to be honest and its not a nice thing to hear but maybe breaking up might be best, at best it will give him time to think and evaluate everything without 'nagging' or arguments and at worst you end up moving on alone and not wasting anymore time... resentment and the 'what if's' are killers when it comes to starting a family and marraige, if he never comes round (a possability) and it never happens could you live with everything you lost without hating him for not even trying?

we went through this too and broke up, DH came round in the end and now regrets all the time we wasted but thats a mistake he has to realise alone because telling a man hes 'wrong' will only make him more stubborn and ridged in the place

 

[Lilly Pud]

I hope your husband comes round, sometimes they just need time, my partner wanted to put off IVF for just 2 months as it was not the right time, and I cried and cried and thought how mean he was.
Maybe just say to him 'this is our only option to be a family, but I understand its a lot for you to take in so lets forget about it for a month and then you can tell me what you have decided'. I think any longer that a month to 6 weeks without knowing your future will drive you mad and may effect your relationship. You need to know where you stand. This is just my opinion, sometimes other people getting involved in your business is not helpful. Good Luck and I hope everything turns out for the best X

 

[TinyLynne]

I NEVER said that my husband's feelings weren't valid. We have been seeing a counselor and he won't talk! He won't even give me a reason why he doesn't like it.

I told him I am ok with trying naturally right now, but when I've had enough, I'm done. And at that point where I can't keep going he needs to make a choice. He seemed ok with it, time will tell.