Just found out a complete bombshell about my OH :(

[seany3]

So we were round at an old couple friend of my husbands, and were having a lovely night until going home time. I was chatting to the woman aboutmh preg etc, she guessed as soon as I saw her as she has 3 boys and is delighted for us. When we were leaving she asked when my scan was etc and I said two weeks, I hope everything will be ok I'm nervous etc, and then she said that my oh must be nervous too because of what happened with his ex( who she is still friends with) and then went on to tell me that basically his ex had a mmc that they found out about at the 12 week scan. I assume she thought I already knew I don't think she told me out of spite or anything.

I had absolutely no idea as he never told me his ex had ever got pregnant and this is the first I've heard of it. I feel really hurt and stupid that he never told me, and disappointed as I thought this was his first time for all of this too. I told him on the way home what had happened and he says how was I ever meant to bring that up and it was a totally different situation, unplanned etc and 2 years before we got together, weve been married nearly 3 years, but I feel like it's completely taken the shine off things for me. I'm absolutely devastated and can't stop crying

 

[Emmy0320]

That would be hard! I know you're probably upset/mad but I would try not to be. I could see how that would be something that would be really hard to bring up. Just think how you would've felt if he brought it up years ago at a random time.. probably would've been upsetting then too.

 

[ace28]

I don't know what to say but I didn't want to R&R. and I'm so sorry this has been such a shocking discovery for you!

 

[Mendy]

It is something difficult to find out But just think, you both are experiencing this together for the first time....and I'm sure he's very excited about becoming a dad for the first time as well. I hope things get better for you soon!

 

[seany3]

Thanks, I just feel really stupid for being all excited and talking to him about everything that's going on and he's been through all this part before and never told me. I feel like I don't want to talk about my preg with him anymore. I know this all probably sounds irrational but I honestly feel like I've been punched I'n the stomach and like a total fool x

 

[peachy905]

Awww... I am so sorry to hear about the situation and you are understandably shaken. That being said, please try to focus on the fact that this is a special time for BOTH of you and that I really do not think that this is any less exciting for him. I am sure that he is thrilled and excited to be a dad and loves every step of this journey with you. *hugs*

 

[17thy]

I would feel the same way.

 

[Raincloud]

I would feel the same way. I'm sorry you had to find out that way.

 

[seany3]

I don't want him to come to my scan now as he's been through it before and it went wrong. I haven't a clue what to do with this really cut up about it x

 

[momto3kiddies]

I can totally understand how you feel because I would feel the same way. Its like you feel as if you dont know him anymore and what else has he been keeping from you. I dont doubt that your relationship is secure and this is just "one of those things" I think you should take it easy and just sleep on it. Im sure he had his reasons for not sharing that information and you can try to talk to him and maybe try to understand. This is a very special time for you both and try not to let this change that.

 

[oh_socold]

Aw girl, I know exactly how you feel. I had to terminate a pregnancy due to my and the babies health about a year ago. The weekend after the fact I was at his fathers house, and his father told me something similar that he did this with someone else before (aside from the being sick thing) and he had no clue about my situation. I felt like someone kicked me in the chest...and felt like that for months. It wasnt the fact that he had a life before me that hurt me, so much as it was that he didnt tell me, and wasnt as emotional as I was (obviously it wasnt the first time)...It felt like a betrayal in the sense of trust. He had a similar reaction as your OH because well how do you bring something like that up, but when it comes out..they wish they had manned up and said something earlier.

What I can offer you is that look, well you know now, you cant unknow it, but you need to be honest with him. The biggest mistake I made was to keep all the hurt feelings in, and the backlash against him emotionally from me that was from bottling those feelings were terrible. I wish I had spoken to him in depth about it earlier than I did cause I could've saved myself a lot of heart ache. Explain to him how you feel, ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot...and he should know to expect you to be hurt for a little while...and if this makes you feel any better, after twelve weeks its all new territory for the both of you. Maybe you speaking to him about your feelings and things that are going on with you, is something his ex never did...you never know. The best thing to do is to communicate, because in reality speaking to my man was the only thing that gave me the clarity to let it go and move past it. Work through it together, it may hurt now, but maybe with clear communication and understanding it may bring you closer together.

Oh, and cry if you need to. Crying always makes me feel better when Im done crying, like somethings been lifted off my shoulder.

EDIT: Sorry I didnt mean for this to be a book...

 

[arj]

I would be really annoyed at my husband if I found out that. Man I'd be wild. Not about the MC but about the fact he kept it from me!

Two of my good friends terminated a pregnancy to someone else in their teenage years and both of their husbands don't know. Some people just like to keep things secret as not to possibly hurt their current partner.

 

[Myturn]

That is sooo very hard. I'm sorry your hurting. But in the same aspect I'm sure that everything is new and exciting to him also. It's new because it is with YOU. His wife! Your guys first baby! Maybe he never brought it up to you because it was never really that important to him because he really did not care about her?? I know that sounds kinda harsh but.... I mean an X is an X for a reason. Right? I would just go on as if things are new and exciting because I guarantee it is for him too.

About the whole her telling you thing. Be carful even if she seems very nice and friendly with you remember she is still friends with her. It really was not her place to say anything. Even if she was saying it "lovingly". It was your hubby's place to let you know that. I understand that you would be upset that he never told you. That would of hurt me too. But, maybe it was something that he just wanted to forget about and never discuss again.

Sorry this is long I just hope that you feel better. And, that you can see past it. Because he did marry YOU! and, he wants this baby with YOU!

Sending hugs your way XXXXXXX>>>>>>>>>>

 

[seany3]

THanks to all you lovely ladies for the support. I'ts 3.12am I'n the Uk and I'm I'n the spare room because I just want to be on my own. He's really angry she told me but I just told him I'm sleeping I'n here because I want to be on my own. I just can't stop crying I feel so upset and hurt and cant rationalise I just wish I could switch off and go asleep but I just feel devastated x

 

[mixedbeautyx]

I would feel the same way, esp if he never even told me and someone else did. Id be hurt.

 

[Myturn]

Dang chicky I am sooo very sorry that your hurting! But, you really should try to relax and get some rest for you and your baby. You have to be exhausted from all of this. I really think you should try to relax. Maybe if you went and talked to him about things you might feel better. Like find out why he never told you. I just hope that you can find some peace in all of this so you can rest. HUGS!

 

[Elucida]

I'd be upset too, it would be hard to know he'd kept something so big from me.

But, he's lost a child and people deal with these things in all sorts of ways. Maybe it was just too sad for him and he just blocked it out? Maybe he's been scared these past few weeks and knew it would be a bad time to tell you and has put your feelings first?

He sounds like a good guy and as much as this has been hard for you, he's been through something that nobody should ever have to go through and will be scared right now and in need of support.

Life's too short, maybe just talk about it and let it go? X

 

[seany3]

I'd be upset too, it would be hard to know he'd kept something so big from me.

But, he's lost a child and people deal with these things in all sorts of ways. Maybe it was just too sad for him and he just blocked it out? Maybe he's been scared these past few weeks and knew it would be a bad time to tell you and has put your feelings first?

He sounds like a good guy and as much as this has been hard for you, he's been through something that nobody should ever have to go through and will be scared right now and in need of support.

Life's too short, maybe just talk about it and let it go? X

Thanks and everyone is giving me great advice, I think it's just So raw at the moment and I feel so hurt and like he's betrayed my trust by keeping such a massive secret. The worst part for me is how stupid I feel for being so excited and telling hi
M everything that's going on completely oblivious that he went through it all before

 

[Rickles]

I think right now you're probably in a state of shock, feeling hurt and very upset which I think any of us would feel the same way.

However please don't lose sight of the fact this is his baby too, you shouldn't deny him the excitement to see the scan and be part of your pregnancy.

I can actually understand him not saying anything once you were pregnant - it was probably a really difficult time for him, he's probably been as worried as all of us that something might not go right, because he knows it doesn't always work out. Ideally he should have said something before you started TTC - but maybe he was scared of your reaction and didn't want to hurt you?? I know it's a grey area, but he hasn't lied, he just hasn't disclosed something painful and personal from his past probably because he didn't want to tarnish what he saw as his perfect life with you!!!

My OH has been married before - we're talking about getting married now. I admit part of me thinks it might not be as special because he's done it before. But your OH has not HAD another baby - it is both of your first baby - and as of 1 week from now you will be going forward into new territory for both of you, don't let his past cast a shadow over the amazing future you can have together!!

Hugs xx

 

[seany3]

Thanks rickles I will try xx