Just need to get it off my chest....

[roothy]

HI all
Just need to express how I feel right now and this is the only place I feel people will truly understand.
I had mc in feb after TTC for nearly 2 years. First ever pregnancy at 41yrs. TTc again and now in 3rd cycle of trying - which I know is early days - but I am temp charting, doing OPKS,cm etc and been generally driving myself nuts

This last month I was feeling really positive - my temp remained high after ovulation and coming up when period would be due I had none of my usual PMT symptoms. Then yesterday - the witch came and knocked me sideways.
I cried so much and even today I feel all that sadness is just there inside
I should be 6 months pregnant now - I shouldnt NEED to be TTC again.
My baby should be here with me every second of the day.

At work a colleague has just gone on maternity leave. She had her leaving do end of last week - I couldnt go. EVeryone was talking about baby presents etc. It was so painful. Several people asked me if I was going to her do - obviously didnt occur to them that maybe I would still be upset.
Today I actually confided in someone at work that I was upset yesterday when my period came - she just said ' oh is that all'!!!! SHe has had 2 ectopics herself and thought she would have understood. Seems not.
I now find that the pregnant colleague who has just left - her husband has to have an emergency op in a few days. I honestly dont wish them anything but all the best - with baby and his op - but I just cant find it in me to feel sympathy or enter into the general chatter about how awful it is for her. I feel such a bitch and I hate myself for it.

Sorry to ramble on - I just had to say these things to people I hope would understand. Why is life so unfair? All we wanted was one child.... not half a dozen....not a football team..... just one.

Anyway - feel better for putting that in black and white
Thanks for reading

 

[BlauweSchaap]

I'm so sorry for your loss. We all handle loss differently, so you have to understand that your co-worker probably did not intend to be insensitive to your sadness. She probably was not sure what to say. I miscarried last July and I still cried this last cycle as for some reason I was certain I would get my BFP in May. You will conceive again, and you will have the baby that is meant for you.

 

[patiently]

roothy i really feel for you like Blauweschaap said we all handle loss differently, i know how you feel about people at work not being sensitive i was pg and had a mc in feb too and another girl who was 2 weeks further along into her pregnancy still comes to talk to me about buying baby clothes and going or scans and how she feels...so inconsiderate...when she's tired she comes to me for sympathy and me being overly friendly i try to make her feel better but its hard...i dont want to be sympathetic because no one is to me...well apart from on here to be honest...the hardest place is the workplace especially now there are 5 pg women since feb...it will happen for you...im pg now i found out two weeks ago...but my hcg numbers arent doubling as they should be so im trying to be hopeful...in feb that was the 1st time i was pg too...life does feel unjust sometimes...but i know you will get pregnant again and go on to have a healthy baby again...the first two months i used opks checked my cm etc etc...and last month i decided..as hard as it was...to stop focusing on it so much to think positive and let it just happen...i didnt bd on the days i thought i would ovulate and was upset but low and behold i took a pg test and it was positive...try to relax about it...i know its hard trust me i obsess about everything and now im scared of everything...but relaxation is the key...you will have your little bundle of joy i just know it...Good luck and sending loads and loads and loads of baby dust and sticky beans your way...

 

[hellypops]

i'm so sorry for your loss
we've just had a move around at work and a pregnant girl is now in my department,i don't know the girl and i don't want to,its just too hard,and i have no sympathy for her when she complains about sickness and weight gain,i keep thinking that should be me and i would give anything to be going through that so long as my baby was with me.
sending you lots of hugs.xxx.

 

[myboo1971]

I'm so sorry Roothy. I do sympathise. I had a mmc after IVF/ICSI in April. It was my final NHS round and I don't know whether we will ever afford to go privately. I'm 40 in August and that was the first time I achieved a pregnancy in 10 years of trying. People around me seem to think I should be over it and just get on with things and it makes me very angry. Don't beat yourself up. We all grieve in our own way. We're not asking for much.

 

[roothy]

You are such a lovely bunch of ladies - you really are.
Thank you all for all your support
Sorry for all your losses
patiently - I understand what you say about not wanting to be sympathetic but you end up making the other person feel better. Its almost like we have to feel we have to protect other people from our pain in case it upsets them. Crazy but the expectation is we should just be over it and I guess we are just going along with that

myboo1971 - angry is how I feel too about it. Feeling like your clock is ticking just heightens the emotion. I feel I dont have years to simply sit back and try - and yet all the charting etc drives me nuts

I think I am going to take a step back this next cycle - stop the temps and OPKs and just have a cycle 'off'. Get on with life. But its just so hard and some days it is even harder than others

Big hugs to you all

 

[patiently]

You should do whatever feels right for you roothy...if you want to take a break thats fine and if not then thats fine too...some days are harder especially when everyone around has no difficulties and it seems that the women who really want children come across some hurdles whilst others who simply have accidents find it all easy...I found that my life revolved around weekly segments...the weeks leading up to ovulation, the tww and the cycle would continue month after month, last month i said to myself that i needed a break because i was breaking down at the first sight of AF and my eyes would be swollen for days from crying...my OH said to have faith and that it will happen for us when i dont stress about it...and it did...and it will for you too...x sometimes try to concentrate on something else, like for me we were planning a holiday so my focus was on something else though i never really stopped thinking about ttc...the opks would make me bd with my OH on those fertile days and all i thought about was...will this sperm meet the egg...but last month i bd when i wanted to...it was meaningful and took the pressure off of us both...try not to put too much pressure on yourself too..You are, like many other women on this forum, strong and determined, and you will love your baby when he/she does arrive...i hope that you will get your bfp very soon and your baby will arrive 9 months later x