Just need to get it out

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by GemmaG, Jun 10, 2019.

  1. GemmaG

    GemmaG Well-Known Member

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    Im not really sure what to say other than I’m struggling so badly and I can’t see how it’s going to get any better I know in time it will but I just need to get some perspective. I suppose I feel that maybe by writing this it will be therapeutic in some way...... so here goes I’m sorry for the long post.....

    Today I lost my baby at nearly 8 weeks and it has been a really traumatic experience for me. This isn’t my first loss I had four miscarriages when I was younger from the age of 21 to 23 just before I got married and couldn’t get pregnant again naturally after my husband suffered an injury in a car accident resulting in male antisperm antibodies. We finally had ICSI after trying for nearly 6 years and had beautiful boy and girl twins. Our chances of conceiving naturally are literally slim to none so I was more than content with what I had.......... and then bam I was pregnant, I was in absolute disbelief. I struggled with the idea at first as I had become so resigned to the fact that it wouldn’t never happen. But once I settle in to it I was beyond excited. This was the first pregnancy were I felt I had everything good in my life and I could feel excited and not be driven by fear like the rest always being overshadowed by other emotions. I already had a successful pregnancy so really thought this would be the same. I had a private scan booked on Friday and it was great everything looked great other than that baby was measuring a bit behind but strong heartbeat of 124. Fast forward to Saturday and I woke up and I was spotting. As I had a scan privately the day before I decided to wait it out and then I got red blood, I rang the hospital and was told I couldn’t come to the EPU as I had an appointment this Thursday so I was told to wait. But I needed to know everything was okay so off I went again privately and saw babies heartbeat was okay everything as it should be but the only thing different was a sub chorionic hematoma was present on the anterior of the sac. I came home and I just felt not right and within an hour I had some more spotting but I thought it was just the hemotoma. Getting up on Sunday I just knew things were starting to happen and by 11am I started bleeding really heavily and had the most horrendous pain. I ended up in A&E and got pain relief and was told to return today to the EPU to check over everything as it may just be a bleed from hemotoma. I asked what my hcg levels were and was told it was 3900, I thought it was on the low side but maybe I’d still be okay. This morning on getting up the pain and bleeding sub sided and I really started to get some hope that the hemotoma had bleed out. But I was wrong within a couple of hours I felt something come away and went to the toilet and found the intact gestational sac with the big hemotoma stuck to the side of it on my pad. I rang the EPU and they told me to come to my appointment anyway for a scan to make sure but there was no doubting it. I attended and brought the baby and every else with me in a Tupperware box and had an internal scan which revealed everything was in fact gone. I asked what I should do with the baby and was told they would take it but it would be classed as medical waste. She advised me to take it home if I wished and that’s what I did. So now I’m sitting here now in bed completely overcome with such a feeling of grief and I’m totally exhausted. Just 48hrs ago my baby was safe inside me with a wonderful little heartbeat and now she’s in my freezer I don’t know what to do. I’m still sore at times and bleeding off and on. My boobs still hurt and every movement makes me cry when I feel it. It has hit me so hard and I don’t know how quite to cope with the overwhelming feeling of guilt and absolute failure. I’m sorry for the long post but I just needed to get it out I feel so alone in my thoughts tonight I’m completely crushed x
     
  2. Jft1

    Jft1 Well-Known Member

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    I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's absolutely devastating when you get your hopes up just to have them crushed. I had an ectopic in November and lost the baby at 7 weeks when the tube ruptured, and after that I just felt so empty. I didn't realise how devastated and upset I would be, I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. It did get better with time though. You're truly blessed with your twins and I hope and pray you feel better soon. My thoughts are with you and there's plenty of people here if you need to talk x
     
    GemmaG likes this.
  3. flou

    flou Well-Known Member

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    :hugs: I am so sorry for your loss and how you are feeling is completely understandable. I have had 3 miscarriages and 2 lovely DS'. The first two miscarriages were before I managed to conceive DS 1. Each time it took a while to conceive. When we decided to try for baby number 2 I fell pg straight away. I thought all my previous troubles with conceiving and losing babies were behind me. Surely I had more than done my time. But unfortunately I miscarried and it completely floored me. But I did feel better with time. I know our situations are not exactly the same but you will feel better in time. Just be kind to yourself and give yourself the opportunity to feel angry and hurt. Things will get better, even if the pain doesn't go you will be able to manage it in time. Take care xxx
     
  4. Classic Girl

    Classic Girl Well-Known Member

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    I read your story in first trimester! I totally understand the anger and devastation. My story is in my signature. Hugs to you
     
  5. OnErth&InHvn

    OnErth&InHvn Waiting on Bee

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    Awww hugs. I had the baby at home with my loss in 2009. I think that's having the baby at home helped. I then took the baby and put it inside a build a bear. Now I can carry my baby whenever I want.
     

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