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- Jan 13, 2010
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Im not really sure what to say other than I’m struggling so badly and I can’t see how it’s going to get any better I know in time it will but I just need to get some perspective. I suppose I feel that maybe by writing this it will be therapeutic in some way...... so here goes I’m sorry for the long post.....
Today I lost my baby at nearly 8 weeks and it has been a really traumatic experience for me. This isn’t my first loss I had four miscarriages when I was younger from the age of 21 to 23 just before I got married and couldn’t get pregnant again naturally after my husband suffered an injury in a car accident resulting in male antisperm antibodies. We finally had ICSI after trying for nearly 6 years and had beautiful boy and girl twins. Our chances of conceiving naturally are literally slim to none so I was more than content with what I had.......... and then bam I was pregnant, I was in absolute disbelief. I struggled with the idea at first as I had become so resigned to the fact that it wouldn’t never happen. But once I settle in to it I was beyond excited. This was the first pregnancy were I felt I had everything good in my life and I could feel excited and not be driven by fear like the rest always being overshadowed by other emotions. I already had a successful pregnancy so really thought this would be the same. I had a private scan booked on Friday and it was great everything looked great other than that baby was measuring a bit behind but strong heartbeat of 124. Fast forward to Saturday and I woke up and I was spotting. As I had a scan privately the day before I decided to wait it out and then I got red blood, I rang the hospital and was told I couldn’t come to the EPU as I had an appointment this Thursday so I was told to wait. But I needed to know everything was okay so off I went again privately and saw babies heartbeat was okay everything as it should be but the only thing different was a sub chorionic hematoma was present on the anterior of the sac. I came home and I just felt not right and within an hour I had some more spotting but I thought it was just the hemotoma. Getting up on Sunday I just knew things were starting to happen and by 11am I started bleeding really heavily and had the most horrendous pain. I ended up in A&E and got pain relief and was told to return today to the EPU to check over everything as it may just be a bleed from hemotoma. I asked what my hcg levels were and was told it was 3900, I thought it was on the low side but maybe I’d still be okay. This morning on getting up the pain and bleeding sub sided and I really started to get some hope that the hemotoma had bleed out. But I was wrong within a couple of hours I felt something come away and went to the toilet and found the intact gestational sac with the big hemotoma stuck to the side of it on my pad. I rang the EPU and they told me to come to my appointment anyway for a scan to make sure but there was no doubting it. I attended and brought the baby and every else with me in a Tupperware box and had an internal scan which revealed everything was in fact gone. I asked what I should do with the baby and was told they would take it but it would be classed as medical waste. She advised me to take it home if I wished and that’s what I did. So now I’m sitting here now in bed completely overcome with such a feeling of grief and I’m totally exhausted. Just 48hrs ago my baby was safe inside me with a wonderful little heartbeat and now she’s in my freezer I don’t know what to do. I’m still sore at times and bleeding off and on. My boobs still hurt and every movement makes me cry when I feel it. It has hit me so hard and I don’t know how quite to cope with the overwhelming feeling of guilt and absolute failure. I’m sorry for the long post but I just needed to get it out I feel so alone in my thoughts tonight I’m completely crushed x
Today I lost my baby at nearly 8 weeks and it has been a really traumatic experience for me. This isn’t my first loss I had four miscarriages when I was younger from the age of 21 to 23 just before I got married and couldn’t get pregnant again naturally after my husband suffered an injury in a car accident resulting in male antisperm antibodies. We finally had ICSI after trying for nearly 6 years and had beautiful boy and girl twins. Our chances of conceiving naturally are literally slim to none so I was more than content with what I had.......... and then bam I was pregnant, I was in absolute disbelief. I struggled with the idea at first as I had become so resigned to the fact that it wouldn’t never happen. But once I settle in to it I was beyond excited. This was the first pregnancy were I felt I had everything good in my life and I could feel excited and not be driven by fear like the rest always being overshadowed by other emotions. I already had a successful pregnancy so really thought this would be the same. I had a private scan booked on Friday and it was great everything looked great other than that baby was measuring a bit behind but strong heartbeat of 124. Fast forward to Saturday and I woke up and I was spotting. As I had a scan privately the day before I decided to wait it out and then I got red blood, I rang the hospital and was told I couldn’t come to the EPU as I had an appointment this Thursday so I was told to wait. But I needed to know everything was okay so off I went again privately and saw babies heartbeat was okay everything as it should be but the only thing different was a sub chorionic hematoma was present on the anterior of the sac. I came home and I just felt not right and within an hour I had some more spotting but I thought it was just the hemotoma. Getting up on Sunday I just knew things were starting to happen and by 11am I started bleeding really heavily and had the most horrendous pain. I ended up in A&E and got pain relief and was told to return today to the EPU to check over everything as it may just be a bleed from hemotoma. I asked what my hcg levels were and was told it was 3900, I thought it was on the low side but maybe I’d still be okay. This morning on getting up the pain and bleeding sub sided and I really started to get some hope that the hemotoma had bleed out. But I was wrong within a couple of hours I felt something come away and went to the toilet and found the intact gestational sac with the big hemotoma stuck to the side of it on my pad. I rang the EPU and they told me to come to my appointment anyway for a scan to make sure but there was no doubting it. I attended and brought the baby and every else with me in a Tupperware box and had an internal scan which revealed everything was in fact gone. I asked what I should do with the baby and was told they would take it but it would be classed as medical waste. She advised me to take it home if I wished and that’s what I did. So now I’m sitting here now in bed completely overcome with such a feeling of grief and I’m totally exhausted. Just 48hrs ago my baby was safe inside me with a wonderful little heartbeat and now she’s in my freezer I don’t know what to do. I’m still sore at times and bleeding off and on. My boobs still hurt and every movement makes me cry when I feel it. It has hit me so hard and I don’t know how quite to cope with the overwhelming feeling of guilt and absolute failure. I’m sorry for the long post but I just needed to get it out I feel so alone in my thoughts tonight I’m completely crushed x