Just so overwhelmed.

[AJCart]

I'm not sure what I am hoping to get out of this other than just somewhere to actually put in to words all the horrible feelings and thoughts I'm having.

For the last couple of months things have been spiralling out of control for me. I'm so far in a hole I can't even figure out how I'm supposed to begin to get myself out. I wake up every day thinking, that's it, today you pull yourself together and stop being so damn stupid and ungrateful. By the end of the day I'm a wreck all over again.

I find myself thinking several times a day how my husband and my beautiful little girl deserve so much better than me. I feel like I'm being selfish for wanting to be a part of their lives because they could be so much happier without me. I'm terrified that one day DH is going to get sick of me and take Roxy and leave.

I feel like I have failed Roxy in so many ways. From the way she was born, not being able to breastfeed her, losing my cool and raising my voice at her when she just wants me to help her. I feel like the worst mother in the world and I just can't shake it.

DH has made a doctor's appointment for me on Monday, but I don't know how I'm meant to tell anybody all of this in person. What is a doctor going to think of me? I'm just so lost.

 

[pinklizzy]

I think a doctors appointment is a great place to start hun, I'm sure they will be able to help you start to feel better. In terms of being able to talk to them, it might be worth printing out what you've written here or even writing a more detailed letter that you can give them to read at the appt?
You haven't failed at all, just need a bit of a hand up out of the hole

 

[Krissykat1006]

A doctor is not going to think any less of you at all. They are there to help you and they will Feeling like a failure is very normal, I'm sure at some point everyone has thought they screwed up somewhere. I had planned to BF my daughter, and I did for 5 days then I got hit hard with postnatal anxiety and had to take Xanax to get me through the weekend till my Dr's appointment. during that time I was just pumping and dumping and giving her formula. My anxiety was so outta hand that my Doctor told me I had two choices. I could try and fight it out myself with no meds so I could BF or we could get me set up on something to help me out and I wouldn't be able to BF. I ended up choosing to get on something to help me out cause the bigger picture was I needed to be mentally healthy for my family. I cried two straight days that I was no longer able to BF...I felt like a complete failure to her and I really beat myself up over it. I've been on my medication for 4 weeks now. I am feeling much better and I am able to look at the situation and not feel like I failed her. Sometimes things happen that are out of our hands. It doesn't mean we have failed anyone, just means things are bigger than we are and sometimes we need help to realize that.

I hope you and your doctor find something that works for you. I know you may feel like the way you feel will never go away. I promise you it will. You will start feeling like you again, you just need a helping hand to get there.

 

[Maxy1]

Seeing a dr is the best thing you can do and you should be totally honest with them. I struggled through with my first and I lost my cool and felt like a terrible parent and my DH was so much better than I was at keeping his cool. It was hard and it hurts to say cos I loved DS so much but I didn't truly feel bonded until I started my anti depressants a year and a half later and I could be a truly happy parent. Other parents would tell me about their kids being the best thing that ever happened to them and despite loving DS more than I ever loved anything or anyone else, I didn't feel like that til the meds.

With DD I started earlier at 6 weeks pp, and it has been much better. Now I feel bad that I didn't start it earlier with DS.

I BF both of my kids while on meds(just for those readers who are still BFing and want to seek help too)

 

[Beneli]

I'm also currently dealing with postpartum anxiety...trust me that no one is thinking less of you at this time! Your doctor will be relieved that you recognized this very common issue and are ready to tackle it head-on! Currently the dr. gave me some Ativan to get through any rough patches but if that doesn't work I'll look to get onto Wellbutrin or something like it. I'm also BF'ing and plan to do so on the meds.

 

[Krissykat1006]

I'm also currently dealing with postpartum anxiety...trust me that no one is thinking less of you at this time! Your doctor will be relieved that you recognized this very common issue and are ready to tackle it head-on! Currently the dr. gave me some Ativan to get through any rough patches but if that doesn't work I'll look to get onto Wellbutrin or something like it. I'm also BF'ing and plan to do so on the meds.

I use Wellbutrin for my post natal anxiety, its been working good so far. I haven't had a panic attack in a month and I am very less anxious nowadays.

 

[Beneli]

How long did it take for you to notice a difference?

 

[Krissykat1006]

By the 2nd week my anxiety had gotten better. I'm on week 4 right now and I honestly feel 90% like me again... every now and then a little of the derealization hits me but I'm able to focus out of it.

 

[JoJoB]

Also suffering anxiety here. Thought it was simple baby blues as I was crying for no reason. Ended up turning into knots in my tummy at the thought of being on my own with lo. I went to the Docs on Monday and have started on sertraline. Hopefully will feel better once they kickn in. Dont feel ashamed to admit you need help x

 

[AJCart]

Thank you for your support ladies. It is very appreciated.

DH and I had a bit of a moment the other night as he said he feels like he's jumping up and down screaming "let me help" and I keep saying no. I feel like all I have done lately is say "I can't do it" and he's doing everything. I spend half my days cleaning ridiculous things because he has taken over taking care of Roxy and I know if I stop for even a second that I'm going to fall apart. He keeps telling me to relax but I honestly don't know how anymore. I'm so tightly wound all the time.

I hate this. The first few months I was doing so well. Enjoying every minute of my new life. Now I can't remember the last time I went a full day without sobbing. I love my little girl so much, it shouldn't be like this.

 

[JoJoB]

Please please go see your doctor. No one will think any less of you. Both my health visotor and doctor said that the amount of people who go through this with out help is crazy. I just told myself that if I wasn't going to go to my doctor for myself then I was going to go for my little boy. Think my tablets are slowly working as had a good day today x

 

[AJCart]

I went to my GP a few days back and have been referred to a psychiatrist as well as started on anti-depressants. Psychiatrist can't see me until the 20th of August. The pills make me so damn sleepy. Hoping once they start doing what they're designed to do that will ease up a bit. I hope.

Just trying to make it through each day at the moment.

 

[Melly Belly]

i could have written your first post pretty much...i was ok for a few days after we got home from the hospital, but then i was getting frustrated as she wouldnt latch on, and would just break my heart screaming..so we decided to supplement and pump, but it turned into mostly the supplementation formula, so we went to regular formula...i felt like the worst failure, add the sleep deprivation on top of that, i was telling my husband that i couldnt take it, i needed him to come help me, to take her , etc...when i talked to my ob i just burst into tears and she put me on a low dose of Lexapro, and it has made such a difference...i stopped pumping as the medication i take for my narcolepsy does transfer in breastmilk and definitely wouldnt be good for her, so formula it is...so now hubby can help with feedings, hooray! if your medication isnt working for you, definitely ask if there is another one, some work better for certain people and not for others, so it doesnt hurt to ask...