Just wish that OH would come to terms with things...I'm bloody due tomorrow

[rwhite]

Sorry for a potentially confusing title to the thread. This has been bothering me half the day...

To give a bit of background - this little boy who is due tomorrow was a birth control 'oopsie'. OH never wanted kids at this age (even though he's 22, so he's not as young as he could be IYKWIM). He always wanted to start a family at age 30, so in a way this surprise baby was a blessing for me because I had always wanted children young - as a personal choice I would never dream of starting a family at 30 as that to me seems very late in life to have a first child - not trying to offend anybody at all!! Just not something I would want for myself.

Whenever I've been in a relationship with somebody, and it's been sexual, I've laid out the ground rules from day one - and those are that if I became pregnant that termination would not be an option. They can either lump it or leave it but I will not get rid of my own baby. I don't have a problem at all with anybody else terminating for their own reasons, but I could never live with the guilt.

OH knew this from way back... and he was reminded of it from the week prior to my because obviously we had a discussion about the whole pregnancy thing as I'd missed my period. His views then were that he was adamant I would have an abortion, to which I said "No, if you don't want this baby or to be part of its life then you leave, and I'm quite happy to bring it up on my own". He did not have to stay with me and the baby, but he chose to. Obviously a week later I got my and he tried again to convince me to terminate...and was again greeted with the same response I gave him last time. I figured it's fair enough - I was giving him a way out if he absolutely did not want this baby because I definitely did.

Also, when the gender scan was impending he kept saying things like "This better at least be a boy because I never even wanted this baby in the first place". Hmm...great.

So anyway, back to the present (and well done if you're still reading through my rambles and tangents! )... Last night I was laying in bed trying desperately to get to sleep. It's uncomfy at the moment, as I'm sure a lot of you girls on here can sympathize with, so it was taking me awhile. OH called his dad to catch up. Now, I heard him say that I was asleep so obviously he didn't think so censor himself at all. But the conversation started going down a road I'm a little upset about

I really do not know what was said by his father, and to be honest I don't think it could have been that bad because he's quite a nice guy but next thing I hear is OH negating something and saying it was never an option. So, being the nosy cow I am, strained my ears to hear what was being said. I heard him say something like "No, I've never wanted this baby. When she got pregnant she told me it was never an option to get rid of it. I know--I tried. Oh well, it's too late now isn't it" etc etc. Had it been worded differently, I would perhaps have just assumed he means that he didn't want the baby...but the truth of the matter is that he will admit to me that he's not excited about the birth of his son. And often when I mention things about the baby he zones out.

Who knows! I may go on about the baby, as his arrival is imminent but c'monnn Why can he not just tell he he's unhappy about it, instead of me having to overhear that conversation. It really broke my heart

DAYS before his son is due...he feels next to nothing. I'm wondering whether I should mention to him that I've overheard him say that, and try to encourage him to talk...or just wait until his child is born and I likely see him melt at the sight of his baby son and then ask if he still wishes that the baby was dead...

Sorry for the epic essay girls...I just really needed to get it off my chest. I don't know what to do or really what will happen from here if he is feeling like this at this stage of the pregnancy. It really wowed me. Sure, I know it took him a good almost a month to get his head around the fact that he was going to be a dad and (I thought, but this obviously wasn't true) look forward to it, but to be still feeling this way after the whole almost ten months...

That's all I have to say really. I will update if I end up speaking to him about it, but a spiteful part of me really does want to just needle him with it after the birth. Then again I most likely will be so in love with little man (and possibly so will he) that I will be unable to mention anything quite so horrible.

Just wanted to add - my OH, aside from this, is one of the sweetest guys I know. Very caring and normally very supportive. Hence why this is upsetting me so much

x

Updated..

I texted him telling him I was sad, and he asked me why. My reply was "I heard you tell your dad that you've never wanted him Damn near breaks my heart to hear that"

So he called me pretty much straight after.

He sounded quite sheepish at first, and attempted to make other conversation. Then asked what I'd heard him say, and so I told him. He says he didn't mean it to sound like it did - said that he didn't want baby for maybe the first few months of the pregnancy (as I suspected), and said that we should keep him only because he didn't want to lose me. But says that now he does want the baby and that he's going to support me right through.

I can't help thinking like there's something he's not saying. I'm pleased to hear that he didn't mean what he said to his dad to come out the way it did, but I'm still a little concerned. I made sure I asked him if he thought he would still want the baby and be attentive to him once he's born and he said he will.

Maybe I was reacting over nothing. But I know what I heard. So it was just a case of crossed wires...really relieved if he is telling the whole truth about this.

Still some warning bells there because he doesn't want to buy LO anything, e.g a little teddy or a piece of clothing, nothing. Won't even pick anything out. But maybe that's to do with the males being visual creatures, and him wanting to meet his son first

Thanks for all the hugs and the advice girls, I don't know where I'd be without you all I've met some lovely and wonderful ladies on this website xxxx

 

[nikkia08]

Aww hun dont have any advice as im a single mummy with my 2nd on the way so no OH to worry about but just wanted to send you some .... Im sure he will forget about all the negative feelings hes had towards wee man once hes here! It really is such an amazing thing to be a parent! All the best xx

 

[LogansMama]

Wow. Thats tough. I hope you are right and that he does melt at the sight of his son... but I want to warn you that there is a very real chance you may not see that.

From my own experience - DH and I TRIED to get preg with #1, but it was more me than him - more like he did it FOR me. He was a nervous wreck the whole time, never as excited as me, the whole thing. When DS was born he was very distant. He was not nearly as infatuated with him as I was. I think as a mom - you will fall head over heels the second you see him, but even the most excited dads seem to take longer to fall in love with the little ones! I really don't think my dh truly bonded with ds until he was several months old. At first he was just too afraid of him!

So anyhow - everyone is different, but just keep in mind, that it may take some time for him to come around! I wish you the best of luck though. And yes - I do think you should talk to him about it... tell him what you overheard and how sad it makes you... see what he has to say.

 

[rwhite]

Aww hun dont have any advice as im a single mummy with my 2nd on the way so no OH to worry about but just wanted to send you some .... Im sure he will forget about all the negative feelings hes had towards wee man once hes here! It really is such an amazing thing to be a parent! All the best xx

That's lovely, I really appreciate your kind words xx All the best with your new LO when they arrive!

Wow. Thats tough. I hope you are right and that he does melt at the sight of his son... but I want to warn you that there is a very real chance you may not see that.

From my own experience - DH and I TRIED to get preg with #1, but it was more me than him - more like he did it FOR me. He was a nervous wreck the whole time, never as excited as me, the whole thing. When DS was born he was very distant. He was not nearly as infatuated with him as I was. I think as a mom - you will fall head over heels the second you see him, but even the most excited dads seem to take longer to fall in love with the little ones! I really don't think my dh truly bonded with ds until he was several months old. At first he was just too afraid of him!

So anyhow - everyone is different, but just keep in mind, that it may take some time for him to come around! I wish you the best of luck though. And yes - I do think you should talk to him about it... tell him what you overheard and how sad it makes you... see what he has to say.

That's what I'm concerned about That I won't see a change in his feelings towards his baby. He's also been really odd and keeps muttering that he bets it isn't his (just let me note, there's absolutely no reason he should believe it's not! He's just being paranoid) so maybe once he sees that the baby looks like him it will help the situation as well.

I've just messaged him and attempted to start the conversation so hopefully I will have some answers soon. I'm hoping I somehow have the wrong end of the stick here

I'm sorry to hear you had such a hard time with your DH when your DS was born It must have made things quite difficult for you I hope things are better this time around, now that he's used to idea of having children.

x

 

[Angellicaa]

Wow, I really feel for you!...

I just want to say that once he sees the baby and holds the baby things may change and he may 'fall in love' with the son that he helped create.....

I would wait until the time comes when he can see the baby face to face~*

Good Luck! Wishing you the BEST!!!!

 

[Tashry]

Oh my goodness - I just want to give you a big hug! I wish I had some good advice for you, but I'm not too sure what I would do in your situation. I do think that you two really do need to have a good talk, but I would have said that should have happened months ago. Now that baby is due anytime maybe the best thing is just to see what happens once he is born. He may just melt and be ready to step into the daddy role. But prepare yourself for any reaction, because he may feel very overwhelmed and still need a while to adjust.
I really hope the best for you - and congrats! How exciting that your little boy will be here any day!

 

[happymamma]

Wow, that's really something you didn't need to hear right now! Im sure you've heard the saying before, how mothers fall in love once we see the bfp, and dads fall in love once they see their baby and hold them for the first time. They can't make the connection we do, since it's our bodies they;re growing in. Some dads do get attatched right away, and I envy that lol. Even my oh doesnt have any connection until the birth which is when the tears start pouring down his face. You never know how your oh will react once he sees his son for the first time. But, going by what you said, how he's a really sweet guy and all, I would bet that his heart will explode with love. Its also hard to not give him crap after, and remind him of how he felt before, cuz thats just the average man. They cant love something they dont know. Sorry if my words arent coming out right, I think I have the worse pg brain atm.
I hope the best for you! xxx

 

[1st_timer]

Oh hun - I am so sorry that you had to hear that. It must have been really hard and I would have been so upset.

I think you did absolutely the right thing to confront him about it and get it out in the open - otherwise it may have driven the two of you apart. I don't have any experience of what you are going through but a friend of mine recently had her baby. My DH and her OH are friends and on several occasions my friends OH had made it quite clear to my DH he didn't want the baby that they were about to have - it wasn't in his life plan. He already had two children from his previous marriage and that was all he wanted.

However, he supported my friend because he wanted to make her happy. Since their little one arrived he has been totally besotted and adores the baby. As a couple they have had a few promblems - he still goes out quite a bit partly because his work demands it but also because he likes a drink and it's caused problems. After the birth try and make sure that you and your OH keep talking and make some plans to spend some time together just the two of you where you focus on being yourselves.

22 is pretty young especially by guy standards - he's probably terrified that his life is going to end and he won't have done the things he wants to. Try talking to him to work out if there are things he REALLY wants to do and see if you can work out a compromise so you can do them together as a family. For example, I haven't ever been travelling and appreciate that now I am having a baby I'm ulikely to go backpacking for 6 months but my DH has said that we can still visit the places I want to see - it's not the same but having a baby is about compromise and remember that while it's important to create an stable loving environment for your child to grow up in, the most rounded children are those that fit into their parents lives rather than the children who become the sole focus of their parents life.

Good luck hun and big hugs

xxx

 

[littlestar]

not everyone's life plans works out the way they want honey!
you have a very precious gift to share together.

my hubby still didn't get the whole baby thing till he was here, and now he's totally in love with him (took about 10 weeks - when he started smiling etc)

 

[Kitty23]

Oh poppet bless you that must have been horrible to hear. I am sure though when he see's his son all this will change he's probably just very very scared right now, and men are odd creatures at the best of times. When he holds the baby it will all be real for him good luck xxx

 

[lynnikins]

aww hun, its good thank you guys have talked about it now just take it one day at a time when baby comes and dont expect alot out of him right away as he probably wont be prepared for the feelings he gets towards you and towards the baby in the early days and may well be quite beside himself,
My DH was only 21 when DS was born and if he didnt have younger half siblings i know he would have been a bit lost at first but hes a great dad now and our DS adores him to the point i feel like i come second to his dad in his eyes lol

 

[saturn73]

Big hugs! This must be so hard for you to deal with right now. I really do hope he comes around eventually, but bear in mind it could take some time. Although I didn't have these problems with my DH, he still zones out and acts pretty uninterested in my pregnancies or talking about the baby. But he is a great dad, and loves his boys to the end of the world and back again. Men sometimes take a while to warm up to their babies, but take solace in knowing that most of them do! It also helps when they're bigger and more able to play/wrestle around with their dads.

Good luck. And you're due today, lucky girl!

How you feeling? Any sign of labour?

 

[girl friday]

Oh hun glad you spoke to your OH and told him what you heard. I hope you are feeling better now.


x

 

[AshleyKeil]

I could never imagine being in your situation. I always wanted to get married and have babies young. I got married at 18 and found out I was pregnant 5 days later. But when I found out I cried and cried because I was scared. My husband was happy dancing around the apartment. The way I see it after reading that is maybe he is just scared too. I love my daughter more then the world and couldnt imagine life any other way.. I bet once he holds his son for the first time he will feel that way too. Seeing a man hold his child for the first time is the most amazing thing. Our best friends just had a baby 3 months ago and seeing him hold his daughter was a miracle to me. all this pain and pregnancy stuff that i am going thru right now is going to all be worth it when i see my hubby holding our daughter he will come around! I know it!!

 

[emmad339]

hi hun - sorry to hear that your partner is being unsupportive and un-enthusiastic about the pregnancy. I honestly think that it's just the way that some men are programmed though. My partner was exactly the same before our twinnies arrives. He never bought them anything and never wanted to discuss anything. However, as soon as they arrived and they were something that he could actually see and touch, he fell in love with them immediately and changed his attitude straight away - so i really hope that things work out for you xxx

 

[Boudica]

The update sounds much more positive. Its a shame you had to hear what you heard, and in a way its a shame for your OH too that you heard it, because if what you say about him is true, one thing is certain.....

....He will love and support his baby forever and be thrilled and smitten as soon as he meets him. He will want to forget that he ever felt differently.

Best wishes xx

 

[Missy86]

As the others have said men are visual creatures, My Oh is excited but bless him he cant really relate till he sees something like a scan and then gets excited other wise I dont get much out of him plus he is worried bout the whole birth thing, maybe your Oh is too.

 

[Bee26]

Hey hun only just seen your thread...Im really sorry your having to go through this. Like yours our baby was unplanned and it can be a big thing for us all to get our heads round...all I can say is wait till little mans here....I bet your OH will melt and fall totally in love. Hes probably really scared as it didnt fall into hi s'plan' of how things were going to go...if when your baby is here he doest step up and you feel that you and LO would be better going it alone then thats a bridge to cross if and when you come to it. Good Luck hun...hugs xxx

 

[rwhite]

Thank you everybody
Everybody on here is so sweet, you have no idea how much I appreciate your replies.

He was very apologetic and cuddly last night, so I think he's scared himself a little bit and is possibly reassessing how he feels about things. I just need to remember to give him space to come to terms with things when baby comes. It will be very interesting to see how he takes to being a dad, and I'll try and update you all when the time comes to let you know how he reacts when bubs is brought into the world. He might do a complete 360, but I really am prepared for anything.

It's been really interesting to hear how other peoples partners have been about their pregnancies - it's a scary deal for us ladies too isn't it, when it comes down to it. I can't imagine what it will be like to have a little person depending on me but I'll tell you one thing...I can't wait

Big hugs! This must be so hard for you to deal with right now. I really do hope he comes around eventually, but bear in mind it could take some time. Although I didn't have these problems with my DH, he still zones out and acts pretty uninterested in my pregnancies or talking about the baby. But he is a great dad, and loves his boys to the end of the world and back again. Men sometimes take a while to warm up to their babies, but take solace in knowing that most of them do! It also helps when they're bigger and more able to play/wrestle around with their dads.

Good luck. And you're due today, lucky girl!

How you feeling? Any sign of labour?

Thanks hun x It sounds like your DH is a visual kinda guy like quite a few men. I think actually I've even heard Tom say that he's visual. So will be interesting to see!! And I've told him I think he'll be overwhelmed and have a little cry

No signs of labour so far sadly! It was actually little man's original EDD on the 14th, today is his revised one...but I suppose he'll come out eventually and for now this gives me a chance to just have some lazy days where I don't have a whole lot of responsibility (though I'm chomping at the bit right now and can't sit still for the life of me ).

 

[LulaBug]

The thing with men is, when it comes to babies, because they're not the ones going through the pregnancy, it's hard to feel attached to something they can't feel.
Even going for the scans, it doesn't always feel real until that moment the baby is out of you and "there".

I really hope once your little guy comes, there'll be that connection between father and son, but even if there isn't, you will be a great mum and support him the best way you can even if you have to do it alone. xxx