Lack of intimacy & dtd

[Jax41]

Briss, how you doing lovely? Thinking about you tonnes xXx

We did it! It only took 3 hours to warm him up but in the end the 10 min of heaven was worth it, I was standing on my head (almost) for 20 min after that and then fell asleep. I know that our chances are probably non existent because of DH's aggressive running this month (which he now agreed to quit – in exchange for me not watching any TV, no idea why it irritates him so much but it's a small price to pay) but I wont be able to cope with TWW when I know for sure I have no hope, even the slightest hope for a miracle will keep me going.

Yay! Wow, you are amazing Briss doing the warm up for 3 hours... Great news too that DH is going to quit the running and yes small price (but a weird one ) to pay - what will you do without EastEnders??? When is he doing the next SA?

You don't know for sure that you have no hope, you've had sex so there is hope hun! No sex = no hope and God I've had fair few of those cycles in my time

May I ask you sommit, if it's too much tell me to butt out....have you ever had a BFP in the years that you've been trying?

 

[Juniperjules]

Just wrote this in another thread... but feels more @ home on this thread...

was very moody & irritable today.. No idea if its due to a nasty case of PMS or simply due to negative thinking about AF coming (bcos even though i might slightly symptom spot... my brain cant get itself around the thought that i could ever actually get pregnant!)... or perhaps a looming bfp! ....

Would love it to be the latter.. But either way.. My OH copped a mouthful from me earlier today! Yikes!! More than likely PMS. I'm seriously a feral sometimes thanks to PMS. Am an angel the rest of the month ; )

 

[Briss]

Jax, I have no idea why my DH is so against TV, after stressing out at work for some 12-15 hours I do need to watch something (anything really) that can take my mind off things before I can go to bed. I guess he needed a sacrifice from me of some sort (as if I have not sacrificed enough!). I've never even had a sniff of BFP with my DH but I was pregnant once in my 20th before I met my DH and it did not end well, it was not planned …sad story but I guess I am paying now for not accepting this "gift" (from some jerk) back then. Somehow I did not have any EWCM yesterday, just watery but today I have plenty. in the ideal world we would need to BD today as well but something tells me this is out of question…

Juniper, if you are at the end of your cycle it's understandable, I think nearing the end of TWW is the most stressful time

 

[viccat]

If it's any consolation my DH manages far better in the mornings, evenings he can do it, he also can't be bothered

Hi Jax - my OH is better in the mornings too. He is naturally a morning person anyway, so it makes sense. I'm sure I've read somewhere though that mornings are better for DTD generally.

I know that our chances are probably non existent because of DH's aggressive running this month (which he now agreed to quit – in exchange for me not watching any TV, no idea why it irritates him so much but it's a small price to pay) but I wont be able to cope with TWW when I know for sure I have no hope, even the slightest hope for a miracle will keep me going.

Yay Briss - you DTD!

Is your DH a naturally quiet/introverted person? I ask because I am, and I sometimes struggle with the TV, especially early in the day, or when I want to read. I cannot wait to buy a house, because I can finally create a quiet comfy space away from the TV. My OH uses the TV to wind down too...

 

[viccat]

Jax, I have no idea why my DH is so against TV, after stressing out at work for some 12-15 hours I do need to watch something (anything really) that can take my mind off things before I can go to bed. I guess he needed a sacrifice from me of some sort (as if I have not sacrificed enough!). I've never even had a sniff of BFP with my DH but I was pregnant once in my 20th before I met my DH and it did not end well, it was not planned …sad story but I guess I am paying now for not accepting this "gift" (from some jerk) back then. Somehow I did not have any EWCM yesterday, just watery but today I have plenty. in the ideal world we would need to BD today as well but something tells me this is out of question…

I am struggling to find the right words, but just wanted to say Briss that you are not alone. I had a tough decision to make in my 20s too, with someone I knew would make a rubbish father, never mind partner.

 

[Juniperjules]

If it's any consolation my DH manages far better in the mornings, evenings he can do it, he also can't be bothered

Hi Jax - my OH is better in the mornings too. He is naturally a morning person anyway, so it makes sense. I'm sure I've read somewhere though that mornings are better for DTD generally.

I know that our chances are probably non existent because of DH's aggressive running this month (which he now agreed to quit – in exchange for me not watching any TV, no idea why it irritates him so much but it's a small price to pay) but I wont be able to cope with TWW when I know for sure I have no hope, even the slightest hope for a miracle will keep me going.

Yay Briss - you DTD!

Is your DH a naturally quiet/introverted person? I ask because I am, and I sometimes struggle with the TV, especially early in the day, or when I want to read. I cannot wait to buy a house, because I can finally create a quiet comfy space away from the TV. My OH uses the TV to wind down too...

My OH isn't a TV fan either I have to say. Only TV he'll really watch is the news & anything related to music (he's a musician). Only time we ever really regularly watch tv together is when The Voice or X-Factor or something like that is on!!! & mostly so he can say how crap most of the singers are!! : ) or watching documentary type shows. He likes movies though, & just bought a 3D tv recently so we've been watching movies almost every second nite. But like your OH Briss, he's not a fan of tv.

Occasionally ill stick the telly on & go to make a coffee, he'll then walk into the room & Dr Phil will be on (which will have been a total coincidence I might add), & he'll be like 'oh god, bloody dr Phil I can't stand that guy- why do you watch this rubbish tv??'... And I'll be innocently making the coffee with no idea that the good doctor was even on the telly!!! He'd just rather be doing anything than watching TV- he says most stuff on TV is boring. So your not alone there Briss.. I don't mind TV myself, mostly for stuff like mini series ie downtown abbey, call the midwife that sort of thing.

AFM... I actually got some non- babymaking action this morning.. Well, 11am so late morning! And I didn't have to beg! OH was still half asleep (late nite recording a band) so he didn't actually finish himself.. Which I'm not ecstatic about, but he was quite happy with himself that he'd 'sorted' me out iykwim?? So I didn't want to burst the bubble & harp on the him not finishing bit... Am still keeping to my 'no nagging for sex' rule & going on about him not finishing would've turned him making an effort into me whining 'again'.. So for now ill be content that he wanted to have sex at all.

 

[Briss]

Viccat, yes you are right my DH is introvert (but so am I actually) so maybe he is finding TV difficult after all day's work, never occurred to me. Thanks for pointing this out!

Juniper, thanks! I agree encouragement is very important and sometime you have to lose a battle to win the war so you did the right thing although I can imagine how hard it must be. We have unfinished BD sessions from time to time. it's disappointing but i can see that he tried his best. I cant say I love TV but it has some therapeutic qualities in that sense it's like tranquilizers I mean I switch it on and my mind just goes blank - it's a good thing (not always but at the moment) because I do not think about how bad things are at the moment, how deeply unhappy I am, my worries about our future stay back - basically I switch off. in that sense I am not picky and I do not really care what I watch as long as it's not something terribly boring that cant divert my attention and makes me start thinking about my life again. but if it's that annoying to my DH, I can find a different outlet.

actually no TV seems to be working wonders on my DH, last night I told him that I got EWCM (he was laughing a lot cos he does not have a clue what this means) and that I had ovulation pains in my right ovary in the afternoon and think that my egg is being released. he asked whether that was too late for BD (it's never too late for BD if you ask me!) I said it depends on how fast his swimmers are and maybe it's perfect time. He said he will try!! it took a couple of attempts but we got there in the end!!! I so gave up on this cycle that i did not even increase his arginine intake - he did it all by himself! miracles do happen

 

[Juniperjules]

Viccat, yes you are right my DH is introvert (but so am I actually) so maybe he is finding TV difficult after all day's work, never occurred to me. Thanks for pointing this out!

Juniper, thanks! I agree encouragement is very important and sometime you have to lose a battle to win the war so you did the right thing although I can imagine how hard it must be. We have unfinished BD sessions from time to time. it's disappointing but i can see that he tried his best. I cant say I love TV but it has some therapeutic qualities in that sense it's like tranquilizers I mean I switch it on and my mind just goes blank - it's a good thing (not always but at the moment) because I do not think about how bad things are at the moment, how deeply unhappy I am, my worries about our future stay back - basically I switch off. in that sense I am not picky and I do not really care what I watch as long as it's not something terribly boring that cant divert my attention and makes me start thinking about my life again. but if it's that annoying to my DH, I can find a different outlet.

actually no TV seems to be working wonders on my DH, last night I told him that I got EWCM (he was laughing a lot cos he does not have a clue what this means) and that I had ovulation pains in my right ovary in the afternoon and think that my egg is being released. he asked whether that was too late for BD (it's never too late for BD if you ask me!) I said it depends on how fast his swimmers are and maybe it's perfect time. He said he will try!! it took a couple of attempts but we got there in the end!!! I so gave up on this cycle that i did not even increase his arginine intake - he did it all by himself! miracles do happen

Oh Briss : ( ... Honey I can hear the pain in the words you wrote. I'm sorry you feel so unhappy & worried about your future. I can feel it too, I've just had probably the worst 12 months of my life. I won't go into why. But I don't know if I could ever feel as sad, depressed, & hopeless as I have done in the past 6-12months. The only time I've come close was when I was grieving for my grandfather when he died.. A terrible terrible time for me.

If you are feeling so low, would u consider seeing a counsellor or psychologist?? I did in the end.. I work in mental health (I'm a nurse) & I had to accept that I don't have all the answers myself- even if I'm good at giving out advice to patients, it's different when it's ur own life. I also worried that by 'seeing someone' it was like acknowledging there was a problem.. Which is scary. But in the end if its causing you some distress then there is a problem. AND, it was the BEST thing I could've done. It made me look at certain things from a different perspective & it gave ME an outlet to express myself & vent & get a subjective opinion back.

Just a thought anyway.. Don't want to sound preachy. I just know wot that hopeless/what does the future hold feeling is like. It's bloody tough.

((((Hugs)))) to you

 

[Briss]

Juniper, thank you. I am going through probably the worst time in my life: I have been grieving for my beloved father for the last 1.5 years (and there is nothing anyone can do anymore and it's going to take me years before I can talk about it, this is the first time I am able even to write about it) and of course the one thing that could have helped me cope with my tragedy is having his grand child but that's where infertility comes in to crash me completely … sometimes I am even surprised I have a will to wake up in the morning. I cant go to counselling because I cant talk about it without falling apart, I completely fall apart even when I think about it. as I said it is going to take years. Unfortunately I am no stranger to losses, I lost my fiancé when I was 20 years old, he was only 28, my first man – I thought my life ended but I recovered in 2 years time and leant how to cope and carry on. 16 years later it still hurts because this is not something that can be cured, it's going to stay for ever you just need to learn to live with it every day. there is no short cut in grieving

just got more bad news, my DH's SA came back as worst ever at 1 million. He did his test before he quit beer so I am hoping we have better sperm now. but FS is pushing for IVF

 

[Juniperjules]

Juniper, thank you. I am going through probably the worst time in my life: I have been grieving for my beloved father for the last 1.5 years (and there is nothing anyone can do anymore and it's going to take me years before I can talk about it, this is the first time I am able even to write about it) and of course the one thing that could have helped me cope with my tragedy is having his grand child but that's where infertility comes in to crash me completely … sometimes I am even surprised I have a will to wake up in the morning. I cant go to counselling because I cant talk about it without falling apart, I completely fall apart even when I think about it. as I said it is going to take years. Unfortunately I am no stranger to losses, I lost my fiancé when I was 20 years old, he was only 28, my first man – I thought my life ended but I recovered in 2 years time and leant how to cope and carry on. 16 years later it still hurts because this is not something that can be cured, it's going to stay for ever you just need to learn to live with it every day. there is no short cut in grieving

just got more bad news, my DH's SA came back as worst ever at 1 million. He did his test before he quit beer so I am hoping we have better sperm now. but FS is pushing for IVF

Sorry to hear about SA results being bad. That sucks. But yes on the positive side at the very least it was while he was still drinking. Do you think the results will shock him into some self caring action? Is it ur DH who was starving himself first & then started running for 10 hours a day?? If so it sounds like he is doing himself some harm. Even if that particular behaviour is recent, it's very extreme -so I'm wondering if that's a regular type of thing? You know engaging in extreme behaviours? He needs to stop punishing his body. Was he trying to lose weight with the not eating & then running?

It sounds like you have been through the ringer, an awful lot of loss in your life. And it takes its toll mentally. everything builds up like bricks building a wall, until eventually all the bricks come tumbling down on top of you & you cant hold it together anymore. And your right about the grief stuff (not that u need me to tell u that!)... Apart from dealing with my own grief more recently, prior to that I witnessed my beautiful mums grief for years & years over the loss of her only sister to breast cancer. She was only 39 when she died, & my mum only 34 at that time. My mum was 8 months pregnant when her sister died. I don't know how she found the strength to keep going. I love my own sister more than life itself.. It still makes me cry when I think what she went thru. We emigrated to the other side of the world a year later. For both financial and emotional reasons, my mum had to get away. And from the age of 8 till easily my early 20's, I know my mum was still deeply grieving her loss. I work with patients often who are maybe depressed or suffering anxiety as a result of a loss of a loved one- & I always tell them that its a very personal journey which is different for everyone, & only time can lessen the pain & intensity.

When I started seeing a psychologist I basically cried for 90% of the time I was with her. It was like Pavlov's dogs!! I'd walk in, sit down & almost start crying before she even had a chance to speak! I felt like an idiot at first. But I realised it was like this huge release.. To be with someone neutral who understood so much of what I was feeling.

Anyway, to say I hope your ok seems a little trite.. Your obviously not ok, but soldiering on thru tough times. Maybe IVF will be the answer for you. My mum had many problems with ttc- 7yrs ttc before I was born, then 4 miscarriages & 8 yrs till my sister came along.. But she (my sister) was the angel my mum needed. Like I said, born a month after my aunt died. I believe in miracles bcos she was our little miracle. I hope you get your miracle too, it sounds like you truly deserve one x

 

[Briss]

Juniper, yes that was my DH, he does go to some extreme, he lost a lot of weight but he did not stop and continued until he got totally skinny and he would not even stop there, I made him stop fasting so he took up running, now I stopped his running so he is complaining every day and may as well come up with something else. I do hope he will change. unfortunately I forgot to ask our FS whether his fasting had any affect on his sperm. that would have helped persuade him to stop it.

I am sorry about your mum's sister, that's a real tragedy when younger people pass away. That's interesting that you mentioned immigration, I immigrated myself when I was 25 and started a new life. the main problem is that I went on my own and my parents stayed so it was also quite hard to be apart, particularly when one parent is very ill.

I only allow myself to give in to grief during my period, after that I know I must be calm and happy to produce a good egg and let my body do what it needs to help this egg implant.

 

[Zeri]

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles, Briss, and you too, Juniperjules. Life can just be so difficult sometimes.... I agree that talking to a counsellor might be a good idea, though. It sounds like there's still a lot of pain inside of you (understandably) from losing your father. Sometimes falling apart and expressing that pain is exactly what's needed - as funny as it sounds. It doesn't feel pretty...it doesn't make you feel strong...but it can help you heal better over the long-term to let it all out now. There's no need to feel composed in a counsellor's chair, either (I'm in mental health too)-they're there to listen and support and help you through. Anyway, HUGS!! I really sympathize with how you're feeling right now.

Sorry about the poor lab results too, but hopefully cutting back on the alcohol would've helped. Could the running have helped too, even though it was extreme? I know exercise is good for testosterone levels.... How do you feel about IVF?

Yayy for the OH's making an effort, though!

Last night I told DH that I didn't like us feeling like roommates...and he offered to BD as well. Only thing was I didn't feel like doing it right then as I was waiting out AF. And I hate being hopeful, BDing and then seeing blood after.

AF seems to be playing with me. She was due either yesterday or today but hasn't shown up yet. I've been having light cramps on and off since yesterday though, and a bit of brown spotting today. So she'll probably be here soon.

 

[Briss]

Zeri, thanks. sorry about AF, I hope it will stay away. I also do not feel like BD just before AF. I am trying to come to terms with the idea of IVF but hopefully we can try IUI first. My DH still does not agree with this so that's going to be another struggle getting him to accept this.

 

[Jax41]

Briss for your 'sad story' in your 20s and for your Daddy... I've never had a chance of a BFP in my life so I can only imagine how you must be feeling to have let that one go, but you had your reasons at the time you can't beat yourself up about it now, please. But I do know what it's like to lose your Dad, mine's been gone just 3 years now and I miss him every day... Zeri's words to you about counselling were lovely, I know you don't want to fall apart but maybe all the stress and grief you're carring and the need to replace the loss with a baby is what's not helping you with TTC? I know how you feel, I've felt the same about wanting to fill the void for me and my Mum with a LO

Tell me, you've prob already said but, why is your DH so against assisted??

And! I HATE BDing just before AF, it always makes her arrival quicker

 

[Zeri]

Yup re: AF arriving after BD. Well she showed her ugly face this morning anyway. 16 dpo! Ugh!!! After not seeing her for 14 and 15 dpo I was getting hopeful.....but so much for that. Thanks for dashing my hopes AF. You really know how to crash a party.

On the bright side, I did get a new script for Clomid last week, after a visit to the gyn. Clomid seems to be the only way I get pregnant, not sure why....so I'm hopeful about trying it again. Just need to make sure DH is on board before I waste another medicated cycle, though.

Jax - is it time to test yet?

 

[Jax41]

Yup re: AF arriving after BD. Well she showed her ugly face this morning anyway. 16 dpo! Ugh!!! After not seeing her for 14 and 15 dpo I was getting hopeful.....but so much for that. Thanks for dashing my hopes AF. You really know how to crash a party.

On the bright side, I did get a new script for Clomid last week, after a visit to the gyn. Clomid seems to be the only way I get pregnant, not sure why....so I'm hopeful about trying it again. Just need to make sure DH is on board before I waste another medicated cycle, though.

Jax - is it time to test yet?

Zeri, good luck on the clomid hun I know what you mean about wasting a cycle, I only got 2 BD's out of the rat this cycle so on that basis I'm not testing. Know how you feel about AF too, I was so sure that we'd cracked it last cycle, so much so that it's prob been my fault that I've only had 2 BD's just really had a can't be ar*ed approach this time round!

Anyway, I''ve got 2 clomid cycles left - PANIC!!!! - why I don't know bc it's not really made an awful lot of difference, well I don't feel it has, no BFP! The FS won't increase the dosage, he says all my levels are fine, I guess I should take that as a but it's left me more convinced that DHs swimmers are really what is letting us down Ahh well...

 

[Briss]

Jax, you made me cry, it's so tough to lose parents, I cry for him every day but I do try to make my mum happy. though a grandchild would have made it easier for her... but that's not the reason we TTC, we started before

I guess my DH is afraid that they are going to pull my body apart with the stimulation, drugs etc and it will be "his fault" because he could not make me pregnant - just my interpretation of what is happening in his head, I might be wrong.

 

[Briss]

Ladies, good luck with your clomid cycles.

I am beginning to give up on natural TTC because with hubby's numbers it's just hopeless, will try and relax a bit until we move to assisted, hopefully by the end of summer

 

[Juniperjules]

AF arrived tonight.. Later than usual but here nonetheless. Am not flipping out.. Am remaining calm & looking forward to FS appt next week. Will be quite happy to have a Doc take the pressure off trying to do home inseminations etc.. Will b crossing my fingers for the next week praying iui is offered quickly! Will be 'just' about to ovulate when we have the appt so I guess anything offered wont happen till maybe June...

Hope everyone else is doing ok??

 

[Briss]

Juniper, I am sorry about AF good luck with your FS appt next week. I hope you will get to IUI very quickly.

What a tough journey this TTC business is, I am exhausted...