Lack of intimacy & dtd

[Briss]

Jax, I am sorry you did not get any BD this weekend. have you considered doing in home insemination sort of thing what I mean it when your DH is too tired for sex but does not mind masturbating – just use this sperm, you can put it in a soft cup or something like that. I was thinking about it myself but it's easier for me to get my Dh to BD than masturbate…

You are right about my DH, I do not mind his self destructive tendencies as long as it does not affect his sperm

 

[Jax41]

Jax, I am sorry you did not get any BD this weekend. have you considered doing in home insemination sort of thing what I mean it when your DH is too tired for sex but does not mind masturbating – just use this sperm, you can put it in a soft cup or something like that. I was thinking about it myself but it's easier for me to get my Dh to BD than masturbate…

You are right about my DH, I do not mind his self destructive tendencies as long as it does not affect his sperm

I haven't done Briss, I think he would feel that I had completely lost the plot if I went down that route I just wish we could have a regular sex life not just time it around O (if I'm lucky) and then nothing else, makes sex feel just like that - sex and nothing more... maybe we're just too long in the tooth for all this...

 

[viccat]

Hi girls, nice to see that the thread has not completely died - I keep looking in on occasion.....

Yes, you're right, Jax, our stories do seem similar! I'm sorry AF got you last cycle. It must really hurt when you know you've done all you can to conceive....but still don't. Hopefully your DH kicking the lager/wine habit will help, though? Did he ever have an S/A done?

Question to all ladies on this board - do your OH's fall asleep on the couch every night? DH is on the couch snoring right now...seems like he's been doing that every night (after dinner) for the last week. I read it's a symptom of low testosterone....wonderful. It totally fits with the low sex drive and weak erections and all though. Ugh... I need to get him some vitamins and make him start exercising... Do any of see any signs of low T in your OH's?

I am pretty convinced my OH has low T, but the only real indicator is not wanting sex much. He doesn't fall asleep in the evenings, but often struggles with lack of energy, and needs more hours sleep each night than me. If anything, I wonder if he is borderline diabetic.

Jax, my DH really wants to repeat his SA cos he is curious whether no beer policy had any effect, I am concerned about his running. it's like he gives up one bad thing only to replace it with another. Running is generally great but he runs for 8-10 hours at a time wearing really tight leggings like pants. he says his bits are hurting if runs in anything else and that these pants are specially designed for men but I am still not convinced.

8-10 hours?!!! Holy mackerel!!!

As for me, well I finally made that first appointment with the doctor. She has referred us straight onto the specialist clinic because of my age. In the meantime, they are going to do the standard blood and sperm tests. OH went for his first appointment today and got the pots to collect samples in. He is a bit quiet about it, but has not complained, and actually seems more cuddly if anything. Fingers crossed it might give him the shove he needs.

I went for my blood tests today, and the blimmin nurse couldn't get any blood out of me!!! I've got to go back, more hydrated, and try again on Weds. It's a different nurse, so hopefully I'll get someone more competent!

Otherwise, we've both joined a gym and are gee'ing eachother along to get fitter. We're both already pretty fit and healthy, which I'm glad for ...... but it means I've got one less possible reason for not conceiving. OH is teetotal, doesn't smoke or do drugs, and walks our dogs at least twice a day. He did however say he had a higher sex drive when he used to weight lift in the past. He was 15 years younger then though, so who knows whether that was the cause?? Actually - thinking about it, I sometimes wonder if he has a low sex drive now because of the previous weight lifting hobby? Like his testosterone now is normal, but feel low to him because it used to be much higher? I reckon it definitely used to be, because he still is a rather bulky hairy manly-looking fella

Anyway, at least I feel like we are actually doing SOMETHING at the moment, instead of us both sticking our heads in the sand, and not even discussing this stuff.

 

[Jax41]

Briss, I got a shag last night!!!! So maybe, just maybe all is not lost this cycle I can live in hope or maybe we should rename it torture for two weeks?

Zeri, this'll make you laugh, DH was home early last night, I mean in before me at 4:45pm, I went and got showered (on a promise ) changed came back downstairs and there he was on the sofa, before dinner Guess he had to get it in sometime

Viccat, so pleased to hear that you and DH have a plan together, that so helps in this crazy TTC business. I'm sure with both of you onside it's bound to happen for you both soon Hope they get some blood tomorrow, keep us posted

 

[lexus15]

Hiya ladies, how is everyone?

Although I haven't posted for a while (felt sorry for myself after receiving blood results from fs..low amh & high fsh) I have been lurking around on a few boards!

My situation with oh is typically the same, if I'm lucky we manage dtd once a month (like last month) & even though he's on supplements to increase sex drive, they're NOT working! We're moving forward with ivf in July (the dr recommended it due to my low amh) & I'm hoping/praying the supplements I'm taking will help improve my egg quality by then

 

[Zeri]

sorry to hear about the low amh, lexus. But ivf sounds like a good plan. Will you keep on trying until then or just wait it out?

viccat - that's great that you're being proactive about things! sounds like your DH is being cooperative too, which helps a lot.

Briss - sorry about AF....

Jax - yayy for a BD session! How was it timed with your ovulation? That's funny about your DH falling asleep before dinner. I think falling asleep or fatigue in general must be a low T sign. Apparently testosterone helps with energy and 'zest for life' or something like that.

AFM - I was telling DH yesterday about a friend of mine who's pregnant with #3. He was like, 'wow, #3..." I said, "Yeah, well they do have sex every night, so it was probably just a matter of time..." He said to me, "Well, YOU can't handle sex every night..." So I nicely reminded him of last week Tuesday, when I practically had to beg him for some BD.... And the fact there's been nothing since then.

Anyhow, thx everyone for chiming in with the low T stories. I'm really starting to wonder how the low T is affecting our chances - we hardly have sex for one thing, and maybe his sperm count is really low as well? I only seem to get pregnant on Clomid... I'm wondering if that means a problem with his egg or my sperm, or both? anyway, I'm going to get some vitamins for DH and encourage him to exercise. Also have a consultation with my gyno on Thurs.

 

[Briss]

Jax, that's great! fingers crossed

Lexux, I am very sorry the supps did not work for your DH. I also have low AMH and high FSH, so is I think probably majority of over 35.

 

[viccat]

Well, today's nurse managed to get blood out of me .... should find out the results next week .....

I didn't even think to ask what they are measuring - the doctor said hormones, so I am guessing maybe FSH / AMH. They didn't ask what point I was at in my cycle, so it must be a more general measure.

The paperwork has arrived for the Fertility Clinic appointment too - which for the better/closer one will be July. We have to co-ordinate diaries, but I'm hoping by the time we reach July we don't need to go!

 

[Juniperjules]

Yes, I guess it's an age-related thing with guys over 40. I hear about it a lot on these boards. Still, maybe it doesn't have to be this way? I don't know if I"m quite ready for an asexual relationship at age 36. I think supplements can definitely help. It's unfortunate your DH doesn't like taking pills, but yes, maca is sold in powder form as well and can be mixed in foods and drinks, like smoothies. I hear the black maca is especially powerful.

I'm thinking of ordering some Horny Goat WEed for DH - from reading about it online it helps a lot with libido, but it also can have a few side effects. I'm hoping he would be willing to take it - something really needs to change for the better.

Hi girls, I just started reading this thread & felt the need to chime in. My OH is 44, 45 in a few months.. Our sex life def took a dip in his 40's. we've been together 18yrs, & it was never as non existent as it has been since his 40s hit. He was the total opposite back in the day...

I put on a fair bit of weight around the same time which didn't help. Like most men he's very visual- might not sound 'PC' when the whole world says 'its wots on the inside that counts'..but I know how I looked for a few years didn't help the cause..

We split up/ had a 'break' for about 5 months, and we are back together now. Having the break made us both realise we needed each other too much to stay apart. He was particularly adamant that he wanted me back. He had said to me a few times previously that he felt like maybe just being together so long had lessened the overt need to have sex. I said that was a crock. But I guess an 18 yr relationship can never compete with the first pangs of lust you feel when u first meet someone.

So we're back together, & he is totally up for BDing around Ov time bcoz he desperately wants us to have a baby. But for the rest of the month, I'm constantly trying to coax him to have sex. Same as some other girls have stated, it's always 'too early, too late, not enough time, something else needs doing' type of thing.. Which then turns me into a paranoid mess!! I annoy the hell out of him asking if he isn't attracted to me?? (have lost all the weight by the way- & look better than I did previously!) or why it is that he always knocks me back?? He always has an answer- he says 'of course I think your sexy, your gorgeous, we'll have sex, just stop talking about it!'...

So eventually I shut up.. Bcos I feel like I'm making such an issue of it... that it's like the elephant in the room & ill make it worse. I guess I'm lucky that he is happy to perform around Ov time.. But still, it gets to me. I guess I'm just thinking that he's right, after 18yrs there's not much mystery even if you do still think your partner is sexy??? I know he loves me more than anyone else in the world & he wants a family with me.. Maybe I should just be satisfied with that? I know relationships change, & it's never going to be like it was, although when we do actually have sex it's still great.. It's just not very often.

I just desperately want to get pregnant bcos it will add some joy & spontaneity to our relationship that we both need. 18yrs of only thinking about ourselves, we need someone else to focus all our love, hopes & worries on! : )

 

[viccat]

Hi girls, I just started reading this thread & felt the need to chime in. My OH is 44, 45 in a few months.. Our sex life def took a dip in his 40's. we've been together 18yrs, & it was never as non existent as it has been since his 40s hit. He was the total opposite back in the day...

I put on a fair bit of weight around the same time which didn't help. Like most men he's very visual- might not sound 'PC' when the whole world says 'its wots on the inside that counts'..but I know how I looked for a few years didn't help the cause..

We split up/ had a 'break' for about 5 months, and we are back together now. Having the break made us both realise we needed each other too much to stay apart. He was particularly adamant that he wanted me back. He had said to me a few times previously that he felt like maybe just being together so long had lessened the overt need to have sex. I said that was a crock. But I guess an 18 yr relationship can never compete with the first pangs of lust you feel when u first meet someone.

So we're back together, & he is totally up for BDing around Ov time bcoz he desperately wants us to have a baby. But for the rest of the month, I'm constantly trying to coax him to have sex. Same as some other girls have stated, it's always 'too early, too late, not enough time, something else needs doing' type of thing.. Which then turns me into a paranoid mess!! I annoy the hell out of him asking if he isn't attracted to me?? (have lost all the weight by the way- & look better than I did previously!) or why it is that he always knocks me back?? He always has an answer- he says 'of course I think your sexy, your gorgeous, we'll have sex, just stop talking about it!'...

So eventually I shut up.. Bcos I feel like I'm making such an issue of it... that it's like the elephant in the room & ill make it worse. I guess I'm lucky that he is happy to perform around Ov time.. But still, it gets to me. I guess I'm just thinking that he's right, after 18yrs there's not much mystery even if you do still think your partner is sexy??? I know he loves me more than anyone else in the world & he wants a family with me.. Maybe I should just be satisfied with that? I know relationships change, & it's never going to be like it was, although when we do actually have sex it's still great.. It's just not very often.

I just desperately want to get pregnant bcos it will add some joy & spontaneity to our relationship that we both need. 18yrs of only thinking about ourselves, we need someone else to focus all our love, hopes & worries on! : )

Hi Juniperjules, I totally understand where you are coming from. I get tired of not being made to feel desirable, and wonder whether this is it for the next 30+ years. It sometimes makes me want to leave, but I love everything else about our relationship (okay, except the untidiness!) and him.

It's a tough one, isn't it? Like you, at least he will dtd around ov time, although I hate hate hate having to ask/pester/demand. It just doesn't feel right somehow!

 

[Zeri]

I think we all can relate, juniperjules! It's great that your OH really wants a baby and is willing to do what it takes, though. That's more than a lot of us on this board can say! I know it's frustrating when you feel like you have to coax him into sex though...and it's hard not to take it personally too.

I wonder if your OH is just experiencing the age-related decline in testosterone thing. It can be common for men in their 40's - some more than others, though. Is he on any supplements or vitamins? I think that can help - if he's willing to take them, that is. I got Horny Goat Weed and Maca for my DH but he takes them on and off. Maca works well for me. DH is into vitamins so now I'm trying to order some vitamins with some herbal stuff in them to see if that'll work.

viccat - did you get your results back?

 

[Briss]

am expecting my PEAk tomorrow, dreading how I am gonna bring it up to my DH and get him to BD...

 

[Juniperjules]

I think we all can relate, juniperjules! It's great that your OH really wants a baby and is willing to do what it takes, though. That's more than a lot of us on this board can say! I know it's frustrating when you feel like you have to coax him into sex though...and it's hard not to take it personally too.

I wonder if your OH is just experiencing the age-related decline in testosterone thing. It can be common for men in their 40's - some more than others, though. Is he on any supplements or vitamins? I think that can help - if he's willing to take them, that is. I got Horny Goat Weed and Maca for my DH but he takes them on and off. Maca works well for me. DH is into vitamins so now I'm trying to order some vitamins with some herbal stuff in them to see if that'll work.

viccat - did you get your results back?

You could be right about the testosterone thing. He's 45 this year so it's possible. I mean he's fit, slim, healthy, but you can't avoid ageing can you! I do give him Menevit which is a male 'pre-natal' basically. And after reading this thread I've looked into the L-arginine. So far I only seem to be able to find it in a powder form?? Capsules would be better. He'll pretty much swallow whatever I hand to him with a glass of water. I tried horny goat weed once.. I didn't tell him wot it was, just gave it to him. But can't say I noticed any difference.

He has moments where I see him get a 'glint' in his eye & I notice him checking me out & little longer than normal or he'll comment on a dress or jeans that he likes..or he'll grab me & allude to the fact that we'll 'get busy' later.. But it always seems to me like unless we have the opportunity to make a move right there & then... The moment is lost! It gets too late, friends come over, he wants us to snuggle up & watch a DVD.. Once the moment passes its gone. And when I try & catch that moment when he appears to be keen, there's always something or other stopping us.

I want to try really hard from this point on NOT to talk about sex so much. Seriously, I was a good little catholic girl : ) I never dreamed that one day I'd be practically hitting him over the head & dragging him into my cave demanding sex!!!! He was ALWAYS the one who initiated, & it was 2-4 times a week. And anywhere, at any time too! He has said to me a few times 'we never used to talk about sex & we did it all the time- so stop talking about it!'.. & I guess maybe I need to think about those words. It does seem like the more negative, begging conversations we have, the worse it is. I suppose it's psychological?? The more you ask a man if there's 'a problem' the more likely it is that a problem might develop?? Bcos suddenly it goes from being a fun thing to being something that your both very conscious of?? Therefore maybe losing the spontaneity & thrill involved??

 

[Jax41]

am expecting my PEAk tomorrow, dreading how I am gonna bring it up to my DH and get him to BD...

Briss Wish I had the magic words to make it happen naturally but I so know where you're coming from, just want you to know you're not alone

 

[Briss]

Jax, thanks! nothing happened in the morning, fingers crossed we will get there in the evening...

 

[Jax41]

I've got everything (and I mean everything here!) Xed for you, c'mon law of averages state that this HAS to happen soon for you

 

[Jax41]

Viccat, I hear you, I'm fed up with feeling undesirable (although I'm told I'm not - then why aren't you jumping my bones then? ) and also wonder if this is it forever....like you sometimes it makes me want to leave too, but then sex isn't absolutely everything is it and if you love everything else about your relationship and are well suited then I guess we can't have it all? Why not! Keep going love, you'll get there

juniperjules, I think it has hard to keep it 'fresh' when you've been together for so long AND esp when you're trying to do it more than you usually would anyway bc of TTC, it ain't easy if only I could turn the clock back 10 years when we were at it like and we couldn't keep our hands off each other!

Zeri, hope you're okay this cycle

 

[Zeri]

Hope you get some BD in tonight, Briss!

It's really hard, isn't it? The feeling undesirable thing. DH and I Bd'ed two weeks ago and I practically had to beg him for it... and there's been absolutely nothing since then. Yup, that makes me feel reallllly attractive and desirable. I did catch him masturbating early on Saturday morning though, when I was getting ready to go to class.... so I know he still has a bit of a drive...but seems like he feels that way in the mornings when I have to get ready for work or something..and in the night he just can't be bothered. Which results in nothing happening at all.

Anyone considered giving their OH's a more powerful testosterone supplement? I was reading about one on Amazon yesterday called Testosterone - All Natural Blend with Tribulus. I couldn't find the ingredients, though - but I suspect it might be a herbal blend of stuff, like Tribulus, L'arginine etc. It got good reviews on Amazon for helping with energy/libido. I think DH could do with something like that - not sure how he would feel about taking it though. I think he might be more minded to take the Vitamin Blend with the herbs in it than something that actually says, "testosteone"... cause then that'll make him feel like he really has a problem, you know? (even know he does, lol)

Jax - how's your tww going?

 

[Jax41]

Hi Zeri, it's going pretty much the same as it always does I keep thinking I'm going to see flashing lights and hula dancers warming up to celebrate my BFP, but not just yet....

If it's any consolation my DH manages far better in the mornings, evenings he can do it, he also can't be bothered

Briss, how you doing lovely? Thinking about you tonnes xXx

 

[Briss]

Briss, how you doing lovely? Thinking about you tonnes xXx

We did it! It only took 3 hours to warm him up but in the end the 10 min of heaven was worth it, I was standing on my head (almost) for 20 min after that and then fell asleep. I know that our chances are probably non existent because of DH's aggressive running this month (which he now agreed to quit – in exchange for me not watching any TV, no idea why it irritates him so much but it's a small price to pay) but I wont be able to cope with TWW when I know for sure I have no hope, even the slightest hope for a miracle will keep me going.