Lack of intimacy & dtd

[nobump]

Not posted here in a while. Looking forward to a week away with hubby next week but timing all wrong. I'm ovulating now dragged hubby of to bed last night and tonight but just not happening. Will try again in morning might still catch the egg. Hopefully things will work out next week. Keep trying to stop myself telling hubby next week doesn't matter because it does but still can't help feeling frustrated.

 

[Juniperjules]

Not posted here in a while. Looking forward to a week away with hubby next week but timing all wrong. I'm ovulating now dragged hubby of to bed last night and tonight but just not happening. Will try again in morning might still catch the egg. Hopefully things will work out next week. Keep trying to stop myself telling hubby next week doesn't matter because it does but still can't help feeling frustrated.

Good luck catching that egg! And your right- a week away together def counts.. And that includes the BDing even if the timing is wrong. I had AF this week & my OH started getting 'frisky' 2 days in a row.. Which lately doesn't happen very often. Both times I had to remind him I had AF and he like like 'still? oh crap I forgot'.... But I was happy just that he'd shown some interest. I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to lay of nagging him for sex & going on about it.. So maybe that's working?? We'll see, I hope it continues..

So enjoy ur week together, and enjoy any intimacy you get regardless of it not being baby making. Just have fun together. It's so easy to lose the fun when were TTC.

 

[nobump]

Keep trying to remind myself not to nag. It,s alwAys easier to spend time together when we are away, just frustrating when timing all wring. Got AF on last week of hols last year, was gutted. No signs til day of AF. Said to hubby feel like we are flogging a deAd horse. Realise afterwards not the most encouraging words I have ever used. He brought up my comment a few weeks later.

Good luck all.

 

[Juniperjules]

Briss, enjoy Barcelona!! There's nothing like being in a different city to inject a bit of life back into a weary mind & soul!! I hope u both have a lovely time & can reconnect & remember why u got together in the beginning.

 

[Briss]

Juniper, thanks! unfortunately we started arguing even before we left for the airport... I hope things will improve, will report back when I return

 

[Jax41]

Briss! Have a lovely time in Barca, I so hope you can relax and enjoy each others company for a while. Must be the place to go as we are there last week of May (with all the entourage (sp?) not sure how I'm going to get thro that one, would so much prefer it if it was just me and DH and have told him but it's all part of the b'day celebrations...)

I've read all your posts girls and am nodding and yeaing all the way through to your talk of isolation and future's with our DH's as mine is also completely in question atm....bloody hell I'm having such a BAD, bad day today and you girls are so good for my soul!!!! But my Mum (she's also my saviour Electricat) has just said if you break with DH you'll be isolated from children completely and this maybe a kind of chance to have little children in your life the hurt may pass... I don't know but I have a huge amount of resentment towards DH as he hasn't and doesn't help my siutation one iota...and for that reason I'm not sure how or if our marriage will survive. If I meet someone else with kids/grandkids, the resentment won't be there... How do you know I guess my best bet is to stick with him as there is far more chance of me becoming preg than trying to meet someone new

I have too much going round in my head AND we have round 50million of the birthday tonight, another family dinner out with additional friends one couple having just had their third baby....I just DONT want to go....

As for work, although I work in education (senior school) I am one of the youngest, and we talk menopause and hot flushes all the time - thank God for that and my 3 great gf's who are so supportive have teenage children, wow and that talk really is enough to put you off but I'd still love love to have a shot at it...

Okay, I'm rambling

 

[viccat]

I've read all your posts girls and am nodding and yeaing all the way through to your talk of isolation and future's with our DH's as mine is also completely in question atm....bloody hell I'm having such a BAD, bad day today and you girls are so good for my soul!!!! But my Mum (she's also my saviour Electricat) has just said if you break with DH you'll be isolated from children completely and this maybe a kind of chance to have little children in your life the hurt may pass... I don't know but I have a huge amount of resentment towards DH as he hasn't and doesn't help my siutation one iota...and for that reason I'm not sure how or if our marriage will survive. If I meet someone else with kids/grandkids, the resentment won't be there... How do you know I guess my best bet is to stick with him as there is far more chance of me becoming preg than trying to meet someone new

Sorry if I missed something earlier in the thread - how does sticking with DH keep you around little children? Is this his grandkids? Have you ever talked about (or at least touched on) the feelings of resentment with him?

I know what you mean about the should I stay or should I go dilemma. I'm 38, will be 39 in September. I am never going to meet someone new AND form a long term relationship with them in the time I have available. But if I stay, then I'm not looking likely to get pregnant to OH So it is stay and try my best, or leave and try with donor, which means being a single mum. Financially I could do it, but emotionally I don't want to! It is a bit of a shock after most of my life running smoothly. I always thought I was a pretty lucky person, until now.

I get annoyed at myself for not forcing the issue earlier. I met OH when I was 31, so we've been together just over 7 years. It took 4 years before we lived together, because he only acts when I threaten to leave He lived with his best mate and his brother before I got fed up and said okay, this isn't working for me. I still cannot believe I had to push for our engagement. In fact, I feel like crying now, because I am realising I did this to myself

I'm feeling a bit emotional today, because I went to the doctors for my blood test results. The good news is that everything came back really good. Which should make me happy, but she then was talking quite a bit about the possibility of OH having no sperm. It would rather explain why 14 months of infrequent but well timed sex has had no effect. [And the one month I slept with someone else, I got a BFP].

This is a real "oh f**k, what the hell do I do" day.

 

[Juniperjules]

Viccat, I know exactly how ur feeling. My OH practically needs a rocket up his a*#e to get him to do anything that normal adults do so easily.

I've been having panic attacks all nite, waking up & stressing out about how I feel my chances of having kids is looking dimmer & dimmer. Like you, I honestly can't believe I'm in this situation.

I think I wish I could walk away from my OH. I love him but my life is miserable. He tells me I'm so negative & depressed all the time.. He doesn't seem to get that it's this life making me that way.

A few girls in here seem to be feeling this way. I love my OH very much. Too much maybe- to my detriment. He's a good person but he has never grown up & has lots of issues due to his parents. I often wonder if I'd be happier with someone else. But ive been with OH so long that i cant even imagine being with someone else. But i wonder if even if I never had babies, perhaps a different relationship would be better.. Or make me happier in the long run? Relationships & love aren't meant to be easy- but they shouldn't b this hard either. The saying 'sometimes love isn't enough' ring in my ears sometimes.

We've got the FS appt tomoro. Now it's upon us I don't think he's overly keen. Plus he's now sick. And he's hopeless when he's sick. He said last nite that he'd go.... But I can see him pulling out tomoro saying he's too unwell & we should just keep trying on our own.

If he does.. I'm tempted to go alone & just say he's sick. Do those of u who have done this b4 think it will still be ok if I go alone?? Bcos at least once I've been then I'm in the system? And if I get all the info &explain our situation the doc might still be able to give me a plan?? And then I can try & talk OH into it when he's not being a sickly baby!

Viccat, I'm also having a 'what the f*#k am I gonna do' day.... I can't take much more. Have sent u a pm.. But not sure if it actually sent!

 

[viccat]

Viccat, I know exactly how ur feeling. My OH practically needs a rocket up his a*#e to get him to do anything that normal adults do so easily.

I've been having panic attacks all nite, waking up & stressing out about how I feel my chances of having kids is looking dimmer & dimmer. Like you, I honestly can't believe I'm in this situation.

I think I wish I could walk away from my OH. I love him but my life is miserable. He tells me I'm so negative & depressed all the time.. He doesn't seem to get that it's this life making me that way.

A few girls in here seem to be feeling this way. I love my OH very much. Too much maybe- to my detriment. He's a good person but he has never grown up & has lots of issues due to his parents. I often wonder if I'd be happier with someone else. But ive been with OH so long that i cant even imagine being with someone else. But i wonder if even if I never had babies, perhaps a different relationship would be better.. Or make me happier in the long run? Relationships & love aren't meant to be easy- but they shouldn't b this hard either. The saying 'sometimes love isn't enough' ring in my ears sometimes.

We've got the FS appt tomoro. Now it's upon us I don't think he's overly keen. Plus he's now sick. And he's hopeless when he's sick. He said last nite that he'd go.... But I can see him pulling out tomoro saying he's too unwell & we should just keep trying on our own.

If he does.. I'm tempted to go alone & just say he's sick. Do those of u who have done this b4 think it will still be ok if I go alone?? Bcos at least once I've been then I'm in the system? And if I get all the info &explain our situation the doc might still be able to give me a plan?? And then I can try & talk OH into it when he's not being a sickly baby!

Viccat, I'm also having a 'what the f*#k am I gonna do' day.... I can't take much more. Have sent u a pm.. But not sure if it actually sent!

Hiya Juniper - yep I got your pm and have sent a reply.

Things are going okay here this month. I told my lover that I had got pregnant, and how horrible it had made me feel. He seemed to understand, and is taking the lead from me on things between us. So when I saw him at the weekend we stuck to coffee and a chat.

In the meantime, OH seems to have taken on board DTD more frequently Mebbies I shouldn't celebrate too soon, but here we are on CD11 and have DTD twice (TWICE!!!) so far this month. I am so hopeful to get proper fresh swimmers when we get to ov time.

I am still worried that when OH gets off his arse and gets his sperm assessment done that it will show up that he has azoospermia (i.e. no swimmers). At that point the affair will be out in the open, and lord knows what will happen. There's a bit of me almost wants it to all come out - I hate living the lie, and have often wished I could just say to OH "you don't like sex, but I do. Please can I have a relationship alongside this one that fulfills that". I don't know how the people in open relationships ever get to that point?

 

[Juniperjules]

Yay! Happy to hear things in the BD dept are good this month Viccat. It's amazing how it can turn things around in you head & make it feel like anything is possible. I've got my fingers crossed that ur OH sperm count is good. Did he know about the bfp then? Is that why ur saying if his count is low then the affair will be out of the bag??

It's Ov week for me too this week, cd10 today. I was feeling very negative earlier when I posted. Am feeling more positive now bcos it looks like my OH will come willingly to the FS with me tomoro. It's funny how things can go from crap to hopeful so easily!

 

[Briss]

Jax, Barcelona is a fantastic place you will definitely enjoy it! the food is really good. our trip was great but i was hoping it would be much warmer, I had to wear jumper and jacket all the time. on a positive side we managed to BD once!

Expecting AF tomorrow or Friday, feel totally depressed about everything. being away made me take a moment and look at my life from the outside and I did not like what I saw. I do not know what to do but I feel I need to make some changes, maybe quit my job (it just drains me completely) or find a new husband… maybe both…. I could barely find energy to get up this morning and force myself to work. DH and I argued a lot while in Barcelona because over the last 3 years I was so focuses on TTc that I did not raise everything else that's wrong in our relationship. also I am just so busy at work that I never have time to even think about it. being away just showed me all the things I am unhappy about in our relationship besides TTC and I could no longer hold them in, they came out pouring so we argued and argued … do not even know where we go from here

Viccat I am totally with you on the should I stay or should I go dilemma. "I am never going to meet someone new AND form a long term relationship with them in the time I have available" – sad but true. I also do not know if leaving DH is the best way forward, it would probably mean going donor sperm and doing it alone, am I ready for this? should I still hope he will improve his sperm or agrees for IVF? I met DH when I was 26, I am 37 next month! what was I thinking??? It never occurred to me that he could be a problem. I always assumed it could only be me so I was checking myself every 6 months making sure everything is in good working order but you cant help getting older, what I should have been doing is getting him to check his sperm and look for smb else. Viccat, you are not alone, I made my DH marry me, had to break up our 6-7 year old relationship before he proposed…. why did I do it to myself??? so much effort and commitment on my part… for what??

Juniper, I can say exactly the same about myself - I love him but my life is miserable. Though I can imagine myself with smb else but to be honest I do not think I am that attractive at the moment (I look tired all the time) so not a chance I can get somebody else. Men like happy confident women, I do not look the part. besides the thought of leaving my Dh and the fact that this will probably break his heart for good makes me think. btw My DH only went for the first appointment, all follow up app it's just me on my own…

 

[Juniperjules]

So.. Had my FS appt today & it went well. OH came with me, however it was a 2hr wait to see the FS & OH is sick, so I sent him to wait in the car bcos I think a waiting room jam packed with women, 50% very pregnant was getting a bit much for him. He looked rotten & was coughing & spluttering so the car was a better option! I told him I'd call if I needed him.

So the FS was great! A man in his late 50's maybe, slightly eccentric, Been in the game for 20 odd years.. I felt like he should've been wearing a bow tie! : ) he was very positive, and barely blinked an eyelid when I explained my OH's 'finishing' issue. In fact he sympathised & said most men don't feel comfortable with issues like that, & infact it's very common. He also reassured me that using a syringe to do at home inseminations is completely fine- no worse than normal sex!! So I'm feeling very good about that.

He then said that he'd get some tests done on me & then we'd decide how to proceed. He asked what supplements I take, & when I told him I take ubiquinol, he said he hadn't heard of it (well he'd heard of CoQ10, but not for this purpose... So he spent about 10minutes googling & reading stuff on the Internet, & looking for scientific journal articles!! I thought that was pretty funny!

So he is sending me for the following, the cd 21 bloods I've already had done by my GP but he's doing them again;
*Bloods cd 3 or 4- FSH, oestradiol, progesterone, prolactin, AMH, TSH... & something that looks like ZH? Or 2H?? Can't quite make it out
*Bloods cd 21-23- oestradiol & progesterone
*Transvaginal ultrasound to measure follicles
* he also wrote up a pathology slip for a HSG, & said its my choice if & when I use it. He basically said 'it can be very useful & worthwhile', but has left it up to me as to whether I bother with it. I'll probably do it, but not sure when.

And my next appt is on 12 June...

 

[Briss]

Juniper, your appointment sounds very positive. it's great that he asked about supplements! Our Fs does not believe in them which is very disappointing. it's funny though that he never heard of ubiquinol but nice that he went on and checked rather than (like most docs) would just get defensive and dismiss it. all tests sounds right, I think it's good to do HSG to make sure tubes are fine

 

[Zeri]

Hi, Just wanted to pop in to say a quick hello. Both my computers are down so I can't type long mails, but I've been reading on my IPod and following everyone's stories. Hope to check back in properly soon. Until then, baby dust to all of us!

 

[viccat]

Yay! Happy to hear things in the BD dept are good this month Viccat. It's amazing how it can turn things around in you head & make it feel like anything is possible. I've got my fingers crossed that ur OH sperm count is good. Did he know about the bfp then? Is that why ur saying if his count is low then the affair will be out of the bag??

Yes, OH knew about the BFP. I didn't say anything until a couple of days after AF was due, and then told him because I couldn't keep it secret any more.

Expecting AF tomorrow or Friday, feel totally depressed about everything. being away made me take a moment and look at my life from the outside and I did not like what I saw. I do not know what to do but I feel I need to make some changes, maybe quit my job (it just drains me completely) or find a new husband… maybe both…. I could barely find energy to get up this morning and force myself to work. DH and I argued a lot while in Barcelona because over the last 3 years I was so focuses on TTc that I did not raise everything else that's wrong in our relationship. also I am just so busy at work that I never have time to even think about it. being away just showed me all the things I am unhappy about in our relationship besides TTC and I could no longer hold them in, they came out pouring so we argued and argued … do not even know where we go from here

Viccat I am totally with you on the should I stay or should I go dilemma. "I am never going to meet someone new AND form a long term relationship with them in the time I have available" – sad but true. I also do not know if leaving DH is the best way forward, it would probably mean going donor sperm and doing it alone, am I ready for this? should I still hope he will improve his sperm or agrees for IVF? I met DH when I was 26, I am 37 next month! what was I thinking??? It never occurred to me that he could be a problem. I always assumed it could only be me so I was checking myself every 6 months making sure everything is in good working order but you cant help getting older, what I should have been doing is getting him to check his sperm and look for smb else. Viccat, you are not alone, I made my DH marry me, had to break up our 6-7 year old relationship before he proposed…. why did I do it to myself??? so much effort and commitment on my part… for what??

Sorry to hear about the arguments Briss. I know what you mean about focusing on one thing to the detriment of others. It almost sounds like you need proper time out of your life to take a good hard look at all elements of it. Or would you consider going for some form of counselling - perhaps life coaching? I had a few sessions 3 years ago, and found it really useful. I changed job, moved out of the house with OH, but perhaps unfortunately, backed out of leaving the relationship - although with the support of my life coach I had at least got to that point.

Not sure whether you have seen this or not, but it rather cheered me up.... https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2323432/Fiona-Dolman-reveals-pregnant-following-short-fling-younger-lover-secretly-splitting-husband.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Juniper - That sounds a really positive appointment! Sorry for my ignorance, but what is an HSG?

Will you get your results before 12th June, or go through them then?

 

[nobump]

Enjoying our trip. Giving up on possibility of being pregnant this month. Enjoying a wee tipple. The sauna and jacquzee. Hopefully get down to it tomorrow.

 

[Juniperjules]

No bump- sounds fantastic! Have fun & enjoy!

Briss- I agree with Viccat, maybe a counsellor could help. Just with some direction & guidance. An objective 3rd party.

I thought the FS was great. He said in his 20 years in reproductive medicine that lots of fads have come & gone, but that he is always open to new possibilities. And from wot he read while I was there he couldn't see any harm in me taking them. And that he could see how they might do wot people say they do (improve egg quality).

Sorry ur trip involved lots of arguements. That sucks. I know that once I'm hung up on some of these ttc issues it's a slippery slope down into feeling like our whole relationship is doomed. Every little issue feels insurmountable & unfixable. Bleak & depressing. I can't speak for your relationship of course, only u know what's really going on. I feel for you hon. It's an awful situation to be in.

Viccat, HSG is where they put a catheter into the cervix & send dye thru it & with X-ray they can see if it flows freely thru ur Fallopian tubes. And apparently if there are any smallish blockages the dye can unblock them. And if there are any issues, then the FS can follow up & treat them. I've heard it's painful though.. I remember a friend having it done who said it was terrible.. So I'm undecided. Bcos I'm a chicken : ) and yep all the test results will be back by the next appt, so I guess the FS will go through them with me. I can get everything done at the hospital itself & it's all covered by our Medicare system (which is basically equivalent to it being covered by the NHS in the UK).

 

[nobump]

Juniper, that's interesting about supplements, might look at taking more than just folic.

 

[jessshakespea]

Hello all, can I join in? My OH doesn't have much in the way of sex drive and sometimes it really gets me down. I've gone through the whole wondering if I'm attractive to him thing, then the searching for solutions (tried loads, failed), talking (seems to only make it worse somehow and into giving up. I'm kinda used to it now I think. Sometimes I wish things were different but at the moment I'm so tired with work it's not so bad. I'm happy to say that he DOES want a baby and despite his low drive is willing to take one for the team every day around O time. In some ways it's helped as before sex had become the elephant in the room. Now it's more a means to an end so there's less stress about how it 'should' be.
Nothing works though, other than the fact that we HAVE to have sex. I've wondered if I can stick it out long term but he's such an amazing bloke I would be daft to walk away for one problem in a relationship, I don't have to worry about him not trying for a baby.
For you guys who are questioning things I would say if you aren't happy, don't stay. An unhappy sperm donor is not necessarily something you want hanging around after you've had your baby! It is hard being a single mum, I've done it. You ladies deserve a man who wants what you want and will do anything to get it for you! (Even if it means forcing it like mine does!). xx

 

[viccat]

Hi Jess, and welcome

I'm probably in a similar situation, in that OH, does want to be a dad / for us to be a family, and already lives a lifestyle compatible with that. Like your OH, he can be persuaded, particularly if it is an important week .... and other than sex we have a great relationship (took a bit of getting there, but we're both happy. I can ignore the dirty socks ).

BUT.... is it enough to be great roommates? I have a similar dilemma to you, aside from TTC, that I am not sure I can live another 30+ years without a bit more passion in my relationship. Heck, he's teetotal, so its not like I even get some action when we're both drunk It is difficult when a) it is such a fundamental part of a relationship and b) is something you're not supposed to get elsewhere. Anything else you're allowed to get friends to fill the gap!

As for me....
.... well I got my peak on CBFM yesterday, so despite being tired, and sore from a minor surgical procedure yesterday, I did the seduction thing. He came around to it pretty easily, although he was worried about pulling the couple of stitches I've got on my back. Third time this month - I think I've just equalled my previous personal best! I'm not sure what has made the improvement - possibly the prospect of having to do sperm tests, or maybe me being more determined after last month's shock. If I hadn't made the move yesterday, we wouldn't have DTD.

My only worry is that this cycle is slightly different to normal (less EWCM and lower sex drive) so not sure if I will ovulate this month. I'm trying to stay positive, and see it as good practice even if I don't.