Laughing so hard I can't breathe...

[JackiePed]

So I have a friend on BnB that I text with alot. She's hilarious, and it's fun to share jokes that only another BnB-er would get.

Which is why I MUST share this text conversation with you ladies... because you're the only bunch who would get it!

DISCLAIMER: I didn't make this joke to her in order to mock anyone or their threads...I participate in them/start them, too!! It was just to joke about how incredibly comfortable we are about anonymously sharing our most private details online! (So pretty please read this as funny, not as offensive...
-----------------------------
Me: Haha.... Cervix check threads: "Dear anonymous ladies, I shove my fingers up my vagina and feel around for a mystery hole. Aren't you glad I told you?"
P.s. here's a pic of my plug
and I have diarrhea
and I'm really wet down there
and I have sex doggy style
and I masturbate to induce labor
Let's be friends

Her: Omg you are cracking me up right now.

Me: I'm so glad I have you to make these jokes with... Anyone else, I'd have to explain a bunch of background first and ruin the joke

Her: ...."and when the masturbation doesn't work, I swallow semen."

Me:...and come to think of it.. imagine if someone was like, "so I'm pretty sure I'm 4 cm dilated.."
...
Holy s#*&, you crammed 4 fingers up there???

Me (again): Ok... so now I'm really freaking myself out.... Was I so out of it during labor checks that I didn't notice a dic with two hands up there seeing if he could fit TEN FINGERS?????

Me (again): AHHHHH!!!!
DOC!!!
Not dic

Lollllllll
I'm going to pee myself
I can't even breathe....
...crying....

Her: Oh the visuals

Me: (fine...so in reality... I'm sure they don't actually put ten fingers in to check if you're ten cm...but still... makes you wonder...)

Me (again): ..and there's no such thing as a dic with two hands...so...that's a relief
----------------------------------------------

And that...ladies... is BnB humor, late at night, combined with infamous iPhone typos.

(and for those who I freaked out... this link explains how docs/ mws ACTUALLY check your dilation past 2 cm... https://www.askdramy.com/Chap15.html)

 

[robinator]

Ive never seen one with one hand

 

[JackiePed]

 

[JackiePed]

Well then, clearly you married the wrong man....

 

[robinator]

I married the right man. He was just born with the wrong dic.

 

[ashley2pink]

Yup, seems we all admit the most personal things!! Nobody must know my identity because of it!! OT- I'm from Utah too!

 

[JackiePed]

Hey, I've come across alot of Utahns on here! Luz is also a fellow Utahn.... and someone else..... shoot, I'll have to remember.....

 

[robinator]

Dammit Jackie. My phone can't keep up.

 

[JackiePed]

Give in and get an iPhone

 

[robinator]

No bandwagons for me!

 

[robinator]

My hemorrhoids are really burning. Had to switch my thong for bikinis.

 

[robinator]

The next time I check my cervix I'll have to make sure to file down my ragged nails. Yeee-ouch!!

 

[luckyno2]

Whaaaahaaaa you all crack me up...lol

 

[Kage76]

(and for those who I freaked out... this link explains how docs/ mws ACTUALLY check your dilation past 2 cm... https://www.askdramy.com/Chap15.html)

you made me snort my coffee.

Thanks for the link I had wondered how they did check the dilation but after the first one i just assumed that he had both hands, a shoe horn a torch and a small sherpa in there looking for his lost keys.

So glad I went from 3cm to 9cm in 3 hours so I avoided lots of those checks. they were damn uncomfortable.

 

[luvmyfam]

That was hilarious!

 

[JackiePed]

Thanks for the link I had wondered how they did check the dilation but after the first one i just assumed that he had both hands, a shoe horn a torch and a small sherpa in there looking for his lost keys.

Ok you made me choke on my pb cookie!

 

[robinator]

Thanks for the link I had wondered how they did check the dilation but after the first one i just assumed that he had both hands, a shoe horn a torch and a small sherpa in there looking for his lost keys.

Ok you made me choke on my pb cookie!

Damn, sherpas have cars? They could drive up Everest! What the hell are they walking for!?!?

 

[Kage76]

Nah i think the doctor hired the sherpa to carry him around. BMW's are so last week.

 

[JackiePed]

Why is there a mountain by my cervix, anyway....?

 

[robinator]

At least you don't pee out of your cervix. Like I do.