Life can be so hard

Discussion in 'Baby Club' started by leannehurren, Jan 27, 2011.

  1. leannehurren

    leannehurren Well-Known Member

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    I posted on here a few weeks ago when my partner first went to the drs for depression. Well he has been of work for 4 weeks and still doesn't feel ready to go back. I have found it very hard to deal with him being at home as he stays in bed a lot and has very little energy or motivation. He has always got quite stressed at work and I think this added to the upheaval of a baby has ben too much

    I find myself getting angry and being nasty then I feel bad. He has not been brought up to talk about things so struggles to do this. Then he'll suddenly drop a bombshell and I'll get upset. I suffer from anxiety so am not always the best at dealing with his depression

    anyway it all got too much for me yeserday and I moved back to my mums fo a few days for a break. I know that things would be much easier and less stessful if I was on my own but after 11 years I don't want to leave him - I hating being apart from him. He now wants us to have this space and talk at the weekend.
    Any suggestions on how I stop the stress and crying when we talk? I really don't want my little boy brought up away from his daddy :( has anyone else felt like this or got through something similar? At the moment I don't see a way out or that things will improve. The dr increased his medication and he's waiting for therapy

    sorry for the rambling - just needed toget it out
     
  2. happigail

    happigail Mummy to Kitty and Ashy.

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    I'm sorry I have no experience, but I can imagine that it must be so draining on you especially doing all the baby stuff whilst he is in bed. You must be so exhausted, take the time at your Mum's to try and rest as much as you can xxx
     
  3. louisiana

    louisiana mummy and ttc#2

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    god what a hard situation.did the doctor prescribe anything for him?cause antideppressants can take 6weeks to work-if hes no better then he needs to see about getting them changed.

    can he be persuaded to get himself out for walks during the day because exercise really helps.

    as for when u speak to him,its fine to cry when you do talk but maybe write a list of everything you want to discus then you wont forget things if you get emotional.

    good luck:hugs:
     
  4. marymoomin

    marymoomin Well-Known Member

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    I agree with the exercise if he can manage, its the quikest way to get the seratonin pumping. goog luck, it must be tough. :hugs:
     
  5. leannehurren

    leannehurren Well-Known Member

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    Yes I get so frustrated when he's in bed and I'm doing stuff. He has been taking the dogs out more so getting some exercise and fresh air. He also looks after caleb and feeds and plays with him - just doesn't do early morning feeds or chores.

    I am meant to b going back to work in April but could go earlier bu I don't know I he would be capable of looking after caleb for 2 days a week.

    He is in antidepressants and they have increased the dose- it's been 4 weeks since dose has been raised and I've noticed some improvement but not lots. He is back to how he was with LO when he was first born - adoring him and wanting to play with him lots!
     
  6. Lost_Plot

    Lost_Plot GADOING GADADOING DOING

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    Have you spoken to your doctor yourself. They might be able to help you help him and help you cope too. My sister ended up having counselling for her OH's bipolar disorder as it was dragging her down too and effecting her daughter. They've made a lot of headway too my niece is 6 now and knows if Daddy is "poorly" not to take it personally if he doesn't talk to her. It's still hard but he's a wonderful dad when he's well and coping much better these days.

    My OH has depression too although not as bad as my BIL it's still a drain especially with a new baby it's so hard not to get resentful but our baby seems to help. He's the one thing that can put a smile on his face.
     
  7. elephant29

    elephant29 Daddy, mummy, LO and bean

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    :hugs::hugs:

    That must be so hard.

    It's not the same because there was no baby involved but my ex suffered really bad depression. He would stay in bed all day, getting up about 5pm. I was at uni, trying to make a better life for us, I worked 2 jobs with an agency and in a shop to get us through it. He had odd jobs that he never kept. It was the hardest 5 years of my life and looking back I can never understand why I stayed. I guess I just didnt know how to leave. One night though I asked him if he still loved me, he said no and the relief was amazing!! I left, met My OH 1 month later and the rest is history.

    Sorry for hijaking there but it was just to say I understand what living with depression is like and its so hard.

    I would try and talk to my ex but it was like speaking to a brick wall. He would pay lip service but nothing ever changed. Maybe in order to be in control of the situation and stop the tears that I know come automatically but also hinder any sensible conversation, you could write him a long letter. Put down all of your feelings. With a letter you dont have to watch his face as some of the things you say are too close to the bone (which they need to be sometimes to allow you your time to vent and get your issues out there). It gives him time to take it in and respond when he has read, understood and is willing to maybe work on some of the issues.

    If you dont want to split up, you both need to realise that him hiding away in bed, depressed or not, is going to make ur situation a million times worse.

    I hope I'm not coming across patronising or like a know it all. I just remember what its like and really feel for you. I hope things work out.

    xxx
     
  8. stepmummy

    stepmummy Well-Known Member

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    Oh I really feel for you/. I find it so difficult when OH is in a bad mood, he goes very into himself and will hide away and I find it impossible so I don't know how you do it day in, day out.

    I think some space is probably a good idea for you both. I am sure he will realise how much he misses you both and you will have some time to think about things and work out ways to hold your tongue when you get stressed.

    No one would ever blame you for getting wound up with the situation but perhaps it would help to find a forum or a group where you can discuss your problems with your OH.

    I had PND and I know my partner found it so difficult to keep a lid on his frustration but he has a friend whose partner had PND and talking to him really helped.

    When someone has depression you feel it is your responsibility to tiptoe around them and almost fix them but it isn't, they have to do it themselves. You have a baby to look after so as long as OH knows you love him and he has your support, he can hopefully start to build himself back up.

    Just remember every time you want to yell at him, you want him to get better and you want him to go back to work (and get out from under your feet!!!) so try to bite your tongue. Someone who's depressed might also feel guilty for pulling those they love down and that's another thing they have to overcome. If you can be strong and fullof love and understanding, it'll help him to heal more quickly.

    Sorry for the ramble! Hope things get better soon xxx
     

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