looking for advice

[pa2k84]

Husband has been seeing someone for a while, i knew but he kept on denying it. The woman in question was spending time with my chidren (with him), buying them presents etc. although i have never met her.
He finally a couple of weeks ago confessed and basically moved out that night to live with her telling boys the next evening. Boys obviously upset but at the same time ex bigging up how he and C have a nice room for the boys in house and have bought bunk beds for them to stay over which they are excited about.
My issue is my kids thik this other woman is wonderful and keep on telling me how lovely she is and i need to see her and will know how great she is etc. Ex obviously went about things the very wrong way but i am now left feeling very mixed.
I am not upset one bit with him going, we have not really been together for a couple years and i have done eveything on my own including holidays as he was only interested in running (and other women really).
I however don't want my children to go round his new house to this woman, boys getting cross with me as she is wonderful aparently and finding myself telling boys how she is not and she is the reason daddy is not at home which i know is wrong just comes out.
Other thing is my eldest has to go anf talk to someone at school once a week (emotional support thing nit linked to his dad moving out more he has other issues) and the teacher who talks to him has told him that now his daddy has lef he can work on being a better dad which he has told his dad who is now using the same line, again i am finding myself telling my son how that is rubbish and if he really wanted to be a good dad he would have bothered with us when he was at home.
I am at the moment actually feeling quite annoyed at the teacher and want to say something but know will cause issues (teachers daughter is in my youngest class at school and i see her socially and know she is going through a break up herself) but i don't know what to do.
My children are desperate to go round to their dads new place and see his partner again always asking to talk to her on the phone etc. but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Sorry for the ramble but i have noone to talk to and feels good to get it all out even though i think i may have made a million typos tying so fast!

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

He hurt you and your children so she will be a threat for awhile. She MIGHT be the nicest person in the world but she helped ruin your marriage with your husbands help. That's not something you can overlook with a smile and a casserole at her house

 

[DobbyForever]

Hugs. My ex cheated on me for who knows how long, and even while I was pregnant. If sucks now, but it’s better in the long run for your family. It gets better.

Now, the best intervention for behavior is prevention. You are upset at how you talk to your son about the gf? Come up with a line or a few you can go to when he says something that triggers you. Keep it short.

Mom, come over to meet her!
No.

Why not?
Right now, I’m just not ready to do that yet. OR No means no.

She’s so great!
I’m glad that you have a positive relationship with her, but my relationship with her is different than yours.

End of day, they’re going to be around her and it sounds like she treats them well. So is the issue just because of what she did to you? Now that you’re coparenting, you have to take the high road. The more you attack her, the further you’re pushing your kids away and hurting them. This is what all the psychologists say have a negative impact on children of divorce.

BUT hugs make sure you have someone to vent to as well! It can be us.

 

[pa2k84]

As yet the boys have not gone over. I have already told them they will not be going until I have met her and seen where they are going to be. They ask me to meet her but I am in no rush. I can count on one hand the number of nights my youngest has stayed away from me at night (he is 5) and want to know where he is as I'm sure the excitement will start off very quick and he won't want to be there so holding off as long as possible

 

[DobbyForever]

That’s not really fair to them to say they can’t go to their dad’s until you meet her then refuse to meet her. I’m also not sure where you are from, but that kind of behavior in my county can be used to get sole custody of your children. You can not alienate them from their father by limiting their time with him or preventing/interfering with their relationship with him.

I understand wanting to protect your kids. Trust me. Especially in a world where something bad has to happen to them for any sort of legal protection to occur.

I’m just confused as to where this is all coming from. You said they are good to the boys, so why do you not want them to go? And if he is a s* dad, that’s a choice for them to make not you. If you feel he is a danger to them, there’s always supervised visitation.

I hope I’m not coming off harsh. My ex is on supervised visitation (that he chooses not to do) because he neglected and verbally abused our infant. Being a cheater is not synonymous with being a bad dad in my eyes. But I don’t know him or your story. You know what I mean? I’m just worried you’re putting a target on you.

 

[ClairAye]

.

 

[pa2k84]

I am not stopping him seeing the kids at all and never said i was. He spent the whole day yesterday with them, took youngest to his football training tonight and pops in almost every other day to see them from work

 

[ClairAye]

I am not stopping him seeing the kids at all and never said i was. He spent the whole day yesterday with them, took youngest to his football training tonight and pops in almost every other day to see them from work

My apologies then, I misread your previous post.

 

[DobbyForever]

As yet the boys have not gone over. I have already told them they will not be going until I have met her and seen where they are going to be. They ask me to meet her but I am in no rush. I can count on one hand the number of nights my youngest has stayed away from me at night (he is 5) and want to know where he is as I'm sure the excitement will start off very quick and he won't want to be there so holding off as long as possible

ex bigging up how he and C have a nice room for the boys in house and have bought bunk beds for them to stay over which they are excited about.

I however don't want my children to go round his new house to this woman, boys getting cross with me as she is wonderful aparently and finding myself telling boys how she is not and she is the reason daddy is not at home which i know is wrong just comes out.

My children are desperate to go round to their dads new place and see his partner again always asking to talk to her on the phone etc. but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I'm sorry, but that's exactly what you said. Maybe you typed it out incorrectly, but that's what you typed. That even though these two people are so sweet to your children and have a bedroom for them and your children want to be around them, you will not let them go to the house until you meet her. But you refuse. That's the definition of alienation. He could take you to court, and you could lose custody over things like this. He is their father. It is his right to 50/50 time. If he wants a sleepover and the kids want to sleepover, barring any court orders or child abuse, he has a right to it and the children have a right to it.

They have done multiple studies on what causes the decline of children in single households or split households, and this type of behavior is it. The fighting, the name calling, the friction is what sends kids down a bad path in life. But what's worse is that it's coming from you. You are the parent they live with. You are the parent who was loyal and showed fidelity to your relationship. You are their constant. And you're being petty. Come on here. Call her all the names you want and let it all out, but you CANNOT do that in front of your children. I won't type out the abuse I went through with my ex, but no matter how much I wish death upon him every single day I will never, ever talk s* about him in front of our son nor do I let other people talk s* about him in front of our son.

There's a time and place.

So I stand by my advice.
Re going over: either meet her and be civil so you feel better or accept they go over there with a woman you don't know

Re your children: be the bigger person in front of them and the teacher is right. Now you can talk to the teacher yourself about what you think is appropriate or not to say to your kid.

Re you: please take care of yourself. I'm not going to lecture you anymore, but as a teacher and as a mom whose ex tried to go for alienation (obviously lost because he's a psychopath and I wasn't alienating him ) I had to say something. Like I tell my students, just remember when I say something it's because I care and still believe in you. We're here if you need to vent, and if you want to vent but not to me I can bounce out. But my ex cheated on me so I feel you.