Looking like wtt until never :( (not sounding good update) :'(

[wtbmummy]

This is very much emotional ramblings so I am sorry.

Ok so we always wanted two children. Due to kidney problems I have we felt lucky enough to have one but I desperatly want a second for ds sake. (I was an only child) I went for tests and scans etc... And they said if I want another it has to be NOW!!

So I came off depo n back on pill to regulate my body again. I have been taking folic acid everyday for over a month. We have thought of names and what we will do differently second time round. It's all been planned for later this year.

However.... Are financal situation isn't say "ideal" atm. Infact the inlaws have now offered to help reduce our monthly outgoings. This is great (but i feel terrible n so does dh that we are in this situation)

Initally I thought well great we can def go ahead with no.2 but thats really not the case, if we have no.2 then I will have to give up work completely (although 90% of my earnings goes on childcare but i had to go back to get my qualification) it means I would be out of work for potentially 2-3years at which point I could go back term time only and bring in a better wage as pay for less childcare. In that time we will have TWO children to care for plus I the only income I would have would be for the children. (Child benefit) so basically nil. Dh has got a better job now but will be a while before he gets his promotion. (Year or two) With our debts cleared we could still live comfortably which is much more than right now.

The worst part was when fil said "one step forward, two steps back" meaning if they helped us which solved a lot of issues but then we cant save with me out of work n having another mouth to feed. I completely understand what hes saying but does that mean my son has to be on his own???

The more and more i think about this the more it seems certain that for us to ever get a morgage then we will have to save every penny and there is no way at all i can take two years out of work. Which in turn means no second child

I just feel soooo torn, I want a second child but if we do will we ever get out of private renting?? I feel so sad but at the same time I love my son so much I would be happy for it to just be us three forever.

If you made it to the end of my ramblings thank you. I just dont know how i feel about all this. Its great for the help or we would be in a worse position but i dont want them to feel like they have helped us so I can not work for two years

 

[aimee-lou]

Would you be able to claim any tax credits or even housing benefit? It all depends on how much your OH earns but with 2 children the boundaries are different so may be worth doing a bit of a calculation. It's not a long term solution but it may ease your guilt while you take time off to raise your children. You may also find that that 10% of your current earnings that you bring home after childcare isn't that missed. At home you can economise, cut out coupons, meal plan better, sell stuff on eBay as you'll have a bit of spare time (I know it sounds far fetched, but I have 3 children and still manage a little bit of all of this), you can shop around and eat better too. I work to £70 a week for 5 people including everything non-food so it's do-able.

I also understand your worry about the whole mortgage thing. We're in rented and would love to buy but right now we're in a 'transition' stage in our lives. The children are young and don't care/notice that we're stoney-broke most of the time. Pretty soon hubby will be gaining a career rather than a job, I will be able to return to work to add to the kitty, we'll settle down. By that time debts will be gone, credit rating will be improved and we'll have saved up a bit and cleaned up our act financially enough to get a mortgage. We think we'll need about 5-6 years to do all of this starting from now.

Good luck. Talk to your OH and see what you both think and feel is the best solution. You will know what you need to do, just talk about it and get a feel for what's right.

 

[clhozac]

I am so sorry you are feeling like this "hugs". My thought would be, we might be really hard off for 3-4 years if we have baby #2, but will I regret this for the next 20 + if I don't? If you're happy just the three of you then you shouldn't feel like you HAVE to, I know many happy only children. You could always host an exchange student when they are a bit older to give them some "sibling experience". But if in your heart of heart you know you really would regret not having the second child, is it worth the financial discomfort for the short term? I agree with PP and talk to the DH. Maybe he doesn't really want baby #2, or maybe he really does and it's worth it for him.

I've heard the second baby is not as expensive as the first because you have the hand me down things, and you spend less because you are more experienced as a parent. Any child is going to be expensive, but maybe not as bad as you thought. Good luck. I hope whatever the outcome is for you that you find happiness and peace with it.

 

[NovemberSnow]

I don't have much advice, but didn't want to read and run. Sounds like you have a really tough choice. Good luck and I hope things work out!

 

[Berri]

Money comes and goes but your family is forever! I think it's great that you are being logical about this but if it were me, I would go for it.

Is there a reason you would have to be out of work for 2-3 years? Is part-time work an option?

For me the second baby has been much cheaper (helped by the fact they are both boys and born in summer I suppose); I barely spend anything on him. We have our cloth nappies from no.1 and I BF so that helps but really any clothes or toys are usually gifts from others. Our food bill has gone up slightly and our child-care costs doubled but we are breaking even.

We are considering no. 3 which will be a huge strain financially but I know that once they are in school then I can return to full-time work which will allow me to pay for their extra-curricular activities and holidays and things.

Don't envy your decision. Good luck with it

 

[LoveCakes]

So sorry you feel stuck.

Personally I'd go for it with no 2. Especially if you won't get this chance again. What does your oh think?

Could you work evenings/ weekends while your oh is at home? It would mean sacrificing family time for a bit but would be a temporary sacrifice until you get back on your feet.

 

[wtbmummy]

Thanks everyone. I just feel so conflicted atm.
I spoke to dh not long after writting this as he knew I wasn't happy. He said that we will get things sorted and he has told his parents about how the doc have told us its now or never. He said that we will make them understand that we have no other means for childcare so i wont be able to afford to work. Atm I only work part time and all my wages go on the childcare. So could not afford two in childcare. I went back to work as my employer have put me through my level 3diploma in childcare. I will be qualified by July
(Lovecakes I prob would get a sat job as a help but cant do evenings as dh is never gaurenteed a finish time)
From his reaction he wants a second baby the same amount as I do which felt nice. He said he doesnt want me to have any regrets so we will work it out

Feeling a bit better today, still conflicted but better. I have being feeling confused anyway about having a second as of course would be a strain regardless. It would be abit cheaper second time round as we know what kind of parents we are and where to get the bargains

Although aimme-lou - please please tell me how u manage tofeed 5for £70 a week as we spend that for three of us and i have reduced it a lot by buying smart price

 

[aimee-lou]

I cook from scratch or batch cook, I make use of vouchers where I can. I meal plan EVERYTHING! My hubby hates me sometimes lol

It works out at £280 a months on groceries. I don't have any more money than that anyway so it has to work. It helps that I'm home tbh, as I can make packed lunches for hubby if he needs one, I can cut back where necessary and I eat VERY cheaply myself to allow the main meals to be better. I have majorly helped myself this month by potty training DS2, before that I had 2 in nappies which was a killer! But Value nappies are great for during the day and at £1.40 for 20 they have been a godsend at times!

 

[wtbmummy]

I cook from scratch or batch cook, I make use of vouchers where I can. I meal plan EVERYTHING! My hubby hates me sometimes lol

It works out at £280 a months on groceries. I don't have any more money than that anyway so it has to work. It helps that I'm home tbh, as I can make packed lunches for hubby if he needs one, I can cut back where necessary and I eat VERY cheaply myself to allow the main meals to be better. I have majorly helped myself this month by potty training DS2, before that I had 2 in nappies which was a killer! But Value nappies are great for during the day and at £1.40 for 20 they have been a godsend at times!

I too cook everything from scratch. I only work two days per week so those days we tend to have jacket potatoes still quick n easy so on the whole everything is from scratch. I find that to be more expensive sometimes though with buying meat it is very expensive so we hardly have it
Guess I need to try harder

 

[wtbmummy]

Ok so we sat down with the inlaws tonight. It looks like finances will soon improve

However after they left we went through the benefit calculator like 100times to see depending on dh's earnings what we would get with one child or two....

It really really does not look good. We will be entittled to child tax credits with dhs wage being hugher than we thought. Although most my wages would go on childcare dh says we will still be better off.

We then went through if had 2children nme not working what we would get. Its not bad really but not great either.

Dh then said it looks like we wont be able to have another baby. I am in bits, totally n completely. I think I just need to prove to him that it is financialy doable as i dont think he can comprahend that hes not earning more if its going on childcare anyway as getting less tax credits.

After going through everything with his parents he is pretty exhausted already so I didnt want to try n explain. He said the other night he does want a second n we will do what we can but it looks more n more like it wont happen.

I feel so lost atm.

 

[star1]

Can you go about proving to hubby about how you can make it work financially? Save any money that is left from your salary after childcare each month, plus an agreed amount for an imaginary second child (£50 per month?). Then you would have the benefit of some savings plus you would both know it could work x

 

[aimee-lou]

Just my opinion really and I know it's probably not a very common-sense way of looking at it but finances should not be the be all and end all of decision making. Goodness if I judged everything on whether we could afford to do it, we'd never leave the house!! I have 3 boys. None of them we could strictly 'afford' but we know that our situation at the moment is not how it will always be. The short term financial pain of being home to raise children, or to retrain, or to save like fury in order to buy your forever home, are just that. Short term pain! Long term gain is where the judgement should be. In 10-20 years time will you sit at home thinking, well I'm glad I worked all those extra hours, or will you sit and say I'm glad we have the family we all want. Money will come and go but you cannot buy back time. You find ways to make things work. We've had holidays, we have bought a car when we've needed it, and you get opportunities that your heart knows you should take, come what may. Once a child is here, would you send them back if you couldn't afford to keep them? I'm not saying do it regardless, but for the sake of a few £'s a month, is it worth always wondering what if?

I know I am preaching to the choir, but please, don't let your bank manager make your life decisions.

Just to re-iterate. this is my opinion. I don't want you to think I'm telling you what to do. I just think people generally put too much stay in money. I know you can't live without it nowadays, but there are always ways and means.

Good luck and I hope you feel better whatever you decide to do.

 

[Earthylove]

Honestly, it sounds to me like the financial situation is temporary, is it not? In a few years your kid(s) will be in school and you can go back to working full time and then you'll be living on 2 salaries without having to worry as much about childcare. If you feel bad about the years you borrowed money from your in laws, you can pay them back later on down the line when things are good financially or do something nice for them to say thanks. i feel like sometimes you just have to get the ball rolling when it comes to things like having children, even when finances aren't ideal. Financial situations can be temporary, having children or not having them is permanent. Of course, you know your situation better than we do on this board. If you feel that having another will tip you over the edge into a life that places your children at risk or will keep you from ever providing a life for them, then yeah it's probably best not to make that leap. I don't know if that helps or not

 

[wtbmummy]

This is all eating me up atm so I brought it up with hubby again last night

He explained to me how there is nothing he would like more than for us to start trying now, but we have gotten ourselves into this position over the years. He said he doesn't want to pick a mortgage over a baby but we need to think about our futures (we both nearly 30 n i do not even have a pension set up n dhs is only the small one through work)
The finances are temporary in that family will be helping us now, but we still need to pay them back slowly, pay off remaining debts and save for a mortgage. All this looks like will take us 7-8years and thats if I don't have two years off work.
Also dh thinks im in denial as a second child would mean more outgoings. N not just as a baby but two lots of school uniforms, trips, food when they are older. I will of course be working more then but will most likely still be term time only so my wages wont be fantastic.

Dh said that a lot of things will be changing over the next couple of weeks (depending on what the inlaws help us with) and that for now he cannot say whether or not we can have another. He thinks by the end of the year we can think about it again but in the mean time I feel like I'm wasting my time taking folic acid, detoxing my body, being on the pill (was on depo)

So I have spent two days crying inside (obviously cant let lo see im sad)

Basically because of our choices previously it looks like our ds will never know what it is like to have a sibling. Dh has suggested I get some councilling or something as he said its not healthy for me to feel like this long term

 

[justmeinlove]

Ah, big hugs. Following as also a big worry for me, I wish I had been an only child who liked it!

The expenses once older really bother me too :-\ but will it be worse not having the kid? Imagine not, to be sensible, then winning the lottery :-\