Lost my babygirl at 20 weeks

Discussion in 'Second Trimester Losses' started by Indiroyal, Aug 30, 2018.

  1. Indiroyal

    Indiroyal Member

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    Hi guys! Uff... so how do I start... My water broke on Sunday and all the doctors told me that I should induce. My little baby girl still had a heartbeat and I just could not do this to her. I went ahead and rode it out because I found on this site many women who had gone through this and got lucky but some didn’t. I knew to have realistic expectations so I got lots of fluid and started the battle against nature. I was so happy every time she moved and then the next evening I got up to pee and felt the cord. The worst feeling was that less than 5 min before I felt her moving and I figured it was her way of letting me know she was still ok but unfortunately It was game over and I went to the hospital. I was in labor for over 13 hours and finally my beautiful Skye was born but unfortunately with the cord around her neck. Either way at 20 weeks the chances of her surviving were nonexistent. To make matters worse her placenta didn’t come out until 5 hours later where I had to be induced again. The staff was very attentive but I was and still am devastated. I feel a loss I’ve never felt before. I’m terrified to ever try again. I’m devastated for my husband because this man never left my side and seeing him so broken breaks me. We have a beautiful 10 yr old little girl and I feel like I have to be strong for my husband, daughter and myself. We were so happy with this pregnancy and we were so blessed by the joy she brought into our lives. Even though we only met briefly, she was always a part of us. We got to hold her for a bit and say our peace. It was so hard for us. It’s been about 24 hours. I still Can’t believe it. Is it weird that I still place my hand over my belly and feel her? I’m sure it’s my own heart beat but it feels like she’s still with me. Today I finally had about 15 min where I was All alone. I questioned God, I yelled At him. I was filled with rage. I wanted him to take me instead because I will never understand why he took her. Does this get easier? How do I move on? How can I ever Get over this deep dark hole in my chest? My soul is broken. We’re broken. I love her and loved her and always will love her. I need help because even though I have A tough brave face for my family it’s a facade. I feel like if I allow Myself to let myself fall into grief I may Never return to being me again. I miss her. I wish I could have saved her. My faith is shaken and my spirit is hanging on by a thread. I need some light at the end of this tunnel. Please tell me there will be light again because all I feel is sorrow and darkness.
     
  2. Twag

    Twag Mummy to Elliot & Izzy <3

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    I have no words that could ever make this better for you :( I am so sorry for your loss my heart breaks for you and your family :hugs:

    Grieve and heal and love each other and your precious baby girl will always be with her mummy :hugs:
     
  3. PieceByPeace

    PieceByPeace New Member

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    I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I appreciate your willingness to be so open about your sorrow and sadness. I'm glad you have a place to share your feelings, especially to others who can possibly relate. I encourage you to continue reaching out to people to share your feelings of grief. We tend to isolate ourselves when grieving and that can be ok sometimes but not all the time. Lean on each other right now...you, your husband and daughter. Allow each other to grieve in their own way. You will emerge from this dark place and see the light again. It sounds like you have a strong faith, even though you question so much right now...understandable...I have been there myself. Cling to God, even if you feel like running away from Him. Things don't make sense right now, and they may or may not ever, but there is healing through hope that all will be made right one day. Love and hugs to you!!!
     
  4. Indiroyal

    Indiroyal Member

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    Thank you for your kind words. It&#8217;s still not easy but I&#8217;m handling it a bit better. I think I&#8217;ve come to accept it but my heart is still so broken. I wouldn&#8217;t wish this upon any woman ever! No woman should ever have to go through this.
     
  5. paintrider89

    paintrider89 Well-Known Member

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    Hi there. Sorry I have no advice, just *hugs* I saw your other thread and wanted to sent prayers your way for you and your family. :hugs:
     
  6. sethsmummy

    sethsmummy mum to 3 beautiful boys

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    I am so so sorry for you loss :( Sending you gentle love and hugs <3 <3
     
  7. Indiroyal

    Indiroyal Member

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    Thank you so much! All of u, thank you! I broke down today but my supportive husband has been by my side. Without him idk how I&#8217;d be handling this.
     
  8. millianaire

    millianaire Well-Known Member

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    There is a light you just have to try and find your own way of seeing it. so sorry for your loss we become stronger through this pain. no one knows how strong they have to be until they have no other choice but to be strong. always here if you need to talk xxx
     
  9. Myshelsong

    Myshelsong LTTTC #1 Bump

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    I just want to reach out and give you a big hug.

    We lost our son Blue on Sept 24, 2016 at 21 Weeks. It was the hardest thing I have ever endured having to say goodbye to him and what I thought my life was going to be.
    I screamed and I cried, I mourned loudly and quietly and I still have moments when I think of him and cry. It does get better though. Slowly yet surely, the pain of this grief will lessen, although you will always miss her.
    For me, it took about nine months of being depressed and angry before I decided I wanted to be happy again.
    I remember the first time I left the house to get the mail I broke down and cried at the mail box. But felt so proud I left the house by myself.
    I found a really good online grief groups, talked to my husband constantly about how I was feeling and when I needed space I took it.
    Right now it is your time to be selfish. What happened is not ok and you didn’t deserve this. Take the time you need and know you are not alone.
    If you need anything feel free to send me a message.
    Sending much love hun. You an get Though this
     
  10. Bevziibubble

    Bevziibubble Well-Known Member

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    I'm so so sorry :cry::hugs::hugs:
     
  11. Indiroyal

    Indiroyal Member

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    I&#8217;m glad ur ok and I really hope I get there somehow. I&#8217;m angry all the time and when I&#8217;m not, I&#8217;m pretending to be ok. I&#8217;m so sad today. We got her ashes finally because it wasn&#8217;t enough that she&#8217;s gone, it took forever to cremate her. I feel so much sadness and I&#8217;m so angry. Today I thought why her and why not me? It&#8217;s torture for a mother. I look at my 10 yr old and feel guilty because I love Her but I&#8217;m not as invested in her lately. I know I have to continue and live but it&#8217;s so hard. No mother should have to feel this. Today is such a tough day. Sunday we&#8217;re letting her go in the ocean - her ashes and it&#8217;s eating me alive. I miss Her. I miss Her in my belly and I miss Her so much in the evening. She moved and moved so much. I miss Her in my life. I don&#8217;t know how to move on. Sometimes I don't want to move on.
     
  12. Myshelsong

    Myshelsong LTTTC #1 Bump

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    This is such a hard and emotional time. Getting the ashes is another painful reminder and you will find anniversaries or special dates you had marked will also be devastating.
    I remember getting his ashes. I still have them in my bedroom. We picked out a little heart for them to sit in but never displayed it. The first week I held that heart to my chest and cried and screamed for hours. I was very dramatic, but it was the only thing that felt right.
    I know you are feeling guilty about your daughter, but you need to grieve this. You need to talk about her to your daughter and explain what is going on. She is young but she will understand your pain.
    Just take one breath at a time. Grief is like the ocean, it will come in waves, sometimes small ones but some intense.
    I am better, but I will never be Michelle before the loss.
    If you want to join a secret fb group for grieving mothers let me know.
     
  13. Indiroyal

    Indiroyal Member

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    The ocean thing makes sense. Yesterday we drove down to Key West and let her ashes go with the wind. It wasn&#8217;t as emotional as I pictured it. It hurt and I was sad but I think it&#8217;s the closure that our family needed. I think I&#8217;ve accepted that I have To let her go and let her rest. She deserves it. I&#8217;m at peace today but who knows what tomorrow may bring. I miss Me, I miss Who I was Before this. I dont Think I&#8217;ll ever be that again but I&#8217;m going to try to live again. My family needs me, my daughter needs me and I need to be me. I want to live. I&#8217;m tired of hurting and as surreal and painful as this is I know I have To move on, somehow and I&#8217;m going to take it slow and day by day. I want To thank you all so much for your kind words and for being there for a total stranger. I needed This, to just vent without judgement.
     
  14. Wriggley

    Wriggley Well-Known Member

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    I am so very sorry for your loss x
     
  15. Wobbles

    Wobbles WoBbLeWoBbLe
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    I'm so sorry for your loss

    <3 gentle hug <3
     

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