Lost my mum

Discussion in 'Baby Club' started by andbabymakes3, Dec 12, 2009.

  1. andbabymakes3

    andbabymakes3 Just me and my girl

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    And I need help. Dont know where to turn.

    My mum was diagnosed in jan 09 - 2 days after I found out I was pregnant. She went through chemo and radiotherapy, and on the 12th Nov we were told the treatment hadnt worked and she only had 1-12mths left. 8 days later she was gone. I was with her for the final 12 hours of her life, held her hand whilst she went.

    My little girl slept through the night last night, from 10.30 til 7.30am. First time. I wanted to call my mum and tell her cos I was so happy.

    I cant cope. I´m not coping. I need help. Any advice? Please? Has anyone gone through anything similar and can offer advice/guidance/words of wisdom?
     
  2. jojo2605

    jojo2605 Mom to Sam & Dylan

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    Oh my gosh hunnie I am so, so sorry for your loss. I cannot offer any help but I just wanted to say a close friend of mine lost her mom in June and gas understandably been devastated by it-all I can really say is draw strength from your family and be together. Take any offer if counselling as this helped my friend a lot. Huge hugs to u Hun, no matter what ppl say in way of comfort it really won't help u at the moment I'm sure but I just wanted to send u hugs x
     
  3. flower01

    flower01 Expecting Baby 3!!

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    aww darling im so sorry for your loss.
    I dont have loads of advice but when i lost my beloved step father i found talking about him helped. Do you have someone to talk to? your partner? its still early days and with xmas approaching its not going to be the best of times. Only time will make it a little better.

    Talk to someone about your mum, remember her and all the things she did in her life, talk about how her death has left you feeling. If nothing else it will let someone else know exactly how your feeling.

    keep smiling hun. I bet your mums looking down and watching you and Holly, and super proud of you both too! = 0 )

    xx
     
  4. Lu28

    Lu28 Aisling's mammy

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    Hon I'm so so sorry you're going through this. I'm in exactly the same position although the loss isn't as raw. My mum passed from cancer 5 years ago and I have found that I've missed her most since finding out I was pregnant. There are so many things I want to ask her and tell her about and it kills me that Aisling will never know just how amazing she was. It sounds like a cliche but she really was my best friend and there's a massive hole, especially now.

    I don't really have any words of wisdom for you I'm afraid. It's strange, the pain doesn't go away but you find a way to live with it without it taking over. There are always going to be times which are worse though and I think becoming a mum for the first time is definitely one of them.

    Please do pm me if you ever need to talk :hugs:
     
  5. Foogirl

    Foogirl Baby Abby 11 weeks early

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    You can still talk to her. Sometimes saying the words out loud as if you are having the conversation, really helps. You could even talk to a photo of her.

    I would also ask your local GP if they have a support group you could join. Some people find these really useful.

    I can't imagine having to go through what you are going through, it must be so hard. :hugs:
     
  6. nikkip75

    nikkip75 Well-Known Member

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    im so sorry for your loss x

    im sorry ive never been through anything like this, only know my cousins wife went through the same thing and she went to counselling, also my best friend lost her mum about 8 years ago now and although she misses her everyday and still has bad days when she gets upset she also went to counselling and it really helped her.

    i would go to see your doctor and see what they can do to help. sometimes talking to a stranger who just listens is what you need.

    :hugs:
     
  7. andbabymakes3

    andbabymakes3 Just me and my girl

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    Thanks guys. Just really struggling today.

    I'm angry at the world - its my bubbas first Xmas and we were meant to be Xmas tree shopping today, but cos I feel so shitty I have locked myself away all afternoon. I cant quite make sense of it all.
     
  8. andbabymakes3

    andbabymakes3 Just me and my girl

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    And to add to it all, my milk is failing me - I am taking domperidone, expressing, still bfing when possible - but we are having to top up with more and more formula. Which is rubbish.
     
  9. vanessayogini

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    my mama was diagnosed on august of 06 and was gone in feb of 07.
    i have missed her so much throughout my pregnancy and childbirth. saying i missed her so much is an understatement, while i consider myself talented at expressing myself i do not have the words to describe how hard it has been without my mother.
    it has been 2 and a half years and honestly time has been the only thing that has lessened the pain somewhat. it has not gone away, and i never expect it to. i can deal with the pain by thinking of my time with her, talking about her with others, writing about her, making art about her, things like that..but those things have also made me feel worse at times. it depends on how you are feeling that day, that moment. i wish i could give you an easy suggestion of how to deal...but there isn't one.
    i think of how her energy surrounds me, how she IS here, giggling with her granddaughter and i, making dinner with me (i can hear her dictating recipes to me, "don't touch the meat too much, it'll make your hamburgers gummy", "everything starts with a boil") giving me looks when i know she would disapprove with things i do (which makes me laugh, because even if she disapproved she would have supported me), and knowing that i can feel her in my bones and blood and in my baby, i comforted a lot by that.
    i am so sorry for your loss, time really does help, and the love of others helps too. especially your new little girl and your partner.
    i send you my deepest love and healing energies.
     
  10. Lu28

    Lu28 Aisling's mammy

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    Please don't put too much pressure on yourself hon. You are not failing Holly in any way by giving her some formula. Bfing is difficult at the best of times, never mind with what you're going through.

    I remember our first Christmas without mum. We accepted the fact early on that it was going to be difficult so we got the decorations down, had a big bottle of wine and told loads of Christmas mum stories while we put up the decorations. Lots of crying but just as much laughing and it felt like she was involved in our Christmas somehow :hugs:
     
  11. becstar

    becstar Sleep is for the weak

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    Oh my darling, I'm so sorry. I know it's not the same but I lost Nana last Christmas when I was pregnant and all the time I want to call my nan and tell her what Ilana's been doing, and see her hold her... It hurts.

    There isn't a magic cure, you just have to let yourself be. It's so soon since she died, your grief is so fresh and it is normal to have mixed feelings of joy and devastation every day, at the same time even! Your mum is here still watching you, feeling proud of you... she knows about last night and is thrilled for you, you know it. We never really lose the ones we love, it just hurts so much to not be able to hold them and hear them.

    Do you have a piece of her clothing you can make into a lovey for you LO when she's old enough? Ilana has a patchwork ball made by my mum and one of the pieces is from my nana's blouse... it helps me when i see La playing with it. I also have a charm bracelet with a teapot charm for Nana who loved tea... Little things help me remember her and are tributes to her. Can you buy or make a special tree decoration as a tribute you'll have forever so she's 'with you' each Christmas?

    These aren't immediate things, just things that helped me. in the meantime, go easy on yourself. Stress and grief and not eating well will affect your milk supply so do try to keep eating if you can, but even if it does dry up it's not the end of the world. Think of yourself as well.

    Thinking of you and your family.

    x
     
  12. pip holder

    pip holder Well-Known Member

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    :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

    This time of year IS going to be crappy for you - don't you worry about Holly, she's too little to be upset by this so just look after yourself and if you want to sit in and have a cry - it's fine.
    I'm so so sorry for you having to go through this :hugs: :cry:

    And a massive congratulations on the sleeping all night! :happydance:
     
  13. Seraphim

    Seraphim Amazing Baby Girl

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  14. Lulu

    Lulu 1 dude & 1 dudette

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    It's been just over 14 years since my mum died and there are still some days where it's the hardest thing to deal with, especially being pregnant and now with Euan growing and chaning every day.

    But as the old cliche goes, times is a great healer. You're in a really difficult time just now, everything is very raw and it's understandable that you're angry at the world. Who wouldn't be, at times life is cr*p. Let yourself feel like this, don't beat yourself up about it.

    You will feel better though :) You find ways of dealing with grief, everybody is different so do things your way. Talk about your mum, talk to her as if she is still in the room with you.

    Go easy on yourself :hugs:
     
  15. kiki

    kiki Mum to Kirsty and Caidan

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    Oh sweetheart, my heart goes out to you. I have been through the pain of losing my dad, so I do know what it is like. I know when Caidan was born I was over the moon but it was tinged with sadness because he would never see his Grandpa and because I felt my Dad had been cheated out of knowing Caidan.

    The cliche is true, time is a great healer, but that is of no help to you at the moment.

    After my dad died, I, like you was very angry at the world and also at him, for leaving us. I spent many a night in the living room at 4 in the morning just shouting at him, crying, asking why he had to leave, but also talking to him, telling him what I had been doing, how my mum was etc. It might sound stupid, but I got that anger out and felt once I had, I could start accepting and moving on.

    It must be even worse, because like you said,when Holly does something like sleep through the night, all you want to do is tell your mum, but you can STILL tell her, she will hear you even if she cant talk back.
    Talk about her, start NOW telling your little girl all about her wonderful gran, so she will know all about her and feel like she knows her when she is older.

    I am sending huge hugs to you, and, if you want to pm me then please do, I dont know if I can be of any help but I will certainly try to be.

    Thinking of you honey

    xxx
     
  16. andbabymakes3

    andbabymakes3 Just me and my girl

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    I talk to mum every day, I chat to her as I walk around the house...we are having some of the flowers from her coffin thingy (dont know the florist term!) preserved and put into a frame with a piccy for Holly. I have her photos up around the house.

    I just miss her so much and am so mad at the universe for taking her away. She waited her whole life to be a nan, and in the end only got 3 months. It not fair and I am very very angry.

    My OH is dealing with it in a blokey way - ie being very introverted (is that the right word lol??) - he was with me and mum all the way through, right until the end, so is also grieving.

    Oh I dont know. I'm just so sad. I miss her so much. She was all the family I had - I'm an only child and I dont really speak to my dad (he lives in Spain anyhoo).
     
  17. v2007

    v2007 Well-Known Member

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    Awww darling im so sorry for your loss.

    Even though you cant call her on the fone, you can tell her out loud.

    Im so sorry that she didnt get to stay on Earth to watch you all grow old and wrinkly, but im sure she is watching over you and your family.

    V xxxxx
     
  18. becstar

    becstar Sleep is for the weak

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    Those are such nice ideas...

    You're right, it isn't fair. Not at all. I'm so sorry it has happened.
     
  19. Kitten

    Kitten Mummy to Theakston & Nyah

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    So sorry to hear about your loss :(

    I can only reiterate the wonderful advice the others have given. Definitely talk to her out loud if you feel comfortable doing so and it may not seem it but it does get easier.
     
  20. NIfirsttimer

    NIfirsttimer Proud mum, new wife & WTT

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    big hugs hun
    i lost my mum 4 years ago. its the hardest thing ever but you WILL get thru it. there nothing you can do but take each day as it comes and just survive... it does get easier. i still miss my mum every single day, even more since i had ruby, but it does get easier to deal with after a while....
    just keep talking. dont bottle it up, talk about her all day every day if you need too... hiding from it just makes it worse in the long run..
    when you feel sad, feel proud too... and look at your little girl and know that part of her is your mum... that helps me. even tho my mum never got to see me become a mummy, or meet my amazing baby girl, i know that shes within her, and that gives me comfort too......
    big hugs xxx
     

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