Mental health issues and motherhood (warning sensitive subjects)

[RoxieHart]

I've got some questions for you all..

I really need to do this. I don't even know what I want to write but I feel I've got to let it out in some form or another. I'm being really brave too right now because I've always kept things quiet. I hope people's opinions of me don't change. And I really hope noone I know is reading this lol..

I'm an eating disorder survivor. A severe deppresion survivor. And my main flaw, a self harming survivor. I choose the word survivor because I 'feel' like I've got passed it all. These issues started in my early teens and lasted for a good few years, they came to an end as soon as I found out I was pregnant.

Don't get me wrong. I'm fine right now. It's not about that. I just need help letting go completely...

As soon as I found out I was pregnant, it all stopped, somewhere for some reason out of nowhere, I found a strength within me I have never found or felt before, and I realised it was for my daughter, because I knew I couldn't be like this having a child. I ate well during pregnancy, I was very happy, didn't sink into any deep deppression moods, (the hardest times were arguments with my ex, FOB, they were very stressful but I managed) and the last time I self harmed was a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant. This is the longest it's ever been, over a year now ... I'm quite proud of myself.

I don't want to raise concern about myself being a Mum. This is why if there was ever any problems I wouldn't go to see a doctor anymore because I'd be terrified they would think I couldn't look after LO properly. I know I can say hands down I am a good mum! Infact I'm a better mum then even I expected. I rarely let myself get stressed out, I enjoy every day with her, I'm coping with the strains of parenthood really well, and I'm doing it all alone. But I can't help feeling really worried for the future deep down... The issues are embedded in me. They have been with me for so long. How long do they stay hidden? What happens if they come back? I look at my daughter and get so frightened that they might. Everyone would hate me. Including my daughter. My biggest parenting method is actually focusing on how things can affect my daughter psychologically, how anything i DO as a parent, could affect her, because I don't want her to have a fucked up head like her mummy did... But there are certain things I see or do that are so triggering ... Mostly for my self harm.

My wrists are covered in scars. That's triggering enough in itself, I see them every day and have the constant reminder. I can never eat right, i always binge, go on fad diets, or not eat all day, my views on food are still distorted however healthy i try to be, or come across to people. There are things I watch on TV, or see on the Internet or memories that randomly pop up of exact moments of distress, self harming, they literally take me back to the smell, the sensations, the relief and the feelings and its so triggering honestly, I've caught myself imagining what it would feel like to do it again. But I can't do this to my baby. I've stopped for so long!

I know people sometimes catch a glimpse of my scars and make judgments. Would you? If you saw them and then me with a baby, honestly?

Luckily I haven't felt deppressed since having my beautiful beautiful girl. Havent had low moods. I mostly keep myself very busy with mummy chores for those moods to ever happen. Most I've had has been baby blues, and I've had suspected post natal OCD and anxiety but that's getting much more manageable now ..

So questions ...

What's your truthful opinion on parents with mental health issues?

How do you think I can get rid of these issues imbedded in my head, and say goodbye for good?

Does this all make me a bad parent?

Has anyone else suffered with any similar issues? .. I know it's personal, but it's nice sometimes to not feel alone.

Sorry this is so long.. I've obviously only briefly discussed my issues. Nothing i write will ever come close to the feelings I've felt during all of this, but it's just a general understanding ..

Thank you for reading ladies x

 

[kates84]

Sweetheart, I can only speak for myself an, ex counselor who had her own hidden "issues", a mother and a fellow human....

No I do not judge you. No it does NOT make you a bad parent. As for how to say goodbye to your issues for good - honestly, I don't think one ever fully does. But that doesn't mean they remain scary and awful - they become something you look back on to see how far you have progressed and eventually you will be proud of all you managed to overcome.

As for parents with mental health issues overall - some issues worry me. But ONLY the ones that cause the kind of psychosis that makes parents aggressive, emotionally destructive or violent to a child.

You lady are a bloody inspiration. Stop feeling ashamed because you really and truly have done wonderfully.

I won't go in to too much detail here but if you ever need to talk, PM me any time x

 

[RoxieHart]

Sweetheart, I can only speak for myself an, ex counselor who had her own hidden "issues", a mother and a fellow human....

No I do not judge you. No it does NOT make you a bad parent. As for how to say goodbye to your issues for good - honestly, I don't think one ever fully does. But that doesn't mean they remain scary and awful - they become something you look back on to see how far you have progressed and eventually you will be proud of all you managed to overcome.

As for parents with mental health issues overall - some issues worry me. But ONLY the ones that cause the kind of psychosis that makes parents aggressive, emotionally destructive or violent to a child.

You lady are a bloody inspiration. Stop feeling ashamed because you really and truly have done wonderfully.

I won't go in to too much detail here but if you ever need to talk, PM me any time x

Thank you so much! This gave me butterflies ! Xxx

 

[Athena]

I can only reply quickly as LO just stirring but wanted to say you are a lovely mummy I have read your posts on here and always thought that. You have also been really kind to me in a couple of posts and I just think you are a genuinely good person. The fact that you have had issues in the past as many mummys have would never change my opinion on that. I've had to work through some stuff too, and can truely understand the worries that you may have. As Kate said, please pm me if you need to talk xx

 

[LeoLeah77]

Neither would I judge you. You've come very far. With issues that deep you have managed to overcome them while you were pregnant with your daughter - that is love, determination and courage. You should be very proud of yourself. I have only experienced proper depression and anxiety after my daughter was born. When I had depression I constantly worried about the welfare of my lg under my own supervision. I questioned whether I could cope and whether I could go on looking after my lg. I thought I was absolutely plain crazy. It was just depression. I went on medication and weeks after I was completely fine again. I often worry now whether I will get those horrible, intrusive thoughts and feelings again but you just have to let them roll through your mind and let them roll back out again. Then distract yourself. I feel like I will be forever fighting horrible thoughts but you just have to stay positive and don't get too stressed when you feel them coming on. Just act like its normal and they will pass. The less you make a big deal out of them, the easier they will pass.

 

[twobecome3]

i feel ya. i was an absolute mess. did a 180 when ttc and am now rocking life. just needed something to focus on (LO) to get out of my head.
will always have to fight it a bit i think, my brain is just prone to wayward thoughts. now i know the 1-2-3 coping skills, food-exercise-redirect thoughts.

for all the questions you have, honestly, the answers dont matter. take life one day at a time. dont be too hard on yourself if u have a down day. just keep looking forward hun

trying to make sense of it just keeps your mind focused on the negatives just gotta know that youre strong and capable.

 

[hopeful4bfp]

All I can really say is CONGRATULATIONS!! You are a survivor!! I work on the floor in a psychiatric hospital and have heard and seen some horrible things. I have suffered with cutting and bouts of depression my self. I havent cut in many years but the thought is still there when things get tough. I currently fight my urge of my substitute, tattoos, to this day. I think that if you truly fear that you will start again and want to work through it, then I would suggest professional help. I would never judge someone for their past especially when it deals with mental health. I think that someone that is getting help with a problem will be a better and healthier person all together than one that not only stresses about the problem but tries to hide it all together.

It sounds like you have a form of PTSD with flashbacks. I personally would want to get help before my lo is old enough to understand and even work with a professional on the best way to approach and explain your scars to your daughter.

Good luck and Congratulations again!! It is hard but it sounds like your daughter has the best mommy she can have, one that loves her more than her illness compluses her and that is amazing!!

 

[SaraEmily]

This definitely doesn't make you a bad mom. Mental health issues need to be talked about more, especially with mothers, since it's so common. I also have a history of self harm, and I know how you feel when strangers catch glimpses of the scars and a couple people have even made comments on how "disgusting" they are, but I try not to let it bother me, because the scars are OLD, and totally in the past. It'll always be a part of me, but I refuse to let it define me now.

I hate knowing that one day I'll have to explain to my daughter why I have all these scars, and that motivates me to never fall back into it because I'd hate for her to see new ones and worry if her mom will be okay.

Do talk to a therapist if you can. Look up Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It basically helps you to understand what causes you to self harm, and how to change those behaviors and not fall back into it again. It helped me tremendously. And as the years go by, the less fresh on my mind it is and honestly I don't even really think about it anymore except when I catch people staring. But it bothers me less and less.

I can tell by your posts that you're a good, caring mom. Don't let this make you doubt that.

 

[sequeena]

This will probably be a long post so please bear with me. Typos are because imusing my phone and I have fat fingers.

I have been batrling depression for a long time. I'm 24 and I've been 'ill' since I was around 11. It might be even longer. I didn't have a great childhood. I'm not looking for sympathy I've had counselling and I am moving on with my life. My biological father was physically abusive towards my disabled mother and me. My first memory is of him about to hit me when I was 3 because I dropped toast and my sister (15 years older than me) stepped in. I would often witness my father hitting my mother. Once he grabbed her by her hair and dragged her along the pavement outside my house. I was thrown head first into our fridge (and had a lovely bruise to go with it).

Annyway. My mum finally had the courage to leave him when I was 8. Just as I turned 11 my then steo father came into my life. He was a typicsl step dad at fielrst. Gave me sweets, let me stay home from school etc. I had no idea he was grooming me. The sexual abuse started from there. I was forced/coerced to do pretty much anything and everything you can imagine. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with this but sometimes I enjoyed it. Imnot ashamed any more I was a child who wanted lovs desperately and the human body is built to react in certain ways - I was never held down or slapped about etc so never had the disgust for it even though i knew it was wrong.

Time moved on and at 19 I grabbed an opportunity to move out (by this point I was disgusted. My abuser had become very controlling I slept on a camp bed in the living room and wasnt allowed my own room because he used it to store his porn and knives). I met my OH, broke down one night and told him everything, swore him to secrecy and moved on. I have always been able to push things away and pretend Iit didn't happen or it happened to someone else. The brain is amazing at protecting us.

One night when I was 20 I had a tearful phone call from my sister. Her daughter (my niece who was 17) had rang her. She was in a car with my abuser and he had assaulted her. I got to my mum's house as fast as I could. As I arrived the police were arresting my abuser (at the time he admitted everything). I made a chiice then to come forward for my niece. She was still a child. The police were great and tok us to a sarc centre.

This was march 2010. April 2010 just before my 21st birthday I lost the plot. I can't really remember what happened but that was the first time I self harmed. I refused to go to the hospital and instead went to my doctor to br treated. I was put onto anti depressants and assessed by mental health nurses who put me on a waiting list for counselling.

October 2010 I was a month away from giving evidence in courtm I lost the plot again. Took a lot of paracetamol and aspirin and self harmed for the second and final time. My oh stopped me before I could slit my wrists but I didnt tell him about the overdose.

I want to say now for anyone who has got this far and is aghast I am sirry but you must understand I was very ill. I'd surpressed almost 10 years of abuse and carried immense guilt for what happened to my niece. I honestly did not care if I lived or died. I will forever feel guilt for putting my oh throigh that.

The next morning around 8am I started vomitting black liquidm this went on every 10 minutes until 3pm. I told oh I had a bug. Finally I came to my senses and told my oh who immediately rang an ambulance. The hospital did not pump my stomach as id started bringing up bile. I had glue and butterfly stitches for my wounds and regular liver tests (all clear thank god).

When I got home I told oh I could not ttc anymore (ttc for 23 months at that point). I was in no fit state. That same day my mum rang (oh told her what happened). Instead of support I got abuse. My niece felt like I was taking all the attention from her she had gone through a lot (I won't divulge what happened but she went through nowhere near what I did it's not a contsst just a fact). I was crushed I told my mum and sis specifically to loom aftwr her and don't worry about me. My mum then blamed for my disability (which happened just after my sister was born and years before I was thought about). To preserve what was left of my sanity I cut them out of my life.

November 2010 we went to court. I gave evidence via video link. It was an awful time but I knew there would be a good outcome.

December 3rd 2010 I found out I was pregnant. I couldnt believe it. Half an hour later I was told my abuser was found not guilty of all 15 charges. Honestly if id not been pregnant I wouldntbe here now.

I decided then I would change. Shit happens time to move on and be a good mum.

It worked. Despite having a shit pregnancy, my son habing sepsis at 2 weeks old and the neighbours from hell I coped. Except when T was 7 weeks I broke down in front of my hv and was subsequently diagnosed with pnd. It was an awful time I wouldn't go out wouldn't even open the curtains.

We've had a lot of problems with my son and I constantly blamed myself.

October 2012 I finally got into counselling. It was hard so so hard to go every week and talk about what happened but slowly it got better. I cried whem I finished in april 2013 because my counsellor was amazing.

Its been 2 years and 9 months since I self harmed and overdosed. My life has changed so much. I am a survivor but surviving means I have a daily battle witu stauing healthy. I am still nervous around knivesm that will always stay with me.

Yoh are a good mum no matter wyat anyone thinksm people need to walk a mile in our shoes we are amazing for going through whay we did and coming out on tue other side. I worry for my son constantly and what people sill think of me. I dontthink ive been this honest on bnb before. I hope no one thinks im horrible

I need to stop now I can't see the keyboard on my phone haha but you are not alone please pm me if you ever feel down I will never judge. Good job mum

 

[sequeena]

My mother blamed me for her disability. Sorry. Typo.

 

[onetwothreebp]

You are not alone.

I currently suffer from an eating disorder as well. I have battled with food since I was 10 years old and a classmate told me I was fat. It had never occurred to me before that I was fat. I was never the same after that.

It's not something I like to discuss, but it is something I try to work on because I don't want to impart any negative feelings towards food/weight on my son. I try to keep him from junk food so he doesn't get fat, but I will let him have treats and reassure myself that he'll be okay. It's something I want to really tackle because I am now expecting a daughter and the thought of my daughter having the same issues I do makes me cry.

Regarding parents with mental issues, I'm a severe PND survivor. There were days when my son was a baby that I had fantasies of leaving him at the mall where somebody more motherly and capable could raise him. After months of resentment and despising my son, my OH encouraged me to seek help. It was a very dark period for our family and I knew my relationship with OH was at stake so I sought help with a therapist. I am a new woman these days and have a great bond with my son.

Hang in there.

 

[sequeena]

Onetwothree you're doing great you should be proud.

I Had similar thoughts. I thoughtThomas hated me I was an awful mum my oh should leave me and find someone else etc.

 

[MetalMaiden]

it has been maybe about 5 years since i have cut, and I have experienced all of the above (depression ect, not sexual abuse). I know I am a great mom and I can tell you are too. our struggles do not determine what kind of parents we are.... i know how you feel in hoping that our LO's don't take up the same habits because my heart would break if i saw my LO sitting, crying in the bathroom cutting herself 14 years down the road. I self harmed for probably 10 years. I was depressed. I started getting tattoos and piercings also to substitute. I don't think I had had a real eating disorder but when I lost my angel in 2009 I lost alot of weight fast and didn't eat for a good long while. All i can say is I've been there, take one day at a time, and hopefully it will all be distant memory. It won't come back if you don't let it. We do all have our weak times but although I can't talk to my family about it because im embarassed, I can talk to DF about it and he understands. A change of scenario is good... i moved out here like three and a half years ago and am in a much better state of mind... i might be able to move back and carry on. I am stronger now than I used to be. Thank you girls for sharing your stories and esp you Sequeena, you have really been through alot and all you girls are amazing this was a it of a ramble because its kind of a big dark blur but I have been there. hugs again
eta: i dont get the urge to cut myself alot like i used to but i cant say the thought doesnt cross my mind the odd time... i just gotta distract myself. i think its all about distraction, and changing my train of thought to positive ones

 

[sequeena]

You're very brave too metalmaiden. We all have our secrets. I hope othee mums reading thiswho are struggling can take comfort and know tthere's a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[crissyj]

I never had an eating disorder but as a teen I self harmed and was depressed as well. Nothing special helped me get over these things, just my friends and time. I cannot give the best advice or maybe even quite what your looking for but I sont think you can 'get rid of' completely, they are a part of who you are and have made you a stronger person. I think each day you focus on the good for you and for your daughter that it will become less and less a part of your life though.
I think parents with mental issues can be excellent parents but only if they have a good support system and someone to be accountable to. What I mean by that is you need to have someone who is aware of your past and who you check in with regularly so that if something happens and you take a downward spiral for some reason that it won't get out of hand and affect your daughter.
I don't know you but I am proud of you for getting well for your daughter and staying well despite having to do it without FOB, women without mental illness have extremes difficulties with being single moms so cudos to you!

 

[missjennakate]

Sorry to butt in but I just read through this thread and have just got to say how incredible you ladies are. My eyes were welling up reading your stories. Not out of pity but how you have all overcome so many hard hard times. You really are all an inspiration and kids cannot go wrong with a parent who is inspirational. Wishing you all the best in your futures xx

 

[sequeena]

It's late but I've been tthinking about this thread. I've come a long way but still have a way to go. I generally don't leave the house unless my oh is with me. If I do it's short journeys - the shop, park (and I always worry that other people will be there) etc. Waiting for a bus is nerve wracking. I worry I will miss it so I'm usually there 15 minutes early. Then I wirry there will be no room for a pram and I'll have to either fold it or wait for another bus.

I hate making or receiving phone calls. The only person I can tolerate it with is my oh. My oh has passwords for things like my phone contract so he can speak on my behalf. I've been putting off an important phone call to my solicitor for about a week now.

I think I have social anxiety. Well I know I do but I mean the medical condition. This means I'll have to see my doctor. Damn. I worked on this with my counsellor... for the most part I lied. I didn't think it was a big deal compared to everything else..

Crap bugger shit. This is not going to be easy.and now I really should go to sleep.

 

[RoxieHart]

Thank you so much ladies! I actually love you guys!

I hope you don't think I'm rude as I haven't replied to you individually, but when I get a spare moment I'm going to PM you all privately if that's okay!

In regards to the experiences you have all shared, thank you so much. Even I didn't have enough courage in my first post to talk about what experiences have made me like this. It's pretty much everything you have all mentioned. Sexual abuse, relationship abuse, absent father, being bullied for being fat and ugly, slightly unstable mother (she's much better now) ... It's so difficult to over come.

You are all an inspiration !

 

[Mrs Bee]

You guys are inspirational.... Reading your stories brought me to tears...you are amazing strong women and your children are so blessed to have you in their lives

 

[SMoose]

Ladies that shared their stories- wow, what strength you all have! That is a lot to overcome, and you are survivors - but most of all you are fighters! It takes a damn lot of courage to face past demons and not let them overcome you again. Like many other ladies have said, very inspirational. You are amazing moms and can impart that tenacity and strength to your kids- don't ever feel like a bad mom.