MIL question?

[pinklizzy]

Hi girls,
Not sure if this is the right place but I find the rest of the forum a little scary still Just a quick question about MILs. OH and I aren't married but we live together and have been together for 3 years. OH's mum is a nice lady although she can be a bit difficult-OH is an only child and she has limited mobility so he used to do a lot to help her when he lived at home.
At the moment she isn't talking to me as 'I don't interact with her enough', she expects me to ring her every day just to chat, go over on my days off etc.
I'm quite a shy person and am not really a fan of talking on the phone, I only really talk to my mum! As for my days off, they are so few and far between that I don't want to spend them with OH's parents, especially as all we usually do is sit around and watch tv. MIL also smokes heavily which I hate.
So my question is this, am I just odd? Do you all have a close relationship with your OH's mothers? It's really getting me down as I don't like to upset people but I don't see what else I can do, feel like she's manipulating me?

 

[SazMum]

Hi,

Oh my poor you!!! Although I like my in-laws. we do see differently on alot of things. I am in my twenties, they are in their 70's and to be honest are still living in 1960!

Since having Ameila the following have been mentioned (repeatedly):

"You will have to get rid of that cat, she will sleep on the babies face"
"Dont stand her up, she will get bow legs"
"you cant do that, she will get piles" when refering to Amelia lying on the floor.
"Have you topped her up with formula yet?" the first thing she said to me after the birth when I was breastfeeding.

Blah blah. You get the picture, its old fashioned. I find the best way for me to deal with mil is to keep my distance. I go and see them on my terms, about once a fortnight. Mil likes to ring up randomly and chat (im not a great phone talker either) and also pop round regularly uninvited. I now lock the door and have caller display to minimise this!

The most annoying thing is that she wants to know what everyone is doing ALL THE TIME! I have my own life and what business is it of hers to know where I was yesterday. She also likes to slag off other members of the family to me and OH which is inappropriate.

Sorry for the rant, I could go all day. They arnt that bad and their hearts are in the right place. I think the thing to remember is that you are not their daughter and they cant tell you what to do, or guilt trip you into what they want. Unfortunatly I think everybody struggles with the inlaws, you just have to try and keep the peace and get along. Try not to put your OH in the middle and when the inlaws are being awkward just try to ignore it.

I really do appreciate everything my inlaws have done and do to for me, they are wonderful people. They just aint My mum and dad!!

You ever wanna vent give me a shout!! Good luck!

 

[pinklizzy]

Thanks so much! I've bitten the bullet and rung to invite them for lunch in a couple of weeks-the only day OH and I have off together this month! She was really off hand with me and said she would have to check her diary Anyways, I've made the first move and I think I'll have to make more of an effort to chat to her.

 

[SazMum]

Yeh, I think MILs have a permanent problem with hormones (or that could be us), I guess for them they have always been the head of the household, knowing whats going on with everybody etc. Then we come along take their Son away and leave them feeling a bit unneeded.

Although I wont leave Amelia with them for too long, occassionaly we pop to the pub over the road after shes in bed. That way they feel like they are babysitting and helping us out but as the baby is asleep they dont really need to do anything.

I guess it must be hard for them too. Well done on making the first move though, its not easy. Just let her sulk a bit, she will come round eventually!

 

[lozzy21]

Mil are the devil put on earth to make our lives hell

 

[pinklizzy]

Mil are the devil put on earth to make our lives hell

 

[HollySSmith]

No your not strange, welcome to the club though! My MIL has been hoping that I get 'accidentally' pregnant since I was 19 (I'm now 26). She has even asked to be with me in the doctors office when I get my pap (can anyone say ewwwww? ) She has randomly shown up at our house, called non-stop and virtually took over my wedding! Don't get me wrong I truly love her and she does these things because she thinks it means she cares.
It took me a good while to get used to the non-stop attention BUT dh and I had to meet a compromise when it came to his family.
1. I would endure the 5 min hugs, non-stop kissing and fussing when in her presence
2. She would not be welcome in our house unless she called ahead. PERIOD.
3. That he would not agree to every dinner, party, camp, play, movie or any other type of inivitation without discussing it with me FIRST, otherwise he was going alone!
4. That he understand that we need our own private time, and that we do not need to call everyday or see each other several times a week. We're adults RIGHT?

So your not alone. Its seems the other ladies have their issues too. Try to have a discussion with your hubby about this and remember to try to compromise. You don't want to alienate him from his mom but you need your space too. Try to work out a happy medium.

Hope it helps!

 

[elmaxie]

Oh dear...you definately not odd.

I used to put up with my MIL.

She expected my hubby to go over EVERY sunday for his dinner when he was off work. Would moan when I never went too (I worked Mon-Fri so the weekend was my only days off and I was not spending it there!)
She would phone us up drunk to chatand if she thought we were being "off" would swear abuse down the phone at hubby.
She then went on to ruin my wedding day by being so drunk and also making us wait while she and my FIL opened our wedding cards for the best woman to read during her speech (something we specifically DID NOT WANT!)

But still for the sake of OH I "Put up" with her and FIL until 3 weeks after Nathan was born.
We were meant to go over for coffee (they live 40 mins away!) but cancelled last minute as baby was up during night and we were all tired and that was the start of it...they turned round and ripped my family apart and how noone likes us as we gave out days and times for people to visit us when we were home(we were working around our new routine!)

Its now at the point I no longer have anything to do with them...they refuse to accept they have done ANYTHING wrong at all thoughout (obviously I have put a very short version since this has gone on 14 weeks ish with a different incident every week!) I had just had a baby and they werent supportive at all and were selfish.

I just wish it hadnt happened but there was only so much I can cope with really before I snap and have to cut things/people out my life that are no good!

Good Luck and you have to stand your ground...its your life after all!

Emma.xx

 

[pinklizzy]

I can't believe your in-laws behaved like that Emma, that's awful!

 

[elmaxie]

Unfortunately it is awful.

They have only had phone conversations since Nathan was about 3 weeks...mainly accusing us of being awkward etc etc...but at the end of the day they are missing out as we have never stopped them in any way from visiting Nathan. Unfortunately arranging a time for them to come is us dictating to them. Oh well.

I hope it doesnt get that far with yours!



Emma.xx

 

[pinklizzy]

Well, today was the day! It went ok, all things considered although lunch turned into them staying for 8 hours and my house stinks of cigarette smoke! I managed to escape for a couple of hours though, went to monitor an anaesthetic for a puppy downstairs!
Hopefully this will put the relationship back on a slightly better footing as she's my lovely OH's mum and for his sake I want us to get on, at least be civil. The one thing it has confirmed though is that she will never be looking after our LO in the future-she just smokes waay too much!

 

[PnutProtector]

i am very fortunate that my future MIL lives in England and OH and I live in the US. The In-laws only come over (or we go over there) once a year for about two weeks at a time. They do call every sunday, but that's not so bad. OH talks to them and I just make sure that he tells them all our news and/or asks the questions that need asking.

that's terrible what both of your MIL's are doing! They all want to be in control don't they??

 

[nightkd]

I'm same as you, I'm shy and don't really like interacting with people I don't know that well (at least!) especially on the phone!! It freaked me out a little bit when DH left me alone with his dad and mum for 10 minutes!! You're not odd at all. I think she's probably lonely or something, but she shouldn't expect you to go over there and talk to her/keep her company constantly to keep her entertained! You have better things to do! Plus imo it's a bit creepy to go and visit your MIL and talk to her every day like a best friend! I don't even talk to my mum on the phone every week!

You're not weird, I'd just get on with it. It's not like you're intentionally ignoring her or something.. My ex's mum was weird and bitched about me behind my back because I was quiet and didn't really enjoy spending time with her...She also made a big deal because I whispered to my OH when we were sat in the living room watching telly, simply because I didn't want to talk over the telly and distract them all!!! Sooo not worth it!

Just get on with your life, visit her and talk to her when YOU want to and she'll just have to deal with it!!

 

[amyclaire]

.... not yet married... and hate oh's mum -
thought they improved after marriage?? actually realised that we're adults and have our own lives... even if they dont??!
not the case? just it just get worse and worse?
xxx

 

[amazed]

I get on with my MIL but in small doses...she is very old fashioned... i tend to not really listen anymore... she slags people off wants to know everyones buisness..it drives me nuts!!!!

 

[princess_bump]

i don't think your odd at all, i think relationships with mil's can be very hard! atm i'm trying extra hard to form a proper relationship with mine, 4years after being with OH it is hard, but i think you must do what your comfortable with xx

 

[princess_bump]

Well, today was the day! It went ok, all things considered although lunch turned into them staying for 8 hours and my house stinks of cigarette smoke! I managed to escape for a couple of hours though, went to monitor an anaesthetic for a puppy downstairs!
Hopefully this will put the relationship back on a slightly better footing as she's my lovely OH's mum and for his sake I want us to get on, at least be civil. The one thing it has confirmed though is that she will never be looking after our LO in the future-she just smokes waay too much!

well done you! i could have written this bit, i want OH to be happy, but i want a friend in my mil too

 

[Pops]

I am very lucky with this as I love both my MIL and FIL. I have a fantastic relationship with them both, to the point of meeting my FIL for coffee at lunch times as we work in the same town and calling my MIL most days. I also happily just stop in there if OH is at work and I am at a loose end.

I am very close to my own parents too as is my OH so it is really nice for us to have such good relationships.

We have tea at each of theirs once a week every week and enjoy our time with them.

xxx

 

[bunnyg82]

You're definitely definitely not strange!! I think it's more unusual for people to get on perfectly with their MIL's and as Pops says, she's very lucky as it's not common to have such a positive relationship with the inlaws!!

I mostly get on ok with mine, they are good people really and I've gone on day trips with them without hubby if he's been away and stuff, but my god she drives me nuts a lot!! Sometimes my hubby says I am just being negative and trying to argue with him, which I totally believe is untrue and I do believe that a lot of the time she is being annoying!!

The thing I find most upsetting with her is her constantly telling us not to have kids - hubby doesn't defend us when she says this. She doesn't know we're trying soon but we've been married for over 7 years, unless she's stupid, she must know it's on our minds, so it really upsets me and the worse thing is, hubby is still quite immature when it comes to having grown up conversations, so he would never say anything to her! Grrr!!

I think it makes us stronger women! I would really hope that if I have a son I wont be like this, but it does seem that being a MIL instantly turns you irritating!! x

 

[SpecialK]

Haven't posted much here since I have been back in WTT but had to comment on this one. My DH has been away since July 27 and will not be returning until January 11. I live with his parents full time. Yikers...They mean well and they are generally nice people but some days I just want to scream!! They constantly make comments about how I do things...they do it in a 'joking' way but it really gets to you after a while. My FIL will argue with you for the sake of arguing and go against anything you say. Oh, and he blames everyone else for everything. Never takes responsibility for anything. He breaks a glass...it must be because someone didn't put it away correctly. And their house is a mess...they put clean dishes in the sink and then pour out liquids over the clean dishes... There's clutter all over the house and I'd try to clean but they would only get mad at me for 'moving' things.

Sorry...I went on a bit there...but I'm only in my 6th week and I have 19 weeks to go!!!

So...in the end my response to your post is...no, you are not weird or anything!