Miscarriage ..

Discussion in 'Baby Club' started by lilliesmummie, Nov 13, 2011.

  1. lilliesmummie

    lilliesmummie Well-Known Member

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    I know there's a loss forum, but I don't feel comfortable posting there as I've just had my lillie. Hope that's okay..
    Basically in November I found out I was about 8 weeks pregnant, two days after going to the doctors, I started to miscarry. (5th) then on the 22nd, I found out I was pregnant, and I had immediately conceived (comfort sex) it worked out I was about 16-17 days pregnant.. I was amazed and excited, but kept getting upset because I felt like I didn't care about my angel baby. To this day I still get upset, but I feel like I should be more upset. I feel like because lillie was conceived I just ignored my miscarriage? - I kind if see it like angel was taken from me to prepare me for lillie, I also see it as lillie is my glue- she came to us to hold me and OH together and so I didn't fall apart. I was just wondering if anyone is in the same boat? .. Or been there. I had a cry tonight because I felt such a bitch for letting angel go so easily :( :(

    Sorry it's long :(
     
  2. MajorBee

    MajorBee Well-Known Member

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    Didn't want to read and run. I don't have any advice, sorry. I've not experienced a MC but I suppose everyone manages losses of any kind differently. Don't feel bad.
     
  3. JackiePed

    JackiePed Guest

    I'm going to cautiously answer this as honestly as I can....
    We all handle m/c losses, particularly early ones, in different ways. Though it hurts all of us desperately, some of us personalize it more than others. For example, some give them names, honor their loss dates or 'birthdays' by due-dates, and grieve an actual baby for a long time. I didn't handle my losses that way. Trust me, I was still devastated. But I didn't name either one, nor did I even write down or want to remember what their due dates should have been. I grieved the loss of the potential child, but I didn't feel like I had lost a baby yet. Just that I had lost the chance for one. I'm not saying I don't think a fetus is a baby... I am also strongly against abortion. But... while still in first trimester, I simply didn't personalize the experience to a specific loss of a child.

    However, some of that comes from personal and religious beliefs that the baby I carry now was the baby I lost then, too, but he had to wait until he could have a body that worked properly... as in.. with your first loss, that was Lillie, too, trying to come, but her body was imperfect and so she had to wait to come to you. I hope that doesn't sound too weird.

    I have no answers as to when I think the baby actually receives its spirit... I mean, now... if lost Thor... I'd grieve a baby, not a 'potential' baby.... so why it's different now for me than at 8 weeks, or 10 weeks, I don't exactly know the answer.

    So... don't beat yourself up. We all handle loss differently, and the significance of the loss doesn't change, but you can't judge your own reactions based on how others react to theirs, or how you think you SHOULD have reacted to it. :hugs:
     
  4. lilliesmummie

    lilliesmummie Well-Known Member

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    thankyou for taking your time to reply.. I think the idea that my loss was lillie waiting to be able to come back properly is a nice thought, so thankyou very much for your positive post hun xx
     
  5. Brieanna

    Brieanna Well-Known Member

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    I got pregnant a few months after I had a miscarriage. I had never though of it being our Joemy, but waiting for a perfect body, but that sounds like a nice thought.

    Before the MC, I was completely naive and thought that every pregnancy ended up with a baby (like on t.v.). After the MC I feel like I appreciated my baby/pregnancy more than I would have had I never had a MC. Not that I wouldn't have appreciated the first baby, of course. It's hard to say exactly what I am feeling, iykwim?

    I cried on the due date and when mothers day came along I was very sad, but I was pregnant too so it was kind of bittersweet.

    I was a wreck after the MC. I just stayed on the couch and cried for weeks but when I became pregnant again I completely shifted gears. I was VERY paranoid about EVERYTHING (the food I ate, sex, driving, being around sick people, even using antiperspirant!!!) I know most people feel like they want to keep their baby inside them forever so they can protect them, I couldn't wait to have her because I felt like my body had sort of betrayed me or failed at first and I felt like she would be safer outside and I was scared every second of my second pregnancy. My OH was amazing through everything and I think it actually brought us closer together.

    I had a horrible birth experience that ended in an emcs and when I woke up from anesthesia I was so afraid my baby would be gone. :( Thankfully she was ok and everything ended up being fine, but the MC really changed how I viewed life. Now that I have a baby I am completely in love with her and sometimes I get so busy I go days without thinking about the other baby and feel guilty, but I know (like you) that I will always remember.

    Sorry it is so long! I wanted to say that a MC affects everyone differently and you shouldn't feel guilty for how you feel because those are your feelings and sometimes a tragedy brings people closer together. :hugs:
     
  6. nullaby

    nullaby Well-Known Member

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    I've never experienced a loss but just wanted to share that we all grieve in our own way and not to feel bad about that. :hugs:
     
  7. Emsbambino

    Emsbambino First time Mummy

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    I think that is a lovely thought!

    I think each and everyone of us handles grief and loss differently - there is no wrong and no right way...just a right way for you at that time x
     
  8. mummy2lola

    mummy2lola Mum to 2 trying for 3

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    I mc'd on oct 4th and found out I was pregnant on again on oct 21st.I got a tattoo done of a heart with angel wings so I know that pip is still with us everywhere we go,I got it to symbolise when my baby grew wings it took abit of my heart with it xx
     
  9. sophie0909uk

    sophie0909uk mother of 1 x

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    I lost a baby on the 02nd Feb 2010, and found out i was pregnant with Archie on the 06th of March. Honestly, it messed with my mind alot! Because we had lost one before the feb loss aswell. I dont even remember dtd, and i honestly think Archie was conceived BEFORE we lost little Bambino. I also got a tattoo, it says 'one step at a time' and it has 3 foot prints on it, one for each child. Bean, Bambino & Archie. I dont care if people think im 'Sad' for doing that. I dont ever want to forget the babies i carried.

    xx
     
  10. xcharx

    xcharx Well-Known Member

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    :hugs: didn't want to r&r x
     
  11. Newbieplusone

    Newbieplusone Well-Known Member

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    Hi there,

    I agree with the other posters it really is a personal thing and how you feel/what you should do varies...

    I had a miscarriage before my LO - complete surprise pregnancy but when l started spotting l just knew something wasn't right so when l was told at the scan l wasn't surprised but a little annoyed with my body, iykwlm?! I dealt with whole thing in a very pragmatic way and didn't feel much until my friend announced the arrival of her little girl a few weeks after - l spent that day in bed crying. That was when l realised that l was more upset/hurt/disappointed than l thought....

    For me the hardest part was my emotions after not to mention the shock at how long it physically takes to recover and the complete surprise was my body's desperate urge to be pregnant again!!! lol.

    In all honesty and especially since a girl in our NCT lost her baby in labor l kind of feel that l didn't have the right to grieve...l still don't fully understand why l feel that way!

    I like the thought that Bethany is my lo in an able body (for want of a better word!). But for me l kind of felt that it was like a "practice run" or preparation for my body so l could carry Bethany safety...:).

    It really is so personal and if the feel sad/guilty/upset or anything else it really is right for you; no one can tell you how to feel. If l find myself thinking about it l give Bethany an extra special squeeze as my way of not forgetting....

    Take care and be kind to yourself - lots of hugs!! xxx
     
  12. lilliesmummie

    lilliesmummie Well-Known Member

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    Thankyou all for taking the time to reply.. I know that i cant help how i felt, but just recently i find myself getting more and more upset, ive spoken to my OH, turns out he's feeling the exact same! - we've decided to get matching tattoos to remember what we couldn't keep with us. ' so many hopes, so little time..' i think this will help me as a little piece will be with us both. We was also given a snowglobe saying i love you, the week we lost little bean, so ive given that a few shakes. Im unfortunate to gave lost, but so lucky to have gained my lillie.
    Thanks again and sorry for your losses also :(, your replies made me think and theyve helped me to stay positive! Xxxx
     
  13. HellBunny

    HellBunny Guest

    Huge hugs hun :hugs: xxxx
     
  14. SugarFairy

    SugarFairy Well-Known Member

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    *hugs* to you sweet. I had an early loss at the end of last August and got my BFP with Zac in November. The way I see it is that if I hadn't lost that bean then I wouldn't have Zac now and he is the most perfect beautiful thing. Although upsetting, I do feel that perhaps it was just meant. What will be will be. I know that thought won't comfort everyone but it helped me deal with things xx
     
  15. Poisonwood

    Poisonwood Well-Known Member

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    I feel exactly the same as sugar fairy. I had 3 mc and now have a 6month old gorgeous boy I conceived about 2/3 months after last mc. I definitely feel that the previous pregnancies were just not right for whatever reason and if id had those babies I wouldnt have the joy of my lo now. i did try to take the time to grieve for the mcs and now I have to say im completely fine but people say to me ;oh i bet youve just forgotten those mcs now' and no, I havent and never will. If is really upsetting you consider talking to someone from mc support? xx
     
  16. lilliesmummie

    lilliesmummie Well-Known Member

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    i know, i don't think that i was supposed to have bean either. :( sometimes i think people think i've forgotton too but i havent, ever. Thankyou hun. And i did think about it, but i've got a 3 month old, dont want to , kind of rub salt in people wounds? I know i was upset when i seen kids .? Xxx
     

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