Miscarried last time. I expected to feel anxious.. but guilty??? Anyone relate?

[Lues]

After almost 3 years of TTC, I finally got a BFP last May, and then miscarried. I'm THRILLED and blessed to have gotten another BFP a week ago today (I'm 5 weeks yesterday). But MAN is this a barrage of emotions.

I had a missed miscarriage, so thought everything was perfectly fine, good numbers, ultrasounds, the whole bit. Then went in and found out the baby had stopped growing two days after my last ultrasound. No warning, no spotting, no random pains, nothing. I thought everything was fine last time. So no matter how times I hear or tell myself "I'm sure everything is fine" it means nothing.

And I feel guilty about it.

I mean... I got another BFP!! My first time trying actually!!! (after a 4 month hiatus) I'm so lucky! And I am happy about that, don't get me wrong. Thrilled. But I don't feel as giddy as I did last time.

I have my first scan today, and I don't even think that's going to make me feel what it did last time. Last time we were so comforted and excited by the scans. And last time we were DYING to tell people, this time we really don't even want to.

Feels like that's somehow not fair to this baby? I dunno how to explain it. But it makes me feel guilty. I just don't have the same innocent excitement with this pregnancy as I did the last.

Today (TMI warning) I took a poop and saw a small streak of blood. My heart DROPPED and I just sat there a moment before wiping the front expecting to find more blood. When I wiped the front it was blood-free and it became obvious that the blood from behind was likely from my slight constipation lately.

But I didn't get a wave of relief. (I mean, obviously I would have felt a million times worse if i HAD seen blood) but I expected to feel this wave of relief, and it just fed into my anxiousness instead. This then immediately made me feel guilty. (notice the pattern here?)


Then (and here's the fun thing about guilt) it snowballs. I end up feeling guilty because I know there are people in WAY worse fertility situations than me. I remember reading posts in of people who were finally in their first-tri that were worried and thinking to myself "i WISH i was worried about THAT!". In fact, I feel guilty and even somewhat embarrassed to be posting this here.

I know there is no way to "fix" this at the moment. Just time. I expected to be anxious, I expected to be concerned and to overanalyze everything. I didn't expect this weird guilt feeling to be laced into everything.

(I was raised catholic though so maybe that's part of why! <-- i mean that in a friendly light-hearted way!)

Anyone relate?

 

[Sugden88]

Hiya love, I'm quite similar to you, we tried to conceive for over 3years, had a miscarriage last Christmas and have got pregnant exactly a full year later-also going through fertility treatment as we have 'unexplained infertility' but this baby is all natural anyway......
I found out I was pregnant and was excited then total fear hit me, my husband couldn't really talk about it out of fear of losing it again and seeing what it has done to me this past year.

After a long chat with my hubby we agreed we are not in control of this-whether we are happy/sad/guilty/anxious....... So we are just going to go with it. I personally feel this baby is a wee fighter and I'm getting a early scan in a few weeks.

Pregnancy/ttc/miscarriages etc make you go through millions of emotions, ans when you feel broken and unable to cope, they hit you again, and it's so unbelievably hard at Times. But I know fir a fact the day we do give birth and hold our child for the very first time-it's all worth it.

Sorry for the long reply I just thought it might help, you try and keep your chin up love xxx

 

[biscuits104]

You are guarding your heart...which is normal after the pain you have been through. I'm so sorry for your loss. I felt the same way my second pregnancy...just kind of "numb" about everything, and then I felt guilty for that. Then I had a second miscarriage...and like you we took the summer off, got pregnant our first month trying again. NOW, I am THRILLED. I still have so much anxiety, but I told myself not to dwell on the negative, I'm just going to be thankful for every moment I get to share my body with this little life. No matter how long that might be. Our scan last week went great, but we still have not made it past 9 weeks yet, so we haven't told a soul. I'm 8 weeks right now and hoping my little baby keeps growing.

I guess I said all that to say this - you don't know how you are going to feel, and that's okay! But by all means try not to make yourself feel guilty for feeling the way you do. If you make it to the second trimester, you will find yourself getting excited, and all of this guilt will be a distant memory. Best of luck to you!

 

[Lues]

Thanks so much to both of you. It's so comforting to hear the words from people who relate.

Really... unbelievable how much better reading that made me feel.

I'm going to try to not fight it, not waste energy trying to NOT feel any particular way, but at the same time, enjoy whatever moments of happiness and joy I have (and I certainly have them too).

Thanks again for telling me know that even guilt is a relatable feeling! (I think I was so surprised by it, it really threw me) Actually quite a relief.

 

[biscuits104]

 

[laila 44]

I also had a mmc at 11 weeks a few years back. I was never the same after that, very sceptic in first trimester. This time I even refuse to even acknowledge that I'm pregnant until 12 weeks...no baby talk in this house yet. However I'm not anxious or afraid I'm just not excited. I've realized that no matter how much worry, thought and stress it won't change the outcome. Wtv will be will be no matter what, we have no control over the situation. Just trust in whatever is meant shall be, that's what I tell myself.... Xx

 

[pinkpassion]

Hugs hun!! I've been through 4 losses, 2 were mmc's... it's dreadful!!!! One before dd and one before this pregnancy. It's perfectly normal to guard yourself. Every day this pregnancy goes forward I love this baby more and more. It's a hard thing to describe to someone who's not been through it!!! But there are so many people here who've been through it and come out the other side!!!

 

[TTDuck]

I think your feelings are completely normal! I feel like I had to fake it til I make it just because it seemed like other people were more excited about it than me and I didnt want to come off like I don't care. But feeling more symptoms and having more check ups helps me connect with the baby since it makes the likelihood of a loss at least seem less. Hang in there!