Missing the whole journey

[laura109]

I'm so crazy I know. I did not like the first four months with either pregnancy as I felt sick all day and I hated feeling so terrible. But somehow I just have these special memories of all of it. The booking in appointment, the scans, finding out the sex, getting a bump, feeling kicks, hearing the heartbeat, chatting with the midwives, everyone smiling at my huge bump, baby shopping, hospital bag packing, name picking, the anticipation of what the baby will look like, the final weeks even though I was exhausted, even the labour with my second baby. It was so quick and most of it was fine just didn't like the pushing bit. Then I think about holding my baby for the first time, dressing my baby, announcing the birth, feeling special, having that tiny bundle needing 2oz of milk and the tiniest of nappies. I know I couldn't manage another pregnancy and I have an 8 month old baby. I am just so nostalgic and confused haha. Join me please

 

[noon_child]

I might be totally off whack here but all the stuff you've described (you even say it yourself) is about you feeling special, having people pay attention to you and care about you. It doesn't sound much like its about the child. And I think it's normal and understandable to miss that, because when we birth babies people stop caring about us (as much), no one talks to us about how we are feeling, gives us gifts, smiles at us (just the baby). As long as baby is OK then that seems all that matters. We were precious commodities while we had babies inside us, but now that baby is here we are no longer that glowing jewel. We SHOULD be treasured, we SHOULD be thanked, we SHOULD be praised, we SHOULD be spoken to but we are not. Have you got any opportunities now baby is a bit older to find something else that makes you feel special? Something you could do with friends? Something that gives you an extra sense of worth?

 

[laura109]

Hi feeling special is definitely a part of it. I don't think anything can top the feeling of becoming a parent and preparing for a baby. It was for me a very special part of my life. I don't think I need to find something else to make me feel special. Life for me is family life. I look after my children and my home and I have my friends and partner. I don't have the opportunity to go out and get hobbies etc as we don't have babysitters so we can only do stuff separately. I'm happy I love my kids and I'm super proud of them. I didn't mean for it to sound like a all about me not about them thing. Just genuinely feel all warm and nostalgic thinking back and feel sad that I won't get to go through any of it again.

 

[noon_child]

. I didn't mean for it to sound like a all about me not about them thing. Just genuinely feel all warm and nostalgic thinking back and feel sad that I won't get to go through any of it again.

Don’t worry it didn’t at all! (My reply probably says more about me than you) I only wanted to pick up on that part of it because I think sometimes we aren’t allowed to express that so called selfish part of us that thinks “What about me?”. I’m glad you find pride and fulfilment in family life, it is a hard and important job. For a lot of people a loss of self during child rearing years can be very hard to bear and realignment with a new self takes time.

 

[laura109]

Oh I know I totally understand what you mean. It was an interesting comment. It's definitely partly what you pointed out. It's nice to feel special and like people care about you for a change isn't it. I don't have a mum who would ever make a fuss of me or give me a hug. I must admit I always loved my midwives because they were able to openly talk about feelings with me and I think it was a breath of fresh air to be around that. It is hard being parents isn't it. I do sometimes miss my working life. I do miss the days in my early twenties of going to the pub for tea after work or going out with mates for a drive. People will often suggest to go out or have me time but we have no options for child care. Again my parents have choosen not to go down the babysitting route. If we really need to do something I can get a couple of hours out of them but I don't like to ask as I know it's not what they want. How old are your kids? X

 

[noon_child]

I only have one (why do I always feel like I need to apologise for that when talking to people with more than one???), a 7 year old daughter. My parents aren't that close by, a 2.5 hr drive, and also not been that well for about the past year. When they were well they'd love to help but be too far away unless we really planned it in advance. I think that's one reason why I stayed at one child, I was horribly isolated when she was a newborn and really struggled with that whole period.

 

[laura109]

I only have one (why do I always feel like I need to apologise for that when talking to people with more than one???), a 7 year old daughter. My parents aren't that close by, a 2.5 hr drive, and also not been that well for about the past year. When they were well they'd love to help but be too far away unless we really planned it in advance. I think that's one reason why I stayed at one child, I was horribly isolated when she was a newborn and really struggled with that whole period.

My best friend is also a mummy of one. It doesn't matter if you have one or five children are hard work. It can be so isolating I agree.. It's lovely if you have family close by to give you that we'll earned break occasionally. I know lots of people who go out every weekend and are always wearing new dresses etc. I have had zero nights out in 3.5 years. I think once my kids sleep through the night itl get easier for my partner and I to be a proper couple again. He's a fab partner and a great dad but since baby number two came along its been hard to feel like a couple. Are you finding these easier now your daughter is 7?

 

[noon_child]

Yeah definately. Me and DH had a rocky patch when she was about 2.5 because I just resented him so much that I struggled to want to show him any affection or spend time staying awake with him in the evening. That seems far behind us now and once she started sleeping through (mostly) at 3yrs old it was such a huge weight lifted. Took me about a year more of just enjoying this new found sleep before I felt recovered!

It’s still difficult to do adult things as we still don’t really have anyone to babysit, but I’m not so tied to being the caregiver now. Anything she needs her Daddy can do just as well as I could.

Now I’m struggling with her pulling away from me, finding me annoying etc. Everything I do seems to be wrong at the moment!