I miscarried my first pregnancy 8 weeks ago today. I haven't had a period yet and my pregnancy tests are all negative. Yesterday, I spent a full 24 hours from midnight to midnight getting updates from my brother about my sister-in-law's progress. Finally around 3:00, I went to the hospital and stayed in the room with them. My SIL invited me to be a part of the birth since she knew we were trying to have a family and thought seeing a live birth would be good for me. I agreed, as it would take some of the mystery (and thus the fear) out of it. Plus, I was living out of state when my niece was born, so I didn't get to be around for that and was really excited to be here for this one. As a professional photographer, I also took it as a chance to try my hand at birth photography, something I'm interested in pursuing. Her labor was long and slow, but she did great. ALL NATURAL. It made me think I could totally do it. The last 30 minutes was intense and I never want to do that part, but I know it would be fine and worth it. Long story short, I had an amazing time being a part of that whole experience, but this morning I woke up feeling really down. I think I must have pushed aside feelings yesterday and now they're coming to the surface. I feel empty and like something's missing. I feel like I was so... IN the birth with her... I guess I feel like I should be holding a baby now, like I did all the work she did and don't have anything to hold for it. Any I can't even work actively towards getting to that point, because I haven't gotten a period in the 8 weeks since my miscarriage and all of my preggo tests have been negative. It's so hard being in limbo!!! I'm going back to the hospital to see the baby this afternoon with my parents. I hope I can hold it together. I just want to hold the baby so badly, but I know it will be hard when I do. Anyway, I need to get off here so I can edit the photos and show them to everyone this afternoon when I visit. I just needed to vent real quick!