Mixed feelings after photographing birth of nephew

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by SilverFair, Jan 25, 2011.

  1. SilverFair

    SilverFair Well-Known Member

    Dec 2, 2010
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    I miscarried my first pregnancy 8 weeks ago today. I haven't had a period yet and my pregnancy tests are all negative. Yesterday, I spent a full 24 hours from midnight to midnight getting updates from my brother about my sister-in-law's progress. Finally around 3:00, I went to the hospital and stayed in the room with them. My SIL invited me to be a part of the birth since she knew we were trying to have a family and thought seeing a live birth would be good for me. I agreed, as it would take some of the mystery (and thus the fear) out of it. Plus, I was living out of state when my niece was born, so I didn't get to be around for that and was really excited to be here for this one. As a professional photographer, I also took it as a chance to try my hand at birth photography, something I'm interested in pursuing. Her labor was long and slow, but she did great. ALL NATURAL. It made me think I could totally do it. The last 30 minutes was intense and I never want to do that part, but I know it would be fine and worth it.

    Long story short, I had an amazing time being a part of that whole experience, but this morning I woke up feeling really down. I think I must have pushed aside feelings yesterday and now they're coming to the surface. I feel empty and like something's missing. I feel like I was so... IN the birth with her... I guess I feel like I should be holding a baby now, like I did all the work she did and don't have anything to hold for it. Any I can't even work actively towards getting to that point, because I haven't gotten a period in the 8 weeks since my miscarriage and all of my preggo tests have been negative. It's so hard being in limbo!!! :cry: I'm going back to the hospital to see the baby this afternoon with my parents. I hope I can hold it together. I just want to hold the baby so badly, but I know it will be hard when I do.

    Anyway, I need to get off here so I can edit the photos and show them to everyone this afternoon when I visit. I just needed to vent real quick!
  2. KateC

    KateC Well-Known Member

    Jan 3, 2011
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    That sounds like an incredible experience. I think it's wonderful that you were able to participate so fully, but I think it's totally understandable that you would wake up and feel your loss again in the morning.

    You're such a good aunt, and you're going to be such a good mommy when it's your turn. I hope that's soon.

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