Mmc and trying to cope

[Inneedofhope]

I found out two weeks ago at a routine scan that something was wrong, I guess now looking back I never really felt relaxed about this pregnancy, initially they told me I was measuring a bit behind and maybe I was just 6 weeks pregnant. I knew this wasn’t correct and when the ultrasonographer didn’t give me any photos I knew deep down.
I saw my GP the following day and she told me it didn’t look good, she would monitor my hcg every second day for the next week and sent me home to likely miscarry. A long week later and still nothing!
My hcg continued to increase as it should of but after another scan the OB confirmed it was not viable.
I had an erpc a few days later.
I am overwhelmed by how much my world has been shattered. My baby was only 9 weeks but I loved it so much. My husband and I had been trying for almost a year, it would of been our first baby and now I worry we will never know the joys of being a parent.

This whole process has been made far more difficult by a woman I work with who openly discusses EVERY SINGLE DAY how easy she falls pregnant and how you only should have to have sex once and that “ I do not know what life is like until I myself am a mother”. Well of course 4 days after I lose my baby she announces to everyone that she is pregnant.
My friends tell me that I shouldn’t let it upset me, that my baby just wasn’t meant to be, that obviously my baby wasn’t healthy, that so many women go through this.
These are things I know, but to me, my baby was real, my baby was loved, my baby was so badly wanted. I had already pictured my future with my beautiful baby and that’s all gone.

How does everyone cope? How do you move forward? Because right now I feel that I have been broken but still desperate and terrified to be pregnant again.
I am dealing with this on my own and I’m just overwhelmed with sadness, anger, jealousy and heartbreak.

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Your baby was real. Your feelings are all valid. You need time and you need to grieve.

After our loss, I sat on my couch and cried for a week solid, my face hurt and my skin was raw from the tears. I would wake up in the middle of the night and for a second I would think maybe it was all a bad dream and then everything would come flooding back. I cried when we tried to go grocery shopping as it seemed such a mundane task and no one knew I was in so much pain. After that week I tried to get back to my normal routine. It was still difficult.

It's been 4 years. I can talk about it more now without necessarily tearing up. I don't think about it every day anymore. We have a memory box of his stuff, we bring it out on his birthday and light a candle. Talking to people helps to a certain extent but most people don't really understand and a lot of what they think is comforting can be really offensive.

Some people plant trees or make something they dedicate to their baby. I hope you find a healthy way to grieve your loss.

 

[nikki_]

I'm so sorry, I went through a mmc as well and it is just awful, especially when it would be your first. Your friends must have never gone through something like this because it's ridiculous to say you shouldn't let it upset you. The second you find out you are pregnant, a bond forms and its painful to lose no matter how early. Let yourself grieve and take it easy on yourself, your feelings are all normal.

As for the work lady, I'm so annoyed for you. Are you in the US? Not sure how this works elsewhere, but you should have a human resources director you can speak to in confidence and they can talk to her about being more sensitive on certain issues. A friend of mine had a similar issue, where he and his wife were having problems getting pregnant. A coworker got pregnant on accident and constantly complained about how "inconvenient" it was and how she hated what the pregnancy was doing to her body. He talked to HR and they had a sit down with her, without naming names.

Sorry, there's nothing that can really comfort you, but it does get easier to deal with in time

 

[Inneedofhope]

Thank you both so much.
I guess it’s just all so raw that it will take time, i didn’t expect to be so saddened by this and always thought I would be able to move forward straight away but it’s obviously hit me much harder than I even wanted to realize.

As for the woman I work with, Ironically, she is my HR manager.
I also feel that she is not a nice person and if I had this discussion with her it unfortunately would just turn back into how happy I should be for her. Maybe a little fake it till I make it with her?

Thank you for making me feel like a normal human. I only hope that I am able to fall pregnant again within the near future and be able to have a beautiful healthy baby of my own.

 

[mlj6019]

I’m so sorry about your loss. Your baby was real and worthy of your love. I myself have had 3 miscarriages, but I also have two wonderful healthy boys. The loss is devastating I know and your hopes are shattered. You have every right to feel the way you do and you should allow yourself to go thru the process of experiencing the grief. It’s normal and it’s ok. Some people do get pregnant very easily, I have friends that do. Their bodies are just made different I suppose. It doesn’t make yours any less. It will take time. You will heal. Keep the hope alive and try real hard not to stress over the possibility future pregnancies or if it will ever happen again. Stress takes a toll on the body, so try not to let it consume you. Just take this present time for yourself to grieve and heal. It’s ok.

 

[fides]

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss and all that you are going through.

Secondly, you are a mother! You absolutely DO know now "what life is like" as a mother! Motherhood is painful, bloody, and hard. For some of us lucky ones who get the chance to hold some of our kids, yes, there's joy too, but that's not always the case. You are a Mom.

Finally, hang in there. I lost my first baby, had some healthy babies, and then lost two more this year. I have to say, losing that first baby hurts.... SO.... much. It hurts. Wow. It is so hard to lose your first and have empty hands. I am so sorry you are going through this. It's going to be a long process for you. My heart goes out to you.