mum only thinks about herself

[EmmyReece]

I know most people seem to rant about their mil's but I need to let this out about my own mum otherwise I'm going to flip

Both dh and myself are carers for my mum and the man that lives with her.

Yesterday I had through the post my booking in appointment and scan date. And I immediately freaked out. I don't know what it is and can't quite put my finger on it, but I don't want to give birth in our local hospital and would much prefer to stay with mil and fil from 35 weeks onwards and have the baby in cheshire (if possible)

So, this morning I said that I would like dh with me on wednesday at my booking in appointment as I don't want to go to it on my own. I'm worried about what they're going to be like with me because of my weight. And her first comment was "well we'll just have to cope", dh only needs a couple of hours off, it's not as if he needs the full day off.

I then explained that I was going to give Leighton hospital a call and see if I can get myself referred to them as they do take women out of the area who choose to give birth there. We've chosen Leighton for several reasons

• dh was born there
• it is only 10 minutes down the road from his mum and dad's house so he would have somewhere to stay
• our dog would be very well looked after with them
• dh can stay with me for the whole night afterwards, he just needs to sign a code of conduct form

And she started ranting about how they had been rubbish with her (though she's never had anything to do with their maternity unit) and that maternity units were all understaffed and underfunded. When I told her that they have recently won an award for their maternity unit she just sniffed and looked annoyed.

I said that we'd figure something out with regards to appointments and again she pulled her face. If needs be dh would work his day off and change his night shift so that he wouldn't miss any work. He would just be having his day off on a different day as the other pa would be more than happy to work around that for us, she doesn't mind swapping nights as and when we need to.

It feels as if she expects me to give birth in a hospital that I really don't like just so that it suits her

EDIT** I also want to add that we would like to be in a hospital where we have family support on hand in the area if we needed it (I have family in staffordshire and dh's whole family are in close proximity to the hospital), as my mum won't come to our local hospital because of fear of catching a bug.

 

[bookworm0901]

Sounds like you have really strong feelings about the hospital by your in-laws so I would do it!!! Do what is going to make you feel the most comfortable, it's so important when you are going something "scary" like labor to do everything you can to feel at ease.

 

[Nicola27]

Anything that makes you more comfortable has got to be a good thing. Just make it clear that your mind's made up and you're not looking for anyone elses opinion!

 

[Larkspur]

It might help if you repeat these two things to yourself:

"It's my birth, and I'm allowed to choose where to have it without taking anyone else's opinion into account."

"My mum is allowed to feel annoyed that my choice isn't convenient for her, and I can acknowledge that annoyance without needing to let it affect my decision."

 

[Misscalais]

I guess at the end of the day you just need to do what makes you feel comfortable.
I have to do all my appointments on my own and have had to give birth to all my kids in hospitals i don't like. I had no other option though and i have no family within 5 hours of me.
Best thing is, is to call and see if you can get into the hospital that you want and then go from there. No point in making plans if in the end the hospital won't take you.
Good luck, put you 1st. Your body, your baby, your choice.

 

[dreamofabump]

Its your baby, your birth so you do want you want.
but i get a feeling that you seem to want to be near your mil rather then your mum. Which could be hurting her feelings. Maybe sit with your mum and talk find out what the real problem is. Is it her first grandchild? Maybe she secretly wishes she could be there for her daughter at the hospital and all your doing is going on about staying with your mil. Maybe your mum feels pushed out but is to stubben to admit it x

 

[EmmyReece]

Its your baby, your birth so you do want you want.
but i get a feeling that you seem to want to be near your mil rather then your mum. Which could be hurting her feelings. Maybe sit with your mum and talk find out what the real problem is. Is it her first grandchild? Maybe she secretly wishes she could be there for her daughter at the hospital and all your doing is going on about staying with your mil. Maybe your mum feels pushed out but is to stubben to admit it x

Honestly, those are actually really good points.

Yes, this will be her first grandchild.

Honestly I would love nothing more than for my mum to come to the hospital after I'd had the baby. Dad died in 2009 and I know he would have been there (probably in the waiting room lol) at the earliest opportunity. Before we even got pregnant, mum made it clear that she wouldn't be at the hospital for fear of catching something. This was something that was repeated to me throughout our ttc journey several times. So it kind of feels to me that why should I deny the in laws the chance to come and meet their grandchild in hospital if my own mum won't take the opportunity.

Yesterday was the first time that I'd even mentioned to her about potentially giving birth in cheshire as I've been so careful not to push her out as I know there's loads that she can't do with us in the run up. I know how sensitive she can be about things and she tends to blow up at the drop of hat (always has been like this).

I know you didn't mean to make me feel this way so please don't take it that I'm blaming you, but I feel really torn now and don't know what to do for the best. There's no way whatsoever of me keeping everyone happy. Whatever I do someone is going to miss out

 

[MichCuc]

Well, I think that's probably your problem. You're trying to please everyone around you, at the expense of yourself. Don't worry about everyone else. You are responsible for the life growing inside of you. Not your mom. Not your mil. You are. Do what is best for you and your family. If it hurts someone's feelings, they will get over it. Or they won't. This is the thing - when you bring new life into the world you have to make them a prority. It is unfair to your child if you choose to make everyone else around you happy and make yourself upset in the process. And you won't ever make everyone happy

Tough love. Sorry if it comes across harsh but I believe in making ones self a priority in situations like this. It's one of the few times I think being "selfish" is okay. Good luck to you!

 

[EmmyReece]

No it doesn't sound harsh in the slightest. You're making a very valid point.

I I think if we were in cheshire I'd be able to relax properly in the knowledge that dh would have somewhere to stay if he needed and the dog would be very well looked after. Whereas in Wales I would probably be worrying about whether the dog was behaving and he was getting fussed so as not to be freaked out.

I'm going to speak to the midwife on Wednesday about all of this and see what she says. Apparently she's really nice from what my friend has said.

 

[MichCuc]

Sounds like a good plan! I know it's hard to let you mom down. sounds like she's afraid of catching germs so she won't be there anyway. And maybe that will help the decision be a little easier. Good luck with everything!

 

[dreamofabump]

Maybe involve her by asking her to plan you a baby shower or something ?? I wasn't trying to make u confused in sorry Hun. It is your baby and your decision but once its all done you don't want to feel guilty for ever about it afterwards. Why don't you sit don't and say mum in willing to change my mind if you wanted to come to hospital.... If she goes off on one ect. Then you know you did your best and then you've got nothing to feel bad about. I understand i to have a stubborn mum but it all worked out in the end good luck xxx

 

[Nerdy]

My mother and my husband's grand mother are very much the same. Super opinionated and super snotty about everything that they generally know nothing about. It makes for a lot of tension and a lot of stress with having them around and has come down to the point where we share absolutely NOTHING with them. It's not worth it, honestly.

My OB with my first son told me the best advice I've ever heard, and it's stuck with me and will continue to stick with me, so I'm going to impart that wisdom to you;

This is YOUR pregnancy. Your birthing experience. YOUR BODY. Most importantly? YOUR baby. Do what makes YOU comfortable and tell people to either get with the program or get out of the way.

 

[CRWx]

The be all and end all Hun is YOU doing what you thinks best for YOU and YOUR baby. Honestly, I'd tell her to get over it. From what you've said about the hospital in Cheshire it sounds SO much better and you'll be more comfortable there by the sounds of it, too. It's your choice at the end of the day- not hers! You live nearer to them all the other times! xxx

 

[Bevziibubble]

I agree hun, this is your pregnancy and you have to do what is right for you. You're the one who is going through the birth so you need to make sure you're as happy and comfortable as possible with where you are giving birth