My 6 year old thinks I'm mean and I make her sad

[katy1985]

Hi... any help or just sharing experiences would be greatly appreciated. My dd turned 6 last month. I have a 4 month old ds. It's hard to pinpoint exactly when dd's behaviour changed but obviously I suspect it has to do with the arrival of ds. She's generally a good kid but recently just will not do as she's told and has an awful teenage like attitude... talking back to me, talking to me like I'm a piece of dirt. She doesn't do anything particularly naughty, she's just defiant and if I about at her (which I inevitably end up doing after the 20th time of asking) she cries and says I'm mean and I make her sad. Tonight she told me I'm make g her life miserable 😢 I don't know if my expectations are too high of her or what but I feel like I'm psycologically damaging her because she says I make her sad every day.
She adores her little brother which is a positive, but she's making life feel very stressful at the moment.

 

[Natasha2605]

Can you give some specific examples of what she thinks is mean?

Generally I’d take it with a pinch of salt. This age is so tricky. When my girls think I’m being mean or unreasonable (usually because I’ve asked them to do their room or something equally trivial) I remind them of how fortunate they really are - they have nice food, days out and everything they could ever wish for.

Obviously at this age they struggle to put things into perspective of what really is mean!

 

[phantomfaery1]

Having a new sibling is a big change in her world.New routines, having to share mummy etc. Im sure she will come around x maybe let her help with baby so she feels involved and how fun it is to be a big sister like helping with nappy changing or cleaning bottles . i definatly wouldnt take her comments personally she might even be a bit jeoulous of the new bubba x your doing a brilliant job and it will get easier

 

[katy1985]

Thanks for the supportive comments, they are very much appreciated.
Some examples of some 'mean' things I have done today... made her brush her teeth, asked her to get dressed, told her it was bedtime...!
You're right... I need to remind myself she is only 6 so will not be able to put into perspective what is actually mean!

6 years olds are so unreasonable, haha!!

 

[SarahBear]

Perhaps rather than getting frustrated saying it "20 times," ask once and then state "I have asked you to ____. If I need to ask again, ___(state consequence)___." Give her a chance to follow through, then move forward with a consequence. The less compliant my daughter is, the more strict I am about consequences. When she shows more intent to cooperate or is more responsive to feedback/correction, I ease up. As far as being called mean, just say something like "I am your mom. It's my job to keep you clean, safe, and healthy." If she's being disrespectful, you can try something like "I hear that you're mad, but you need to use respectful words." If she continues you can say something like "If you can't be respectful, I'm going to ask you to stay in your room until you're able to use nicer words." Keep your tone neutral and calm.

 

[kirstybumx3]

Ah man it’s so hard isn’t it. Lately Rio is telling me he wants to live at Nanny’s because she isn’t bossy. He says he doesn’t love me and when I ask why he says ridiculous things like because I make him put his pyjamas on lol. If I say he can’t have sweets he says I NEVER let him EAT! (lol) etc. He’s only 4 but I’m in a similar situation behaviour wise. I also agree with some of what PP said though. I found myself gettjust my increasingly cross repeating myself over and over to him but I’ve found if I tell him once, tell him a second time and tell him that if I have to tell him again xyz will happen and then if I have to once more make sure I follow through with xyz it seems to work so much more. He absolutely goes crazy when it gets to xyz happening whatever that may be at the time, but it rarely gets to that now. Still get to the warning though, obviously lol. X

ETA: although not immediately obvious, a lot of Rio’s behaviour is jealousy towards his big brother. Even though he adores him. X

 

[katy1985]

Perhaps rather than getting frustrated saying it "20 times," ask once and then state "I have asked you to ____. If I need to ask again, ___(state consequence)___." Give her a chance to follow through, then move forward with a consequence. The less compliant my daughter is, the more strict I am about consequences. When she shows more intent to cooperate or is more responsive to feedback/correction, I ease up. As far as being called mean, just say something like "I am your mom. It's my job to keep you clean, safe, and healthy." If she's being disrespectful, you can try something like "I hear that you're mad, but you need to use respectful words." If she continues you can say something like "If you can't be respectful, I'm going to ask you to stay in your room until you're able to use nicer words." Keep your tone neutral and calm.

Thank you... this is great. Can I ask for examples of consequences you use?

 

[katy1985]

Ah man it’s so hard isn’t it. Lately Rio is telling me he wants to live at Nanny’s because she isn’t bossy. He says he doesn’t love me and when I ask why he says ridiculous things like because I make him put his pyjamas on lol. If I say he can’t have sweets he says I NEVER let him EAT! (lol) etc. He’s only 4 but I’m in a similar situation behaviour wise. I also agree with some of what PP said though. I found myself gettjust my increasingly cross repeating myself over and over to him but I’ve found if I tell him once, tell him a second time and tell him that if I have to tell him again xyz will happen and then if I have to once more make sure I follow through with xyz it seems to work so much more. He absolutely goes crazy when it gets to xyz happening whatever that may be at the time, but it rarely gets to that now. Still get to the warning though, obviously lol. X

ETA: although not immediately obvious, a lot of Rio’s behaviour is jealousy towards his big brother. Even though he adores him. X

We've had that one too... she wants to live with granny (granny let's her get away with murder!) xx

 

[SarahBear]

Perhaps rather than getting frustrated saying it "20 times," ask once and then state "I have asked you to ____. If I need to ask again, ___(state consequence)___." Give her a chance to follow through, then move forward with a consequence. The less compliant my daughter is, the more strict I am about consequences. When she shows more intent to cooperate or is more responsive to feedback/correction, I ease up. As far as being called mean, just say something like "I am your mom. It's my job to keep you clean, safe, and healthy." If she's being disrespectful, you can try something like "I hear that you're mad, but you need to use respectful words." If she continues you can say something like "If you can't be respectful, I'm going to ask you to stay in your room until you're able to use nicer words." Keep your tone neutral and calm.

Thank you... this is great. Can I ask for examples of consequences you use?

Leaving the room to calm down is a common one. This may or may not be facilitated by discussion with her, depending on what's going on.

I have her go to her room any time she hits, kicks, or does something unsafe. When it comes to things like that, there are no warnings.

This morning, Leo was throwing a golf ball. I told him not to. He looked like he was going to do it again. I told him that if he threw it, I was going to take it. He threw it, so I put it out of his reach. For some perspective, it was inside where something could get broken and he was acting like he was going to throw it at me.

I asked Violet to clean something up. She refused, so I simply withheld whatever it was we were going to next until she complied.

If either kid throws a fit in a restaurant, I sit outside the restaurant with them until they calm down.