My husband is being an asshole!

[Eziana]

Grrrrr. I am so angry at my husband! I'm 11 weeks tomorrow and for the last few weeks I've been tired with off and on nausea. I've been taking naps almost every night when I get home from work and I haven't been keeping up with my cleaning as much as I'd like, though it's not as though I've been letting the apartment go to hell in a hand basket. So I already feel kind of bad that I haven't been keeping up with my cleaning as much as I'd like, but I'm trying to cut myself some slack. So up until today I thought my husband has been pretty understanding about why I haven't been as energetic lately. But then this evening he's saying all this confusing crap and it almost sounds like he's saying that he thinks I'm using the pregnancy as an excuse to not get stuff done, he said some other things too but to be honest, I got so confused because it was like he was totally contradicting himself. Saying in so many words that I was using the pregnancy as an excuse, but then saying he understands that I'm tired. Then when I called him on saying I'm using the pregnancy as an excuse he's all "No, that's not what I said." I'm thinking, well it sure sounds like that's what you said! I'm sorry for the long post, I'm just so confused and angry right now. In a weird way I feel like I've been lied too, like he's been saying and acting like he understands, but he's been silently judging me this whole time!

 

[purelygemini]

I totally feel you girl. Housework is falling last on the list, as is cooking dinner, as I've been pretty sick. Especially since I'm also in school this semester. But my man has so far been very understanding. He's not a clean freak, not in the least so it doesn't even bother him. But if he were to imply that I was using the pregnancy to be lazy, I would lose my shit. They have no idea how this feels, and how hard it is to handle every day things. And you work too, so I'm assuming he also does, so shouldn't that mean he's helping already? If you both work I think it should be a somewhat shared task. I'm a sahm so it all falls on me. Do you think maybe he's just stressed and maybe said it in a way that he didn't really mean?

 

[aw1990]

They just cant comprehend how hard it is lovely! Your doing great doing any cleaning! My house goes to pot for 12weeks and I've got 4kids lol .. my poor guy was up doing dishes and mopoing before he left at 7.30am for work, hes used to it now though lol xx

 

[ricschick]

eziana is this your 1st baby? if it is he wont really understand how we feel or how tired you are all the time even in the mornings and maybe he is just used to a super tidy house and men don't deal with change all that well, but I agree he needs to help you more with cleaning and household duties, he probably didn't mean to upset you but just make it clear you need help and if he doesn't want to then he will have to put up with the extra mess til 2nd tri!

 

[3boys]

maybe he just doesnt understand how hard it is. This is my 8th and apart from online college im a stay at home mom. Im thankful my husband expects the place to fall apart for the first 3 months. I get very upset as I feel so useless but am thankful to him for doing it on his days off, which is a lot to ask as he works 5 maybe 6 12 hour shifts a week.

 

[Khearts]

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time dealing with him! There's nothing worse than being totally exhausted and insulted for it. My husband was awful rude for a few weeks as I was so tired I needed a nap right after work every day, still do! He would text me constantly telling me not to nap. It was so frustrating because I just couldn't be as awake as usual. I ended up buying him a baby book specifically worded for men and it has completely changed his attitude. He just didn't understand how much energy I lost when I got pregnant. I still try and help around the house if I can but most days I just don't have it in me. The other night after I went to sleep he detailed the entire place and it was heartwarming!

I will say he still needs to fix his jokes about me though. Yesterday at my ultrasound I had to pee so bad I was crying and shaking. He told me I looked like I was withdrawing off drugs! Not funny!! You try holding your bladder for 3 hours when you usually have to pee every 30 minutes!

 

[xdxxtx]

Nobody who hasn't carried a baby can understand how exhausted we can get. Heck, I've been more exhausted with my girl-pregnancies than any other time in my life, and I spend much of my first trimesters getting NOTHING done. This time, I got NOTHING done until into my second trimester!

It sounds to me like, since he was contradicting and didn't quite seem SURE why he was upset, that he had a bad day or was upset and taking it out on you. Try not to take it personally, at least until you know what's going on.

 

[crazylilth1ng]

It sounds to me that maybe he has just had a bad day or something, not that that's an excuse. I honestly don't think anyone who has never had a baby can understand just how bad times can get for some women. Women who sail through are extremely lucky. I know because I sailed through my second pregnancy but the other 3 have all had some times when I felt like utter death.

This current pregnancy has been the worst by far. I am now 30 weeks, and yes the morning sickness stopped at 11 weeks but the sheer exhaustion never faded, I still need a nap most afternoons and am incapable of keeping the house up to my normal standards. Luckily my OH has been very supportive, I am surprised he has been so good about it to be honest but its been a huge relief. I am SO ready for the pregnancy to be over even though I obviously want him to stay inside to cook a lot longer.

Maybe wait till he is more receptive (because you both need to be on the same page to talk or the conversation just won't work) and tell him how he made you feel. I hope he bucks his ideas up!!

 

[DobbyForever]

It sounds likely he's having a hard time communicating what he's actually thinking, and your confusion is making you frustrated so the idea he could be secretly mad over something you can't control is exponentially worse. I would sit down and have a calm conversation about expectations and how to reach that goal realistically. My SO does not do domestic nor do I want him to. But we have an open communication rule: if I'm that exhausted, I can skip a Saturday cleaning or ask him to get take out on his way home. If he feels something is annoying him about the house, he's allowed to say it without me getting upset. That way we both get what we need and can be honest because holding it in causes resentment.

 

[Eziana]

Thank you for all the words of encouragement everyone! Hubby and I talked a little bit this morning. I told him I really am doing my best! He said he was sorry and asked me to forgive him, which of course I did. He really does mean well. He just says things without thinking sometimes!

 

[DobbyForever]

I'm glad you two were able to talk it out and he apologized