MY husbands bff died and now dh wants him to be godfather..

[shellb]

So, we had already picked my brother and dh sister to be family godparents. They live in other country and states from us, so we also picked two friends that we are extremely close with to me babys godparents as well... kind of looking at them as being surrogate aunts and uncle but the title of godparent formalizing the relationship. Anyways, everyone is on board and really e cited.

Then a week ago my dh best friend died in a freak accident. He had asked to be godfather before he passed and we told him we already picked others... we had talked about having him and his girlfriend as another set because we love them so much too and my feeling is the more people looking out for her the better. But then he died... now my husband is insisting that he is the only godparent (I think he feels guilty) and to tell everyone else they aren't the godparents anymore and its just his friend... and girlfriend carrying it out.

I'm all for including them and honoring his friend, but we've already asked the others... and I think it'd really hurt their feelings to be disinvited... besides the fact that I really want them to be the godparents anyways. How would you handle it? I would say include everyone but maybe that is too many?

 

[Periwinkle]

Sorry to hear about your husbands friend x

I thought the whole point of Godparents was someone to look after your child if something happens to the two of you? I know it doesn't always work out like that in reality, but that is the general point of it..

I'm sure there must be another way of remembering and honouring him.

 

[Lillismommy]

I think your husband is reacting out of guilt and mourning the loss of his friend and isn't thinking properly right now. Is this something you have to decide right away? We don't do God Parents so i'm not sure. Maybe just wait a few weeks and discuss it again when things are a bit settled down.

 

[broodyc]

This is a difficult one as your DH is obviously grieving for his friend. That said, I agree with your thinking.

My view of a godparent is someone who is willing to be there for the child to guide them through life and offer advice and support when needed. Given that interpetation, technically your DH's friend is no longer here in person to undertake that role. I also think that it wouldn't be right to 'univite' your bro and SIL and also your other 2 friends as they have already been asked and are probably over the moon at being asked to undertake such an important role in your baby's life.

One suggestion is that you could have the 4 godparents and perhaps make remembrance by reading a poem about your DH's friend becoming your baby's 'guardian angel' who will always be looking over. That would be something that is recognising that he was a important person in your lives and he will continue to be remembered within your lives.

Hope you manage to sort things and I can only pass on my sympathies for you all at this difficult time

xxx

 

[bumpwanted]

Ohh Hun awful situation are u in the uk I am not even sure if ur having a church service that would be ok, ur dh obivously feels guilty but I don't think it would be a good just to have him after all god parents are someone u choose to look after lo during there life
hope it works out x

 

[Jasa1911]

I personally would leave the topic for a while. when were you thinking of getting her christened?

I would allow him to grieve and then bring it up again when its nearer the time. I would maybe mention to your family members your husbands mind set just ucase he is adamanet even when the dust has settled, just so they are aware. But I think that once he has had a bit of time and you mention that your baby does need people there if anything happens to you two that he will come round and see what you are saying.

At the end of the day if his friends death was so sudden then he should be able to see that it could happen to anyone and your daughter will need the best support.

Im so sorry you are going through this and I really feel for your husband. Losing a friend is very hard.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Take care xx

 

[Ju_bubbs]

This is a difficult one as your DH is obviously grieving for his friend. That said, I agree with your thinking.

My view of a godparent is someone who is willing to be there for the child to guide them through life and offer advice and support when needed. Given that interpetation, technically your DH's friend is no longer here in person to undertake that role. I also think that it wouldn't be right to 'univite' your bro and SIL and also your other 2 friends as they have already been asked and are probably over the moon at being asked to undertake such an important role in your baby's life.

One suggestion is that you could have the 4 godparents and perhaps make remembrance by reading a poem about your DH's friend becoming your baby's 'guardian angel' who will always be looking over. That would be something that is recognising that he was a important person in your lives and he will continue to be remembered within your lives.

Hope you manage to sort things and I can only pass on my sympathies for you all at this difficult time

xxx

I agree with this, and think its the most wonderful idea! I know I'm pregnant and hormonal... but it bought a tear to my eye!! lol

Also sorry for the loss of your husbands friend

 

[nicmum2b]

I would just include everyone

 

[shellb]

Wow. Thank you everybody. I'm really loving the guardian angel poem in the service. My hubs is from Ireland and Catholic and I'm from California and nothing... and now we live in nyc. So, our family isn't close which is why I wanted friends that live here and would be an integral part of our daughters life. We are going to Ireland in April for the baptism and tbh, I've never been to one and don't know the whole deal. Our friends that we already asked are Catholic though and have already got plane tickets to go... I just am looking at godparents as people that will take a special commitment to support her in life and be role models, etc. Obviously, his friend can't do that but I really adored his friend and would love him to be a part.
I told my hubby that he could be the heaven godparent because the others will be watching out for her down here, but he can watch out for her from heaven... he didn't really say anything though

I think you guys are right and I should leave it alone for a bit as well.

 

[Maman]

i thought a godparent was to guide and protect baby if you should pass as well.

How about adding an extra middle name for baby and naming after bff?

 

[shellb]

I think traditionally it is to take the baby if something happens to us... but we are using my mom for that.

So, its more just a guide in her life. As someone above said.

 

[LittleStars]

I love love love the Guardian Angel thing. I am completely not religious so have no plans on baptising my children and thus there are no official godparents. The point of godparents realistically is to become legal guardians of your children should something happen to you. Despite not having godparents DH and I have dicussed who priority wise the children would go to for guardianship. Now that being said, our very best friends who are NOT related are called uncles and aunts to DD but she understands they are not related. She loves some of them more than blood relatives because they love her and spend time with her etc. Family is what you make it, blood or not. DH needs time to grieve and I think discussing the issue right now won't make things better but talking about him openly and mentioning how wonderful it is knowing there is someone watching over your little one like a Guardian Angel might set the stage for a more official discussion closer to the time of the baptism/christening.

Best of luck, hopefully the birth of your child will help your DH heal from his loss.

 

[cait]

I'm from Ireland and a Catholic and I've never seen a baptism where the godparent was deceased - I can't imagine that would work/be allowed. They are meant to be present and have a role in the ceremony, and then they are to give guidance in the child's life as they grow up. But you shouldn't be in a rush, your husband is grieving but when it gets closer to the time he will realise its not really possible to have his bf be named as godfather. I can't think of an opportunity where you would say a poem or speech in the church but if you speak with the priest about the situation he might make mention of the 'guardian angel' watching over your baby from heaven. I hope this helps and I'm sorry for your loss x

 

[shellb]

I'm from Ireland and a Catholic and I've never seen a baptism where the godparent was deceased - I can't imagine that would work/be allowed. They are meant to be present and have a role in the ceremony, and then they are to give guidance in the child's life as they grow up. But you shouldn't be in a rush, your husband is grieving but when it gets closer to the time he will realise its not really possible to have his bf be named as godfather. I can't think of an opportunity where you would say a poem or speech in the church but if you speak with the priest about the situation he might make mention of the 'guardian angel' watching over your baby from heaven. I hope this helps and I'm sorry for your loss x

Thank you for this... so, you don't even think its possible? Hmmm... like I said, I'm pretty clueless how it all work. Although thinking of it, they grew up next door to eachother, so they'd probably belong to the same church? Maybe the priest would say something nice about him.
I just feel horrible for my hubby to deal with this. And I really would like some acknowledgment of his friend if it helps him feel better... but on the other hand, I was also thinking that while I know our baby will hear stories about this guy for ages, I don't know how I feel about having death so closely associated and having to explain that she has another godfather but he died tragically before she was born. I don't know... just thinking out loud. Just a sad situation all around. I just wish he were here and it was normal and he'd just come hang out like normal.