my SIL would you expect a apology

[lisamarie]

so yesterday went over to m.i.l. and fetched christmas cards home with us, when i opened one from bil and sil to our little girl inside it just said from caroline and brian, not from aunty and uncle, i was a bit hurt by this and told my oh when he got in from work he then phoned his brother and and asked him about it, he said sorry and that he dont no how it happened so ok it was a mistake we left it at that..............then the cow this morning sent a txt to my oh saying why r we kicking off over something so pathetic she stressed enough trying to sell house without this and wot does it matter cos we r not married yet anyway WTF!!
anyway oh phoned his brother to say i am fuming over the txt and sil is not welcome to our house at xmas untill she says sorry, so bil was upset cos it will ruin xmas mil was was upset and said i should let it go to save arguements. am i being petty and hormonal to ban her from the house till i get an apology..... thanxs in advance 4 any replies......

lisa 24 weeks with pink bump

 

[surprisebaby]

I am not sur waht difference it makes you being married or not. But I think regarding how card was worded, it genuinely sounds like they are busy people and have just wrote the cards as quickly as possible. I notice I sometimes do things like that myself unintentionally, for example on my xmas presents to my children i had to rewrite a tag cos it said from my own name instead of mum. i just think it's down to writing a lot of cards at one time and not done deliberately to mean anything.xx

 

[RainbowDrop_x]

No your not being petty!!! I have a problem SIL aswell so can totally sympathise with you!! Stand your ground.. She's upset you why should you apologise!!!! xx

 

[Minstermind]

Hmmmmm.........I think if she left out everything except the ''you're not married yet anyway'' comment, I'd be inclined to reply setting her mind at ease that no one was trying to kick something off with her, just curious about it, and let her get over it on her end.

But with the addition of the ''married'' comment, I would be well pissed too as it was something she seemed to cook up as a sideways insult. Also as said above, it doesn't matter whether you're married or not, in my opinion.

But some people are like that with regards to family labels. I'm not against that way of thinking if that's what they choose, but to throw it into that text to you was a bit OTT.

Don't know, can't say I have a certain opinion on it for definite, but I would definitely feel a bit miffed. I would perhaps say, ''You weren't kicking off anything before but with the addition of that ''married'' comment, congratulations on starting something now. ''

 

[lisamarie]

yes i understand about being busy and accepted that it was a mistake and all was forgot about till the nasty txt this morning....i forgot to say that my little girl is not my oh's and we have really worked hard to bring her family life to normality it just makes me feel like she doesn't class her as part of the family. me and oh have been together for 2 and a half years getting married 4th september and got a lo one due in april.............thanks for replying...just needed to vent every thing

 

[surprisebaby]

yes i understand about being busy and accepted that it was a mistake and all was forgot about till the nasty txt this morning....i forgot to say that my little girl is not my oh's and we have really worked hard to bring her family life to normality it just makes me feel like she doesn't class her as part of the family. me and oh have been together for 2 and a half years getting married 4th september and got a lo one due in april.............thanks for replying...just needed to vent every thing

oh I get it now!!! Yeah in that case I do see it a little differently. I can see why you're hurt about it now. xx

 

[Minstermind]

I can understand the need to vent alright. My son isn't my husband's child either (he's 7), but that never stopped his family from accepting him and using the labels as if he were (grandson, nephew, cousin, etc). It really is lovely that family would include others in the unit like themselves, particularly as children are so young and don't know any better and are happy to have family (in my opinion). Oh wells, what can you do about some that don't? Regardless of that, though, she shouldn't have sent that text this morning. It was just worded in a really assy manner, in my opinion, and I wouldn't blame you for wanting an apology.

 

[Quartz]

maybe look at it from her perspective she probably thinks she was being nice by sending your little girl a card and never thought about the aunty and uncle bit or it was a mistake and then she gets an phone call about it and is probably hurt and upset that it was and then in a moment of anger sent out the message and she may well regret it now. I know I am prone if I am upset to say things that I dont really mean.

By the way I dont know what your relationship is like save for this one instance - if it is usually very good I would just leave it.

 

[~NEL~]

It seems like ur s.i.l is being petty not you. Your OH has accepted your lil girl, so should everybody else. I think you deserve an apology esp for the 'not being married yet comment' x

 

[Quartz]

Sorry just seen the bit about it not being your OHs then yes I think you do need an apology as it maybe that the initial card is not a mistake. I have issues with my SIL as well (which is why I was reading the thread) and have to calm myself down so I dont cause issues with my OH family.

 

[lisamarie]

thankyou to all you lovely ladies for you replies as this was my first post here.... i've got to say that my lo is only 4 so does not remember life without them and all oh family do act as though she is part of the family its just this cow!!!!!!!!

 

[Blah11]

IMO it sounded as if everyone overreacted a bit!

 

[lanaross]

oh sweetie, they are uncle and auntie regardless whether or not you're married I am sure she didn't want to hurt you in any way, just takes a while to get used to the new status. It's the power of miscommunication, I am sure. I had the same with my MIL when she didn't even call to congratulate me, but when I had it out with her turned out I misunderstood everything and it was her hurting - she thought I didn't want her involved since we didn't tell her about the pregnancy together, just my OH went to the house and let them know. They are both very excited and at this point I kind of wish she'd stop force feeding me all the time The point is that you never know what really happened, but I am positive she didn't mean anything by it Keep your chin up

 

[cb1]

Sometimes it's difficult to understand what peoples motives are, and to mis-read things people do. Reading this I've just realised that all the xmas cards I've sent to husbands nieces and nephews I've signed with our names, and not from aunty and uncle.

 

[Lara310809]

I wouldn't have banned her from the house at xmas, but I can understand why you did. It annoys me when my husband's stepsister doesn't refer to him as "Uncle _____" when she's talking to her kids. My husband considers his stepsiblings as full siblings, but they clearly don't think the same way, and to me that's sad.

My husband doesn't have any other siblings, so can never be an uncle by blood. He loves his nieces and nephews, but they don't see him as an uncle... and me as their aunt? That will never happen. I can get over that, even though the kids have known me all their lives, but for my husband it's sad that he isn't counted.

Ironically, my husband is close to his cousin, and with the birth of this baby, we're telling her she will be "Auntie ______", and I'm sure it will be the same way when she has kids.

 

[Momofquinn]

maybe she was just stressed and having a bad day. You only have control over yourself, and your reaction. So you have to figure in the big picture, does it matter what she thinks. If so I would just try to talk to her about it.

 

[Jody R]

I wouldn't have been upset about Auntie and Uncle not being on the card. Our neices and nephews from both sides of the family don't call us Auntie and Uncle and we don't write it on cards to them either.

I would have been a bit annoyed about the 'not married yet' comment but I don't know what the situation has been before this. Have you asked them to call themselves Auntie and Uncle and does your little girl already call it them? If not, they might have felt a bit pushy just writing it on the card.

If they are used to her calling them it though then it could just have been an honest mistake in the hurry of writing lots of cards and the stress of moving house being on their minds.

I wouldn't ban her from the house and demand an apology though, I think that might actually make things worse.

Sometimes families can be like chinese whispers, you were upset so you asked your DP to ring his brother who then talked to his wife who sent you a text...by the time what you said to your DH reached her ears it might have sounded like you were angry and having a go about something that she thought was an honest mistake and so she reacted angrily and hastily and sent you the text and you react even more angrily and ban her from the house.

She shouldn't have made the "not married yet" comment because if your DP is committed to you and your daughter and is a father to her then you and she are already family. But if you had calmly explained to her that you were not kicking off, just asking why they hadn't put Auntie and Uncle when your daughter thinks of them that way, she might have apologised anyway.

But if you are demanding apologies and banning her from the house then she is more likely to reacted angrily herself. Possibly even she may end up getting all the sympathy from the rest of the family and you will look like the bad one in this situation.

 

[mrsthomas623]

IMO i think you may have over-reacted to the signing of the card, could have been an oversight at a stressful time of year. But her response was not warranted and quite rude. I hope you all can patch this up and enjoy the holiday!

 

[Seity]

I always sign things to my sibling's kids with just our names. Sure we're their aunt and uncle, but that's just not how I sign things.

 

[MiissMuffet]

I've never thought of it like this b4- my sister has a present for my LO for xmas i wonder if she will put aunty or not. I really don't think it would bother me too much, i think they do just sound like busy people and until your LO is here might not be thinking like that. Remember as hard as it might be not everyone is as excited as us for being pregnant, as I dont know about u but my baby is pretty much on the top of my mind all day all night, but i dont expect her to be everyone elses top priority. i would just let this one slide to be honest hun x