My silly OH can't make his mind up *Wee bit of a rant, sorry guys :s*

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Third Trimester' started by rwhite, Dec 20, 2009.

  1. rwhite

    rwhite Mum to Lachie and Clem

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    Much as I love my OH, his indecision with this baby has been driving me up the wall!

    I understand that he's scared and never really wanted this baby to happen, because we had a slip-up on the pill (antibiotics, I didn't really give extra protection a second thought as I'd been okay before :dohh:), but sometimes I just feel like slapping him and saying snap out of it!

    To start with, he had asked if I would consider getting an abortion, when he knew very well that I would never do that when I was in an acceptable position to support and raise my child and give it the love it deserves - we'd had that discussion before and he had always said he would support my decision. I had always wanted to have children rather young (I would have perhaps liked to have been a couple of years older, 22 or 23, but I feel like I've done a lot of the things as a young person that I want to do), whereas OH wanted to be 30/35 when he became a first time father. For me, that was never really something I would have compromised with - a first child at 30 or later has never appealed. So he really feels as if he's stunted now.

    For the first few weeks after finding out, he was very clear in his disappointment, but said that this baby had better be a boy because then at least it makes it not so bad. That makes him sound like a jerk, but I suppose a lot of men might feel that way, as a consolation :shrug: I'm not sure. Anyway, he got his wish and we are having a little man.

    Things are mostly okay now, he had seemingly come to terms with the fact that we'll be having a child, but every now and then he will say something frustrating. It's odd, because he tells everybody he knows that he's going to be a dad in March, and that he's pleased about it, but then goes and says silly things to me.

    About a month ago he said to me "You know, things would be much easier if this just wasn't happening...sometimes I wish it wasn't" - I was sort of like, well it's a little late for that now, isn't it? Baby's due in less than five months and you've had a fair while to get used to the idea. Why say that you're excited if you're going to turn around and negate that?

    But then he'll say things like "I'm going to take little Oliver out every weekend, he's going to have so much fun" etc etc, saying how cool it will be to raise him and run around with him.

    Then just this week he's said to me "It would be nice if baby could just stay in your belly, wouldn't it? Just be like he is at the moment". My response was "Hmm, no? You're not the one that has to deal with the cramps and aches and pains and all that jazz. That, and I'm actually looking forward to meeting this little person I've carried for almost 7 months.."

    Sorry for the rant and the length of the post, it's just driving me bonkers the way he'll say one thing and then turn around and say something completely opposite... Is anybody else's OH saying/acting like this, because I feel so confused and don't quite know what he is feeling right now :blush:

    xxx Thanks for listening ladies
     
  2. eddjanuary10

    eddjanuary10 Well-Known Member

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    hey! :) i think your oh is probably just finding it difficult to adapt to the idea that he's going to be a Dad, with some guys sometimes it just does not sink in until baby is here in their arms! It seems he is really trying to see the positive side of it by the way he talks to others & he is sharing his fears with you (in a silly man way). sure things will click into place once baby arrives, its a massive life changing thing & prob a bit harder for him to take in if he never imagined being a dad early in life. fings x'd you manage to smooth things out good luck take care x
     
  3. redpoppy

    redpoppy Well-Known Member

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    I don't know either of you but from what you've said, in my opinion, he's actually dealing with it really well!!!!

    I never wanted kids when I was younger and cannot even begin to imagine how I would have acted if one had been thrust upon me. I think it's fair to remember that it can be VERY difficult for men in this situation. Of course there's the school of thought which would say that its' his responsibility to make sure you dont' get pregnant considering his views but the fact there are extenuating circumstances means that it was an easy thing to overlook. I understand that as a pregnant woman you want all the support you can possibly get BUT at the same time he's gone from not wanting a kid for another MANY years to supporting you and gettign excited about his child. Just as we can't be expected to have certain emotions and expectations of what we SHOULD be feeing its fair to say men are the same. He sounds like a good guy and although it might be painful to hear his doubts I imagine the reason he tells you and no one else is because he feels close enough to you to do that? :shrug:

    I think he needs time to come to terms with everything and to be honest there may ALWAYS be a part of him that regrets havign his child now instead of when he is in his 30s. That doesn't make him a bad person but he, unlike you, may not feel like he's done all the things he wanted to do and experienced as much of life as he wanted or expected before becoming a father. From the sound of things he will love his child and maybe even start to realise that it IS the most amazing experience of his life. But its not as real to men until they're here compared to us women who have to carry the baby.

    Maybe talk to him abotu WHY he wanted to have his kids so late and assure him that you can still do many of hte things he wanted to do WITH a child (for example travel) so he wont' miss out. :shrug:
     
  4. Freyasmum

    Freyasmum Mum of 2

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    It does sound as if he is coping with it pretty well... putting a positive spin on it with other people seems like a good sign to me.
    I guess with you he feels comfortable talking about his fears as well though. :shrug:

    It is definitely harder for the father before baby is born. We have an entire pregnancy to bond with the new life we're growing, but for them it really doesn't start until they've got the baby in their arms. I know with my OH he showed pretty much no excitement (or interest even) before Freya was born, and she was planned! He has been a fab and devoted dad to her... and is now showing the same lack of enthusiasm for the new baby. :)

    I think the fact that he can share those thoughts with you just goes to show how close the two of you are, which is a really good base to work from. Things will change after your baby is born. (assuming you don't kill him in the mean time!!)
     
  5. becky77

    becky77 mum & 3rd tri

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    I think your oh is having a little trouble getting his head round things which is quite normal as he cant feel him kick or wriggle so its not so real to him , he also sounds like he is slightly scared by it all as men find the responsibilty quite scary , i think he is doing ok just every now and then his fears get the better of him and the enormity of having a little person dependant on him , dont get me wrong i know its the same for you but i think men and women handle things differently . Hang in there i think he will be fine once he meets his son . For the record our first pregnancy was planned but when we found out we were having twins my hubby had a melt down pnicking about coping etc but he is the most wonderful dad ever and im sure you will both be wonderful parents too xx
     
  6. rwhite

    rwhite Mum to Lachie and Clem

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    Thanks for all the great replies ladies :hugs: Really means a lot to me.

    You're right, he was really keen to travel and things (he's 21, 22 in Feb) while he's still young and I understand that. But I've said to him at least if we have our kids while we're young, then they'll be out of our hair by before we're fifty hopefully and then we can go travelling when we are more likely to have the funds to do so - my parents did this and thoroughly enjoyed themselves. Let's just hope that costs aren't too much by then!!

    He really is a lovely guy and I love him to bits. I never thought of him telling me these things as him feeling he could confide in me, and that really makes sense, thanks for pointing that out :thumbup: We are quite open with eachother, and I know it can be hard for him sometimes..

    Anybody have any suggestions on helping him feel more connected with baby? He loves feeling him kick, and seeing my belly move around, so that's something so far..

    xx
     
  7. 21Rach

    21Rach Mum & TTC

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    also maybe the whole "stay in the tummy" thing... maybe he thinkin *huff this lil man is gonna nick all the attention i'm getting from my woman, hmmmm.. if he stays in there, i'm still her main man, i like that idea* hehe i think when he says those nice things treat him in a way like a child, not like totally patronise obv but praise him slightly in recognition of his positive thoughts and ideas... i'm sure u do already tho hun. jus sayin. hehe. xx
     
  8. rwhite

    rwhite Mum to Lachie and Clem

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    I think you may be on to something there, actually...:thumbup: He has mentioned his worries on me giving the baby all my attention, I suppose it's only natural for awhile. Though I have a strong inkling he won't be able to tear his attention away from bubs either! xx He'll be fascinated by this little person who's half of him.
     
  9. becky77

    becky77 mum & 3rd tri

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    I know it might be pricey but what about a 4d scan to help him see his little son other than that just let him feel him kick and talk to him or maybe a cheap doppler so he can hear baby wriggling around in there . x
     
  10. rwhite

    rwhite Mum to Lachie and Clem

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    I would have loved a 4D scan but they don't do them in our city, it's such a pain :lol: That, and he's difficult and doesn't want to see bubs on a 4D scan, as he says he'd prefer to have a surprise of seeing what baby looks like when he comes out! Each to their own hehe.

    We have a doppler which has been really good, but I put him off because while moving it round it gave off feedback which was really loud through the headphones. He's scared now :haha:

    xx Thanks for the suggestions though hun
     
  11. suzib76

    suzib76 Well-Known Member

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    awww i think he is maybe just doing the usual man worry thing, sounds like he is going to be ok once the lo arrives x
     

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