My story

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by Melle, Dec 11, 2009.

  1. Melle

    Melle Member

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    Hello there! I would like to share my story of my miscarriage. This may be long:blush: I tried to shorten it as much as I could!

    It was on October 15th, the day of our 3 and a half year anniversary. I was afraid, my boyfriend was angry. I remember sitting on the toilet looking at the other line lightly coming up. The first thing I thought was "What the hell am I going to do?" The 16 days while I was pregnant I went through hell. My boyfriend blamed me, he told me that it was either him or the child, his mother thought it would be better to get an abortion (I understand that she is only trying to protect her child, but I wish she would understand that I am doing the exact same. It also pissed me off how she would say that, the child was her GRANDCHILD, not a stranger), people gossiped about me, people still continued to be (pardon my french,) assholes to me, the doctor was VERY obvious how she thought abortion would be the best idea and on some days, while everyone around me was worried about their university courses, I was worried how I was going to be a single mom and feed our child. The first week was a roller coaster of emotions. I cried ALOT, my boyfriend and I exchanged some colorful language. But it wasn't all misery, I have had depression for the last 4 years, when I found out I was pregnant it was like a miracle, I was emotionally stable and strong, also my mother and I got a lot closer. 2 days before the miscarriage happened, my boyfriend finally agreed to be in the hospital room with me when I was in labour, things were finally getting better.

    Halloween night, I remember going to sleep with the thought that I was going to be bleeding the next day. I thought it was just a silly/paranoid thought and brushed it off. That night in my dreams random images of blood on my underwear came up, and i kept returning to this school.

    When I woke up in the morning, I saw blood on my underwear, I had just started bleeding. I went through denial thinking it was nothing that I was just fine, that it possibly couldn't be a miscarriage. Later that day, my mom and I went to 3 different clinics. 2 were closed and 1 told us to go to the hospital. My boyfriend came running to the hospital, I had a blood test, my hCg was 333. after 4 or 5 hours the doctor came in and said it was probably a miscarriage. I held on to the fact that it was "probably" and there was a chance that it was a mistake. The next day I went for an ultrasound. The baby was gone. I still couldn't believe it, when I got the results of another blood test to see my hormone levels, it was zero. I cried in the middle of the street. I told my boyfriend I bet he was happy about it, he told me "No, I would never wish this upon you."

    A few nights before the results my boyfriend (while drunk), said to me this: "I know I'm drunk when I'm going to say this but I'm too embarrassed to say this while sober, but I'm really sorry the way I acted while you were pregnant, I was a pretty big asshole." That made me so happy to hear I nearly cried!

    The day after the results I slept all day, I woke up at 6 feeling like crap. I was tired of everything. I decided I wanted to end this all, I took 19 pills of prozac. I felt sick immediately, I went to sleep, it was all going to end.

    When I woke up, I was in the hospital. Apparently my mom heard some cluttering in the bathroom and checked in on me and saw me have a seizure on the bathroom floor with my pants half down (attractive, I know;) ) If I think about it, the last thing I remember was thinking "Oo! New toilet paper (LOL)" I can vaguely remember the paramedics at my house asking me questions, me pushing away the air mask, waddling to the stretcher, being in pain (which I later realized was from the IV), and going to the bathroom in the hospital. I also got to drink a bunch of charcoal, it tasted lovely :growlmad: (I stopped and my mom woke me up again and yelled at me to drink it.)

    The doctors told me I was EXTREMELY lucky. I should have had more than just 2 seizures, that I should really be having my stomach pumped and I should be in another room receiving intensive care.

    Before I was admitted to the psychiatric ward, my boyfriend said to me this: "Everyone has a time given to them, whether its a few days or a hundred years. Everyone has a meaning and a message." The time I was in the psych ward I had some time to think to myself.

    People may think I'm weird when I say (write) this, but I think that my baby protected me, I think my baby came to give me a message, that my life IS worth living and that I am quite capable of being emotionally stable. I think that the dream I had with the blood and the school the night before the miscarriage, was my baby saying good bye.

    Although (sadly), many people here have had a miscarriage, I think too that your child came to bring a message to you. I won't lie, it's still hard for me, it hurts knowing that I will never get to see, hold, kiss my child, or watch them grow and have a boyfriend/girlfriend, get married ever. But I believe that somewhere (whether or not you believe these kind of things or not) out there our babies are there watching and protecting us. I know this poem is for pets, but reading the poem 'Rainbow Bridge' (I really recommend reading it) gave me hope. It sure did make me cry a lot, but it let me bring out the emotion that I've been pushing away so hard. I thank my child that.

    I hope from the bottom of my heart, that everyone here is able to find hope again.
     
  2. aviolet

    aviolet Mommy of 1 angel

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    :hugs: :hugs: your story is powerful - and I believe you are right about the message...

    I've been up on a high horse for too long when it comes to babies, I personally always felt it was wrong to bring a child into the world and never understood why people did. i was angry at my brother becuz his wife had conceived, and i was angry that he didn't see how he was hurting this innocent person by subjecting them to this horrible world (i know, that sounds terribly pessimistic). i honestly thought if i ever got pregnant i would just abort. BUT all of that changed when I conceived Justice... she changed my whole perspective - there was a REAL BABY growing in me - how could I purposely kill that?? she deserved a shot at life! I always thought adoption was great becuz the baby was already here and needed a home - well, my baby was already here, and she needed me to be her home...!! I love her in a way I never understood love before - i understand now why people want to have children and that love they have for them, that bond, is SO amazing!!!
    Justice humbled me... she showed me how important children are to this world. I may never have another child, and that will be okay because I still don't know if it's right for me. But I am still a mother, and for those few days that I knew for certain that my baby was growing inside of me, my entire life changed!! Suddenly I saw myself doing things i never pictured before in my entire life - number one on that list was cradling baby Justice in my arms.... and watching her grow up... I miss her like crazy :cry: I'm a very compassionate person so I always knew I could be a good mom - but ... to find out that I'd enjoy it so much, lol... you have no idea how strange it is for me to write those words - people who know me wouldn't believe it! But it's true! this is a monumental change in my life. Justice..... her life made such a huge impact, and her life even though it was only 5 weeks, it was so important. and a gift I didn't deserve. I love in a way I never loved before. and I look at life with a reverence I didn't have before.
    I never wanted her life to be in vain - I named her Justice because I wanted to do her justice by remembering her always and learning from this experience. I was in a bad situation with the guy who was the baby's father - and I knew I should get out of it. Justice also taught me to do just that, and to stand up for myself in all situations.

    good does come from sad and painful things... just gotta keep your eyes open and don't let the pain defeat you.

    :hugs: :hugs:
    sorry for your loss, and I hope you have lots of support from family and friends. :hugs:
     
  3. Melle

    Melle Member

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    Thank you :)

    It's really amazing, how in such a short time, you could love someone so much eh?
    Reading your thoughts for Justice, really makes me think that you would be a wonderful, loving mother who would really make a horrible world seem wonderful to her :)

    It's really is an experience that changes your life.
    Justice really is a pretty name btw :)
     
  4. aviolet

    aviolet Mommy of 1 angel

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    Thank you so much :hugs: I believe you would have been an amazing mother to your baby too and for your boyfriend to say he regretted his actions shows he probably just needed time to process it all and I'm sure he would've made a great father.

    I wish more people could experience what we have - not the pain or loss, but the change on the inside that happens, whatever it is that we can learn and take from this heartbreaking experience, makes us that much stronger.
     
  5. veganmum2be

    veganmum2be 1 Son two angels.

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    hello hun.

    thankyou for posting this.

    i too have had depression for a long time, 5 years, and was on medication for that, i have a variety of mental health issues, i have attempted suicide alot, i was never really happy.
    the day i got those 2 lines, i felt a reason to live, i'd go as far as ssaying my depression was cured, i was actualy happy, i had not felt like i did for so so so long. i finaly saw a future and felt i had finally been given my reason to stay alive. i stopped wanting to die and everything was good. sadly that only lasted 5 weeks, cos on my 8 week scan, my baby was dead. i have never felt more heartbroken or down.

    and yes i believe this baby gave me a message, a message saying that being a mother is what i'm meant to do, it makes me happy.
    but i just dont understand why my bean was taken from me.

    i'm dreading the day my bean leaves my body. cos then it will be real. and once again i will have nothing to live for.
     

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