My Story...

[TaraLynn]

I am new here. This is my first post. I've been dying to get this all out and it feels so refreshing to finally find a place to do it.

My husband and I tried for 4 years to get pg. We started as soon as we were married because we knew it could take a while with my endometriosis. After 6 months we began to see doctors and we saw many many doctors, spent a lot of money on medications and testing and what not. Did 5 rounds of IUI and were finally told we were NOT going to get pregnant on our own. We should either save up for adoption or IVF. After doing our research we decided we would begin to save money (still unsure which route to take) and take a break from it all for a little bit and just enjoy eachother. As you all know TTC really does a number on any relationship.

Shortly after our break I also received a new job... and a few months later we found out we were pg! It was a rough pregnancy, but in the end I had a happy, healthy little boy who will be one year old next month. IT was worth all of the struggles once I held my baby boy in my arms that very first time.

After my little Kiernan was born, my husband and I decided that we were not going to prevent getting pg right away, though we werent going to actively try either.

In September I started to get what I thought was my endometriosis pains back. The pain was so bad I would almost pass out, I had hot flashes and had the chills at the same time... and had the worst AF ever. I was devastated that my endo came back so bad. Then a week and a half later I got antoher period, odd, but assumed things were a bit out of whack. Then a week and a half later another... I finally called my doctor to see what was going on.

Had an appointment and she poked and prodded and took blood tests. I called the next day and the nurse made me feel like I was SO impatient for not waiting, but I wanted to know what was wrong with me. She said "well your pregnant, but your numbers are really low so you are just really early"... I was in shock! I was pregnant again? OMG that is great news... then it all hit me like a ton of bricks. The reason I went to the doctor in the first place, the pain, the bleeding... I wasn't really "early" I was miscarrying. I asked her to re-read my chart and make sure she was reading mine. I even called back again that night to make sure... I bought tests and they were all positive.

They sent me for an Ultra sound (which my doctor scheduled for me before we knew about the pg just to see what was going on internally with all the bleeding). I wanted to ask the tech questions but she was the most rude and heartless tech I have ever had. she wouldnt answer any questions. I wanted to know if she saw my baby. a heart beat. if there was anything there. She just kept asking me questions, ones that scared me more than I had been. To top it off she ended with "I am going to have the radiologist review this, don't leave until we talk to you" and she sent me to sit in the waiting room, with all of the other glowing mothers with there big bellies, filled with live babies. All the excited mothers waiting to see their babies, to find out the gender... to see the heart beats... and I was waiting to be told that something was wrong.

The radiologist came out and told me that there was something in my tube and I needed to see one of the doctors on staff right away. My doctor was off so I couldnt see her. They sent me into the room and the doctor looked upset. He said that it was an ectopic pregnancy and I needed to go immediately to the hospital for an emergency laparoscopy. Meanwhile my husband was at work for a 24 hour shift, and I had left my son at daycare almost 45 mins away for this appt. He said to take care of what I needed to and then get to the ER. I don't even remember how I got to my son. My husband met me there with his mother. She took care of my baby while my husband and I went ot the ER. I spent all night there with them poking and prodding me. The doctor on staff fortunately decided AGAINST surgery, she was displeased with the INCORRECT reading of the ultra sound. There was no ectopic. They monitored me over night and then sent me home to let things take care of themself.

a few weeks later and my numbers were back down to 3.75 HcG. I lost my baby and with it I feel like I lost a piece of me. I feel like I shouldnt feel this sad, but I cant help it. I can't function normally. I just want to grieve and move on and I can't. No one wants to let me talk about it, it makes them uncomfortable I think. And all I want is to cry in someone, anyones arms... I just want to be held. To be told its ok. Its normal to feel this way. It will get better.

 

[lisacn]

i'm so sorry for your loss its heartbreaking, you cannot function normally after such a loss. I've had 2 mcs in 5 months, I've been off work for 3 weeks now. I go to counselling which helps, its good to talk to someone about how you feel face to face.

You need time to grieve for your loss and it is normal to feel this crap. If you can take time off from your job do so and concentrate on you. It does get easier with time but you'll have bad days where seeing something will just set you off, for me its babies, I've burst into tears in Starbucks and Tesco this week alone.

We are here if you want to talk some more, big hugs

 

[amotherslove]

wow.. i am so sorry for your loss, and that nobody will acknowledge it.. what an awful feeling.. and an awful way to have people treat it. i can tell you that the way you feel right now IS normal. unfortunately i cannot tell you it gets better, though i have heard it does.. as of yet it has not gotten better, i finally got my daughters ashes back from the funeral home a few nights ago and it has been over two weeks that i've known lily was dead.. and just over one week since i gave birth to her.. and so healing has not yet happened.. but if everyone else says it gets better.. maybe it does.. i hope it does for you much love and my thoughts are with you and everyone else one here.

 

[SabrinaKat]

Although I am pregnant again, my mc was two years ago and for a good six months afterwards, I was not great--my anger, my frustration, my utter hopelessness was something that few people could understand, except those ladies who had been through the same. I had the mc in August 2009 and started to see a counsellor around Christmas 2009, and slowly, she helped me to realise that everything I was feeling was completely, sadly, NORMAL!

How you feel is normal, and every lady here completely understands! You are not a bad person, but are trying to cope with one of the most difficult things that can happen...

please give yourself a break, and remember all long and how you grieve is up to YOU; even now, I am nervous and anxious that this pregnancy will end badly (and I'm 24wks!), so try and rest, relax and try and take it easy....

best wishes

 

[TaraLynn]

Girls, I cannot thank you each enough for your wonderful posts. While it helps to know that there are people out there who understand my feelings it makes me so sad to read each of your stories, and to be reminded that the reason you understand is because you have been here or are here. Im sorry for each of your losses.

I don't understand why these things happen =/

I feel like everyone around me skirts around the issue and changes the subject because it makes them feel uncomfortable. My family is always SO close and recently I don't feel it. My mom has been so busy and all she does is talk about whats going on in her life - it makes me feel like she is too busy to ask how I am. My husband is so supportive, or tries to be, but I need more from him. He seems so uninterested when I feel I need to talk about it.

To top it all off I still dont feel "right" physically. Ever since I have had a pain in my stomach, dull but nauseating right between my ribs and bad back pain. Is it just stress from everything? Anyone else have this?

I just feel like I barely had time to know I was pregnant... but even though it was quick, even though I knew it was ending I held onto this tiny sliver of hope that things would turn out ok. It's actually really pretty rediculous how much hope I had, I truly thought a miracle could happen.

..sorry I am venting and ranting again.

 

[lisacn]

its not ridiculous to hope, you can never hope too much for something as precious a baby. It has taken time to feel physically right after my 2nd ERPC but I think that is due to the perforated uterus and loss of blood. I've had more aches and pains as well. I do think stress makes it alot worse. Its been 16 days now.

I have to say having a counsellor does help, you'll find some people jsut don't understand and that some will say things that will upset you. That is why this website is such a great help x

 

[TaraLynn]

its not ridiculous to hope, you can never hope too much for something as precious a baby. It has taken time to feel physically right after my 2nd ERPC but I think that is due to the perforated uterus and loss of blood. I've had more aches and pains as well. I do think stress makes it alot worse. Its been 16 days now.

I have to say having a counsellor does help, you'll find some people jsut don't understand and that some will say things that will upset you. That is why this website is such a great help x

I am so thankful for this site. I know I should probably see a counselor, just not feeling ready yet. Its been just over a month now since the day I found out I was pregnant and was losing/ lost the baby. It makes me sad that I dont even have a date or know for sure how far along I was. Thank you so much for all of your advice and support, Lisa... it means so much!