I am new here. This is my first post. I've been dying to get this all out and it feels so refreshing to finally find a place to do it. My husband and I tried for 4 years to get pg. We started as soon as we were married because we knew it could take a while with my endometriosis. After 6 months we began to see doctors and we saw many many doctors, spent a lot of money on medications and testing and what not. Did 5 rounds of IUI and were finally told we were NOT going to get pregnant on our own. We should either save up for adoption or IVF. After doing our research we decided we would begin to save money (still unsure which route to take) and take a break from it all for a little bit and just enjoy eachother. As you all know TTC really does a number on any relationship. Shortly after our break I also received a new job... and a few months later we found out we were pg! It was a rough pregnancy, but in the end I had a happy, healthy little boy who will be one year old next month. IT was worth all of the struggles once I held my baby boy in my arms that very first time. After my little Kiernan was born, my husband and I decided that we were not going to prevent getting pg right away, though we werent going to actively try either. In September I started to get what I thought was my endometriosis pains back. The pain was so bad I would almost pass out, I had hot flashes and had the chills at the same time... and had the worst AF ever. I was devastated that my endo came back so bad. Then a week and a half later I got antoher period, odd, but assumed things were a bit out of whack. Then a week and a half later another... I finally called my doctor to see what was going on. Had an appointment and she poked and prodded and took blood tests. I called the next day and the nurse made me feel like I was SO impatient for not waiting, but I wanted to know what was wrong with me. She said "well your pregnant, but your numbers are really low so you are just really early"... I was in shock! I was pregnant again? OMG that is great news... then it all hit me like a ton of bricks. The reason I went to the doctor in the first place, the pain, the bleeding... I wasn't really "early" I was miscarrying. I asked her to re-read my chart and make sure she was reading mine. I even called back again that night to make sure... I bought tests and they were all positive. They sent me for an Ultra sound (which my doctor scheduled for me before we knew about the pg just to see what was going on internally with all the bleeding). I wanted to ask the tech questions but she was the most rude and heartless tech I have ever had. she wouldnt answer any questions. I wanted to know if she saw my baby. a heart beat. if there was anything there. She just kept asking me questions, ones that scared me more than I had been. To top it off she ended with "I am going to have the radiologist review this, don't leave until we talk to you" and she sent me to sit in the waiting room, with all of the other glowing mothers with there big bellies, filled with live babies. All the excited mothers waiting to see their babies, to find out the gender... to see the heart beats... and I was waiting to be told that something was wrong. The radiologist came out and told me that there was something in my tube and I needed to see one of the doctors on staff right away. My doctor was off so I couldnt see her. They sent me into the room and the doctor looked upset. He said that it was an ectopic pregnancy and I needed to go immediately to the hospital for an emergency laparoscopy. Meanwhile my husband was at work for a 24 hour shift, and I had left my son at daycare almost 45 mins away for this appt. He said to take care of what I needed to and then get to the ER. I don't even remember how I got to my son. My husband met me there with his mother. She took care of my baby while my husband and I went ot the ER. I spent all night there with them poking and prodding me. The doctor on staff fortunately decided AGAINST surgery, she was displeased with the INCORRECT reading of the ultra sound. There was no ectopic. They monitored me over night and then sent me home to let things take care of themself. a few weeks later and my numbers were back down to 3.75 HcG. I lost my baby and with it I feel like I lost a piece of me. I feel like I shouldnt feel this sad, but I cant help it. I can't function normally. I just want to grieve and move on and I can't. No one wants to let me talk about it, it makes them uncomfortable I think. And all I want is to cry in someone, anyones arms... I just want to be held. To be told its ok. Its normal to feel this way. It will get better.