Need help..

[AK89]

I have always been prone to depression, stress and anxiety. Even when I was a little kid I remember my parents and brothers used to have to go through relaxation techniques with me when I was going to bed 'cause I just used to stress for no reason. And that has never changed.. But recently - since I had my DD - it's got a lot worse.

I feel like I'm constantly near the end of my tether / clinging onto my temper for dear life. The tiniest little things trigger me off - usually something very minor somehow not going to plan - and I just fly off the handle. Or some days I just can't help but feel utterly depressed.

I'm SO happy with my life. All I've ever wanted is a baby and now she's here and she's perfect. She's a really good baby, doesn't cry very often, sleeps well. And on top of that my OH only work weekends so I have him here to help most of the time. Yet still I feel like this! I feel constantly on the brink of meltdown. Sometimes I can't help but drop off the edge. The other day I ended up just leaving the house and driving somewhere and sitting in the car ignoring phone calls from my OH and mum, and gouging away at my hands and arms with my car keys 'cause it was making me feel better. It was only a couple of days before Christmas and I had to cover my arms so my family didn't see, and when one of them ended up seeing anyway had to make up that I'd scratched myself on some bushes. My self esteem has gone out of the window. The fact that I can't deal with life on a day-to-day basis makes me hate myself because it's so pathetic. Other people deal with all sorts of crap and here I am with my easy, nice life and I can't even handle that.

Sometimes I feel totally normal and contented and fine.. and then one little thing goes wrong and it ruins my whole day. My OH has constantly gotta help me and that makes me feel even worse. He shouldn't be responsible for my happiness. I worry that one day he's just gonna have enough and leave me. This isn't helped by the fact that the other day (the day when I hurt myself) he told me there's been lots of times when he's considered leaving me (as retaliation for me saying he doesn't give a shit about me - he meant it to make a point that he DOES because otherwise he would have left a long time ago).

As I said, I've always been prone to this sort of thing, but in the past it's just been more like bouts of depression here and there, or just getting more stressed out than most people at stressful situations. But now I get stressed out beyond repair at things that probably couldn't even be classed as stressful situations! I think back to the days when I was more "normal".. I did a degree and I spent 9 months living alone in a foreign country. And now I sometimes can't even cope with nipping to the local shop for a loaf of bread.

I've been to the doctors about it and they gave me a letter to send off to get counselling which I did about 3-4 weeks ago, and I'm still waiting to hear back about an appointment. I did go back to the doctors about a week after the first time I spoke to them about it (at my 6 week check up) because they said to go back if it got any worse and it did. I think it got worse because they told me I'd probably have to wait until after Christmas (and this was in November) and I think that freaked me out. I've spoken to my health visitor too as my GP said this might hurry things along. I even told her I sometimes think about hurting myself (it was on the questionnaire) and still not heard back.. I know there's a lot of people out there with problems so I expect a bit of a wait, but it is frustrating..

I would never do ANYTHING to harm my baby, so please don't reply if you're going to express any sort of doubt as to the welfare of my daughter 'cause that would just make me feel worse..

I suppose I'd just like to hear from anyone who's had experience with this sort of thing, or from anyone else really.. I just need to know it can be fixed. Feeling a bit like a failure and just want to get myself back to feeling normal so I can carry on with my life with the addition of my beautiful little girl! I initially didn't want to take any sort of medication as I don't like the idea of it, especially since I'm breastfeeding, but I'm coming round to the idea 'cause quite frankly it seems like a more favourable alternative to the situation right now, which is me constantly teetering on the edge of sanity/reason and my OH having to be on standby to pick up the pieces..

 

[ButterCup17]

So sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I also suffer depression and anxiety. It comes and goes and sometimes I need mess and sometimes I don't. I stopped them when I was pregnant and surprising did well but once he was born I was a wreck. I think I cried nonstop the first 3 weeks. Then the more I cries the more guilty I felt and I cries for feeling guilty and it just kept getting worse! I went back in my meds and it made a world of difference. There are options that are safe for breastfeeding as well. And good for you for seeking counseling, that's a very hard step for most people. I am a counselor myself (for children). I would def keep calling ur Dr to try to get things sped up. In the mean time make sure u do things to make ur self feel better. For me that was as simple as making sure I took a shower everyday. Hope u start feeling better soon xoxo

 

[AK89]

Thanks for your reply it helps to hear from someone who's been through something similar.

Yeah I'm starting to think meds might be my best option. At least just as a temporary measure.. I just feel like I have no control over my emotions and then get down over wasting the early days of my baby's life.. she's not gonna be this tiny for long and the idea of feeling awful a lot of the time and looking back on it and regretting not doing more about it terrifies me! It does just feel like some sort of chemical imbalance.. I mean I know I've always been a bit of a stresshead and susceptible to depression but I've never felt like this before and it just isn't me. And I'm hoping that with therapy - and maybe for a while meds - I'll be able to turn that around altogether and hopefully be even better than before! That's how I feel about it right now anyway.. ask me in 5 mins and I may well tell you I don't think I'll ever be able to get better and there's no point even trying!

 

[ButterCup17]

It will def help and you will feel better!

 

[Miss Magic]

Oh I'm so sorry to hear your feeling this way, definitely go back to the doctor and get some medication , your baby deserves to have a happy healthy mommy.
Gosh I'm sorry to hear that your hurting yourself ! Have you told your doctor about this key incident ? Maybe you should talk to your family about it too, support is always a good thing to have. I'll be praying for you ! And you can PM me anytime if you just need to vent or talk
Sending you lots of love !

 

[AK89]

No I haven't seen my doctor since.. I have booked an appt for Friday to see if he can hurry things along and to discuss the possibility of taking some sort of medication.. Just the thought of it is making me feel guilty and I can't explain why! Maybe because I'm breastfeeding and I'm worried about it affecting LO through my milk? I dunno.. A lot of things make me feel guilty these days!

I definitely need to try something though. It's only actually come to self harm a couple of times but every time I get to a certain stage I have to literally fight with myself internally not to. I just get so angry with myself.. But it's not fair on my OH or my LO. I know she doesn't understand much at this point but i want to stop it going further otherwise she will start to take things in one day. And I screamed at my OH the other day (the day when I hurt myself) and she cried hysterically it broke my heart. It mustn't be easy for my OH to see/deal with either.

So I'll just see what the doctor says and what my options are on Friday. I just can't wait to get back to myself. . Even my old self who got stressed more easily than your average person. Anything but the me that can't even take the slightest thing going wrong and flies off the handle all the time and just generally feels like a maniac!

Thanks for your replies

 

[xQuinnx]

Hi ak89 reading your story I saw so many similarities between what you're feeling and how I feel. I feel that the littlest thing will ruin my day then I can't stop crying, I'm convinced my husband will leave me and that my baby should have been born to someone else.
I hope your counselling appointment comes through soon. Does your GP know your breastfeeding? There should still be some medication options for you be able to keep breastfeeding without it passing to your little one

 

[AK89]

Hi Quinn Yeah he knows I'm breastfeeding and he has already mentioned meds to me so I was assuming there would be something out there that's safe while breastfeeding.. still feel inexplicably guilty though!

It's horrible isn't it.. I'm sorry to hear you feel the same way but it is good to know I'm not the only one and that it's probably a lot more normal than you'd think. Sometimes I convince myself that I've become this horrible, boring, naggy old housewife that gets really stressed/depressed all the time and needs constant assistance and that my OH is gonna leave me any day now, but he insists this isn't true. Like I said I've had problems with stress/depression/anxiety in the past and he's always stuck by me and been really good at dealing with it, so when I think rationally about it he'd have no reason to leave me now, now we've got a child together! But now more than ever I can see the need for counselling. Just because he's had to put up with it for a long time, doesn't mean he should have to keep putting up with it. I feel like I can't stop looking at it from his point of view, and feeling bad for making him put up with me, but my friends/family (well, one friend and one family member that I've told about my problems!) tell me this is silly and I should try to stop feeling like that.

And I do sometimes just feel cripplingly guilty when I'm sat there crying/stressing for no reason and she's just sat there completely oblivious to it, smiling and cooing at her doll, or crying alongside me and I don't feel up to dealing with it (this doesn't go on for long btw!)

I just can't wait to come out the other end.. but at the same time I don't wanna wish away these precious first few months! It's like a catch 22!

Have you asked for counselling? Or are you on any medication?

 

[xQuinnx]

I feel the same about my husband! Like how can he put up with this? But he has so why would he leave now? I think some of my family are getting a bit fed up or they'll come to see me and day 'but you're doing so well, baby's thriving' etc but that doesn't help because inside I don't feel right.

My health visitor was meant to visit but never turned up (apparently she was sick and her office didn't cancel her appointments). I've got an appointment to see a service called birth reflections as I still feel traumatised by the birth and they can refer me on I think. If not it might be a trip to the GP x

 

[Left wonderin]

Hi guys , you poor things . Sounds like you are suffering with pnd .( post natal depression ) feeling guilty is also a symptom . I definetly would go back to the doc and talk about meds . You both sound like your doing a super job as mums and AK your baby is beautiful . Take it one hour / one day at a time , be kind to yourself . Being a new mum is tough going especially when your not feeling 100 % . Talk to as,any people as you can about how you are doing / feeling you will be surprised by the amount of people who have also been there . My sister had it and eventually after struggling for months told me how she was feeling , she went to the doc and got meds which she took for 6 months . She has never looked back . Oh she also went to cognitive behavioural therapy which really helped .

Enjoy your LO,s , every second you can and look after yourselfs . In no time at all you will be feeling back to your old self xx

 

[AK89]

I think that's a big issue for me.. looking into the future. I think if I could just manage to start taking it one day/hour at a time I'd be much better off. I'm a classic over thinker.. I sit here and obsess over why my baby's doing this and why she's not doing that. I stress about how I'm gonna deal with the weekend when I'm gonna be doing this and that. I get down about never seeing my friends anymore and dwell on the fact that my best friend is probably gonna cancel on me on Monday again.. I stress about my OH smoking and wonder when he's gonna quit. I wish I could just switch my mind off sometimes!

I also realise I've got these completely unfounded ideas that my LO just can't survive without me. Like even for a few hours. I'm really having to try and work on this and tell myself I'm NOT completely indispensable and she'll be fine if I leave her with my mum for an hour or 2.

I definitely wanna try CBT. And possibly the meds.. my Dr appt is later on, will update after

 

[AK89]

Been to doctors, he's prescribed me Paroxetine (I think! I forgot to memorise the name of it before I handed the prescription in and am going to collect it later but I googled antidepressants that are safe during breastfeeding and there's only 2 and the name of this one sounded familiar!) He says he agrees I should take it as a temporary measure to help me while I'm waiting for counselling. He's booked me in for a review in 4 weeks. Says they should start to work in about a week. Can't WAIT to start feeling normal again.. I know there might be side effects and I'm not expecting them to literally transform me back into my normal self, but any step in the right direction sounds good to me at the moment.

Quinn, I highly recommend going to your GP about it. I feel better now that I'm simply being proactive and taking steps to put it right.. Hope you're feeling better soon

 

[Left wonderin]

AK delighted you had a good GP visit I'd give tabs 7-21 days to take full effect . Meds by themselves help but combined with therapy kicks depressions butt !!! Lol..... There are some useful cbt on line resources / work sheets that are really good while waiting for counselling . In between all that spare time you have with a new baby most importantly keep talking , try explain to hubby how your feeling , talk to a friend talking is depressions Enemy !!! The more talking you do the less powerful it is ...

Ill be here checking in to see how your doing how was your day ? Mine was ok . Got good news from the doc that my thyroid levels are dropping . I'm 42 wanting to ttc no2 but can't right now as have had post partum thyroiditis . So we can keep each other company whilst we get better oh and anyone else who,would like to join us

 

[xQuinnx]

Thank you left wonderin. Any ladies that are or have been on anti depressants regarding PND what was the time scale? x

 

[AK89]

Thank you Left wonderin yeah I've been talking a lot about it lately, particularly in the last week, and it does really seem to help. Not only has it helped me to offload it, it's made me realise how crazy I'm being and how far removed from reality I've actually become. It's like subconsciously I feel like I can never be apart from my LO.. like she's entirely dependent on me! Today my OH took her to his mum's for a good few hours and I went for a coffee with my mum and sure enough baby was fine! Talking has also helped my OH understand how I feel so he can help me out. He's been so amazing I don't know what I'd do without him..

My GP recommended using Mood Gym which is like online CBT. I started it the other day.. Not loving it so far but gonna try and stick at it. Maybe something you could try too Quinn?

I've realised I need a break from my motherly duties a bit more often. Just having a couple of hours to myself today did me a world of good..

Ooh I've never even heard of thyroiditis! What does it mean..? Hope you can start TTC soon!

 

[Left wonderin]

The online mood gym sounds good must check it out post partum your thyroid goes wacky , hyper ( loose weight , become anxious , palpatations ) n lots more . Then it swings to hypo or under active , feelings of depression , weight gain , fatiuge and so on.... It usually burns itself out after 12-18 months but does effect fertility while its out of sinc .

 

[AK89]

Oh.. my doctor did say he was gonna check my thyroid come to think of it but I thought it was to do with something else I was there for (was asking about discoloured nails and stiff, sore knees too)

Oh the joys of reproduction! Good job they're worth it eh?

 

[xQuinnx]

I had a quick look at the mood gym, I can't believe it's free! That's amazing. It's reassuring to hear your positive doctor stories, I'm really trying to put it off for a few reasons. The first is I saw my doctor (a different surgery though) when I was having lots of anxiety problems a few years ago, they prescribed me citalopram (anti depressant) and said it was a temporary measure until I had CBT. No referral was ever made, they then told me I should take it for the rest of my life and when I went back reporting side effects they said it was my condition and that I was depressed which was not the primary diagnosis. The second reason is I'm so scared of being judged or having this haunt me and my notes forever the third is I'm a mental health nurse so I feel I should be able to help myself! I know that it's nothing to be ashamed of but as I'm going through it I think it is...maybe that's depression itself talking? I don't know. I think I've always had a very negative view of myself but it's never been inescapable as it is now thanks for listening ladies x

 

[Left wonderin]

Quinn I have experience of depression , my oh was diagnosed this past summer . I'm a social worker and family therapist and I missed all the signs !!! I felt so guilty !! He was the one that said I don't feel ok and took himself off to the GP . He is on meds srequal 50g and has attended cbt . Now he has good and bad days but is so glad he went and got help .

My reaction to it surprised me ! I've been working with people suffering from depression in therapy for years but when it came knocking on my door it was a wake up call ! I didn't understand nearly as much as I thought I did . Its been some learning curve .
I do now know that the start of things improving is going for help and realising that it really is no big deal to suffer with it. Quinn I think you are right saying its depression effecting how your thinking about things. If your concerned about going to your GP find another clinic who does walk ins . Pnd is a naturally occurring thing which you have no control over , no more than I do with my thyroid ! Actually somethimes pnd can be wrongly diagnosed and actually is your thyroid

 

[xQuinnx]

Thanks left wonderin. I guess it's very different when it's close to home. If never heard of your thyroid being affected until this post sounds horrible