Need some support...

[greeneyes27]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post here so hello

My plan has been to have a home water birth very much since the first few weeks that I found out I was pregnant. Reasons for doing it were mixed really, the hospital only have one pool, I'd like things to be as natural as possible and I just think I'd be more calm at home as the hospital as an environment tends to make me very anxious. I'm obviously prepared to go in if anything changes at all with my pregnancy or there is any risk of complication.

So I was doing ok until now, I've hired a doula and done so much research. I've let the midwives know my intentions and they support me. The only thing is that my family are absolutely against it, they are unwavering in there battle to change my mind, to the point where they are starting to make me feel a bit frightened of making this decision and to be honest, frightened of giving birth at all. I've tried to talk to them about it, or at least shut them up, but they won't listen and its starting to really upset me.

I felt so confident and calm, I'd been working on my breathing, started some hypnobirthing DVDs and read so many natural childbirth books that I really thought I could do it.

I just feel so sad now an worried about my choices. I also feel that if I end up having to go to hospital then my family will also have a sense that they have won and I'll get all the 'I told you so's....'...

Please help

x

 

[milkmachine]

tell your family to sod off its your pregnancy and your baby its nothing to do with them where and how you birth x

 

[greeneyes27]

tell your family to sod off its your pregnancy and your baby its nothing to do with them where and how you birth x

haha, yes I suppose I should do just that. The problem is that they've already shaken me up a little bit. This is my first baby and they've dug out all the horror stories. Now I'm thinking but what if something does go wrong, it will be all my fault for making this decision.... x

 

[Thegirl]

How far are you from the hospital if you did need to transfer? If it's not that far then don't bother fretting about their horror stories. The midwife won't put you or the baby at risk and would move you if they deemed it was necessary.
Pregnancy can be stressful enough, without everyone weighing in with their opinions-and generally they are just opinions and stories rather than facts. If you've done your research and are happy with your choice, then stick to it. Just tell them you are still deciding on options and don't need their opinion to make up your mind.

 

[JenStar1976]

If you were in hospital and there was a "complication" with your labour and let's say that you needed to have an emergency c-section, then it would take the theatre at least 15 minutes to prepare for the surgery. If the same scenario happened at home, your midwife would ring the hospital and they would start preping. An ambulance would be at your house within 6 minutes and then blue light transfer you to hospital (I'm not sure how far away you are from your nearest hospital?). Equally, if your birth was fine but there were problems with your baby's breathing, then the midwives have all the kit they need for resuscitation (and again, an ambulance would only be 6 minutes away if needed).

It's very difficult for family members who have no knowledge or the real facts of home birthing, to understand your reasons for your decision. They are understandably worried about you and their grandchild. I remember saying to anyone who gave me a "look" when I mentioned homebirthing, that my midwife is fully supportive and she is a healthcare professional. If it wasn't safe, then there'd be a ban on it! I'm sorry that your family are highlighting the negatives about homebirths, but those circumstances also apply to hospital births too! It's such a shame as, like you say, it's having an effect on all the hard work that you're already doing in preparation, and that's the key to a successful hombirth in my eyes: the mental preparation. Carry on as you are: use your relaxation techniques to block out their negative thoughts and just think about you and your baby. Hopefully your family will come round soon. But also remember to come on here with your concerns, rants or queries - a problem shared is a problem halved. xxx

 

[snagglepat]

This must be horrible. No-one has the right to force you into anything in you birth. It's your body, your baby, and you probably won't do this many if any other times in your life so you need to be able to aim for the birth that you want to remember - and you will - for the rest of your life. I wonder if an ultimatum might be in order. Threaten to exclude them from any discussion about the baby, or even with contact with you for the rest of your pregnancy if they won't be supportive, or of they can't be supportive, to at least not be negative about your choices.

Don't let them win on this. It's perfectly possible to approach birth with positivity and excitement, especially with home birth. It can be so joyous and beautiful. Don't let other people's negativity make you lose out on that. It's their doubts and fears that are causing the problem - and I bet not one of them has done the research you have to inform their thoughts and feelings. If they're not willing to engage and be supportive then they don't deserve a place in your pregnancy and birth.

Have you tried printing out a page of home birth stats or other research that proves the safety and benefits of home birth? It may be just that they're misinformed. If that doesn't make a difference to them then you may have to threaten more drastic action if they don't buck their ideas up. Sometimes a few forceful words can be all it takes to make someone stop and reconsider their actions.

As for getting your positivity back, is there a home birth support group near you that you could go to? Being around other home birthers can be wonderfully reinforcing. If not, just spend an hour or so reading through a load of the birth stories on homebirth.org.uk. I think it's very normal to have wobbles about our choices in pregnancy and birth, whatever they are, and especially first time because it's all such an unknown, but as someone who had a home birth for her first, I wouldn't have wanted it to be different in any way and I'm so so glad I made that choice, for me, our daughter and our wider family. You deserve a fair chance at that too.

Good luck!

Gina. x

 

[greeneyes27]

Thank you all for your responses. It's nice to talk to people who understand and don't just shoot me down straight away. With my family we're almost at the point where we argue immediately when the subject gets raised. My Mum has regaled me with stories of horrible midwives, people in agony and babies born with problems - no wonder it's getting me down hey?!

Still, I am determined, I'm just having a down day when I'm doubting myself. I just never wanted to doubt myself as I worry if I start doing that then it's starting the fear pattern which ultimately is going to make things more difficult.

I'm only 10 mins max away from the hospital so it wouldn't be a huge journey if I needed to go in. The only thing is with this that I was considering having the birth at my partners house and that is 20 mins away from hospital... maybe I should plan for my house so that it's nearer - any thoughts?

Thank you all for replying, its so nice to talk to people who are interested...

xxx

 

[milkmachine]

tell your family to sod off its your pregnancy and your baby its nothing to do with them where and how you birth x

haha, yes I suppose I should do just that. The problem is that they've already shaken me up a little bit. This is my first baby and they've dug out all the horror stories. Now I'm thinking but what if something does go wrong, it will be all my fault for making this decision.... x

if something is going to wrong it will go wrong no matter where you are sweets x

 

[JenStar1976]

I'm only 10 mins max away from the hospital so it wouldn't be a huge journey if I needed to go in. The only thing is with this that I was considering having the birth at my partners house and that is 20 mins away from hospital... maybe I should plan for my house so that it's nearer - any thoughts?

20 minutes for us mere mortals would probably be about 10 minutes for a flashy ambulance. xx

 

[snagglepat]

On the distance issue, 20 minutes in a normal car would be 5-10 in a blue lighted ambulance. The timings Jenstar mentions above are faster than round here, where even if you're in the consultant unit and are having a top priority emergency section the maximum time limit from 'call to cut' as they put it is 30 minutes. OK, so five minutes of that would be you in theatre getting a spinal/general anaesthetic, but that still leaves 25 minutes from the point an emergency section is called for to getting into theatre.

However no midwife is going to wait with you at home until things get so extreme. They will be constantly looking out for the early signs of problems and will start to recommend a transfer in to hospital well before things get critical. I've had a number of home birth clients who have transferred to hospital and have gone on to have normal births with healthy babies who have then asked 'Did I really have to go in?'. The answer to that is probably not but that's only with the power of reflection. If those early signs of a possible problem had turned into an actual problem they wouldn't question it for an instant.

You will have a highly trained midwife with you at your home birth. They are there to make sure you and your baby stay healthy and get through the birth with minimal problems. If anything crops up that makes them feel they need more back-up they'll get you to a place where that is readily available - it's their job on the line otherwise.

I live 20 minutes from my nearest consultant unit and I am most definitely planning a home birth. 45 minutes might be more worrying, but 20 is nothing.

Gina. x

 

[greeneyes27]

Right so I think I'm going to just go ahead with my original plan and have the baby where I wanted to, 20 mins or no 20 mins Hopefully it won't have to come to that - fingers crossed!

Now I just have to get back to my original confident and excited mindset but one step at a time... I have my doula coming over at the weekend who is going to help me out with information.

Thanks all for taking the time to chat, Emma x

 

[snagglepat]

Just out of interest Emma, who is your doula? I might know her.

Gina.

 

[greeneyes27]

Just out of interest Emma, who is your doula? I might know her.

Gina.

Her name is Fay Thompson, I think she's the rep for Warwickshire. She seems really nice

 

[milkmachine]

Right so I think I'm going to just go ahead with my original plan and have the baby where I wanted to, 20 mins or no 20 mins Hopefully it won't have to come to that - fingers crossed!

Now I just have to get back to my original confident and excited mindset but one step at a time... I have my doula coming over at the weekend who is going to help me out with information.

Thanks all for taking the time to chat, Emma x

 

[snagglepat]

I know Fay well. Feel free to let her know you've been chatting to Gina on here - she'll know who I am. You've landed a good one with her.

Gina.

 

[tallybee]

Hi there. Just noticed this thread and had to offer some words of support. I have 2 children (from previous relationship) both of whom were born at home. Both were attended by NHS midwives. I would not have had it any other way - so much more relaxed. I came up against a bit of opposition in my decision to have a home birth, especially with my first. But you know, it is your body, your baby, and it sounds like you have done your homework so stand your ground
My fiance has just had confirmation that his vasectomy reversal was successful, and will be planning another home birth once I get that we're waiting for!

 

[Farie]

Hey there

Ive got to this thread a bit late and it sounds like your feeling good and positive again
Honestly tho hon, don't let anyone sway you, you are doing the right thing for yourself and your bub and thats what matters.

It sounds like you have a great support team so don't let anyone (even family) shake your confidence - there are birth horror stories from hospitals too .. being at home is no more dangerous

I chose a home birth for similar reasons, I want to be active and relaxed and feel that at home I can achieve this best. I'll have my m/w and DH to support me and plenty of distractions! (I'm very envious of you having a doula!)

We are 40 mins from our hospital, but I know that my m/w will organise everything should I need a blue light transfer and will be looking after me every step of the way to make sure bub and I are safe at all times.