Need support and opinions

Discussion in 'Teen Pregnancy' started by J..K, Aug 31, 2007.

  1. J..K

    J..K Member

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    Hey guys, I'm new here. Unfortunately I join with bad news, but I've been searching SO hard for pre-abortion support forums and have had NO luck whatsoever. Either forums ban it entirely, or people are extremely rude ("You did this, if you didnt want a baby, keep your legs shut"). So I'm hoping to get some great advice and help here. It's very stressful and I feel very torn!

    I am 18 years old, (Will be 19 in less than a month), and my boyfriend of 2.5 years is 19, (will be 20 in a month and a week). He's starting school in a few days, whereas I am taking a year off to travel to enjoy life. We had been using BC, I have been on various forms of BC since I was 15 (mom's rule, not mine!). We switched to the Nuvaring about 8-10 months ago and it's been great. We live comfortably and happily. I live in my mom's basement (come on, I'm only 19 and rent is horrific in Toronto!) and I've only recently quit my job. I am extremely intelligent, not to sound egotistical. I have management experience, and I am a certified lifeguard. I wanted to go to school to become a veterinary surgeon, but I've since decided that I'd prefer to be a paramedic or a neonatal nurse (or perhaps child psychiatry, not sure yet!). Anyways, I have strong dreams and aspirations. My boyfriend finished a year of University and is now going to college for Culinary Management. He starts Sept 4th. I am taking time off work because we've purchased a gorgeous puppy who will be arriving by plane on September 18th. We've wanted a puppy for years, and we're finally at the financial point in our lives where we could purchase this 2k dog! She's beautiful. My boyfriend is still working, he works fulltime and is able to support us reasonably well now. But he's going to school and will only work part time during the school year, thus money will be tighter, but not dangerously missing. That's pretty much our "backstory" and a bit about our background/history. I feel it's important for you to know this, in order to help me with opinions, I am not trying to "brag".

    As I said earlier, we are on the Nuvaring, and we use condoms from time to time also, (more for fun than protection) but it's still reliable! Until now. I'll back up a bit....we'd been having problems with my period for a while, while on NR (nuvaring). My period would be missing, really heavy, etc. I went to a doctor who said that nothing is wrong, it's just due to my periodic anemia and lifestyle, and also the BC switch. My boyfriend and I went on vacation the first week of July (to Mexico, it was great) and my period was due that week. I contacted my doctor who told me that I could just insert a new ring, fine. So we did that, life was just peachy. July's period was weird, as sometimes mine are so we thought nothing of it. I truly believe I was not pregnant then. It was a really....sparse period. It was reasonably heavy, heavier than what I've read about "spotting". But it was small amounts over about 3/4 of a week. I barely needed tampons at that time. But one or two days was reasonably heavy, requiring a normal tampon. I felt normal, nothing else was wrong. Fast forward to the end of August now. I feel like crap! I've been sleeping 12-16 hours a day (good god!) and not eating much which is definitely abnormal for me. I've been having painful cramps which I thought was my period! Well I can't remember when my last period was, although we know it was the last week of June, give or take a day. So since we're at the end of August, I went to get a pregnancy test. My second doctor (ok, explaination: my "real" family doctor is a prude. She won't prescribe me BC unless I get pap tests done when *she* wants, etc. I am not comfortable with her, trying to switch. But in the mean time, I go to a GREAT walk-in clinic that sees me as a patient also). Anyways, this prude doctor ("real" one) always tells me that there's nothing wrong, my periods are weird because sometimes I am off a day when inserting the NR. Tells me that everything is fine and I need to trust her. So because of this uncomfort in my lower ab area, I wanted to take a pregnancy test to show her and say "Look, I'm not pregnant but my period is missing and it hurts. Something IS WRONG". So when I took the pregnancy test, immediately the lines appeared. Pregnant.

    Oh. My. God.

    I have always been 100% abortion. I truly feel in my heart that if a family is not READY for the baby, or cannot financially or emotionally support the baby, it's better to end the pregnancy. One of my best friends was a child of the "system", having been given up to group homes, never adopted into a family. This girl got BOUNCED from home to home, city to city. She has behavioural problems, mental problems (she lies), etc. I love her but she got pulled out of our school and moved to a town a few hours away. She is so depressed, yet so alive. I do NOT believe this is best for a child! To KNOW they are not loved, to NEVER have a home. Sure, some kids do get adopted and that is absolutely fantastic. But maybe I'm selfish - if I can't have my child, no one can. I don't want someone else to raise my baby, I want to do that. I absolutely agree with adoption, but it's not for me. However I strongly believe in abortion. Honest to god, I feel it's better to abort a child before they come into the world, with the hardships. And once I have my baby, I won't be able to give her up anyways. So it's either abortion or having this baby.

    My boyfriend and I agreed to an abortion prior to becoming sexual active. We discussed it at length and we both completely agreed. We are very similar in all major beliefs like this. He held me and told me that he will always be here, and love me no matter what. He said he'll support me in my decision whatever it is. We both know that it will be very hard if we keep her. I wanted to be a doctor and he wanted to own his own restaurant! Why is the decision to have an abortion so hard now?! I am chalking it up to hormones. We fully agreed before becoming pregnant that we'd have an abortion and wait until we were entirely ready and the pregnancy was planned. But now the decision seems SO hard! Somehow...I love this baby already. I don't feel I'm ready for a baby yet though....I am a baby myself.

    Hormones are killing me. I am crying one minute, and laughing the next. I feel calm, and then confident, and then I feel so scared and alone. I feel so torn, so silly. Yes, many people will (and already!) have said that if I wasnt ready I shouldn't be having sex. But I've taken the measures necessary to prevent unwanted pregnancy and it happened anyways. Please no comments about "keep your legs shut". But please help me! I would really appreciate words of wisdom, advice, or just feel-good comments. I am not asking anyone to make the decision. This decision is between me and my boyfriend. But I feel so confused, one minute I know in my heart that I need an abortion, the next minute I start thinking "Well, maybe I could keep it...". And it's becoming very stressful.

    Has anyone had an abortion? Do you feel like talking about it with me (either msn or email)? I live in Toronto - abortions are free, legal, and anonymous. But I do have a history of mental illness and I worry that the stress might cause another flare-up or the depression might render me a bad mom. I've researched abortion methods but it's so hard to understand from text on the internet. Also, I am feeling pain in my hip area. It feels like gas almost, but I also have these strange cramps that are usually from hip to hip (kind of ovary area) and sometimes strange pangs. Are these normal? What the heck is normal at this point? Am I being silly by being so emotional? Is this my mistake for getting pregnant? Are the pains just me overreacting? I swear to god my body is making gurgling noises and strange things. Is this my stomach or what? This is the first time this has happened to me - I am scared and alone. Reading on the internet is one thing, but talking to people who know and understand this is another. My boyfriend is here to support me, he makes me dinner and gets me things so that I don't have to get up and get stressed, but there are some things that men will not understand.

    There is one thing I don't understand. I was SO insistant and confident in my decision of abortion - before I got pregnant. WHY is it so hard now? Should I go with what I wanted prior to becoming pregnant? :cry:


    Edit: I just thought I'd add a few things. We ARE both highschool educated. I come from an extremely affluent background. My father walked out during my childhood after being abusive towards me mainly, not my younger sister. We do not do drugs. Okay, we've experimented in HS! But we don't do drugs, we don't smoke (horrible habit!) and we're not really drinkers. We are healthy, have no real medical problems (except for my mental health). And we are reasonably "well-off". We do not live paycheck to paycheck, but we're not extremely rich either. My mom makes enough (90k+) that I didn't qualify for University grants or financial assistance. If we do keep the baby, I will do everything I need in order to keep him/her healthy and we will make it work. I am more worried about..well the decision. I am incredibly smart, very confident and very much a leader. But what makes a good mom? What about my dreams for the future? Apparently we'd be due April 1st, 2008. Haha...I won't even comment on that. (April Fool's Day? A joke? This is anything but. Weird coincidence though, haha).
     
  2. StirCrazy

    StirCrazy Administrator
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    Hi there Jessica,

    Wow that's a long post. Sure is a dilemma and one that I think many younger people find themselves in. I can't really give you any advice as I've never been there (and I think I would be just as confused).

    Why don't you try somewhere like:-
    http://www.parentscentre.gov.uk/forum/categories.cfm?catid=116
    http://www.sofeminine.co.uk/forum/show1_f61_1/having-a-baby-parenting/abortion.html
    I think you'll find that they would have more advice. It's not that we this subject is banned on BabyandBump (and we definitely wouldn't allow rude comments) but I think you'll find most of the women here are trying for a baby and I don't think you'll get many replies.

    Maybe if one of the girls has been through something similar they can PM you :)

    S.C>
     
  3. Imi

    Imi .

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    I have got PG on birth control infact madeleine was a depo injection baby!

    All i can say is whatever you heart of hearts tells you to do .... follow.

    Hope things work themselves out and good luck

    xxx
     
  4. J..K

    J..K Member

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    Yes, wow that was a long post, sorry! Once I started typing, that was it, haha. Funny how much difference four hours makes. The "shock" is wearing off and we're discussing the issue seriously, trying to make a decision but it'll take time of course. Still not sure...when I saw the positive pregnancy result I was scared but also a little happy. It's really fascinating and such a miracle!

    I do apologize, I saw the forums for women who are trying to conceive. I feel guilty, so many women are trying SO desperately hard to have babies, and here I am, accidental pregnancy at 18 and I'm looking for advice or experience with abortion. =(

    Thanks for the replies and links. I will definitely check them out! I really appreciate it, thanks for actually being there. =)
     
  5. Wobbles

    Wobbles WoBbLeWoBbLe
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    There are a couple fo girls here who have experienced abortion but without their say so could not comment on who. Your not alone hun just as my OH says most of the women here are trying, experiencing problems, pregnant or families.

    Wishing you luck in your decision though

    :D
     
  6. Mango

    Mango Well-Known Member

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    Hi Jessica, welcome to BnB! I hope you are feeling a bit better. I do understand your dilemma as my pregnancy also came as a surprise. It's really hard for anyone to give you advice on something of that level because it truly depends on what you're feeling and are comfortable with.

    Both decisions carry responsibility which I'm sure you already know. Just give it some time and keep talking to your SO. Also is your mom helpful, have you talked to her about it at all?

    I think once the shock of it wears off you will be able to think a bit better. I was in shock quite a while and even still I have my moments. However to be quite honest, once you begin going to doctors visits and becoming more accustomed to your lil one the decision can become a bit harder as you will become even more attached to your bump. Caring for a lil one may be more of a blessing and positive change than you initially think :) Sounds as though you have a wonderful support system which I'm sure will be of help to you.

    Follow your heart and try not to race your decision. Also don't feel guilty. Everyone has their own life experiences and your decisions are yours. Good luck and we are here for you :hugs:
     
  7. ablaze

    ablaze lucky mum of one of each!

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    hiya, firstly welcome to b+b, i was in this predicament a few months back( i have 2 young children and fell pregnant on the implanon) i am 20 years old, and had my 1st at 18(pregnant at 17) i was taking a year out from school b4 college!! lol, needless to say ive not been to college yet! however....

    i fell preg unexpectedly and was looking into an abortion, but i had some bad cramping, after a whirlwind of dys i basically woke to found out id had an ectopic pregnancy and that id lost my baby, i was crushed :( my world felt empty! i guess you could say im weird as i was going to have an abortion(maybe!), but i never got to make the choice! just dont rush into anything please...

    looking back i would have kept my little bean...
     
  8. Mynxie

    Mynxie Well-Known Member

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    I'm not going to give my opinion, cause it's not my place, but please don't rush to a decision. Do what your heart tells you.
     
  9. kellythayer85

    kellythayer85 Member

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    Hi, i'm going through a similar situation, we were using protection, but it still happened, i wasnt sure that i was ready to be a mom, im almost 22yrs and married, but still feel so young, but i knew there was no way i could handle an abortion, and i think, deep down, i wanted a baby, im due in march, and just remember, you two are the only ones who can make a decision, either way, dont let other people tell you what to do, its your life.:hugs: i hope that what ever you decide, you both are happy. Good Luck.
     
  10. J..K

    J..K Member

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    Thanks everyone. It's certainly becoming a lot clearer now, but not so much easier!! My belly is now externally sore from all the times my boyfriend and myself have put our hands on it!

    Surprisingly, we don't have a support system whatsoever. As far as my family goes, I've got a mom and a younger sister who is far too young to understand this. On my boyfriend's side there are two siblings, mom, dad, and a couple cousins he's never met. His mom is absolutely insane, we do not get along at all. Both siblings are also younger. I am very glad I have the support of you guys, but it does worry me that if I have the baby, I am so alone. My mom is not strict, but one of those "hard" moms that will tease me (even jokingly) about absolutely everything. She still makes cracks about how once you have a child, life goes downwards. She calls us a "pain in the ass" all the time.

    I am very much not close to any of my family. Mom is too busy with boyfriends and work, and the rest of the family wrote me off once dad walked out. Meh! Their loss, ha.
     
  11. ablaze

    ablaze lucky mum of one of each!

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    "if" you were to have this baby, you would have your own family ;)
     
  12. J..K

    J..K Member

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    Yes that's a great bonus. But I also know that creating my own family just because mine's a wash is not emotionally healthy either.

    Although trust me, I really do want my own family. =D
     
  13. Mynxie

    Mynxie Well-Known Member

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    and you and OH keep putting your hands on your tummy....hasn't that answered your question sweetie?
     
  14. Amanda

    Amanda Mum of 3

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    Blimey hun, that was a post and a half!:hugs:

    Firstly, welcome to B & B.:hugs:

    Secondly, my eldest Kayleigh was conceived when I was on the pill, and the ex used a condom. She was meant to be. Charlie took 5 months for is to get pg, and it was such a long hard 5 months. We've been ttc number 3 since Charlie was born and he's one now, and it's killing me on a daily basis.

    I think what I'm trying to say is that some things are meant to be, and this bean has been strong enough to make it this far.

    But then again, only you and your OH know what's going on in your hearts and heads. Only you will be able to make this decision about your futures. You sound like you've got your head screwed on right, and you will make the right decision for all of you. This may be a termination, and if so, then that will be right for you and no-one's going to judge you hun.:hugs:

    Good luck with your decision.
     
  15. J..K

    J..K Member

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    Thank you. That really does mean a lot to me. My family is constantly harassing me and telling me how I could be better. It's nice to actually get some praise. :)

    I want this baby, I want her SO badly. Yes I want a family of my own, and yes I keep thinking about her and silently talking to her (is that weird?!). But I also have to consider that my dreams for a solid career are very strong. I am also very very young. Very mature in the way I am able to carry myself but truly young at heart. I've got mental health issues to worry about. My family was so messed up that I fear that I'll start to "fix" the problems in my own family, by doing it to my child. You know?

    I know that emotionally, I am not ready for this baby. Physically, apparently I am. Financially, who knows. In my heart I want to keep her. I have been through a lot, I am a strong person. But I feel like I'm adding unneeded stress to both our lives. I want my baby to be able to join the soccer team, go on field trips, live in a nice area, go to the movies with her friends, grow up mentally healthy and stable. I don't feel I can provide this right now. So as much as I love this baby, I am SO torn. I can't provide everything she needs, it would be selfish to keep her. But I love her.

    See my dillema? Is it normal for my thoughts to change so much like this? I know it's hard for you guys to comment but my emotions are EVERYWHERE. Right now I don't even want to talk to baby's daddy and I've told him to basically f-off even though I love him! What is happening!?!?! Today I was SO set on keeping her, I contacted a counseller and made an appointment to see if I could get on a list for childcare and etc etc (looking into the future). And then I went out for dinner, and now I think I want to abort!!!! At least it's not every hour but it's becoming so stressful I don't know what to do with myself. If I abort, I may regret it. If I keep her, I might be scared and alone, and still regret it. :cry:
     
  16. Mango

    Mango Well-Known Member

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    I think what you are feeling is normal Jessica. I did go through the same thing. I'm 26 and considered not having my lil one. I had already finished school, 2 degrees and have a stable career, wonderful relationship with my OH and even still I considered not having my lil one. Each person's reasons and understanding of their lives is different. We can't help make the decision any easier for you but do realise that there is a responsibility with any decision you choose. Just take some time, I think you have time, and decide. Though you do seem pretty attched already and as many say, what is meant to be will be. You may be a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. I think you are!
     
  17. J..K

    J..K Member

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    Thank you guys! It's muchly appreciated. Shock has worn off for me, I'm now making appointments and such. I went to the doctor's, got a blood test done. I will have results after the long weekend (So on Tuesday) and they wanted to schedule an early ultrasound based off the results. That's what they told me anyways. And I've booked an appointment with a counsellor also, to discuss what our options are, financially. There are programs for expectant moms here, where education is paid for if mum undergoes parenting classes. And we're also lucky enough to have OSAP which is for all university bound students. So we're working through it!

    It seems to only be hitting my boyfriend NOW though. His opinions are all over the place now! :wacko:
     
  18. Trinity

    Trinity Well-Known Member

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    Good luck in your decision hun :hugs:
     
  19. J..K

    J..K Member

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    Thank you.

    I really do want to apologize to those who are TTC. I feel like such a bitch for making this huge post about whether or not I should abort my baby that we conceived unplanned, while I know some of you are desperately trying. Makes me feel guilty, heh, it must sting for you. Sorry guys. :(
     
  20. Arcanegirl

    Arcanegirl Bazinga!!

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    Dont worry about it JK, whilst i am TTC i beleive that everyone has a choice.
     

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