Need to get all this out x

[carly_mummy2b]

Hey

I think what im going to write is a bit crazy but...

My LO Vinnie was born nearly 10 weeks ago after a very long 67 hour labour that was in all honesty horrendous, after he was born he was a very difficult baby he is lactose intolerent which took 4 weeks to diagnose, the lactose in the milk caused him to cry with belly ache a lot

I think i had severe baby blues maybe even pnd, my HV did a questionnaire thing and i scored 16???

I know this will sound awful but i spend the first 5-6 weeks of his life horrendously miserable, found it difficult to bond with Vinnie and wondering why i had done this to myself, i was totally overwhelmed with everything and it scared me when it hit me that my life had changed forever and for the forseeable future my life would be unrecogisable, at my lowest point i wished that i had never had him, which believe me i deeply, deeply regret now.

I love my little boy and hate that i wasted the first few weeks of his life living in the grips of utter dispair, i missed out on my tiny newborn baby and i feel so guilty that it wasnt me doing everything for him, bathing him night feeds etc i just couldnt do it and i dont know how i can shift the guilt.

My friend had her baby boy today and i feel this overwhelming envy and jealousy and its really made me upset as it brings home just how much i missed out on with my little boy

Im not sure why i feel so so sad today because i have been feeling better over the last few weeks

Sorry for such a long post, its just i havent got anybody else i can talk to, admitting that at times you didnt feel like you should have towards your beautiful newborn baby is not something that everybody, maybe anybody can understand

If you made it this far thank you so much for reading my post

Carly x x x x

 

[aliss]

I honestly hated my baby for the first 4 months. PND was awful. I know you feel guilty about it but really you shouldn't - it's a tiny speck in your baby's life, you weren't in a good frame of mind, and you can't change the past. Good luck

 

[bathbabe]

It took me 10weeks to get the 'rush of love' everyone goes on about. Just enjoy your baby now x

 

[aob1013]

Oh hun

My son was premature so i was seperate from him for a while .. i never got the 'rush' i was expecting, i still haven't i love him of course, but still..

Focus on the future hun, not the past xxxxx

 

[MrsNovBaby]

Lots of hugs, I honestly would not worry. I bonded with my adoptive Mother at 6 weeks and my brother was 9 weeks when he was adopted and he bonded too. It is never too late. Enjoy him now, look forward not back xx

 

[angel2010]

Enjoy him now. There is no need to beat yourself now. He won't remember anyway.

 

[Cookie1979]

I didnt have pnd, but I did feel down and so so overwhelmed in the beginning. I thought when he was born I would feel instantly happy, instead I felt pretty horrible. Don't get me wrong I loved him from the moment I saw him, but it wasn't what I expected, I never expected the fear to overwhelm everything else. When I thought about the near future I thought my life would involve being stuck in the house with my baby, and it honestly depressed me.

Alot of people feel like you do, it varys in the intensity, but its not the blissfully happy time we all expect, its scary, its hard work and its very very overwhelming.

Don't beat yourself up about it, your baby wont be any the wiser, the important thing is that you now be the best mum you possibly can be and you enjoy it. I no longer feel scared and overwhelmed, I feel happy and I absolutely adore watching him grow and develop in front of my eyes. The smiles, and giggles and watching him reach for a toy for the first time are magical moments and I'm looking forward to seeing many many more firsts with him.

 

[aliss]

Also remember a lot of mothers feel that way they just don't speak about it. My mom was the same, she only recently told me (I'm 27) that my sister is 6 years younger because I was such a difficult baby that she was scared to have another and she was an..erm 'surprise' It's a lot more common than you think

 

[marie73]

Carly - I think there are many of us who can identify with how you feel. Those first few weeks were awful - I remember actually saying to my mom and dad that we should never have had a baby but that was just where I was at that time. Luckily I had a friend who had felt exactly the same - not that you would ever know now looking at her relationship with her 3 year old. It clearly doesn't have an impact on your lo - they're too young to be aware of things like that and as long as their needs are met that's the most important. As everyone says don't beat yourself up about it - look to the future and the wonderful times you will spend together.

 

[happigail]

The feelings you have now are so deep that you will always be a great Mum... The guilt has made you reflect and you will value him so much, don't feel guilty any more, you love him and PND is a bitch who can rot in hell, don't let her have 1 more second of your time xxxx

 

[carly_mummy2b]

Thank you all for your lovely comments, its comforting to know i'm not the only one

Carly x x x x x

 

[jenkins]

Thank you all for your lovely comments, its comforting to know i'm not the only one

Carly x x x x x

You are definitely not the only 1. I think many mums feel the same but to admit it and talk about it feels a bit taboo. Everyone thinks that you should just be grateful to have a beautiful baby - and we are of course - but theres so much emotional stuff and changes goin on.

You can only move forward, any time you spend on regret is only robbing you of today iykwim?

 

[Mrs Dot]

I think every new mum gets the same feelings at some point during those first few weeks, as it is THE most life changing thing you will ever do, and I think as creatures of habit, being pushed in at the deep end with motherhood straight after birth, no one can ever be prepared for how different your life becomes!

Don't make yourself feel guilty hun, it sounds as though you had more on your plate than most people, your little man is such a cutie - enjoy him now and don't beat yourself up for those early weeks xxx

 

[Bucket]

WELL DONE! I think you are very brave for speaking out about this. Many, many mothers are in severe shock after the birth and find that the instant bond we are led to believe exists isn't there. The fact that it's such a taboo only serves to make women feel guilty about something which is totally natural. I took time to bond with my little girl when she was born, and I'm not going to feel bad about that or make excuses for it. Motherhood is really, really hard and you are amazingly strong for getting to where you are now and talking openly about it. Please don't ever feel that you have anything to feel guilty about. Reading your thread really helped me and will no doubt help many, many other mums who have felt the same. Thank you! I hope you can go a little easier on yourself now that you've seen how positively people react to your situation. xxx

 

[aliss]

I wish more girls in 3rd tri were aware of this. I was quite shocked when mine was born and I didn't want him.

 

[OmarsMum]

Hi hun, I felt the same & I couldnt bond until he was 8 weeks. I was soo occupied with guilt & misery , & I thought all this baby thing is not for me. I had a traumatic emergency CS, & I didnt have milk to BF.

SIL gave birth 2 months back, she had a planned CS under general anesthesia (her choice as she didnt want to feel the pain), she was able to BF & bond immediately after giving birth. I felt a bit jealous at 1st as she had the birth she planned for, & didnt have any difficulties to bond or BF. But I really felt happy for her as she didnt go through what I went through.

I dont remember the 1st weeks, but I moved on & that's what's important. I have a healthy thriving toddler, who's doing great, & this is what's really important.

 

[xnmd1]