Need your shoulders to cry on....

Breezy

Mommy to one gorgeous boy
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I'm sorry but I need a rant!!

Bit of background info:

MIL has never liked me. Doesn't like that she now has to share DH with someone. Finally came to terms with me when I moved in with him. DH and I live across the country from our family as he is in the military (which he joined to escape her).

MIL and FIL have been divorced for 16 years and FIL cheated on MIL. He is a great guy but obviously wasn't happy in his marriage to MIL and strayed- not one to judge. MIL still harbors major resentment and tried to keep DH, SIL, and BIL from FIL when they were younger and still to this day doesn't like that DH wants to have a relationship with his father. MIL constantly guilts DH about anything and everything and has since he was young which caused some MAJOR issues with DH's self esteem and has in turn caused lots of issues with our marriage which we are working through as he is willing to talk about his childhood now. (MIL even cries when she doesn't get an extravagent gift from her children for holidays).

DH deployed when LO was 3 weeks old so I have been on my own with ZERO help since then. I have no friends or family down here.

Went to visit our families in April and MIL demanded to have LO to herself for a few hours one day and stupidly I gave in. Had a bad feeling about 3 hours in and I went to pick him up- which upset her greatly. She only wants him alone and not with me there. While with MIL on her own she allowed LO to be on a bed with a 92 pound dog that has NEVER been around babies after express direction from me and DH that he was not to be around any of her 4 dogs, 5 cats, 2 ferrets, and plethora of birds. When DH confronted her over instant message about letting our 6 week old around the dog she said that she "is LO's grandmother and a mother herself and does not appreciate a NEW mother telling her how to take care of him..." (Really?)

Ok..... with me so far? Now on to the current issue and I will try and make this as short as possible as I know I have already said so much.

DH is still deployed and I went home to visit again beginning of last month with LO. My sister was having a graduation party and it was my 8 yr old brothers bday. My mom PAID for us to come down there and even paid the lady that watched our animals. Naturally, I stayed with my mother.

MIL wanted an overnight with LO while I was there and said, "It will be good for you and I think DH will agree. Time for an overnight." UM, no.

I flew in on a Tuesday and being the nice person I am, decided to make her feel special and go surprise her on Wednesday at work as she was going out of town in the middle of the week for a few days and wouldn't have a ton of time to see LO. She was so happy to be surprised. Met her at a lake that she was walking around and then LO had to eat so we had to go back to her house which I wasn't thrilled about as LO seems to have an allergy to pet dander (like his momma!) and although we have animals- I keep on top of the hair and keep the animals away from his play area and this house is generally spotless.

Her house was a disaster. I got a major headache from the stench as soon as I walked in. She wanted to feed LO and he wanted none of it and tried to wiggle away from her. Wouldn't even give her a smile and my boy ALWAYS offers up smiles to ANYONE that will look.

We coordinated a day that would work around HER schedule to see her again and so DH's grandparents could meet LO. OK, all was fine.

She went out of town and came back early because of the heat and never even told me so we could get together. Then, the day that we were going to get together, I told her I could be picked up by her at 4pm and I had to be home by 7pm because I had plans that evening. She was upset that she only got 3 hours but came and got me anyhow.

On the way to DH's grandparents house she barely spoke a word to me but to tell me we smelled so bad of smoke- my parents smoke but outside. I know we MAYBE smelled a little bit but REALLY far fetched as we were NEVER around smoke and my mother waits to hold him or play with him until she has washed, changed, and the smoke smell has gone from her. I would know if we smelled as I don't smoke.

Got to DH's grandparents and they were ooing and ahhing over him and she just sat behind us and pouted or went and did things around the house instead of spending those 3 hours with him that she had. Whenever her mom said "Oh isn't he just so cute.." She either wouldn't answer or gave a half hearted "yeah.." She didn't even HOLD HIM until her mom made her for pictures.

I had sent an instant message to DH from my phone telling him how she was being and he sent her a message and said to stop being mean to his wife. Then, he left for work and so he couldn't respond to her again.

As soon as DH's grandparents left to go to dinner and we were alone she started in on me telling me I am stupid for mentioning FIL's name in her mothers house (I was asked by DH's grandma if we had seen him yet). And that I am NOT allowed to mention it again. She told me I can not tell DH the things she says to me or does to me as he is deployed and not something he should be worrying about. (um, then don't say anything meanly to me and I won't have to???-- I am NOT going to keep stuff from DH). She went on and on throughout the whole drive back to my home and even made me cry!

THEN, 2 hours after dropping me off she texted "Thanks for the visit". WTH!

SO, I decided from then on that any and all communication until further notice would go through DH so I didn't say a word to her. She texted me the next day asking if I could get together with her again. I didn't say a word to her. She then tattled on me to DH saying that I would not answer her and how upset everyone is now that I am keeping LO from her.

DH and I have not spoken to her since as DH doesn't want to deal with it while deployed and I don't want to deal with it period.

Fast forward to tonight and I was poking around in DH's e-mail as information about our bills go there so I have to access that to see them and I saw an email from SIL to DH. Being the nosey person I am, I read it and then marked it as new so he would see it when he got back from work later.

Basically, it said that he needs to grow some ba*** and he has control over MIL seeing LO and that I am keeping LO from her and that if she kept her future children from her future husbands mom her future husband would be livid. So, of course MIL told her a one sided story about how I am keeping LO from her and basically making it look and sound like this is all me and DH needs to stand up to me and tell me whats what. SIL has never even spoken more than 2 words to me and is always mean to DH.

DH hasn't seen this email yet so I am not sure what his reaction will be but I am so hurt, upset, confused about everything!!!!! I don't know where to go from here.....

I know it is not fair for me not to talk to her or see her but it isn't fair for her to be treating me this way either.

I know this has been really long and you are all really busy moms and probably won't get through the whole thing but if you did I greatly appreciate it. Any advice would be appreciated. Am I doing the right thing? Am I in the wrong? I just don't know anymore......

Thanks ladies for letting me get this all out. :flower:
 
That was looooooooooooooooong, but i managed to read it all and digest it, just :haha:

Ok, MIL sounds resentful toward you and DH's r/ship, resentful that he sticks up for you, resentful that hes there for you when theres an issue....but mainly resentful that you have what she doesnt - a successful marriage!

I would suggest the following: Only having contact with her when DH is around, that way nothing can be said and twisted, she sounds like she would maliciously cause problems between you and hubby and shes even egged on SIL.
This way you have back up when shes being a cow again, DH can see/hear it all right infront of him etc, so he knows exactly what his mums playing at too.

But you and DH also have to sit down and discuss how your gonna approach her wanting to spend time with LO, will you allow a few hours at a time, will you allow an overnight stay....you need to be on the same page when dealing with her in future, this way you know from the off-set what your responses will be and you and DH wont clash about it.

Other than that hun, im sorry she was being such a meanie, i hope you and hubby can stick to some firm rules when it comes to her and she wont bother you again in future.

:hugs:
 
That was looooooooooooooooong, but i managed to read it all and digest it, just :haha:

Ok, MIL sounds resentful toward you and DH's r/ship, resentful that he sticks up for you, resentful that hes there for you when theres an issue....but mainly resentful that you have what she doesnt - a successful marriage!

I would suggest the following: Only having contact with her when DH is around, that way nothing can be said and twisted, she sounds like she would maliciously cause problems between you and hubby and shes even egged on SIL.
This way you have back up when shes being a cow again, DH can see/hear it all right infront of him etc, so he knows exactly what his mums playing at too.

But you and DH also have to sit down and discuss how your gonna approach her wanting to spend time with LO, will you allow a few hours at a time, will you allow an overnight stay....you need to be on the same page when dealing with her in future, this way you know from the off-set what your responses will be and you and DH wont clash about it.

Other than that hun, im sorry she was being such a meanie, i hope you and hubby can stick to some firm rules when it comes to her and she wont bother you again in future.

:hugs:

Thank you so much for your advice and SO much for reading my novel! I really appreciate it. :flower: So glad that I am trying to do the right thing by not having contact with her unless DH is there or around. Not fair to him he has to deal with and worry about all of this while he is deployed :(
 
Lellows right, theres a great deal of jealously

she "is LO's grandmother and a mother herself and does not appreciate a NEW mother telling her how to take care of him..." (Really?)

New mother yes. But HIS mother - and his mother will know more than she ever could about him ;)
 
Lellows right, theres a great deal of jealously

she "is LO's grandmother and a mother herself and does not appreciate a NEW mother telling her how to take care of him..." (Really?)

New mother yes. But HIS mother - and his mother will know more than she ever could about him ;)

Not to mention I have done daycare for 4 years before having a LO of my own and she constantly commented on how much I know about children and how she would "never have thought to do such and such.."...
 
Ok super long but well written so I could understand it :thumbup:

I think your MIL does resent you. She seems to be acting as though you have taken away her son and now you are taking away her grandson. Of course you havent but this is how she is acting.

She is most definitely jealous of the happy relationship you have with her son, something she was never able to create with her own husband. She obviously doesnt understand the meaning of being with someone and being open and honest! Imagine thinking you wouldnt tell your OH when she is being a bitch to you!

I completely agree with SB22...we are all new mums but we are our LO's mum and nothing else matters. we can be their mum for 1 hour or 30 years and we will always know more about them than anyone else on this planet!

Your SIL is obviously just hearing MIL side of the story. She knows nothing about it. I would ignore her, she is trying to cause more trouble.

xxx
 
I agree with Lellow. Only have contact wth her when DH is around.

:hugs:
 
I actually like reading long posts.

I agree with elephant29. It sounds like since your mil never got to have a good relationship with her husband she is jealous of yours.

The way she is acting to you (a bit childish) is probably the way she is because it has worked in the past to get her what she wants and so she has no idea about how else to act.

I would try and not talk to her for a few days to let everything settle down a bit. (don't worry about your sil, like someone else said, she only heard one side of the story and doesn't really know what is going on).

I also agree with lellow that you and dh should agree on things before you talk to her next (visitation and such) so you are not the "bad person" who is "taking her grandson away from her".

As far as her letting the dog around the baby, you have every right to be upset especially if you told her not to allow it. Even well behaved loving family dogs can be suddenly aggressive around new people, especially babies. My sister still has a scar from a dogbite she got when she was a little kid and accidentally got too close to his food. You can never be too safe.

I feel bad that you have to deal with this all alone without close family and dh :(
 
:hugs: you've tried your best with her & she's been fighting you at every turn.. your doing the right thing by not communicating with her & letting DH deal with her because clearly in her eyes whatever you do is wrong.. hope DH doesn't go too mad when he read the email :haha: x
 
Massive massive hugs!! MIL sounds an absolute cow-bag and there is definately heaps of jealousy there!
You really are doing the right thing and keeping away from her for a while means she cant cause too much trouble.

Its a real toughie as if it was me, I would be tempted to tell her exactly what I thought of her and how childish she is being but then it is MIL afterall and it would probably make everything sooooooo awkward and make you out to be the bad one even though SHE is totally unreasonable!

Like the others have said its probably best that you only see her when DH is around so he can see what she is like with his own eyes.

really sorry you are on your own through all this, hope our support helps a little :hugs: :hugs:
 
Exactly what Lellow said!!!

She sounds so jealous. That must be so frustrating :(

:hugs::hugs::hugs:
 
Massive massive hugs!! MIL sounds an absolute cow-bag and there is definately heaps of jealousy there!
You really are doing the right thing and keeping away from her for a while means she cant cause too much trouble.

Its a real toughie as if it was me, I would be tempted to tell her exactly what I thought of her and how childish she is being but then it is MIL afterall and it would probably make everything sooooooo awkward and make you out to be the bad one even though SHE is totally unreasonable!

Like the others have said its probably best that you only see her when DH is around so he can see what she is like with his own eyes.

really sorry you are on your own through all this, hope our support helps a little :hugs: :hugs:

TBH hun this ^ is what I'd probably do but I think that would make it worse so I don't think you are gonna get any better advice than Lellows :flower:
 
:hugs:

Sounds like she is resentful and jealous and bitter too! As mentioned by someone else I wouldn't talk to or see her unless DH is around. You have every right to do this. If DH is so worried about making sure your MIL gets to see LO then he will let you know.
 

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