Needing advice and moral support

[Flip flop]

Hi ladies, I’m looking for some advice and moral support. I’m 35 with a ds who is now 5. I’ve been wanting to try for another since ds was 1. Dh agreed at first but then after few months into trying he said he wasn’t keen, it’s too stressful and he doesn’t think he wants another. I was devastated by this as have always wanted more than 1 and it’s a very important life dream of mine. Anyway there have been another 1 or 2 times since then when when we have agreed a ttc date and he’s done the same thing.

The latest is that we would start this year (didn’t actually agree a month). We have been using the pull out method the last couple of years. One day at the start of the year he said before we Dtd he would stay in at the end, so I thought great maybe hes sticking to it this time. But now he’s saying he doesn’t want to rush and justs wants to wait a wee bit longer. I said ok as long as I know it’s coming, I suggested in the meantime maybe he sometimes stays in and sometimes pulls out.

What do you think of all this? Do you think he is fobbing me off? I’m just looking for honest opinions, I really don’t think I’ll cope if he says no again. We dtds cycle days 6 and 11 when he stayed in so this is a small chance this month but I doubt it.

Sorry for long lost

 

[xarlenex]

I think he's got you in an incredibly unfair and very selfish position. To have put you through this for 4 years is not okay, you deserve a definite answer. I would suggest in your own mind deciding how either way would pan out for you, whether it be yous start trying or he says no, what does it mean for your future? Once you know in your mind bring up the conversation and demand the respect and answer you deserve. It's not like we're talking him thinking about it for a few weeks, it's years!

Good luck and I hope he's honest with you xx

 

[jellybeanxx]

That sounds very frustrating and upsetting for you! Have you told him how the constant changing of his mind is making you feel?
I’d try setting some time aside for a really honest conversation. You can explain the impact it’s having on you and he can have a chance to talk about what’s going on in his head and anything that might be putting him off.
Hope you get a resolution soon!

 

[Flip flop]

I think he's got you in an incredibly unfair and very selfish position. To have put you through this for 4 years is not okay, you deserve a definite answer. I would suggest in your own mind deciding how either way would pan out for you, whether it be yous start trying or he says no, what does it mean for your future? Once you know in your mind bring up the conversation and demand the respect and answer you deserve. It's not like we're talking him thinking about it for a few weeks, it's years!

Good luck and I hope he's honest with you xx

Thanks for your support and advice. Al already decided a while ago what I will do if he says no again, as difficult as it will be and however much I don’t want to split up our family that is what I will do. I don’t know how much longer to give him, I’ll play it by ear but defo no later than end of the year.

I’m just trying to play it cool in the meantime, I didn’t get my hopes up to much this time as didn’t want to get hurt again. Had a feeling I’d end up on hear again needing advice.

I just hope that he’s not just fobbing me off, I think he knows what will happen if he does as I’ve threatened it before.

I just hope that it may have happened this month but doubtful.

 

[Flip flop]

That sounds very frustrating and upsetting for you! Have you told him how the constant changing of his mind is making you feel?
I’d try setting some time aside for a really honest conversation. You can explain the impact it’s having on you and he can have a chance to talk about what’s going on in his head and anything that might be putting him off.
Hope you get a resolution soon!

I think he knows how it’s making me feel, it’s almost like he only agrees as he know he’ll loose us otherwise.

However he hasn’t actually changed his mind this time per say, he’s just said he doesn’t want to rush a wait a wee bit longer....although I’ve already waited 4 years so it’s hardly rushing!

 

[Babybum35]

This is a hard situation. Yes you need support and to feel your dreams matter but this isn't the same as if you were being cheated on or abused. Marriage is hard me and dh fight a lot because of stupid reasons really and mostly I feel disrespected but if I had to explain to my daughter why she wasn't living with both mommy and daddy I'm not sure she wouldn't hate me if I told her we just weren't getting along and didn't agree. I agree 4 years of him knowing you want more kids is a long time but you stayed at that moment. Can you even guarantee you would get pregnant if you tried??? I know I cant. Shit happens and can change especially as we get older. Have you even given any consideration to what he wants or his feelings or have you just already decided and it's fuck him he's a douche world?? If it's the second are you hoping a baby saves your marriage?? Are you prepared for him to resent you and maybe leave you after baby??? Can you honestly look at your son and say you were willing to break up his family because he wasn't enough and you wanted more kids but his daddy diddnt??? I know in your head that's not what you are thinking but it is what your son will hear. Maybe ask for some committed effort to ttc and whatever happens in that time happens and if you don't get pregnant or maybe even if you do you and your dh should try counseling and see if there something happening that's not do healthy. I know when my dh feels forced or its timed he feels used and gets angry that's why I never go full on ttc with temping and tracking and only use opks. I'm sorry you are dealing with this though. It's never nice when your marriage doesn't feel like a partnership anymore

 

[WeebabyMama]

Hi ladies, I’m looking for some advice and moral support. I’m 35 with a ds who is now 5. I’ve been wanting to try for another since ds was 1. Dh agreed at first but then after few months into trying he said he wasn’t keen, it’s too stressful and he doesn’t think he wants another. I was devastated by this as have always wanted more than 1 and it’s a very important life dream of mine. Anyway there have been another 1 or 2 times since then when when we have agreed a ttc date and he’s done the same thing.

The latest is that we would start this year (didn’t actually agree a month). We have been using the pull out method the last couple of years. One day at the start of the year he said before we Dtd he would stay in at the end, so I thought great maybe hes sticking to it this time. But now he’s saying he doesn’t want to rush and justs wants to wait a wee bit longer. I said ok as long as I know it’s coming, I suggested in the meantime maybe he sometimes stays in and sometimes pulls out.

What do you think of all this? Do you think he is fobbing me off? I’m just looking for honest opinions, I really don’t think I’ll cope if he says no again. We dtds cycle days 6 and 11 when he stayed in so this is a small chance this month but I doubt it.

Sorry for long lost

I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this position! It sounds really frustrating and tough. Before I say anything, just remember to take everything I say with a grain of salt, as I have never been in your position and am only an outsider looking in.

My concern here is that it doesn't seem like your husband actually wants another kid. So, even if he does "give in" and agree to TTC with you or if you accidentally get ku, I don't think that will solve your problems. There's no way to go half on a baby. If he doesn't truly want one, it's a terrible idea to try to talk him into it. Once the baby is there, it's unrealistic to think that he will just forget that he didn't really want one. Please don't interpret this as a defense of what he's putting you through, I just think you should consider the ramifications of having a baby with someone who doesn't want one. My question to you is, how important is another child to you? If it is truly a deal breaker for you, you need to have an honest conversation with him sooner rather than later. Don't try to pressure or threaten him. You want him to tell you the truth, not just what you hope is the truth. If the truth is that he really doesn't want one and that you really truly do, that is an irreconcilable difference that won't be fixed by giving it more time. Waiting will only serve to damage your relationship further and waste everyone's time.

 

[Flip flop]

This is a hard situation. Yes you need support and to feel your dreams matter but this isn't the same as if you were being cheated on or abused. Marriage is hard me and dh fight a lot because of stupid reasons really and mostly I feel disrespected but if I had to explain to my daughter why she wasn't living with both mommy and daddy I'm not sure she wouldn't hate me if I told her we just weren't getting along and didn't agree. I agree 4 years of him knowing you want more kids is a long time but you stayed at that moment. Can you even guarantee you would get pregnant if you tried??? I know I cant. Shit happens and can change especially as we get older. Have you even given any consideration to what he wants or his feelings or have you just already decided and it's fuck him he's a douche world?? If it's the second are you hoping a baby saves your marriage?? Are you prepared for him to resent you and maybe leave you after baby??? Can you honestly look at your son and say you were willing to break up his family because he wasn't enough and you wanted more kids but his daddy diddnt??? I know in your head that's not what you are thinking but it is what your son will hear. Maybe ask for some committed effort to ttc and whatever happens in that time happens and if you don't get pregnant or maybe even if you do you and your dh should try counseling and see if there something happening that's not do healthy. I know when my dh feels forced or its timed he feels used and gets angry that's why I never go full on ttc with temping and tracking and only use opks. I'm sorry you are dealing with this though. It's never nice when your marriage doesn't feel like a partnership anymore

Thanks for your post. I do see where you are coming from with your thoughts, and believe me I have indeed thought of all these things before. Leaving him is not a thought I’ve taken lightly, I feel guilty even writing it on here. I have considered his feelings but I also have to consider my own, I know that this has caused me so much upset in the past 4 years that I couldn’t be happy staying with him rightly or wrongly. I’ve not been able to come off antidepressants until now it’s been that bad. I am off then now as need to be for tcc and was doing ok until his latest ‘let’s not rush’ now I feel myself going downhill again.

If we do have a baby he may resent me but I don’t think he’d leave and my son would get a sibling. If we don’t I will resent him for sure, probably leave and nobody will be a ‘winner’. I don’t think I’d have to tell my son the reason just that we weren’t getting along. I want another for him as much as for me.

I am aware that it might not happen anyway, all I want is the chance for it.

He won’t see a counsellor I’ve tried to get us to go before and he refuses.

Do you think I’m over worrying about this? All he said was he doesn’t want to rush as it’s too stressful and wait a wee bit longer, maybe I should just take his word and stop worring? Tbh I wasn’t even worried about being in a rush until he said that then I got worried.

 

[happycupcake]

Most men don't generally respond fabulously to pressure, or what they perceive to be pressure, so have you suggested NTNP?

I think what you both want in life is important. If you can't agree on that then perhaps you shouldn't be together? If you both want completely different things, if it pans out that way, then it may be best for all of you to go your separate ways. However, I wouldn't rush into this decision

 

[red_head]

I would suggest that if he’s happy to use the pull out method, he’s not actually that bothered about preventing a pregnancy, as it’s not a safe method of contraception - if he didn’t want children with you at all he would be wrapped up!! I would always say just to talk to him - tell him how you feel and what you want and listen to what he wants to. I doubt he is messing you around on purpose - there is likely something going on for him which makes him keep putting it off - even if it’s just that he’s happy the way things are and wants to carry on enjoying just the two of you. Equally it could be that there is something wrong and once it’s out in the open you can fix it before starting a family. I’ve got very little filter with my husband - I will talk about anything and say exactly what I’m feeling as I think it’s the best way of making sure things are out in the open and doesn’t leave room for guessing and worrying!
All you can do is talk to him.

 

[Flip flop]

Most men don't generally respond fabulously to pressure, or what they perceive to be pressure, so have you suggested NTNP?

I think what you both want in life is important. If you can't agree on that then perhaps you shouldn't be together? If you both want completely different things, if it pans out that way, then it may be best for all of you to go your separate ways. However, I wouldn't rush into this decision

For DS we did NTNP and i assume that’s what we’d do again this time, but even that seems to stressful for him.

I agree if we want separate we should go our separate ways, which I why I nearly left him before but couldn’t go through with it, was too mentally unstable at the time.

I might try and have a quiet word with him about it again to check it’s defo happening as been feeling really anxious about it Today and can’t carry on like this.

 

[Flip flop]

I would suggest that if he’s happy to use the pull out method, he’s not actually that bothered about preventing a pregnancy, as it’s not a safe method of contraception - if he didn’t want children with you at all he would be wrapped up!! I would always say just to talk to him - tell him how you feel and what you want and listen to what he wants to. I doubt he is messing you around on purpose - there is likely something going on for him which makes him keep putting it off - even if it’s just that he’s happy the way things are and wants to carry on enjoying just the two of you. Equally it could be that there is something wrong and once it’s out in the open you can fix it before starting a family. I’ve got very little filter with my husband - I will talk about anything and say exactly what I’m feeling as I think it’s the best way of making sure things are out in the open and doesn’t leave room for guessing and worrying!
All you can do is talk to him.

I’ve been trying to find out for 4 years what it is and it’s mainly that he finds children stressful. I don’t think I’ll get any more out of him than I already have. He has said other reasons in the past too like we don’t have enough money but actually we do, we are better off than a lot of others I know who have at least 2 kids.

I think he finds the serious conversations about it quite stressful which makes me reluctant to bring them up. I can’t say I enjoy them either but sometimes they are necessary.

 

[Flip flop]

Had a wee word with him again and he said not to worry, it’s not him saying no again, he doesn’t think he’ll do that again. The word ‘think’ means there’s still that element of doubt but I don’t think he will either.

 

[Babybum35]

I'm not sure what to say other than that you are emotionally blackmailing him. You are holding a gun to his head and saying if you don't get another baby you are gone. If it was me I would find a way to be happy with one and then just mention with your age the risks increase so you don't want to wait if you are gonna have more. I just think you are heading toward divorce and if you and he don't change things then it's just a matter of time. Honestly having another won't fix anything it will just add to the tension cause anything you do will be focused on your kids. I don't think I would want another in that situation either. It's not fair to anyone but you and face it kids may want siblings but once they are older very rarely do they get along and the older the kids the higher the chance of resentment and feelings of replacement. If you stay now I would find a way to be at peace regardless. I just don't know what else to say except that's hard and no matter what there is no easy answer

 

[Flip flop]

I'm not sure what to say other than that you are emotionally blackmailing him. You are holding a gun to his head and saying if you don't get another baby you are gone. If it was me I would find a way to be happy with one and then just mention with your age the risks increase so you don't want to wait if you are gonna have more. I just think you are heading toward divorce and if you and he don't change things then it's just a matter of time. Honestly having another won't fix anything it will just add to the tension cause anything you do will be focused on your kids. I don't think I would want another in that situation either. It's not fair to anyone but you and face it kids may want siblings but once they are older very rarely do they get along and the older the kids the higher the chance of resentment and feelings of replacement. If you stay now I would find a way to be at peace regardless. I just don't know what else to say except that's hard and no matter what there is no easy answer

I’m not really emotionally blackmailing him as he doesn’t know what I’m thinking of doing if he doesn’t agree, its an internal deadline I’ve set myself and even then I might not be stronge enough to go through with it. He knows I’ve threatened it in the past but doesn’t know that is how I feel now. To be honest it would kind of be the last straw, no relationship is perfect I know but It also would not be fair for anyone for us to continue if I held these feelings of resentment the rest of my life.

Believe me I’ve tried to be at peace and almost was until now when all the feelings started coming back, as I thought we were trying again as he stopped pulled out (his idea) and began to get excited again but I just don’t think I could handle another blow.

I known we have missed the boat on kids playing together (if we have another) but I know that when I was growing up and even as an adult my brother has always been there for me and I couldn’t imagine not having that.

Anyhoo I think it’ll be ok if we both relax a bit, I’ve decided that’s what I’m going to do for now.

 

[happycupcake]

I'm not sure what to say other than that you are emotionally blackmailing him. You are holding a gun to his head and saying if you don't get another baby you are gone. If it was me I would find a way to be happy with one and then just mention with your age the risks increase so you don't want to wait if you are gonna have more. I just think you are heading toward divorce and if you and he don't change things then it's just a matter of time. Honestly having another won't fix anything it will just add to the tension cause anything you do will be focused on your kids. I don't think I would want another in that situation either. It's not fair to anyone but you and face it kids may want siblings but once they are older very rarely do they get along and the older the kids the higher the chance of resentment and feelings of replacement. If you stay now I would find a way to be at peace regardless. I just don't know what else to say except that's hard and no matter what there is no easy answer

I feel this is a little harsh. I don't think OP is emotionally blackmailing him, she wants a straight answer. She doesn't want to spent the next goodness knows how many years stuck in limbo not knowing where she stands which is fair enough. Bottom line is, if she isn't happy to go the rest of her life not having another child, then she shouldn't. If they can't agree then perhaps they aren't right anymore. Not every marriage works out, sometimes people go their separate ways unintentionally because they end up wanting different things so her being honest and saying she wouldn't want to stay in a marriage that ultimately may make her miserable because she can't do what she needs to do to make her happy is fair. That isn't emotional blackmail and isn't holding a gun to his head. He has a choice, so does she. They have to come to a proper agreement together that works for them both, not just one or the other. And I don't recall her saying anywhere her reasoning to have another was to 'fix' her marriage

 

[Babybum35]

Happy- while I certainly don't need to explain or defend myself I do think you don't need to attack anyone for their honest opinion. I read all her posts and had previously replied as well between her other responses as well as the original post the clear message is she wants another baby and if she doesn't get it or feels led on she's leaving fine then leave but don't force everyone else to be unhappy because you don't get what you want. I understand this situation as I've been there and it's not fun but I wish someone had said to me I was being selfish and engaging in emotional blackmail. If her hubby knows her thoughts and feelings even if it's not daily then absolutely it is and on top of it it puts her needs above those of everyone else and is incredibly selfish. I know marriages fail all the time for many reasons and no one should stay in an unhealthy environment but that's exactly what she's doing she's staying to get what she wants and it should be because she loves her husband and wants to be with him as a complete happy family with or without another child. When you are talking about having another baby and things in your marriage aren't healthy or happy a new baby makes it worse cause you can't concentrate on the marriage or the problems and wit more than one child you open yourself to sibling rivalry and if mom snd dad aren't united it can tear the family apart. I know from experience that this happens it happened to me as a child and I was blamed for it. No one has to like what I say but I will tell my experience and be harsh if need be because no family should have to choose between one members happiness and staying together.

 

[happycupcake]

Ok, I'm not attacking you, but I do disagree with your opinion, which is what I was saying. I do think your wording could be different, I don't think it's emotional blackmail and I don't get from OPs posts that their marriage is struggling aside from the fact there isn't really any agreement either way on another child.
OP would like another child, there isn't anything wrong with that. My husband and I have five between us and want another, do I think there'll be sibling rivalry at some point? Probably, but that's going way off topic.
The point is, OP wants another child, her husband appears to be on the fence. In my opinion, I don't think that's fair on her, and saying he wants another then changing his mind and going back and forth is selfish on his part. Maybe he has his reasons, but it isn't fair to toy with someone's emotions like that. You could turn it round and say that that itself is emotional blackmail - "let's have another child, oh nope I changed my mind", could be seen as getting the other person to stay in that marriage by way of holding a carrot in front of a donkey (not calling you a donkey, OP!).
I think you're focusing on one point, possibly because that was your personal experience. That isn't the case with every couple, person, family etc.
You can accuse me of attacking you all you like, dress it up how you like, the fact is is I have a different take on this and a different opinion to you. Sorry you don't like it

 

[Flip flop]

Everyone I did test earlier and thought i saw something but can’t be sure.

 

[happycupcake]

Can you post a photo?