Nervous about MIL possibly moving in...

[Lady_Bee]

Just worried about how it is all going to work! Our house has 3 bedrooms. We have one child already. I was hoping they could have their own rooms but if she comes to live here (permanently) then there is no chance of that. I'm worried about not having privacy, and extra stress at a time in our lives when we already have a lot of stress.

Maybe it'll be fine and I'm just being a worrywart...

She's nice enough, kind of socially awkward, not intrusive, maybe a little annoying sometimes but who isn't... I guess I just feel unprepared for this. A new baby AND a new adult moving in. If i had known I would've made sure we got a 4 bedroom place.

Does anyone have a parent living with them? How do you feel about it?

 

[Storm1jet2]

Oh my, is it for health reasons? I could not tolerate my mil for a week never mind permanently! That said I'd have my dad in a heartbeat

 

[xjesx]

oh dear god...

Is there a way to make a mini apartment as to not take up a bedroom. Like convert a basement space to a studio apartment style with bedroom and living room in the same space.

 

[PierceWife]

Oh dear! We lived with DH mom and stepdad a few years ago for 2 months. How we made it out with our sanity intact I have no idea! Hope all works out for you!

 

[babydustpower]

Oh my. DH asked me what I thought about his mom moving in to help take care of our child. I looked at him and was like "Uh, what am I here for?" Not only does she want to move in, she wants us to pay her..i repeat PAY her 1,000 US a month to take care of the child.

I put my foot down and told DH "No, absolutely not."

Once a MIL moves in, you can't get rid of her. Don't do it!!!

 

[auntiesarah25]

Good Luck! I am in a similar situation. OH's mom will be staying with us temporarily for an unspecified amount of time. She has a new bf and is in the process of selling her house. She is waiting for her bf to ask her to move in and trying to purchase another house also. Hopefully this truly is a very temporary thing for us, and you as well!!! Not sure how I will manage :/

 

[Lady_Bee]

Ahh well this is not sounding positive!

No sadly there is no way to convert another space for her, as it is a condo and already quite compact! So no basement, no nonessential rooms, just the living area on one level and the bedrooms and bathrooms in the other. It isn't very big.

It's not for health reasons exactly. Well, mental health I guess. It's complicated, but she has basically shown herself to be completely incapable of looking after herself and her finances. She is now in a terrible situation and is doing NOTHING to get out of it. My husband is not happy about it either but thinks it would be better to try to salvage things now and get her back on her feet rather than wait for her to make an even more enormous mess of things. I resent that we are having to sort out her life but she is his mom so he can't just leave her to rot alone. She refuses to help herself. It's difficult to wrap my head around.

 

[Lady_Bee]

Oh my. DH asked me what I thought about his mom moving in to help take care of our child. I looked at him and was like "Uh, what am I here for?" Not only does she want to move in, she wants us to pay her..i repeat PAY her 1,000 US a month to take care of the child.

I put my foot down and told DH "No, absolutely not."

Once a MIL moves in, you can't get rid of her. Don't do it!!!

Whoa! That's extremely cheeky of her!! Can't believe she asked that!

 

[Shandelion]

The month I met my husband, his mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. She moved in with him before I ever saw his place when it was his own. She was also unable to take care of herself...everything from crazy money dramas (we might have no toilet paper, but she still smoked 3 packs per day at $7 per pack of ciggs), to hygiene issues (reached for a hand towel in the bathroom and found huge clots of her poop on it), to food issues (she ate an 18 pound turkey one day). She lived two years...I moved in very early, and spent nearly two years as a recluse in our bedroom. I hope your experience is easier than mine! But thank God, it sounds like you get along alright in general. I'd just recommend setting boundaries really, really quickly. Your sanity and your children's health is priority. And enroll her in senior activities to keep her happy, healthy and out of the house a bit.

 

[jem77]

God bless you! There is no way in hell that I would have mil move in with us. She and I would have a throw down very quickly! I hope all works out for you!

 

[zanDark]

Oh dear! My inlaws live downstairs from us in a separate house and even that is too much for me at times even though they're wonderful people Parents can't exactly step out of their "parent" role and can often be intrusive even though they mean well and try to help! My inlaws always ask where we're going if they see us through the window, what are we going to buy at the grocery store, peer out the window to see who's leaving or coming etc...and they do it to help in case they have whatever we need at their house, but it gets really irritating on a daily basis!

The only reason I'd have any of our parents in our home is if they had a severe medical problem and needed care.

 

[xjesx]

Oh my. DH asked me what I thought about his mom moving in to help take care of our child. I looked at him and was like "Uh, what am I here for?" Not only does she want to move in, she wants us to pay her..i repeat PAY her 1,000 US a month to take care of the child.

I put my foot down and told DH "No, absolutely not."

Once a MIL moves in, you can't get rid of her. Don't do it!!!

Move in as live rent free plus a salary!?!

 

[Lady_Bee]

The month I met my husband, his mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. She moved in with him before I ever saw his place when it was his own. She was also unable to take care of herself...everything from crazy money dramas (we might have no toilet paper, but she still smoked 3 packs per day at $7 per pack of ciggs), to hygiene issues (reached for a hand towel in the bathroom and found huge clots of her poop on it), to food issues (she ate an 18 pound turkey one day). She lived two years...I moved in very early, and spent nearly two years as a recluse in our bedroom. I hope your experience is easier than mine! But thank God, it sounds like you get along alright in general. I'd just recommend setting boundaries really, really quickly. Your sanity and your children's health is priority. And enroll her in senior activities to keep her happy, healthy and out of the house a bit.

Thanks for your insight and advice. That sounds awful! I hope it's not going to be anything like that!! I definitely plan on setting appropriate boundaries if/when she does move in. DH will not tolerate her taking up space and not working or doing anything productive, so he will make sure she at least gets a part-time job and tries to support herself and be a little self-sufficient even if she is under our roof. That is how he sees this going. I'm not sure how it will actually pan out, but I'm desperately hoping I won't end up a stressed out angry mess!

 

[Alexas Mommy]

Oh my. DH asked me what I thought about his mom moving in to help take care of our child. I looked at him and was like "Uh, what am I here for?" Not only does she want to move in, she wants us to pay her..i repeat PAY her 1,000 US a month to take care of the child.

I put my foot down and told DH "No, absolutely not."

Once a MIL moves in, you can't get rid of her. Don't do it!!!

Ooh my! What a silly woman!

Ahh well this is not sounding positive!

No sadly there is no way to convert another space for her, as it is a condo and already quite compact! So no basement, no nonessential rooms, just the living area on one level and the bedrooms and bathrooms in the other. It isn't very big.

It's not for health reasons exactly. Well, mental health I guess. It's complicated, but she has basically shown herself to be completely incapable of looking after herself and her finances. She is now in a terrible situation and is doing NOTHING to get out of it. My husband is not happy about it either but thinks it would be better to try to salvage things now and get her back on her feet rather than wait for her to make an even more enormous mess of things. I resent that we are having to sort out her life but she is his mom so he can't just leave her to rot alone. She refuses to help herself. It's difficult to wrap my head around.

Yikes, this does sound like quite the situation- I think it is wonderful that you guys are helping her out, but with a child and another on the way I am not sure I would have agreed to that since it sounds like quite a burden!

Good luck though!

 

[Lady_Bee]

Ahh well this is not sounding positive!

No sadly there is no way to convert another space for her, as it is a condo and already quite compact! So no basement, no nonessential rooms, just the living area on one level and the bedrooms and bathrooms in the other. It isn't very big.

It's not for health reasons exactly. Well, mental health I guess. It's complicated, but she has basically shown herself to be completely incapable of looking after herself and her finances. She is now in a terrible situation and is doing NOTHING to get out of it. My husband is not happy about it either but thinks it would be better to try to salvage things now and get her back on her feet rather than wait for her to make an even more enormous mess of things. I resent that we are having to sort out her life but she is his mom so he can't just leave her to rot alone. She refuses to help herself. It's difficult to wrap my head around.

Yikes, this does sound like quite the situation- I think it is wonderful that you guys are helping her out, but with a child and another on the way I am not sure I would have agreed to that since it sounds like quite a burden!

Good luck though!

Yes I'm sort of regretting agreeing to it now. I spoke to my husband about it this morning and he doesn't feel we have much of a choice. He said our options are 1) deal with her mess now, and 2) deal with her even bigger mess later. I just don't understand why she can't take responsibility for herself. He said she has been like this for years. I think she needs therapy. But we can't even make her do that.

The more frustrating part of it is that her sister and brother-in-law live really near to her in a HUGE house, and they have no kids. They even have an annex with a bathroom and kitchen that is separate from the rest of their house. They don't want to be burdened with her either but they are definitely in a better position to do so, it wouldn't affect their lives nearly as much. I feel like I'm being very selfish complaining about it though so I'll be quiet now. I just wish she would get her act together so we didn't have to make all the sacrifices.

 

[_jellybean_]

Sounds like you have a dh who really cares about his mom, which is sweet. I think it's nice that you agreed to let her move in. Not really sure what to say though, because dh and I have discussed things like this, and we would both let our parents live with us in a heartbeat, but I'm sure it can be stressful.

Is there any possible way to get her to go to therapy? I mean, is she really unable to care for herself? Could she get a small apartment or something close to you, so you could visit often to help her?

Sometimes set ups like that work better--like--your dh could pop into her apt. in the morning, and after work to make sure she has food/bills are done, etc. ?? Could that work? It can be a big adjustment to have a parent live with you.

 

[Lady_Bee]

Sounds like you have a dh who really cares about his mom, which is sweet. I think it's nice that you agreed to let her move in. Not really sure what to say though, because dh and I have discussed things like this, and we would both let our parents live with us in a heartbeat, but I'm sure it can be stressful.

Is there any possible way to get her to go to therapy? I mean, is she really unable to care for herself? Could she get a small apartment or something close to you, so you could visit often to help her?

Sometimes set ups like that work better--like--your dh could pop into her apt. in the morning, and after work to make sure she has food/bills are done, etc. ?? Could that work? It can be a big adjustment to have a parent live with you.

An apt nearby is a good suggestion. I will have to talk to my DH about that! It may be that she can't afford it though. Rent in this area is quite high.

The other thing here is that DH also has a severely disabled brother who needs 24 hour care. He's autistic with some sort of brain damage on top of that and can't even dress himself. He is living in a group home, financed entirely by his benefits, but we will have to find him another group home closer to us if my MIL moves up here, as she needs to be able to visit him regularly etc. So lots of things to think about!

I kind of feel as though we rushed into offering to have her here without fully considering the impact on our household and I think that's really what's making me feel so nervous. It's definitely not a decision to make lightly.

 

[LisK]

It sounds like having her move in with you makes no sense, logistically. It makes much more sense for her to move in with her sister and BIL. Maybe you should put your foot down and try to get them to take some responsibility. It sounds like her moving in with you would not be good for your family.

Alternatively could you have her give you power of attorney over her finances, so that you can make sure she is paying her bills, etc? You don't say exactly what her problems are, but this is a solution that sometimes works to keep a person (who is maybe not responsible enough to be completely on their own) in their current living situation.

 

[lov3hat3]

Its really nice that your thinking of helping her in such a big way. I personally would only let her stay until she got back on her feet, I don't think I could ever live with MIL as a permanent thing I really like my space though and parents will be parents and stick their nose in things because that's what they do!

 

[candycrush]

I think it's lovely of you and hubby to offer and I understand his point about help now or it will only get worse.
Although if I was in your position I would take the following stepd:
1. meet with all close familt who should help and decide logistically what is the best option for her living circumstances (as it doesn't sound great for your own family! )
2) if she is to move in with you, how are YOU & HUBBY going to be supported by the remaining family - they should not get away scot free even if it is just having her over for her dinner twice a week.
3) making it clear to mum what the expectations are if she moves in - how will she contribute to your home costs? will you cook and clean up after her? what if you want family time?
4) decide if this is permanent or temporary, and if temporary for how long - sooo hard to get someone to move out once they are ensconced!
6) finally... what is the back up plan if it all goes wrong? you have a baby on the way so obviously your immediate family are your main priority, what if it is too much for you?

good luck sweetie, lots on your plate that's for sure! xxxx