Never thought I'd post in here

[Love4you]

I have 4 wonderful children ranging from 16 to 17 months. I wanted to give my youngest a sibling closer to her in age as her brothers are so much older.
I was shocked we got pregnant on the first try as I'm 38. But it seemed like I started spotting just days after I got the positive test.
Everybody tells you not to worry, that bleeding early is normal. But I had this gut feeling that it wasn't ok. I kept telling my DH that something wasn't right.
I had an ultrasound at 6 weeks and there was a little bean with a heartbeat. I was shocked. And that scan gave me hope. And I let myself believe it could be ok.
The spotting never stopped. It turned from brown to red on Xmas Eve. I knew it was over for sure. My OB said everything was probably ok as it was spotting and no cramping. But I had zero pregnancy symptoms. And I knew.
Went for my dating scan at 8 weeks today and there was no more heartbeat.
I don't think I've stopped crying since. I tried not to get attached. I told myself it wasn't going to end well. But that little bit of hope just clung on.
I was given choices of how to miscarry. I chose the tablets. The cramping and the bleeding is awful. And I'm so afraid to see the baby when it comes out. I don't know what to do with it.
And I don't understand how to be pregnant one minute and empty the next?
And I feel like it's all my fault for trying for another when I had 4 healthy kids. Like I deserved it.

 

[SourPatch]

Hey, I saw this and just had to sign up and post. I just wanted to say I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I miscarried for the first time on December 17th (baby was about 9 weeks, I was 12 weeks pregnant). I have 7 other children and they love having siblings so this was going to be their big Christmas present.

I miscarried at home and when the baby came out I loved him/her so much and both my husband and I cried and cried. We washed him or her off with water and we also baptized the sweet baby. Unfortunately, I hemorrhaged so bad I had to go to the ER and get a D&C for the rest. You must put the baby in something very cold like a fridge if you can't bury right away and that made me very sad. BUT I was so happy that we'd had the baby at home and the next day we and the kids got to bury our sweet one, in a little round bowl with a lid and lots of little loving trinkets inside too.

You can Google pictures of babies at your week gestation so you can prepare. It's very sad but it helped me get ready.

I also want to say, the best thing for me was that we named the baby. We had a boy's name already picked out so we named him (her) that name with a female alternative. We emailed all our family and friends and told them our baby's name. I did not want to hide the fact that we had a baby and we love our baby and our baby has passed. We still talk about our baby and the kids and they know they lost a sibling and they love him. My parents gave us an angel ornament for the baby for Christmas and while I cried, I know they love him/her too.

Also, you did not deserve the loss. You welcomed a child into your life! That is because you are a loving mom, not because you are a selfish one! My friend once told me, "When you are open to life, you also must be open to the possibility of loss". I hated hearing that and I hate going through this but I know it was a loving act to welcome a baby, and we weep because we truly love our little ones, at any stage of their life.

Finally, I don't know if you are Christian or not, but if you don't mind, I'd like to share my personal consolation. I KNOW (it's not like a fluffy nicety but my belief) that innocent babies who have done no wrong are safe in God's arms. And God keeps them there for us and they are happy. I also strongly believe our babies now have a wonderful intellect and do not want us to be sad. So, I pray to my Little One and ask him to help me get through this very tough time. Someday, I hope I may get to Heaven and then I can be with him forever.

I believe your baby's life continues. Life here is so short for all of us and we can't be measured by our duration in it. One minute, one hour, a thousand days...no matter the length, each of us is unique and special and God will not forget any of us. Time is not His measuring stick. He loves us all the same.

So, anyway, you have a lot to deal with too and I'm SO sorry. I am praying for you though!! I hope you will pray for me!

 

[Love4you]

Thank you so much. Your words made me cry and feel a bit of peace during this terrible time.
I will absolutely pray for both of us and hope that we soon find joy again with our take home baby.

 

[SourPatch]

Thank-you so much for praying for me too!

I hope you experience a little more peace everyday until you feel more peace than sorrow, and then ultimately total peace (without forgetting, I know). That is what I'm working toward, a little at a time.

 

[SourPatch]

One other thing, on a terribly practical note, I bought a little kitchen strainer from the store for every time I went to the bathroom when the clots started coming. I had heard it can be hard to see the baby sometimes and I wanted to make sure I caught him and could even look through it all if need be. It worked for me as he was born in the strainer and we saw him with no trouble. Also, their bodies are very delicate so we placed him on a teensy pillow and did not move him off. We took a few pictures just for my husband and I, but of course, that would not be for everyone. I just didn't want to forget.

If you ever feel up to it, let me know how you are.

 

[SourPatch]

Just wondering how you are doing. I truly hope you are hangin in there!

 

[SourPatch]

Just wondering how you are doing. I truly hope you are hangin in there!

 

[Love4you]

I'm hanging in. Had to have a 2nd dose of misoprostol on Friday due to retained placenta. Hopefully everything is cleared now.
My DH was able to bury the baby in the backyard and that helped give us closure.
I'm definitely thinking hard about TTC soon. I'm afraid of course but I really want another.
Hope you're doing well too.

 

[SourPatch]

Glad to hear you're pushing forward. Hope the placenta is an easy delivery! Also, glad you were able to bury the baby. It was helpful for us, though still tough, of course.

Yeah, TTC is definitely on my mind too. I have heard it could take 3 months for the body to regularize so that's kind of discouraging. I am near your age. I'll be 38 in May. And I am petrified that it could happen again but my babies are worth it to me. I just have to build up a little more resolve.

I'm ok but had a bad day today. It started at night with a dream that I miscarried the baby again but this time the baby was much bigger and still alive. So, I woke up pretty down and everything seemed to hurt me, like the very pregnant lady at church. Then I saw my good friend at the grocery store and she asked how I was doing. I couldn't even respond. I just stood there in the checkout line crying.

I'm better now and hoping tomorrow will be better.

Still thinking and praying for you!

 

[Love4you]

That's the thing I dread the most about returning to work. Crying.
I only told a few people I was pregnant and I texted them about the loss. Their sympathy is going to make me lose it.
And I also can't deal with pregnant ladies right now. I change the channel or hide. It's awful.
I understand your pain. And it sucks.
Hugs.

 

[SourPatch]

Oh my goodness! I stay at home so I cannot imagine the return to work at this time. My husband thinks it would be helpful for me if I went to see friends etc but I'm not used to crying in front of people, even friends. So, the store thing today was totally unexpected and I thought, "Wow, really can't handle the people thing yet."

Right after we found out we'd lost the baby my husband did shed some tears in front of his boss and his boss told him, "It's ok to cry.You lost a child." My husband tells me not to be ashamed of crying for the baby....but more than anything it hurts to be reminded of the loss.

Anyway, I will pray for your strength as you return to work. Is it this week?

 

[SourPatch]

I hope things are much better for you and your family! Just wanted to check in.