New to fourms

[furbyagogo]

I've never posted on a forum before, but thought it may help.
I found out last week that I was pregnant with my first. My husband and I had been trying for quite a short time really (about 4 months), so we were surprised and happy that it had happened.
I'd had some implantation bleeding which soon turned into brown spotting/discharge (sorry!). I'd checked loads of websites that said it was normal so I put it to the back of my mind and started to get excited. I was 4 weeks at this point. Yesterday (1 week later, 5 weeks pg) I started to bleed red which made me so sad. I've been to the doctor and they've done a urine test (I get the result this afternoon), but I've done 3 hpt's since yesterday and all came back negative.
I feel so sad, and the waves of tears just keep coming. I know all of the sensible things; it was only 5 weeks, some people miscarry later, it was our first time trying, its nature’s way of saying something was wrong, its a really common problem, I know all of it. The trouble is every time I thinks I'm processing it and it's okay I get a another flow of tears and can't seem to stop.
I had yesterday off work and was planning to go back today, but couldn't face it. Being a teacher, having to stand at the front of the class and try and be normal was too much to bear.
Like everyone on here I wish it wasn't happening to me. I wish it wasn't/hadn't happened to you. I'd never understood how people could be so sad over a baby they had never met or barely carried, I do now.
Here's hoping we'll all get better and go on to have sucessful pregnancies.

xxx

 

[crazylilth1ng]

Hey... I am sorry you are going through this... It is amazing how something so tiny that has been there for such a short while can evoke such massive emotional responses...

Time off work is the best thing for you if you even slightly feel that you can't cope. I am off work currently and am not decided when I will return.

 

[aviolet]

I am so sorry for your loss - doesn't matter how level headed we are when it comes to logic of "why" it happened (nature's way) or how little time we carry the baby; so much emotion comes alive when we find out we are pregnant, so many dreams start flashing through our minds, and though we have yet to meet the little ones we feel like we know them. it's okay to cry, it'll happen a lot on your journey through grief to healing. it is a rollercoaster ride, sometimes you'll feel like every thing's okay again and the next day you'll be in tears. but it's part of the process. I hope you find comfort here

 

[dimplesmagee]

Your flow of tears are normal...today I did not even realize I was feeling sad about my MC and someone asked me how I was and I started to cry. My tears surprised me. This is my 2nd MC in 3 months-first baby grew to 7.5 weeks (i was 10 weeks) and the 2nd grew to 6.5 weeks (and I was 10 weeks). The first time I cried a lot. This time I almost feel nothing at all, and I have random tears-different things trigger my tears. I suppose this will go on for some time. Time, I think, is the only thing that heals at this point.

I am sorry for your loss! *Hugs*

 

[xSamanthax]

I am really sorry for your loss hun, no matter how far gone you where when you MC it was still your baby so you cry all you need to. We are all here to talk to

 

[Eternal]

im sorry for your loss

cry as much as you need all of us here have

 

[baileykenz]

so sorry x

 

[furbyagogo]

Thanks for all of the lovely messages.
It's day 4/5 since it happened. I went back to work yesterday and didn't think I'd be able to do it. It was hard, but I managed to make it through the day with only around 5 blips. One occured in the morning when a man started talking about his pregnant wife (she's 14 wks). He had no idea at all what I was going through and he is perfectly entitled to be happy for himself and his family, but it crushed me, totally crushed me. I ran out of the office as fast as I could.

Today it was better and I think I'm at that stage where 20mins or so can go by and it hasn't entered my head, I then feel guilty that I'm not thinking about it and that makes me sad again.

I've categorised my feelings into "moments" and "episodes". I've had a fair few moments today where I've had to breathe heavy to stop from crying. My last episode was last night when I was with my mum and I couldn't stop sobbing for ages.

I know this is all part of it, but I'm still feeling the selfishness of why me, why not someone else, why was it my baby and not hers, or hers? I know that sounds rotten. I would never wish these feelings on anyone and some people have things much worse than I have.

I'm just glad it's Friday and I can put this, the worst week of my life in the past.

Thank you for your support
Lots of love
xxx