No light at the end of the tunnel

[Mahoghani]

My son's due date passed this month. On the third. We were supposed to start trying on his due date, that was the plan. But that has been postponed. It's a long story but my husband wants to wait until things calm down. Until we know where we're going to be financially in a few months. My mother in law is sick and may be moving in with us. In fact we're in the middle of buying a house to make room for her.

I know that I can't blame my husband. He's making the "logical" decision. And I keep telling myself that my time is coming. But I am so depressed. It's been 6 months now since my precious Silver was born. Most of the women who lost babies when I lost mine have already conceieved again and are on thier way to holding their rainbows in their arms. I've worked so hard. I've lost 25 pounds. I haven't quit smoking but I think I feel like I'm not going to do that until he gives me a solid yes, we're going to try next month... It's my coping mechanism I guess.

Two weeks ago I waited for 17 hours with my friend at the hospital while she was in labor. She lost a son just two months before I lost mine and gave birth to her rainbow a week after Silver's due date. Funny how the time lines lined up that way... It was so much harder than I thought it would be. I thought I'd done so much healing and growing and coping. But being in a labor and delivery room... The smells and sounds and the little incubator... Seeing her breathing and laboring and the little "beep, beep, beep" of her son's heart beat on the monitor. Then later seeing, hearing and smelling her infant... who would have been the same sex, size and age as the baby I lost. I still can't look at Ayden without feeling a little twinge of pain. He is beautiful. And I am so happy that my friend was able to have a healthy pregnancy that ended in a healthy baby. We had similar problems that led to loosing our babies. And her sucess gives me hope... But also jealousy. Jealousy and a hint of bitterness.

I keep thinking to myself what are we waiting for? What is going to be different in "a few months" that will make conceiving then such a better idea than it is now. Or than it would have been had Silver been born healthy. My husband... is amazing and supportive and loving but... he doesn't understand. He doesn't feel the need to try again like I do. The need for all of this to have a happy ending. He doesn't feel it. It isn't about replacing the child I lost. It's... about moving forward I suppose. Not letting this experience be something that broke me. Broke us, our family. Even if we aren't sucessful, I need to try again.

I am trying to be patient. At first I was patient, telling myself that I needed time to heal and prepare my mind and body to handle another pregnancy. But I am ready. I am prepared. I am as healed as I am ever likely to be. And still I am waiting. I've tried to talk to him, convince him that we are ready to try again and as long as we plan and save and budget everything will work out one way or another. But he is firm. Unyielding. He doesn't even want to talk about it. I can't help but wonder if he's more anxious about trying again than he lets on... If he's afraid of something happening again and me not coming back from it. It was a little dicey this time there for a few weeks... And if that is the case that's fine but I wish he would tell me that. That I could work with. Talk about. Maybe get around. I don't know. But this, the not talking. It's not working for me. It's just making me sad. That detached sort of sad that's almost worse than the pain...

I don't know what to do. Just needed to vent. Wanted so badly to post this on the "TTC after a loss" thread but... we aren't. So I didn't.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so very sorry for your loss..

I lost my Ava at 22 weeks, she was a surprise to us . I was 40 yrs old when I became pregnant with her by total accident.

After I lost her I wanted to try SOOOOO bad and my husband just didn't. He would always say yes yes but when it came time he wouldn't go through with it.
I gained almost 30 pds with her, so i said to myself let me loose this weight cause it will only help me to conceive then we can try.

Well i lost the weight and then he was definitely ready and I wasn't. We did try for like 3 months but I was 41 at the time and I knew I would get pregnant , but it would take awhile.
I said to him why now do you want to try NOW but back then you didn't. He just said I want to make you happy. Well by then I was just done, I was 41 ( I am 42 now) and all I kept thinking was because of my age my eggs are not that good and what if it happens again.
So I will be 43 in June and for me I just feel it is to late. My husband said he didn't want to try at that time because he was terrified for me. He watched me go through a year long depression and the crying over this baby , it was just devastating. He said if we did loose another baby I don't think you would get through it and that is why he was so scared, he was scared for me.

He still says we could try , but I have just accepted that it is to late for me now at this age, the risk is just to great and I am not willing to take that risk If I was younger even 40 I would try, but people don't realize there is a big difference between 40 and almost 43 years of age, your risks go up significantly .
Talk to him tell him you are ready, see what he says . Ask him if he is scared , I bet he is.

I wish you all the best and I have a feeling your husband will get on board, he just needs a little time.
Good Luck

 

[gnomette]

Hi hun xx hugs to start with xx
my husband was the one who wanted to start trying I had been thinking about it an I was sure I wanted to start ttc he was just more eager so we started ttc in September an we are still ttc x like you people who found out after I lost Elliott are just about to have their babies or have just had them an I am still here tbh I can't say it gets easier cause I don't know that it does you just learn to control your feelings better x but they are still there I know they are in my case x
basically I don't know if it will get easier but I hope it does an your not alone x

 

[Mahoghani]

Thank you for your replies. I'm in a little better state of mind today. It just comes and goes. Builds up I guess. See, I know I am in my fertile time right now. Or at least I think I am based on CM and BBT and all that stuff. Stuff I never thought about tracking before. I'm thinking about not tracking, laying off of it until we're ready. I started because I wanted to prepare to try by learning my cycle to give us a better chance when we do start. But knowing that I am fertile now and him not being willing to start trying with me is just making me sad. And angry at him. And... honestly I've seriously considered telling him it's safe when it's not and see what happens... He trusts me and knows I'm tracking it so he wouldn't question it. I know if I got pregnant "accidentally" he'd be thrilled. But I can't lie to him. That isn't the kind of marriage we have. So, still waiting. I'm at work right now but I'm thinking about asking him again when I get home. To talk about it at least. I know what his answer will be though... If I hear "just a little longer" one more time... I'm going to be 30 this year. And I know 30 isn't that old. But we tried for YEARS to conceieve before we got pregnant with Silver. And I'm scared that if we keep waiting, it's never going to happen.

 

[3xscharmer]

So sorry hon, DH and I both constantly changed our minds, ultimately after I would say everyother day that I either wanted/didn't want to try, DH just decided that it was all up to me, just to tell him when he didn't have to wear protection. I know that even still at times it feels like we are so ready one minute and so not ready the next. I'm glad that you have an honest marriage as you are going to need his support the next pregnancy and surprising him might not go over too well if he's not ready. My DH has confessed a few times that he's scared out of his effing mind for me to get pregnant again, like Andypanda's DH, he watched me go through everything, held my hand as I gave birth to his son and he is terrified that I won't survive it again. I pray like hell that it never happens again to any of us, but there are no guarantees. I think your DH may just be scared too, they may not show their feelings much, but men are just as complex and hurt just as deep as we do. I think sitting him down and trying to get yourselves on the same page is a good idea, even if it means setting a potential/future date just so you can feel like your being productive. Good luck honey, hope you get everything worked out

 

[Mahoghani]

I think that if he could give me a date, even a tentative date for us to start trying I would feel better. Our tentative date at first was Silver's due date. It was 5 months after Silver passed, enough time for me to get myself right and let my body heal. And it was sort of symbolic. Starting on his due date... And I used that to drive myself to get healthy, to make good choices, lose weight and try to deal with the pain of our loss. It was my "light at the end of the tunnel." Then it came and went and instead of either trying or reevaluating and setting a new date, even a far away date, I got a "not right now." He says he does want to try again but has no idea when. So I keep feeling like he's going to keep jerking me around, telling me maybe in a few months. Maybe next year. It feels like he's leading me on. I know it's a strange way to put it but that's how I feel. And he refuses to give me any sort of time line. Or to even sit down and try to figure out a best guess. Use the logic he's so fond of and come up with some kind of idea. He just doesn't want to talk about it. I think because he knows how emotional I might get if we actually talk about it. So he just avoids the subject all together. I'm just so frustrated. The frustration never really goes away, I just keep pushing it to the side because I don't want to spend my time being angry at my husband. But it makes it so that once a month, when I know I am fertile, I'm angier at him than I should be. It all just bubbles to the surface and I just want to scream at him.

 

[ChaseThisLite]

I was once in this position. I had two miscarriages with my ex wife. As hard as it was to get past them, it was even harder because she kept jerking me around about when we would try again. One month she'd be like yes, and the next month it would be no. Drove me crazy - actually put me in a depressed state for the first and only time in my life.
I'm sure your hubby isn't as crazy as my ex, but you need to nail him down on this. There is never a 'right' time. If you wait for that, time will pass you by. Is it that he really doesn't want children and is using this as an excuse? Does he have some lingering fear that things might go wrong again and he doesn't want to see you (or himself) badly hurt? Either way, things need to be gotten into the open and dealt with. If this is what you want in your life, you need to stand up and demand an answer. It's not right for him to continue to stall you like this. Believe me, you will end up in a really bad place if this doesn't get resolved. I know from personal experience.