normal or my attachment difficulties rearing their ugly head?

[mrskx0x0]

When Scarlett was born there were issues with attachment and although I'd say they're resolved now sometimes I worry that I can be cold with her. For example if she's running around and gets hurt, sometimes (especially if I'm preoccupied with something else) instead of feeling 'oh no my poor baby' I feel angry because 'ffs can't she just mind where she's going for once?' and I don't know if I am genuinely annoyed or if maybe I'm angry at myself for not having been paying full attention to her. When she was a baby and she'd start to cry, I'd head straight to the kitchen to grab a bottle before going to pick her up and I knew in the back of my mind I shouldn't but I rationalised it because I knew it was what she needed. I do kiss her and hug her and she's very affectionate and we say we love eachother a lot so I'm not desperately worried I'm a terrible, terrible parent it's just I'd like to be more patient with her and not feel quite so resentful sometimes. My biggest concern is that I will turn her into me.

When she was born and I was struggling the health visitor let me into a 'secret' about how everyone else pretends to be coping better than they really are and I'm wondering if that's the situation now and a lot of what I feel is normal? I find it really pathetic to be honest if that's what people do but I suppose in a way I'm doing it myself right now because if the health visitor was here right now I wouldn't tell her how I was feeling.

Has anyone been through this and gone on to have more? I would like her to have a brother or sister but I worry I'd be a wreck again for two years and just mess her up even more than I already have and what if I had another baby and actually bonded with it? I'm sorry, I'm not usually like this I'm just having a really emotional day.

 

[bean85]

Sorry i cant relate to this much but i think every parent soetimes is like that. Often i get frustrated with lo and feel a bad mum i wouldnt feel to guilty... big hugs

 

[Lina]

I actually think it's quite normal, especially if they have walked into the same object many times. I know I don't get all bothered now when he hurts himself as I did before. Also with the bottle fetching, I was like that too, didn't see a point in faffing about trying to calm a crying baby when I knew that milk would do so much quicker. I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with your approach as offspring generally are very demanding and we are all human.

 

[marina294]

yes i do see it at somewhat normal just recently my LO went through a climbing phase in our living room we have low furniture(had before lo) but it goes the length of our living room so not easy to just block off. i lost count how many times i said no removed her from the top of it etc then i went in the kitchen to get a drink for her heard a cry and she had climbed up and fallen off onto the rug. when i realised she had climbed up and fallen off i checked her over and went and finished her drink. I felt like i had little sympathy for her as i had told her no over and over and she had continued to ignore me. so in those situations yes it is hard to be the loving parent 110% of the time when they are pushing limits

 

[Samiam03]

I get my angry moments with my kid...like when my son gets hurt from doing something I've told him repeatedly to stop. I don't baby him for it and I tell him "well I told you not to do that"!

I also have been having issues with my dd and the 4 month sleep regression and her waking every hour...and I've had some angry moments where I just say "go to sleep already!!"

I think a mother would be lying if they said they never felt frustrated with their kid.

 

[girlygirl:)]

I hear you. I have felt exactly the same, I think it's normal. I used to worry that I didn't love LO when she was born, I wish someone had told me it takes time to really bond. I'm the same when LO is whinging I just can't be bothered to deal with her sometimes. I think if you are even asking this question it shows that your a good mum that loves their child, you question your actions because you want to do best for your child. Xxx

 

[tommyg]

Normal to get fustrated with kids who never listen.

A bit like men are either wankers or liers. Mums are either fustrated or liers, nor do I believe 'wee Jeanie sttn from 7 days'

Why doez toddler forum not have a guilt free thread?

 

[Starry Night]

As long as I know my DS isn't really hurt or upset/scared I don't always run to him when he cries either. I get mad when he hurts himself when banging his head during a tantrum as it's self-inflicted pain. I often wonder if I'm too cold or distant but then other times I worry about being too affectionate!!

It took me a week or two to feel like I fully loved my DS after he was born. I liked him but I worried I didn't LOVE him. I had been warned that this was normal so it didn't upset me too much. Kids need love but I don't think they need the crazy amounts we imagine that they do...that we aren't ever allowed to make a mistake or tell our kid that they need to listen, etc.

 

[Lettuce]

I understand. I didn't bond with Jenny til she was over a year. I know, I know, its disgraceful, and I beat myself up over it. She was well looked after, I never neglected her, but I didn't particularly like/love her.
I'm also still cold sometimes, I rarely rush over unless she's crying. And I've started to say things like " mummy told you not to do that, because you'll get hurt and look what happened." I get frustrated too, and think "why are you annoying me like this! I'm trying to do XYZ"
I ALSO have the fear of having another one and feeling the same, or worse, actually bonding! I can imagine the guilt of that.
you are normal. And a great mum, we should all.give ourselves a break. X

 

[minties]

Oh yes...sounds about normal for me! Not so much in the past, but this terrible 2 age is really getting me down. I have never felt so angry or frustrated in my life!

 

[queenlavera]

I get frustrated with lo sometimes also, I believe all parents do. More often though I am more upset I wasn't able to get to him before he fell.

 

[RaspberryK]

To be honest I don't make a fuss of lo if he falls, bangs himself etc. I usually tell him you're ok, up you get. If he's doing something dangerous that i've already told him not to do I usually tell him something along the lines of that's what happens when you do that.
I do obviously comfort him when he's actually hurt.
I think some people might think I'm cold or unloving but it's not.
sometimes it's just how they learn, he soon figured out the radiators are hot...
About the coping comment from the health visitor, I am not totally in agreement with that but they often say things like that to get you to open up to them or just make you feel better about it.
Xx

 

[xdxxtx]

I didn't have attachment issues - in fact, I was TOO attached. I had postpartum depression and was terrified of someone taking my baby and kept him by my side at all times. It was weird, creepy, and I felt terrible doing it... but anyway, fast forward to the point at which I became more "normal" and medicated and stopped feeling this way... I still resented my kiddo on days when he'd scream ALL DAY... Like when he would go through a growth spurt or has a tooth coming through or isn't feeling well... Some days, I just can't cope with it. Most days, I'm all right, but sometimes I'm just awful and am more angry with him for crying instead of being sad that he's not feeling well.

I got pregnant with another, and it was a complete surprise. I'm still pregnant, as this part takes FOREVER, but I'm glad. I am happy that I'll have some kids to entertain each other. I know I'll have to deal with them fighting and arguing and taddling and all that stuff... but there are times when the only thing that kept me quiet was my sister, and I hope my kids have a great bond as well. The problem is that my resentment gets worse on days when I'm in pain or uncomfortable or just tired... as in, the whole first trimester and here and there now that I'm farther along.

By the way, I'm NOT bonding with this pregnancy, so there is a chance that you'd quickly bond with your second baby although attachment issues were there with your first... I don't feel bad as it doesn't mean I'll love my second baby and less or any more... So I wouldn't "worry" about it at all. Just try to keep your patience to a maximum. Also, someone told me to start meditating when I admitted to feeling resentment... I could meditate on my resentment and think about why I'm feeling that way and think twice before blaming my problems on my kid. It has helped a lot. I had an issue with wanting to yell at him all the time, and now I can pass those thoughts off to the side and just comfort him and raise him in a loving environment as well.

Watching my 10 year old nephew and his father scream at each other like siblings instead of having a father-child relationship helps, too. Should I put them on YouTube to help others?