Not Living the Dream

Discussion in 'Baby Club' started by ExpectingK, Nov 17, 2011.

  1. ExpectingK

    ExpectingK Well-Known Member

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    Has anyone's OH not quite lived up to your expectations as a daddy?

    Before I decided my OH was the right one to have kids with I kinda sized up his potential to be a good dad, in all respects.....I'd seen him interact with my sisters young kids, he is caring, had a good job, capable around the house etc.

    But now, 9 months on, he really hasn't been the daddy I expected. My OH always had a dream to run his own business (pub) and he refurbished and opened one 4 days after dd was born. I was fully aware the pub would be demanding of his time, but I'd always assume (and hoped) his family would be a bigger pull. Somedays I wonder if he stays at work just so that he doesn't have to come home and put his daddy hat on.

    He's never bathed our dd and has only watched a handful of times - most of the time he's at work. He's probably changed less than 10 nappies, and they were whilst she was newborn, he doesn't dress her, feed her or put her to bed.

    In the last month or so she's become much more interesting in his eyes. Crawling, cruising and babbling makes her much cuter and of course he's now beginning to interact with her. He still doesn't do any of the above but at least plays with her and talks to her.

    I just kinda feel that he's let us down, and that he's lost out in some way. I would now never consider having another child because having my dd has been like being a single mum. My parents and sister have been wonderful to me, without them I'd have gone crazy - well I did for a while.

    I guess I'm disappointed in him and feel like my dream has been tainted.
     
  2. tiggerpony

    tiggerpony Well-Known Member

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    I didnt want to read and run but I cant relate to this I'm afriad, as my hubby is more hands on than me....but that may be due to my PND... I just wanted to give you a hug xx have you tried talking to him about how you feel?
     
  3. Lysal

    Lysal Well-Known Member

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    I can relate. My OH is happy to play with LO or hold him while he sleeps but that is it. He only feeds LO when I make him, he has probably changed 5 nappies and has never got up with LO in the night. He wouldn't have the first clue of how to make up a feed.
    It makes me sad how much he's missing out on so much but also really worries me because if anything happened to me he'd have to take care of little man and I'm not sure he's up to it.
     
  4. Supermaiden

    Supermaiden Well-Known Member

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    I can relate. My OH works full time and attends university so he is busy a lot of the time. But when he is home, he isnt always playing daddy. I dont expect him to have LO whenever he is home, but to give him 1 bottle a day on the days he can then that would be great and give me a small break. He has only changed about 3 or 4 nappies, doesnt bath LO but will come see him in the bath if I shout him in. Sometimes I feel like Im an inconvenience because he wants to rest after being so busy and I want him to help me, we are still trying to find that line where we are both happy.
    I feel like I am turning into a nag :haha: since having LO. Its just because I want help and an hour to myself once a week would be great! I find it difficult to have the time to take a bath and get in about once a week, twice if Im lucky, which isnt good for my c-sec scar. I have talked to him about it all and I dont know what else I can do, but it doesnt really change. :shrug:
    He is great with LO when he spends time with him and LO loooooves to see his daddy, he is more excited to see daddy than he is to see mummy lol! I just want more. I dont know if Im being unfair? He gets 2 days off work a week but they are seperate days and since he is so tired he doesnt really want to go out, just wants to relax in the house but I have been in all week so pulling my hair out and wanting him to take me someplace which he does sometimes, although hes not always happy about it lol.
     
  5. jodimaire

    jodimaire mum of 3 ttc #4

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    when I had my 1st my husband had very little to do with our son, in fact he had so little to do with him at first that when he was finally ready to interact with him our son didnt want him, he would scream as if he were a stranger. but over time he has gotten better and better and by the time we had your second I was actually kind of jealous that he got to carry the baby everywhere instead of me lol and he has been just as super with our 3rd as well. I truly beleive that he wasnt quiet ready when we had our first. He is now the perfect father I always dreamt he would be.
     
  6. ExpectingK

    ExpectingK Well-Known Member

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    I think that I don't tell him because I know deep down that his work is very demanding and that he doesn't need to deal with me on top of everything else. I just wish that we were his priority, he'd probably say that we are if I asked him, but most of the time it doesn't feel that way.

    I know he only has one chance to make a success of the business, but at the same time she'll only be a baby once as well.

    What's annoying is that she loves her daddy to bits! He gets so many kisses and smiles when he is around....it seems unfair, like rewarding a dog for bad behaviour (not the best analogy I know).

    I understand he's doing the man-thing and trying to provide a financial future for us, albeit a really big risk now, but money is not what drives me. I'd rather he did 9-5 and we were just happy.

    What do I sound like? I'm looking for that twee imaginary fairy-tale family. Today is one of those 'feeling-sorry-for-myself' days. DD and I both have colds, the housework is mounting up and OH gets to swan off to work and have a laugh while I deal with the drudgery.
     
  7. BabyBoo36

    BabyBoo36 Guest

    My DH is the same. While I was pregnant, he completely took over - he wanted to chose everything and my friends were really concerned that I wouldn't get a look in with the baby. In reality, now Pud is here, he's not like that at all. He does virtually nothing with her, and seems to think he can live his life exactly how it was before she came along - ie out from 8am - 6pm every day. I have to pretty much have a complete meltdown before he does a feed, yet he wants to look like the doting Daddy if we go anywhere. He's fantastic with other people's toddlers, so I can only assume he "doesn't do" babies, but, I too have said I don't want anymore because I can't cope with no support. I have no family where we live, and PIL are nearly 80, so it's literally all on me. I have no idea how I'm going to cope with doing everything when I go back to work in 5 months......
     
  8. MrsPoodle

    MrsPoodle Mummy of a Princess

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    Mine, he was suffering with anxiety when Callie was born and was very stressed for the first few weeks of her life as she had reflux etc. He's better now but still not the dad I expected him to be.
     
  9. Frooty

    Frooty Well-Known Member

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    Can totally relate to this my oh was really hands on first 2 weeks of babies life but after that i did everything while he took a back seat kinda frustrating :(
     
  10. jakemybaby

    jakemybaby Well-Known Member

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    I got me one of these hubbies:wacko:

    He does bugger all... Never feeds, changes, bathes, puts to bed.... I have given up wanting/asking him to now and just get on with it all myself. :cry:

    It's so weird because he was fantastic with our son when he was a baby. Alice is a bit more demanding though (reflux baby) and I don't think he knows how to handle her.
     

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